How can I fix this?

Blackpool_Saver

Hi, OP, please update, are you ok?

Blackpool_Saver

I suspect the OP is back in the honeymoon phase of abuse again, rinse and repeat....

http://hubbardhouse.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/cycle_of_abuse.jpg

coolcait

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

I suspect the OP is back in the honeymoon phase of abuse again, rinse and repeat....

http://hubbardhouse.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/cycle_of_abuse.jpg

A horrible thought - but better than the alternative.

Blackpool_Saver

coolcait wrote: »

A horrible thought - but better than the alternative.

indeed it is, I wish she would post

paulineb_2

Some people dont post on here daily and as I recall, this was the first thread she had started.

I do hope she is ok, but Im sure she'll be back in time to update.

coolcait

paulineb wrote: »

Some people dont post on here daily and as I recall, this was the first thread she had started.

I do hope she is ok, but Im sure she'll be back in time to update.

I appreciate the reassurance, and obviously hope that you are right.

However, being aware of the advice that - effectively - a victim of abuse is most at risk at the point of trying to end the abusive relationship, I do find it hard to be so sanguine in the face of silence from the OP.

Bear in mind that this thread, and others on MSE, have reiterated the point above, and I do feel that there's an element of mixed messages at times.

Anon34

.............

paulineb_2

Anon34 wrote: »

Hi
I apologise for not updating but I don't have access to Internet everyday.

Nothing much to update really, we never talked and have sort of fallen back into daily routine. Although there has been no nastiness or arguing. So that's an improvement.

I'm trying to take on board the things he has said ( I'm too short tempered ) and keep calm. But I realise things may revert back. He still has his phone glued to his side and constantly checks it , I'm trying not to accuse though.

Thanks for all your advice and messages. It's appreciated

And is he trying to take on board the things he said and done to you over the years and do something to change his ways?

Basically it looks very much like hes had a bit of a shock when you told him you wanted to split, hes keeping quiet for a few days. Expect all hell to break loose again at some point because it will.

I dont mean to sound harsh here, but you actually havent resolved a single thing here. You are basically waiting for his next outburst

And I really do not blame you for wanting essentially a quiet life. But this few days of calm doesnt change anything hes said before or done before.

And as for you taking on board the issues that you need to work on (and anyone would be short tempered living with someone like him), when is he going to work on the issues he needs to work on?

tayforth

Anon34 wrote: »

Hi
I apologise for not updating but I don't have access to Internet everyday.

Nothing much to update really, we never talked and have sort of fallen back into daily routine. Although there has been no nastiness or arguing. So that's an improvement.

I'm trying to take on board the things he has said ( I'm too short tempered ) and keep calm. But I realise things may revert back. He still has his phone glued to his side and constantly checks it , I'm trying not to accuse though.

Thanks for all your advice and messages. It's appreciated

Sounds like you're in the 'calm' phase...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

I'm willing to bet that the cycle continues, as it did with me, countless times. During each 'calm' phase, I hoped that things had finally changed.

But I was wrong every time.

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

And is he trying to take on board the things he said and done to you over the years and do something to change his ways?

Basically it looks very much like hes had a bit of a shock when you told him you wanted to split, hes keeping quiet for a few days. Expect all hell to break loose again at some point because it will.

I dont mean to sound harsh here, but you actually havent resolved a single thing here. You are basically waiting for his next outburst

And I really do not blame you for wanting essentially a quiet life. But this few days of calm doesnt change anything hes said before or done before.

And as for you taking on board the issues that you need to work on (and anyone would be short tempered living with someone like him), when is he going to work on the issues he needs to work on?

Pauline is right. Why are you changing your behaviour, biting your tongue, and expecting nothing from him in return?