How can I fix this?

tayforth

Nobody is calling you a bad parent. You are not.

You are being abused. Your partner is the bad parent.

(((hugs))) xxx

Blackpool_Saver

anon please don't go, some people don't understand, most of us on this thread do, please keep checking back, don't go, you do not need to be more isolated, I have been where you are.....

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

People can be concerned without passing judgement.
Or maybe not.

Either way, I have taken on board advice given, perhaps I haven't ended my relationship because strangers on the Internet think I should. That does not make me a bad parent.

Like I said thanks.

Lets get a bit of perspective on this. You tell people on a thread some of the abuse you are suffering. You can expect people to react and you cant control how people will react to the things you have said.

Some of these strangers on the internet including myself have grown up witnessing people we care about being badly mistreated. Or some have been through it themselves.

Its very possible people dont want you to go through some of the things they have seen and done.

And, if you can take some time to think about things, get some proper support and advice, you are going to be in a much stronger position.

Because in a few weeks time or a few months time or a years time, you might be back on starting another thread saying things are really bad and you need support to get out.

The most important people in this scenario are you and your kids.

And I really hope that somewhere deep down you are realising that you shouldnt have to live like this.

esmecullen

Anon34 wrote: »

People can be concerned without passing judgement.
Or maybe not.

Either way, I have taken on board advice given, perhaps I haven't ended my relationship because strangers on the Internet think I should. That does not make me a bad parent.

Like I said thanks.

I've read this thread from start to finish.....................and anon34 I only have one bit of advice.................please get rid of him, nothing will change.............you are not the bad parent here..............you need a better life for yourself and child...........please, even if its the only thing you do................GET HIM OUT of your life and your property

duchy

Probably the most telling thing in this thread is that you grew up with abusive parents so learned that it's OK to behave that way in relationships..... Hopefully you feel your daughters deserve better from their future partners -and you will be able to teach that by example-and will over time talk to Women's Aid and get counseling to see how you can change things (whether you stay or leave)

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

Lets get a bit of perspective on this. You tell people on a thread some of the abuse you are suffering. You can expect people to react and you cant control how people will react to the things you have said.

Some of these strangers on the internet including myself have grown up witnessing people we care about being badly mistreated. Or some have been through it themselves.

Its very possible people dont want you to go through some of the things they have seen and done.

And, if you can take some time to think about things, get some proper support and advice, you are going to be in a much stronger position.

Because in a few weeks time or a few months time or a years time, you might be back on starting another thread saying things are really bad and you need support to get out.

The most important people in this scenario are you and your kids.

And I really hope that somewhere deep down you are realising that you shouldnt have to live like this.

I couldn't agree more.

OP, you posted here for a reason. I hope that you keep posting. But whatever you do, you should print off this thread and read through it when you can, at a quiet time. It really is full of good advice.

I know that some of the posts are rather strongly worded, but that's because many of us have been in your situation and we now have the benefit of hindsight. We see how much better off and happier we are without the abuse. And we want the same for you.

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

Your entitled to your opinion. But don't dare judge me when you haven't lived me life.

Thank you for everyone's advice. I appreciate it.
I came here for advice maybe a bit of understanding. Not to be called a bad parent. I get enough of that at home.

I will leave it at that.

Thank you all again x

I can appreciate that some posts might touch a very raw nerve. But theres no such thing as posting anything on the internet and getting a completely non judgemental response. Its what we all do, even the people who support you, theres always some kind of judgement of a certain situation going on.

Also, youve spoken about your kids. Youve referred to this man as a bully, youve said he told the youngest child that you are a cow. People are going to be concerned about you staying in that kind of situation.

My view is, it doesnt matter how nice someone can be, how hard working, how much they provide for people. Once people start abusing you then its time to send them on their way.
And just because this man isnt smacking your kids, doesnt mean hes not abusing them.

I spoke about a friend of my family earlier, the girl in question got out in part because of an incident with one of the kids where the child was hurt, an accident but the injury was left untreated by this person (and hes in the medical profession) and was brushed off as no big deal. But not only that, these kids were being brought up in an environment that was clearly unhealthy and even though he wasnt smacking them up and down the place, they were being affected by the relationship breakdown.

I think to be fair some people on here have been a bit concerned that youve offloaded so much and he just comes home and its business as usual. Hes not shouted at you and hes helping with the kids. That doesnt make what you've all been through right.

And I think you actually know this and know that in general people on here have a decent handle on how awful this person is to you, and I do think you know you have to get out of this relationship

Because youve put up with a hell of a lot more abuse day in day out than someone disagreeing with you on the internet.
And its your choice to leave this thread if you want to, but Id rather you stayed and read it back, like suggested. I think you are opting out of this thread, not because the poster made a comment to you that you dont agree with, but because you know the advice people are giving you is solid and right now you dont want to make drastic changes.

And think, what on earth would you say to the person who posted this thread if you found this thread on the internet?

You arent unintelligent, you just have a few tough choices to make

quietheart

Anon34 wrote: »

Your entitled to your opinion. But don't dare judge me when you haven't lived me life.

Thank you for everyone's advice. I appreciate it.
I came here for advice maybe a bit of understanding. Not to be called a bad parent. I get enough of that at home.

I will leave it at that.

Thank you all again x

That's why I really think Women's Aid would maybe support you more fully. There's many women there in your situation. They aren't leaving they just want somewhere to talk.
There's also an online forum:

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/topics.asp?section=00010001000800210001&sectionTitle=Messageboard

PLEASE don't withdraw. I can understand if you no longer wish to post here but there are others places that can support you.

best of luck

scrappie_2

Hi OP

I have been keeping up with your thread since it started, but have not posted, as I really didn't know what to say that could help. However, reading posts from the past two days I really think I need to add to the mix.

You obviously feel today that people are accusing you of being a bad parent - I really don't think for the majority of people who have taken the time to reply, that is the case. Admittedly, one person seems to think so - more than 280 posts before that one, and in all of those no-one had accused you of been a bad mother. That is less than 0.5% of posts. Interesting that you have picked up on this ONE post and not the other 280+ But when you are so far 'inside' a situation that you can't see a way out, I know how difficult it is to see the 'real' picture. I'm sure you are a fantastic mum to both of your girls and that you do the best job you can in what seems to be a very difficult situation.


I would really like you to re-read the post below and write down the advice you would give to this person.

Looking for some constructive advice on how to solve my oh and I relationship problems? I can't see a way to fix this

My OH and I have had numerous issues over the years we have been together with him contacting women online or via text, which he claims is innocent but continues to hide and delete. I found him commenting on a sleazy website with pics of naked wives etc. However, the recent incident has really shaken me.

Whilst out on a bus my OH took a few photos of a women, unbeknownst to her might I add and posted them online to his friends saying how she was jaw droppingly gorgeous, wow never seen anything so hot etc.

Appantly we don't have sex enough. ( mostly might I add because he told me I "put him off" as I'm not as into it as his ex was, he also told me I was boring in bed, and his ex was much better than me.

I have no confidence left. And tbh I find it hard to be anywhere near someone who behaves like a randy teenage boy.

I'm almost at the end of my tether with it all. I just find it hard to be intimate with someone who makes me feel so carp.

We argue all the time. I don't want to spend time with him, he constantly puts down the way I bring the kids up and our last big argument he told me he hates me, wishes he never met me. And it would be better if I just killed myself ( suicidal thoughts were a problem for me in my worse depression episodes)

In your heart of hearts, do you really think that this behaviour is acceptable?

I'm of the belief I cannot change anyone else, or make them do what I want. I can change the things about me which he feels have ruined our relationship.

So you realise that you cannot change a person, but on reading this you feel that he can? If you feel that changing yourself because of things he feels have ruined you relationship is worth it then I'm sure that that is the right thing for you to do. Me, I would only try to change my behaviour if I thought it was wrong, but that's me.....

My depression is a bit better (for now) and I'm trying. That's all I can do.

Have you had any professional help with your depression? If not, I reccomend (from personal experence) that you talk to your GP. It is a horrible ilness - and it is just that, an illness!!! It is not lazyness - no matter what the mother-in-law says.

I'm sure my oh could come on here and list the things I have said and done and people would say the same thing to him. Leave etc. truth is we have both behaved badly toward one another and I have hidden behind my depression as an excuse

It's the old story of two sides to every tale, I agree you have both no doubt said things to hurt eachother. However, as I said, depression is and illness - not an excuse. For your own wellbeing, please find 'professional' help if you have not already done so. It is such an easily treatable illness, but so many people (myself included) try to struggle on, thinking that things will get better in time. Sometimes we need help to get better. If you had a headache, you would take a tablet. If you broke a leg, you would go to A&E. It's just another illness, for which there are many treatment options.

In my partners previous relationships he has been very happy, so has never behaved this way with anyone but me. My ex partner was on the other hand was a manipulative liar who cheated left right and centre.
He has since gone on to be happy.

How do you know that the other relationships these men have had were such a bed of roses???? If your partner was SOOOOO happy in his last relationship, how come it ended and he now with you???? You cant believe everything that you are told - you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

There have been times in the past where I have tried, and been as loving and nice as I can be ( it's difficult because as Pauline said I resent him) and its been wonderful until my act slips and he says "nothing's changed same old with you" calls me names throws stuff

So, in the past you have changed you behaviour to please him - but even you realise this in an 'act'. It's very commendable that you would want to put on this act again in order to save your relationship - but do you think it will work?? Surly, you deserve to be happy as yourself - not happy acting the part of what someone else wants you to be??

I had depression in the past, it only came back after my daughter was born.
He blames me for that

Would he blame you if (god forbid) you had cancer and that came back. Depression is an ILLNESS.

he feels I have ruined his life

I'm assuming that he has two working legs, and if he really relt that strongly, he could leave. He choses to stay. As do you.

depression only happens to weak people

Depression actually tends to occur in very strong willed people. People who 'soldier on', 'try to cope', 'just get on with life'. These people tend to be able to take an awful lot before they 'break'. 'Weak' people break a lot earlier in the development of the illness.

On the plus side I went out to a fitness class ladt night and he didn't cause a row or accuse me of anything so that's a step forward

That is great news - he alowed you out of the house to excercise with out accusing you of something. Just say that sentence out loud.

Unfortunately both men I have had relationships with ( I was with my ex for 11 years) have said the same things about me.

Well, they are not likely to put their hands up and say 'no, it was all my fault' are they now!!!!!

I think my children will grow up and feel resentment towards me. (Oh says the will hate me for being a miserable cow and want nothing to do with me)

Your kids love you now and they will love oyu in the future. The OH says they hate you?? Well, such a loving, kindhearted person is not really going to tell you that the world will love you. Listen to what your eldest tells you - SHE LOVES YOU!!!! As for the youngest, is she not just repeating things she has heard daddy say so often??

He has never hit either of the children. If he did he would be out the door. No excuses.

Your mum said this about you as a child I'm sure. Can I ask why, as an adult, you don't afford yourself the same protection that you would give to your kids? Why are you less worthy of a life without abuse, fighting, shouting, accusations, physical abuse??? You wouldn't let someone treat your kids this way - but it's OK for someone to treat you this way??? To your mum, you are still her child, YOU don't deserve it either.

I have taken on board advice given, perhaps I haven't ended my relationship because strangers on the Internet think I should. That does not make me a bad parent.

You should only end your relationship if YOU think its the right thing to do - sod what us lot on the internet say. WE are no living your life - it HAS to be your choice. All that said, I don't think for one minute that you are a bad mother.




Many people have given much good advice on here - several useful links to outside help have been posted. I am sure that whan you feel the time is right, you will take the action that you feel is right for you and your children. I think that all of us reading this thread feel that that time is now. But we are not in your personal situation and it's very easy to give advice looking in from the outside. But, the good news in all of this is that posted on here in the first place. So you clearly think something is not quite right. I hope that in time (and not too much of it) you will see what the rest of see - a mum of two in an abusive relationship, trying her best to change her behaviour so that her OH doesn't cause a row. When you see that - give that girl some good advice!!




I'm not sure anything I have said will be of any help - but in your first post you did say all advice welcome. I really hope that you get your current situation sorted and become in a postion where you happy to be living your life.



Just wanted to add - if you need to talk about your depression (or any other stuff), please PM me. I will let you knoe how I got help and what worked for me.

Take care x

quietheart

Scrappie, that's a really lovely post.