How can I fix this?

paulineb_2

coolcait wrote: »

I appreciate the reassurance, and obviously hope that you are right.

However, being aware of the advice that - effectively - a victim of abuse is most at risk at the point of trying to end the abusive relationship, I do find it hard to be so sanguine in the face of silence from the OP.

Bear in mind that this thread, and others on MSE, have reiterated the point above, and I do feel that there's an element of mixed messages at times.

Its not mixed messages, its actually realising that someone might not have internet access and not be online at the point where we might want them to be. Which actually seems to have been the case.

Also, if someone posts a thread like this and then decides to stay with someone who is abusive, the people who have posted have absolutely no control over what the person started the thread does, we dont know anything about them, where they live, we cant change a decision they make.

Ive said numerous times throughout this thread that I think the OP should ask her partner to leave and do it soon.

But if someone is a new poster which the OP is, we dont know their posting habits, we dont know how often they are going to be online compared to someone on the board is a regular. And in the end like anything else, we could have this page running to 22 pages and if the OP wants to stay with her partner then she will.

All people on here can do is give advice, its been done over and over. As I said before, I do know that people can take months or even years to get away from an abusive partner, even when theyve recognised that they are being abused, its not uncommon.

I absolutely hope in time the OP finds the strength in time to ask this person to leave, thats all I can say right now.

heartbreak_star

OP, what on earth are you thinking, after everything he's done to you and your daughter?

*shakes head sadly*

HBS x

Anon34

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paulineb_2

And this is only reading between the lines, but I think the OP

1 Still isnt aware of how badly shes being abused
2 Blames herself because shes been told so many times that shes at fault

Feelings and beliefs

Survivors may have other deep feelings and beliefs that may keep them with their batterers. These may include the following:

• Not wanting to let go of the dream of "happily ever after"
• Believing the abusive behavior isn't really who the batterer is
• Hoping the abuser will change
• Feeling commitment and love during the "honeymoon periods" that may occur between abusive events
• Low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, guilt and shame as a result of the abuse that undermine the confidence to leave

Hes not going to change. You arent going to have a happy life with this man OP, hes said and done so many things to you over the years that absolutely show that. I do think that you need some support from a womens domestic violence project, even just counselling, not necessarily a refuge, where you can actually make sense of what has been going on and somehow get to the point where you feel that you are not to blame for all of this.

Ive posted before, theres a friend of my family who left her ex partner around 6 months ago. It was a controlling relationship, she was in effect mentally abused for a long time, she was just so used to him behaving in a certain way, she didnt see it for a long time.
6 months ago she left him and there was an incident at Christmas where he was charged with using intimidating and threatening behaviour towards her. Hes a very influential person due to his profession, she was advised by womens aid that he would probably be found not guilty. He tried to force his way into her house when he was returning the kids and there was an altercation.

The court case was yesterday and he was found guilty. And even though it took her a long time to see what was going on and actually get up the courage to leave, its not been easy for her. Hes refusing to pay for the kids, hes trying to ruin her financially, hes extremely wealthy, hes made this very clear. Hes fighting for custody not because he wants the kids, he just wants to paint her as an unfit mother (the eldest child doesnt even see him, his own choice). Hes doing as much as he can to make her life a living misery.

But, is she still happier away from him? Yes. Shes not being abused anymore. And for a long time she didnt realise that she was.
And when she left him, people made her life difficult for a while, but when what happened at Christmas was in the press, I think a few people got a reality check that people who can appear lovely and charming, arent really lovely and charming after all.

You have the chance to make a new life for yourself and your kids without this man, please try and take it.

thehappybutterfly

oh the calm phase. I remember [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] them well. My ex and I never got on better than when we'd split up. Then I'd think "oh he's changed. He's got a scare and seen the error of his ways. Let's give it another chance". Until the next time. And it got worse every time. The very last straw was the punch in the face for having the audacity to put too much cereal in my bowl. Obviously I deserved it, didn't I?

It started with him saying to me, on the night we had our engagement party :eek:, in the taxi home, "If you were wondering where I was half the night, I was with <<insert girl's name>>" and it ended 3 years and one child later with a punch in the face.

Seriously OP, this is what I predict for you. But you have to make the decision in your own time. Perhaps once it gets physical, you'll wake up. And I don't mean that nastily because that's what life with an abusive partner is like - one long bad dream. Good luck. We'll no doubt see more of you in a few months.

Anon34

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quietheart

Anon34 wrote: »

I can understand people who feel the best thing to do would be to split, really I do. I'm not unintelligent. (Although it may appear that way) I'm of the belief I cannot change anyone else, or make them do what I want. I can change the things about me which he feels have ruined our relationship. I can be a very cold person and for the past 3 years due to my pnd and subsequent depression I have not put effort into our relationship. He is right in that if you continually push someone away they will get bored of you.
My depression is a bit better (for now) and I'm trying. That's all I can do. If after that it still doesn't work. We will have to rethink

You have done really well to see an improvement with your depression. I feel it must have been really difficult for you to achieve this while still experiencing this high level of emotional abuse. I just wonder if your depression would improve further if you weren't being constantly undermined.
Unfortunately your children are also being emotionally abused indirectly. His behaviour towards you and your response (be this depression or whatever) is teaching them that this is the norm.
I fully understand you are not ready to make a break. I'd just ask to consider yourself a bit more in all of this. This is not your fault. You did not ask to be abused and belittled in this way.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I can understand people who feel the best thing to do would be to split, really I do. I'm not unintelligent. (Although it may appear that way) I'm of the belief I cannot change anyone else, or make them do what I want. I can change the things about me which he feels have ruined our relationship. I can be a very cold person and for the past 3 years due to my pnd and subsequent depression I have not put effort into our relationship. He is right in that if you continually push someone away they will get bored of you.
My depression is a bit better (for now) and I'm trying. That's all I can do. If after that it still doesn't work. We will have to rethink

Hes physically abused you. Pushing and shoving. Hes been abusive to your eldest daughter. Hes called you horrible names.
Hes taken pics of attractive women on his phone. Hes wished you dead.

And now you are being manipulated into believing you are at fault because you suffered from PND and depression.

No wonder you had depression living with someone like him. I absolutely appreciate that having depression makes people hard to live with.

But that is not the reason hes behaved the way he has behaved towards you. Its got nothing to do with your depression. Absolutely nothing.

Men who abuse women are mysoginists. They hate women. And that does not mean I think all men are women haters, they certainly arent. But believe me, if it wasnt you he was abusing, it would be someone else, over something else.

Ive spoken about my mums experience on this thread. We were speaking the other day and thats exactly what she was saying. Her second husband (she only found this out later), had been previously married, he had a child with his first wife. She got a divorce due to mental cruelty in the mid 1970s when it was very difficult to get a divorce on those grounds.

He then married my mum and then mentally and physically abused her for 2 years. Unless people recognise their own behaviour, go and get some intensive counselling and make massive efforts to change, they will go from one relationship to the next, picking on people, abusing them.

I know people who have had PND and depression and who I bet have not been easy to live with. But what they have had from their partners, is support. And love.

Both of which seem to have been in very short supply in your relationship.

heartbreak_star

What are you going to do when he hits you, or your daughter?

What are you going to do when you completely change everything you are, and you're STILL not what he wants?

I hope your blinkers fall off soon.

HBS x

Anon34

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