How can I fix this?

BitterAndTwisted

Coolcait she's been warned a number of times in quite bald language about what often happens to the abused in these sorts of circumstances. I cannot comprehend how she let him walk into the house without the police there, never mind serve him his dinner as if nothing has been discussed this afternoon.

I just hope to God that nothing bad is going to happen to her but the statistics say that's not very likely

Heffi1

If you take him back this time then you have to put up with the awful behaviour.

You know deep down that your children will be next, and then the violence will begin in earnest.

You are in the most danger now

I had a husband who was just like your OH, he told me all of the things you are talking of and I stayed mainly because he had me believing I was fat ugly and stupid and no one would believe me if I told them, so just you shut up and behave or I might bet worse.

I would not have put up with being hit, and somewhere inside I told myself that it was ok, a few nasty comments from time to time, calling me lazy and frigid. the only reason I finished it, was because he came home one day with a love bite on his neck and I had to finally face facts that my marriage was a sham, and had been since 6 weeks in, that by the way was when he asked for his first divorce, and then regularly over the years, he used it as a weapon to beat me with, along with the threat of never seeing my kids again.

I found the courage that day to (well actually it was 3 days later) to stop him in his tracks and tell him I thought it would be a very good idea if he went upstairs packed a bag and never darken my door again. He was so shocked by my finally taking a stand that he did it. And I have never set eyes on him again, that was 5 years ago.

OP I was one month short of my silver wedding anniversary, so i had put up with his abhorrent behaviour for 24 years, are you prepared to do the same?

My daughter and I talked once the dust settled and she asked me to forgive her, because unbeknown to me, he had told her all about his new lady friend and she said he needed to tell me, but he made her keep that secret for a week, until I found out. I will NEVER forgive him for that!

My daughter also told me I should have left him years earlier as she could see how damaged I was getting by his constant degrading actions and making me take the blame for all of it. (even his liove bite was my fault lol)

Get out now or you too will have a life of misery ahead of you, if he is pushing you and pulling at your clothes then a slap will be next before the punch that knocks the wind out of you, but remember if he is clever it will be in the ribs or somewhere the bruises don't show.

Gingernutty

Oh God, it's like watching a horror film.......

amyloofoo

OP, just because things appear to be calm now doesn't mean they're fixed. Please remember the decision you made, the reasons you made it and that what you're doing is for your children as well as yourself.

paulineb_2

tayforth wrote: »

OP - I would be seriously afraid of spending the night in the same house as him.

I wouldnt

Shes been putting up with abuse for the last 5 years, theres not much more that can go wrong

But seriously OP, either you want to leave or you want to stay put

If you want to stay put and he continues to act like an idiot, just remember that you have options and you can ask him to leave anytime

You dont need to stay and put up with this

Id be very surprised if theres any way back from this mess, but if the OP really wants to be with this person, all the advice in the world wont get her to get him out.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

Usually around 9ish. It's odd, there's not even an atmosphere, he has spoken to me a few times and I made him his dinner.

I'm hoping this time he knows it's make or break

If you stay with this idiot you are settling for a life of abuse.

Regardless of whether the cracks can be smoothed over or not

I actually dont blame the OP for not being ready to leave, please remember that abusive relationships are complex and its not always just a case of pack your bags and get out

Having said that, in a month, or 6 months, or 12 months time, if you dont go, I sincerely hope that if his abuse starts again you'll have a big think to yourself about putting him out

5 happy months in 5 years and kids in the mix as well?

Its not good, not good at all.

paulineb_2

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Coolcait she's been warned a number of times in quite bald language about what often happens to the abused in these sorts of circumstances. I cannot comprehend how she let him walk into the house without the police there, never mind serve him his dinner as if nothing has been discussed this afternoon.

I just hope to God that nothing bad is going to happen to her but the statistics say that's not very likely

Its not always realistic to expect someone to get someone out within 24 hours of admitting things are wrong

As I said before, it took my mum 2 years. And maybe in those days it was harder, but I can fully understand why someone when they actually get the penny drop moment that they are being abused, doesnt get rid of the person there and then

The police probably would not attend a domestic unless someone was at real risk of being harmed and we dont actually know this is the case.

Shes been living like this for 5 years, another couple of days isnt going to make much difference in the long run

There have been other threads on here when people have left their partners and people have been concerned but let them do it in their own timescale and I think we need to do the same

Blackpool_Saver

abused people do things we cannot understand, that's because the bar is set higher and higher as the abuse goes on, we may not have done what the OP has, but this is how it is in the home of an abuser, I was hit and my things smashed up and I cleaned up myself and the house and made dinner, over and over again, you do this when they have made you ill enough

barbiedoll

Let's take a look at things from the boyfriend's perspective, shall we?

He lives with a partner who is........
mad
mental
ungrateful
paranoid
too fat
not sexy enough
frigid
has a stroppy daughter
lazy
uncaring
mental (did I say that already)
etc etc.......

So WHY is he still there? Is it because he gets bed and board, he can do as he pleases and all he has to put up with is a little bit of nagging and the odd emotional email? Although it must be terribly tiring, having to justify his weird fetishes and hiding his online shenannigans from his obsessive partner. No wonder he's so miserable, you'd think that living with a madwoman like OP, he'd have been out of the door long ago, right?
And yet, he's still hanging on in there!

He ain't going nowhere, he knows where he's well off.

OP, if you have any sense at all, you'll pack his stuff and push him out of the door, get your brother round if you need help. Change the locks, you don't need to give him "notice" he's not a bloody lodger!
He doesn't love you, he never will, come to terms with that and move on. No-one treats anyone like this if they love them, he doesn't and that is all there is to it. You cannot change him, you cannot make him love you and you are certainly not going to get any respect from him, you have let him treat you like a doormat, of course he doesn't respect you.
Although, I have to admit, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who respects any woman, he sounds like a total creep.

Get rid.

paulineb_2

I absolutely agree, get rid

But if you read the OPs posts back, shes still making excuses for him, thats what people do when they are being abused

A friend of my family left her partner 6 months ago, abuse had been going on in one shape or form since her oldest kid was born, hes 9 now

Sometimes it takes a long time for people to see how badly they are being abused and a bit longer to actually get up the courage to get out

Its been 24 hours since this thread started, I agree, get rid, but lets not be surprised if it takes a bit of time to actually do it

Shes the one living in this mess and hes not making life easy for her I bet