How can I fix this?

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

I'm sure my oh could come on here and list the things I have said and done and people would say the same thing to him. Leave etc. truth is we have both behaved badly toward one another and I have hidden behind my depression as an excuse, he's not a bad man. He works hard, buys us the things we want and all he really wants is someone who shows him affection, I have shut off completely but I understand this may have had a bearing on his behaviour.

It's easy to judge someone's life and although you may be right who knows? It's me who has to live with my decisions

People are concerned for you, not judging you. And yes there are two sides to every story. But if what you have detailed on here about the things that hes said and done to you, hes an abusive person and hes using your depression and post natal depression as a way to blame you for his abusive behaviour.

Its irrelevant if he works hard and buys you material things, hes been horrible to you and your kids.

And who on earth would show someone affection when they get shouted at, yelled at, pushed and shoved, told that they are mental, etc etc etc

I wouldnt. I wouldnt want to. And I'll also say this. Be very prepared for the next time he wants a kiss and a cuddle or more, that you actually feel that you dont want to be affectionate with him. Because you will resent the way hes been treating you for all this time, its an absolutely natural reaction.

I would withdraw from someone who is abusing me. But instead of recognising what hes done and how awful hes been to you, somehow the bulk of this seems to be your fault because youve been depressed and you've not done the things you should have.

Well I absolutely admire you for having the balls to say that youve made mistakes, but hes admitted to absolutely nothing of what hes done to you, how hes abused you.

And until you actually realise just how badly you've been treated over the years and that hes actually not a very nice human being, you are going to find it much harder to get away from him.

He might be able to make excuses for his rotten behaviour and put it all on you, but he needs to actually admit hes at fault, massively.

But he wont and he never will as long as you are prepared to take more than your fair share of blame for a situation that he has in the majority caused.

tayforth

OP. In the last few months of my marriage, I was completely withdrawn from my ex. I wasn't eating with him, sleeping with him, spending any time with him whatsoever. I couldn't bear to be in the same room as him most of the time. Occasionally, I gave in and spent some time with him. I almost always regretted it, as he would inevitably start an argument and end up screaming at me.

I escaped to my mum's every chance I could.

He accused me of being a bad wife. And he almost had me believing it.


Yes, under normal circumstances, if he had not been abusive, I would have been a bad wife. But my withdrawal from him was a direct result of the abuse. I simply couldn't take it any more.



You have the option of changing your behaviour. But it won't fix your relationship. Your OH wont thank you for it. He will continue to abuse you. There will always be an excuse.


Your only 2 options are:


1. Stay, and put up with this cycle of abuse forever


OR


2. Leave






My heart goes out to you xxx

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

In my partners previous relationships he has been very happy, so has never behaved this way with anyone but me. My ex partner was on the other hand was a manipulative liar who cheated left right and centre.
He has since gone on to be happy.

I sometimes can't help but feel I'm the common denominator, (my oh has also pointed this out) perhaps, my behaviour has an affect on people.

I just want my oh to be happy, and my children ( I should add he is making a huge effort with my eldest too)

You have no idea if your ex partner is happy. One of my exes was abusive to me, hes now married with a kid. On the surface hes happy, but his first marriage lasted a year, I think that says it all.

No, sorry, you arent the common denominator, youve just been unlucky picking men who have treated you like dirt.

Oh and your partner has pointed this out that YOU are the common denominator. How very nice of him to blame you for the way other people behaved towards you.

That just absolves him of anything hes done, because it obviously makes sense that if youve been in one abusive relationship and then another, it must be you and your behaviour thats caused it.

This is just part of the abuse, making the person on the receiving end feel that they are to blame for being abused.

Oh and if your partner was so happy with his exes, why isnt he still with them?

quietheart

Anon34 wrote: »

In my partners previous relationships he has been very happy, so has never behaved this way with anyone but me. My ex partner was on the other hand was a manipulative liar who cheated left right and centre.
He has since gone on to be happy.

I sometimes can't help but feel I'm the common denominator, (my oh has also pointed this out) perhaps, my behaviour has an affect on people.

I just want my oh to be happy, and my children ( I should add he is making a huge effort with my eldest too)

Again, you haven't asked to be abused. No one's behaviour warrants abuse. (big fat full stop).
Would you consider getting emotional support from an organisation like Victim Support? They won't advise you in any way or judge you, they're just there for you to have someone to turn to, someone to help you make sense of your feelings.
You know this isn't right that's why you've started this thread. Is there anyone, family or friends who you can confide in?
You need support, whether you stay or not, it's you I'm concerned about.

Anon34

.............

tayforth

Anon34 wrote: »

In my partners previous relationships he has been very happy, so has never behaved this way with anyone but me. My ex partner was on the other hand was a manipulative liar who cheated left right and centre.
He has since gone on to be happy.

I sometimes can't help but feel I'm the common denominator, (my oh has also pointed this out) perhaps, my behaviour has an affect on people.

I just want my oh to be happy, and my children ( I should add he is making a huge effort with my eldest too)

Oh my God, this makes my blood boil!!!!!


My ex said the same things to me. It's your fault. I've never been like this with anyone else. I was happy with all my previous girlfriends, they weren't a nightmare like you.


Well, guess what? I've since found out that he WAS horrid to his most significant ex. So horrid that she left him and moved back to her mum's. she's now married and very happy.

Pixiechic

I understand that you are not ready to leave, the title of your post is 'How can I fix this'. The answer is that YOU can't fix this alone.

Your depression and lack of intimacy is completely understandable as your confidence and self esteem has slowly been eroded to nothing.

You deserve to be treated better but whilst you still blame yourself, you will look to improve situations that are beyond your control.

People want you to leave because you sound like you are in an abusive relationship. I don't want to pressure you though as you may feel that you cant come back here! At the moment, if all you want is support, then you have that here too

Maybe, you could do some little things now that could help in the future? Maybe try to squirrel a little money away each week/month. Get your paperwork together and keep separately in a safe place. Keep a diary documenting what happens on a daily basis. If you don't need it down the line then fine, but if you do, it's all there.

I understand you wanting to make this work, but not at the expense of yours and your child's health and happiness.

Take care and all the best

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

There have been times in the past where I have tried, and been as loving and nice as I can be ( it's difficult because as Pauline said I resent him) and its been wonderful until my act slips and he says "nothing's changed same old with you" calls me names throws stuff, but I can see that to him it looks like I don't care at all , when in fact I have shut off because I care do much and this way all the things I keep finding out (majority of which he claims are in my head) don't hurt as much. If that makes any sense.

I want to accept what I have done has influenced the things he has said snd done and we all say things in rows. Doesn't mean you mean everything you say. At least from my point of view, I hope his too

I understand that you want to believe that your behaviour has influenced the way that he behaves, because you need to make sense of whats been going on and you think that if you make an effort, the abuse will stop.

But. The fact that hes saying stuff is all in your head. Abuse. Calling you mental. Abuse. Pushing and shoving you. Abuse.
Being horrible to your daughter. Abuse.

A grown man is trying to say that everything you say to him in the heat of the moment or the fact that you have withdrawn from him emotionally is responsible for him behaving like a nasty vindictive bully. Im sure you used those words.

COME ON!!!!!! Hes got it easy here. He can abuse you and your family to his hearts content and when you react, he turns round and says, well I wouldnt do it if you didnt do this to me.

Many people dont live like this. Even in the worst times. They deal with the worst stuff without one of them being abused.

I can almost gurarantee you, even if you decide to work on the issues within yourself that you think you need working on, there will be some blow up about something. Might be weeks, might be months, but it will happen. And it will all be your fault and in the meantime you will need to walk around treading on eggshells just incase you put one toe wrong.

Because he is now in such a pattern of behaviour, I dont think hes going to change it even if he wanted to.

No one makes people abuse others. Its a choice these people make. They choose to behave in that way towards people.
No one forces them.

System

Have you ever thought OP that your man may be the biggest cause of your depression?

thehappybutterfly

My ex only hit me 'because I deserved it'. Nobody liked me. I was a useless piece of !!!!!!. I was a lousy lay. And I believed it.

However, my hubby tells me everybody loves me. That our family and my team at work would fall apart without me. And apparently I'm bloody brilliant in bed. And I believe him.

If what my ex told me was true, surely my hubby would be saying the same things? Just a thought.