Affair, can't forget

moneysavvy35

Hi waccoe just stumbled on this thread by accident - I will not offer any words of advice only to say....I really wish you all the best in you future. You have done the right thing by opening up on here. I never known such a helpful bunch of people - thank god nothing major stressful has happened in my life but I know I would have support from complete strangers. That's so funny isn't it. Anyway I'll move on now but really all the best and I hope you have a happy life whether it be with or without you wife x

Pixiechic

Given whats happened, jealousy is totally understandable, I would be too if I were you. Especially not helped by her insensitive comments.

You don't sound cold, you sound like someone who has suppressed their feelings for too long. It doesn't sound like you see yourself as her equal but how you feel really matters and you should feel that.

We all have our faults, even your wife! Your wife didnt get hurt in this, you did and you feel the hurt. You are not responsible or in any way to blame for her actions. You took your vows and honoured them.

Maybe you think that if you take all the blame yourself then you can fix it all yourself but it can't all come from just you.

waccoe_2

Again thanks for your replies.
I have text my wife.
"I have made an appointment to see a counseller this week to discuss my issues. I would appreciate it if you didn't tell ******(Cousin) this time as I don't need any of her observations. x"
She replied.
"Okay love, well done, speak when I see you. x"

Pixiechic

and you are the cold one..............................

tayforth

moneysavvy35 wrote: »

Hi waccoe just stumbled on this thread by accident - I will not offer any words of advice only to say....I really wish you all the best in you future. You have done the right thing by opening up on here. I never known such a helpful bunch of people - thank god nothing major stressful has happened in my life but I know I would have support from complete strangers. That's so funny isn't it. Anyway I'll move on now but really all the best and I hope you have a happy life whether it be with or without you wife x

What a lovely post.

paulineb_2

Pechow wrote: »

If she was unhappy in the relationship, she was perfectly capable of leaving and finding someone who did make her happy. She was the one who chose to go around behind OP's back-and it wasn't a spur of the moment thing either, it was planned out over a long time period-and she's the one in the wrong. If she had told OP that she was unhappy, and he didn't do anything, maybe I could sympathize- but she was still the one who went around behind his back.

Hiring a private eye is irrelevant-the point is that the trust has gone, and even if OP hired one and they found nothing, he is still going to feel badly about the affair in the past and the current state of the relationship. Hiring a private eye is just going to keep him thinking about those thoughts, and waiting for evidence of any misdoing, instead of working on communication (with the wife or with a therapist) and moving on.

People dont always do the right thing though do they? If they did no one would ever have affairs, they would leave and find someone else as soon as they became unhappy or they would try and work through whatever issues they had in a marriage or relationship before involving a third party.

pebbles88

waccoe wrote: »

Again thanks for your replies.
I have text my wife.
"I have made an appointment to see a counseller this week to discuss my issues. I would appreciate it if you didn't tell ******(Cousin) this time as I don't need any of her observations. x"
She replied.
"Okay love, well done, speak when I see you. x"

Oh op... That was such a big step for you.... & she hasn't even realised, or thought... How come he is doing this now??.... I should support him, be there for him....

Instead it sounds like she has taken 10 seconds to compose a reply that was so emotionally void that I wouldn't even send something like that to ANYONE in my contacts!

You've had some lovely advice on here, & I know you think your wife is 'out of your league' ..... But to be honest..... She sounds like she knows her looks get her most things without her trying...... I would possibly say that it is you who is out of her league as you have more feeling, care & compassion in your little toe than she has in her whole body! Pretty on the outside.... Doesn't guarantee pretty on the inside.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

OP - well done for the text/counselor; but I do think you have to consider what happens when you decide that you can't continue like this.

Are you prepared to end the marriage in order for you to regain your own sanity?

Or are you prepared to accept that she wants the marriage for the lifestyle; and if you dig too deep you might find out that may not be the only affair she has had.

And if this IS the only affair that she has had - the reasons behind the pursuing of this man after 30 years might not be ones that you really want to hear. And why did this affair end?

I think she is a mind gamer and a player. You just have to be prepared for the outcome once you open Pandora's Box - it might not be the outcome that you desire.

Good luck.

pebbles88

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

OP - well done for the text/counselor; but I do think you have to consider what happens when you decide that you can't continue like this.

Are you prepared to end the marriage in order for you to regain your own sanity?

Or are you prepared to accept that she wants the marriage for the lifestyle; and if you dig too deep you might find out that may not be the only affair she has had.

And if this IS the only affair that she has had - the reasons behind the pursuing of this man after 30 years might not be ones that you really want to hear. And why did this affair end?

I think she is a mind gamer and a player. You just have to be prepared for the outcome once you open Pandora's Box - it might not be the outcome that you desire.

Good luck.

Very good point. OP... I too was in a marriage that I thought was as good as I'd ever get... He cheated on me so much.... But I'd rather stay with what I knew than be alone iykwim.

Last year... He walked out.... Ripped me to shreds.... But now.... I'm so so so so happy to be out of it. Took me a long long time to realise that. You deserve more op, no one should live through torment caused by the person who professes to love you. Change is scary.... But can bring a lot of happiness too.

Ask yourself honestly.... Can you cope with these feelings & fear for another decade? She's being quite blunt that she doesn't seem bothered over your concerns. Yes if you left it would hurt.... But that would fade.... & you could meet someone who truly loves you. Where as at the moment... Your wounds & pain won't ever heal as its a constant torture.

Be strong. X

waccoe_2

I don't think I will ever find out if she has had other affairs, I don't need to, this one hurts enough.
I just can't understand how she could have done it to me.
What could she see in a guy who cheats on his wife, she finds out, and then cheats on her again with the same woman 30 years later. It hurts that the woman I love could do that to the man's wife.
I can't imagine me ending our marriage, I can see how that may seem to people reading this, but I love her and I can't imagine my life without her.
We have been together 31 years, 5 wonderful children, pretty much all grown up now, I just need to find a way of stopping these thoughts eating away inside my head.