How can I fix this?

heartbreak_star

How many more warning signs do you need?

HBS x

tayforth

Judi wrote: »

Have you ever thought OP that your man may be the biggest cause of your depression?

I was thinking the same thing.

Anon34 wrote: »

I had depression in the past, it only came back after my daughter was born.
He blames me for that, too be fair in the very early days he did the majority of looking after her. He was amazing for stepping up when I couldn't.
But he feels I have ruined his life, I don't get on with his mother, she's a manipulative controlling gossip and she also thinks depression only happens to weak people or is an excuse for laziness. So she won't come to my house and I won't go to hers. He says he can't go see her because they live 5 hours away and I will accuse of of things.
Tbf I only accuse him because he hides things, or tells me if the opportunity arises I will have an affair.
On the plus side I went out to a fitness class ladt night and he didn't cause a row or accuse me of anything so that's a step forward

My ex-MIL is the very same! Don't let her get to you. And don't think that your OH can be excused because he looked after his own daughter.

Anon34 wrote: »

I think my children will grow up and feel resentment towards me. (Oh says the will hate me for being a miserable cow and want nothing to do with me)
I don't want u all to think its awful all the time for the kids, it's not.

My eldest and I are very close and she often hugs me and says ignore what he says about u mum I love u, u are the best.
My youngest adores her dad. And he adores her. He would do anything for her.
Although she will say sometimes daddy hates you mum. He says your a cow.
Not nice and obvious she takes in more than I thought. So past few months I haven't argued so there has been no shouting and I act happy round them

I have no comment on this, just wanted to repost it so that you can read it again. Your children are being abused by this man.

julie2710

Anon34 wrote: »

I think my children will grow up and feel resentment towards me. (Oh says the will hate me for being a miserable cow and want nothing to do with me)
I don't want u all to think its awful all the time for the kids, it's not.

My eldest and I are very close and she often hugs me and says ignore what he says about u mum I love u, u are the best.
My youngest adores her dad. And he adores her. He would do anything for her.
Although she will say sometimes daddy hates you mum. He says your a cow.
Not nice and obvious she takes in more than I thought. So past few months I haven't argued so there has been no shouting and I act happy round them

And that is ok with you? Seriously I know it's not easy but this is just madness! How dare he tell his daughter that you are a cow and he hates you?

Do you think that because you haven't shouted and try to act happy they will think everything is ok?

You didn't answer the question about what you will do if he ever hits the children? Maybe he has already?

I've no doubt your children love you, strange that he decides to use the "they will hate you too" line. He is a nasty manipulative little man. Between the pair of you you are doing your children no favours. They deserve happy parents not this.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I think my children will grow up and feel resentment towards me. (Oh says the will hate me for being a miserable cow and want nothing to do with me)
I don't want u all to think its awful all the time for the kids, it's not.

My eldest and I are very close and she often hugs me and says ignore what he says about u mum I love u, u are the best.
My youngest adores her dad. And he adores her. He would do anything for her.
Although she will say sometimes daddy hates you mum. He says your a cow.
Not nice and obvious she takes in more than I thought. So past few months I haven't argued so there has been no shouting and I act happy round them

Speaking as someone who grew up watching my mum be abused, 2 years. The happiest day of my entire life was the day he left. And my mum still feels guilty, she has no reason to, none of it was her fault. She asked him numerous times to leave, he refused.

I cant imagine what it would have been like growing up in that for any length of time. Mainly for my mums sake. My stepdad didnt abuse me, he didnt like me, he wasnt nice to my wee brother either, he was just a tot at the time, when my mum and I used to go out, I did sports, she only found out later that my brother would just be ignored and left to it.

He used to beat her and she gave back as good as she got, but he could have killed her, thats the reality. She had to get out.

Your oldest is already seeing your partner abuse you and trying to smooth things over and make this ok for you.
Your current partner (who you are trying to make excuses for), tells you that your kids are going to grow up hating you and calling you a miserable cow.

And you are having to watch every p and q round your partner and your ex partner just incase someone kicks off so that your kids dont see or feel the effects of whats going on, because of two men in your life who have behaved terribly towards you.

You are just papering over the cracks. You arent being true to yourself, theres nothing about any of this thats of any positive benefit to you and your kids, but you stay.

And I suspect the reason why you stay is because youve been told so often that you are a disaster and no one else would want you. I heard it so many times about myself it wasnt true.

You dont have to stay in a relationship thats absolutely past its sell by date just because youve had bad experiences in the past and youve been convinced that its all your fault.

This is toxic, its unhealthy and you can make as many excuses for this man as you like, but hes absolutely in the wrong and you could try and try and try for years to make things right.
I think its gone way past that.

In a normal life you should be able to go out and do a fitness class without world war 3 breaking out. You shouldnt need to ask permission to do something without thinking what kind of grief am I going home to.

Its no way to live, its just horrible. You deserve better, stop making excuses for him. There arent any.

Hes told your young daughter that he hates you and you are a cow. What else do you need to convince you that he is a nasty piece of work and hes trying to poison your kids against you.

Anon34

.............

Frith

Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You can do an online course and it might be useful.

P.S I left my ex husband to go to a women's refuge in 2005. I also think giving Women's Aid a ring (or sending them an email) might be helpful.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

He has never hit either of the children. If he did he would be out the door. No excuses. I grew up with parents throwing things at each other and me, fighting and telling me they hated me.

I can be very short tempered with the kids, this annoys him no end as he thinks I have no patience.

My mum said that as well, if my stepdad had hit either of us he would have been out of the door. And I believe her.

But she endured much more abuse than she should have done. You actually need to get to a point where you can clearly see how abusive this man is and get the strength to make some decisions about where to go from here.

Because if you stay with this person, you cant protect the kids from everything. Your child could grow up mentally damaged by his behaviour and the atmosphere in the house.

And I agree, I think you need to speak to someone from womens aid, people who are trained to deal with women who have gone through abusive relationships. And I think you need to do it as soon as possible.

For your sake and your kids sake.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

He has never hit either of the children. If he did he would be out the door. No excuses. I grew up with parents throwing things at each other and me, fighting and telling me they hated me.

I can be very short tempered with the kids, this annoys him no end as he thinks I have no patience.

But hes the one who does the shouting at your daughter.

Im struggling to see a single thing this man has ever said to you thats positive.

It just seems like criticism after criticism.

quietheart

Anon34 wrote: »

He has never hit either of the children. If he did he would be out the door. No excuses. I grew up with parents throwing things at each other and me, fighting and telling me they hated me.

I can be very short tempered with the kids, this annoys him no end as he thinks I have no patience.

This sounds like you are waiting for him to hit the children:eek:
He is already emotionally abusing and damaging them.
You have been damaged by your upbringing and that possibly shows to the 2 men you have been abused by. they have chosen you because they are controlling abusive men.
I'm getting more and more concerned by your situation.
I hope you find the strength and resilience to free yourself and your children from this abuse.

quietheart

Women's Aid 0808 2000247
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/
give them a call now, it might help, it won't make it any worse.