Affair, can't forget

Heffi1

Waccoe, I have been following this thread with interest, I know you want to feel at peace, but I think you are going to have to be assertive at this point.

In order for you wife to change her ways she needs to know there is a problem and specifically what that problem is, i.e. her affair and how it left you feeling. She needs to take responsibility for her part in hurting you and you now have to take some responsibility for the healing that needs to be done, counselling I hope will help you to see that this is not all your fault. We cannot make another person do what they do not want to do.

If it feels comfortable, as I know you don't like the confrontation of speaking your mind, might this text be an opportunity to let her know what is happening with your thoughts, she is far enough away for you not to have to face her and see her reaction, she is far enough away to give her time to think of a response, and in some way this may just lance that boil, so that you both can start to communicate in a healthy way.

I would start with
'I am struggling to come to terms with the affair you had all those years ago, we never did discuss it properly and I am hurting, each time you make joking comments it brings it all back to me. I am going to see a counsellor so that I can get MY thoughts straight about this, but you also need to know that I am not ok with what happened, even though a lot of time has passed, it still hurts me'

marisco_2

Excellent advice Heffi1. Brilliantly and eloquently put.

Heffi1

marisco wrote: »

Excellent advice Heffi1. Brilliantly and eloquently put.

Thank you Marisco, I really feel that some time alone thinking things through with a counsellor, may help it does not necessarily mean the end of the marriage, but if Waccoe can find some peace and live with what has happened, then that is a result in itself I think. Time is a great healer, but you have to forgive yourself before you can mend.

Waccoe this is not all your fault. Your wife has to take the blame for the hurt she has caused you, and if she does not take the blame then a rethink should happen.

waccoe_2

I have replied and am waiting for her responce.

paulineb_2

Heffi1 wrote: »

Thank you Marisco, I really feel that some time alone thinking things through with a counsellor, may help it does not necessarily mean the end of the marriage, but if Waccoe can find some peace and live with what has happened, then that is a result in itself I think. Time is a great healer, but you have to forgive yourself before you can mend.

Waccoe this is not all your fault. Your wife has to take the blame for the hurt she has caused you, and if she does not take the blame then a rethink should happen.

Actually no. I dont think she does have to take the blame. Counselling shouldnt be about blaming people for how you feel. It should be about working through the feelings you have.

If he says, well you take the blame and she says ok then I will, thats not going to take away whats happened over the last 6 years.

Also, there are couples who have affairs and stay together and yes it must take a hell of a lot of working through how you feel and has already been suggested, he might hear a lot of things he doesnt want to hear, the marriage may not survive this.

But on some level, staying stuck in hurt and pain to this extent for 6 years, to allow it to upset his daily life and to dominate his life, has been something of the OP's choosing.

And that might even have been on a subconscious level, because if you rock that boat you might end up without the person who has hurt you.

Even when people have done the worst things, there may also be a small share of something on the other persons perspective to sit down and think, were we happy, was there anything I could have done in the marriage to make it better, should we have split up?

And that might be something he needs to work through now and it might be painful.

Theres no magic wand. But it might be the case where the wife actually turns around and says sorry but......

And she still might not have been justified in what she did, but if one person thinks a marriage has broken down to the extent that they go and have an affair and the other person thinks everything is ok, it shows at the very least a massive miscommunication on both sides and at worst, that the marriage wasnt ok.

And really I think in the end getting everything out in the open will be better for both of them, because they then might make the decision that neither of them can go on like this and work towards saving what they have.

Or letting it go and being free to find other people.

morocha

Im just want to say that I admire you, not many people would forgive a cheating partner but you are trying your best to move on and still have her in your life. I truly hope she comes to her senses, she is a grown up woman, not a teenager.
Good looking people can be shallow and think they can get away with things because their looks and who wouldnt want to be with them? also, remember that she is old now, after 5 children she is not the same she was years ago, you see her stunning, but maybe for other people she is good looking but nothing special.

poet123

morocha wrote: »

Im just want to say that I admire you, not many people would forgive a cheating partner but you are trying your best to move on and still have her in your life. I truly hope she comes to her senses, she is a grown up woman, not a teenager.
Good looking people can be shallow and think they can get away with things because their looks and who wouldnt want to be with them? also, remember that she is old now, after 5 children she is not the same she was years ago, you see her stunning, but maybe for other people she is good looking but nothing special.

She may be around 50, so hardly old;)

paulineb_2

morocha wrote: »

Im just want to say that I admire you, not many people would forgive a cheating partner but you are trying your best to move on and still have her in your life. I truly hope she comes to her senses, she is a grown up woman, not a teenager.
Good looking people can be shallow and think they can get away with things because their looks and who wouldnt want to be with them? also, remember that she is old now, after 5 children she is not the same she was years ago, you see her stunning, but maybe for other people she is good looking but nothing special.

People who arent good looking can also be shallow and even have affairs.

And really, does it matter how other people view this woman?

As for old comments, shes 50. People can and do start new lives with other people at 50 and beyond.

bagpussbear

Waccoe, I am very late to come to this thread and what I think about what you are experiencing has already been said by others here, but just wanted to give you a hug of support. Personally I think you'd do so much better to end the relationship and find happiness elsewhere, but of course its not as easy as that when you are the one that's experiencing the situation and emotions.

My ex husband had a 'fling' and decided to get it off his chest when I was 7 and a half months pregnant with our first child. It crushed me. And I believe the distress and anger I felt over it cause me to go into premature labour. I took him back partly because I didn't want to be on my own raising a baby, but partly because I thought I could 'get over it'. Truth is, for me anyway, I couldn't get over it, not really, he thought I did, but the pain tore me up inside. And you know what, he dumped me anyway when my son turned 2. And on my dad's birthday, who had died only 2 years previous, which is why I felt for you when you said your wife told you on your 50th birthday, what selfish timing huh!

So no advice other than to wish you the very very best with the counselling, and whatever decision you eventually come to I hope it brings you peace and relief, which is what every human being needs and deserves.

waccoe_2

For the record, she is 60, but looks much younger, not that it matters what age she is.