How can I fix this?

Pechow

Also wanted to add-it's possible that he might indeed be planning on leaving quietly, and everything will work out fine. I don't think it will, but it's possible.

BUT.

Until you've worked out what his angle is, how he's really going to act, what things are really going to be like-do not let him take your children anywhere without you. He may not come back with them. Maybe it's a small chance, but do you really want to risk it? From what you've described, I can see him leaving to go somewhere, and framing it as "well, she wanted me to leave, and she's crazy so I didn't want to leave the children with her". Once he's gone you can figure out visitation etc later, but in this situation, I would 100% be on guard until I knew for certain how things were going to play out.

(For anyone reading this thread thinking that's sexist or whatever, I would absolutely be giving the same advice to a man with an abusive wife.)

geoffky

Oh dear....Tick tock tick tock.......Bang...

paulineb_2

geoffky wrote: »

Oh dear....Tick tock tick tock.......Bang...

Even if people dont agree with the way things have panned out tonight and god knows whats going on just now

Support. When people are abused, it isolates them and a big thing is actually telling people what is going on

In a years time if theres still being threads posted saying my OH is a rat and I cant leave, fine, but I think to go from wanting to fix things to even considering leaving in the space of a day, its positive.

Blackpool_Saver

paulineb wrote: »

Even if people dont agree with the way things have panned out tonight and god knows whats going on just now

Support. When people are abused, it isolates them and a big thing is actually telling people what is going on

In a years time if theres still being threads posted saying my OH is a rat and I cant leave, fine, but I think to go from wanting to fix things to even considering leaving in the space of a day, its positive.

Sometimes telling people especially family does no good either, they look the other way and pretend it isn't happening...... In my experience you have left over and over in your mind, but never actually physically done it

victory

Anon34 wrote: »

He said he was fine with us being over, he's now acting like we never said anything. Helping with the kids now and being generally ok

No he's not fine, it's an act and you will pay, this is the calm before the storm, please read and listen to what people are advising, please.

justme111

Be realistic , people. She's been living like that for ages. Conversion does not happen in a few hours , it is a slow painful thing of withdrawing emotional bond from someone. Asking questions , making her talk and seeing it herself is the way , not shouting "get out get out ", I for once would not like anybody acting on what people from internet say.

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

Its not always realistic to expect someone to get someone out within 24 hours of admitting things are wrong

As I said before, it took my mum 2 years. And maybe in those days it was harder, but I can fully understand why someone when they actually get the penny drop moment that they are being abused, doesnt get rid of the person there and then

The police probably would not attend a domestic unless someone was at real risk of being harmed and we dont actually know this is the case.

Shes been living like this for 5 years, another couple of days isnt going to make much difference in the long run

There have been other threads on here when people have left their partners and people have been concerned but let them do it in their own timescale and I think we need to do the same

This is true, of course, and thank you for the reminder.

Perhaps it's most useful for the overzealous newly-escaped like me. I feel so overwhelmed with relief at my liberation that I want to march into every abusive relationship and drag the victim to freedom, like some sort of vigilante.

It took me 2 weeks from posting my thread to chucking my ex out of the house. 2 weeks to realise what he was doing to me, to get through the shock, the denial, the humiliation. To pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together. To rehearse my speech, and my response to the inevitable manipulation and pleading.

So it may not happen overnight. It didn't for me. And I know that lots of you were impatient with me, asking if I really was going to end it. Wondering if I'd change my mind. It took time, but I did it. And I needed those 2 weeks to build up the courage to do it.

The only difference here is that the OP has shown her hand already, but not followed through and thrown him out. That makes her OH very dangerous. And I'm very very worried about her and her children.

tayforth

OP - how are things now?

paulineb_2

tayforth wrote: »

This is true, of course, and thank you for the reminder.

Perhaps it's most useful for the overzealous newly-escaped like me. I feel so overwhelmed with relief at my liberation that I want to march into every abusive relationship and drag the victim to freedom, like some sort of vigilante.

It took me 2 weeks from posting my thread to chucking my ex out of the house. 2 weeks to realise what he was doing to me, to get through the shock, the denial, the humiliation. To pick myself up off the floor and put myself back together. To rehearse my speech, and my response to the inevitable manipulation and pleading.

So it may not happen overnight. It didn't for me. And I know that lots of you were impatient with me, asking if I really was going to end it. Wondering if I'd change my mind. It took time, but I did it. And I needed those 2 weeks to build up the courage to do it.

The only difference here is that the OP has shown her hand already, but not followed through and thrown him out. That makes her OH very dangerous. And I'm very very worried about her and her children.

To be fair, we have no idea of how many other conversations they may have had over the years about splitting up. I dont think not being thrown out makes him any more dangerous than he would be already.

I wouldnt expect someone to say to someone else, we are splitting up at 2pm and have them out of the door by 8pm.

It might happen in some cases, but unless someone is seriously at risk, allowing someone a couple of days to get their stuff together and find somewhere else to go isnt unreasonable.

The point is, if someone continually threatens someone with a split and doesnt follow through then its obviously going to weaken their case in the end, however, if people do read some of the stats, some people have many failed attempts at leaving or getting someone out and it can take months or longer to get someone removed from their life.

I would hazard a guess that the nature of the abuse makes people so low in confidence, they can be isolated from friends and family, they may feel like they have absolutely no one and they may not feel strong enough mentally to put someone out, someone who has had the upper hand in the relationship for a long time if you like.

And thats why a lot of women and men will need specialist support and counselling before, during and after escaping from a violent relationship

I was talking to my mum last night about some of the things she and I had been through, I mentioned the film gaslighting and she said she had seen it years after she split from my stepdad and that actually brought home what he had been trying to do to her.

It is much easier for all of us on here who arent going through it just now to give advice, when you are in the thick of it, harder.

And Im sure lots of people on this forum will know that.

tayforth

All very true and well put, Pauline. Especially the points about lack of confidence and being worn down. It is very hard to summon the courage to leave xx