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Am I doing the right thing?
OptimusNemesis
Posts: 97 Forumite
Well, I've had about 6 great months with my girlfriend. Things were going really well. She told me that she loved me and we had some great times together.
We were planning to spend Easter together when her gran suddenly and unexpectedly died. I told her I was really sorry to hear about it but she told me that they weren't very close so she didn't really feel too down about it. A couple of days before I was supposed to come over, I became quite ill. I was sent home from work and I texted my girlfriend to tell her that I would be too ill to fly over to her for the weekend. I told her I was really sorry and that I'd shift the flight to the weekend after. At first she was ok about it and said that she understood and didn't want me to come over as I was ill. I thanked her for understanding and told her that I'd moved the flight, as I said I would.
Almost immediately she seemed to get really angry with me and told me to 'stop with the false pleasantries'. She said some nasty stuff and I decided I'd ease off messaging her back for the evening as she was obviously upset.
Unfortunately, things haven't improved much since then. I spoke to her on the Saturday night and she seemed to suddenly assume I was breaking up with her. When I told her I wasn't sure why she was saying that, she just got enraged again and just suddenly disappeared. She'd been acting really down and out of character all day. After a day of her being completely silent, I posted on here and asked some of my friends what I should do as I was really worried about her, given her state of mind. She'd told me that she'd had a period of depression before she met me where she'd gone 'off the rails' and done some pretty scary things as a result. In the end, I decided to contact her brother on Facebook. I apologised for disturbing him at that time but I explained that what had happened and that I just wanted to know if she was ok. He explained that she was really angry at me for not coming over. Once I realised she was ok, I left things.
A couple of days later she texted me and we had a conversation and she seemed to have calmed down and forgiven me. The next day however, she turned nasty again and started texting abuse to me. At first I just tried to take it, thinking she was upset over her gran and didn't mean it. After putting up with it for about 45 minutes I suddenly lost my temper and texted her back, asking her to stop texting me. The weird thing is she seemed to suddenly snap out of it and she said something along the lines of "we always hurt those we care about the most" or similar.
I was so annoyed with her - particularly over one thing she said to me (that wasn't even true) - that I thought it best to leave it as I didn't want to carry on arguing and wanted things to calm down a bit.
The following day, I texted her and told her that I didn't want to fight with her and that I was looking forward to seeing her that weekend. I didn't hear anything back but left things, given what was going on. Thursday night came (I was due to fly over on Friday) and I messaged her again, asking if she still wanted me to come over. I wanted to know whether I had wasted the money I'd spent to get the flight (keeping in mind I'd already moved the flight and had to pay to do that and that it was non-refundable). She didn't answer, so I left it until just before I went to bed and I sent her another message explaining that I really needed to know as I would need to take the stuff for the weekend with me to work (which she knows I do) plus I wanted to know whether I had basically thrown away £275 on the flight. She answered and first of all said she was talking to someone to decide what to do about me and then she sent another saying she was going to hand write me a letter but she didn't want me to fly over. So I lost the £275 as I didn't want to more the flight again in case I lost even more, plus I wouldn't be able to sell the flight in time or give it to someone else (I did ask but nobody at work wanted it).
The letter she sent me was awful. It was basically 7 pages of swearing and ranting at me. I must have been called just about every name imaginable. The bizarre thing was that she had decorated the envelope like it was a love letter. It wasn't until I started reading it that I realised it was anything but.
I left things for about a week before I sent a message and told her that I wanted to talk about things. She replied and seemed to have pulled out of it. She told me that she appreciated that I cared about her and that she loved me. I thought things were on the mend.
The next day, she flipped again. I asked whether she'd like me to come over and she said she didn't care. Well, I wasn't going to risk yet more money so I just said for her to let me know when she changed her mind.
This has pretty much carried on since. A while back she sent me an email while I was at work, which I couldn't read. I texted her and told her I'd have to read it when I got home. A couple of hours later she suddenly started sending me panicky texts begging me not to read the email and to just delete it. I asked her what on Earth it said but she wouldn't say and she asked me to promise to delete it without reading it. I agreed and deleted it as soon as I got home. She then told me she loved me so very much and that she was really grateful she could trust me. She sounded more like her old self and I went to bed that night thinking things were resolved at last.
Wrong again. Since then, things have been pretty bad. She doesn't care about anything. I sent her some flowers to try and cheer her up a bit and she sent me a really nasty message saying that flowers were a waste of money and that I'd fallen into 'the boyfriend trap' of apologising with flowers. She apparently binned them. She'd always appreciated flowers before so that was a surprise to me.
I went on a training course with work which put me a lot nearer to where she was. I told her it would be a good opportunity for me to fly over for much cheaper. She agreed at first but then started acting like she didn't care again. At that point I told her that I wasn't going to come over unless she actually wanted me to be there. She then admitted she would like me there although I must admit by that point I was starting to wonder whether I should.
Throughout the course she kept sending me weird messages - she would quote things I'd said in the past but she would twist the words I'd said. For example, I'd said on one occasion that I understood that she had a lot of family in Northern Ireland - said in all innocence. But one of her texts quoted that and accused me of belittling her. I still don't understand how that did that - it certainly wasn't intended that way. In the end, I texted her and asked her to refrain from texting me while I was doing the course - especially since she was over-analysing everything I'd said and twisting things I'd said.
I did fly over there a couple of weekends ago. At first she was cold but we went to the cinema over the weekend and she suddenly really warmed up. She kept hold of my hand through the whole movie and was much chattier and happier after. Then the next day she seemed to slide back a bit again, even insulting me on one occasion.
Naturally, I went home as confused as ever.
We were supposed to be going to a convention together in a couple of weeks but she has told me she can't afford to come over (this is after I'd already paid for the ticket). She has said she can't afford to come over now until August at the earliest. I asked if she'd like me to come over there and she just said "I suppose" so I've assumed not.
The last incident was a couple of weeks ago when she suddenly sent me yet another nasty email while I was at work. My mum had told me that morning she would have to have an operation so when I saw the email, I sent my girlfriend a message asking if it was another nasty one. I explained what was happening with my mum and I asked if we could discuss whatever was in the email another day. I asked her not to send me any more nasty messages. At which point she copied the email into a text and sent it to me that way. I told her that wasn't appreciated and that I'd specifically asked her not to send me any more as I had other things to worry about. She then started sending me more nasty texts and said my mum need an operation as 'karma'. At which point I told her not to text me again.
A day later she emailed me and said that now we had seen the ugly side of eachother (?) that we should try and 'row in the same direction together'. I think it was as close to an apology as I can expect right now. She then messaged me for a bit on Facebook and has since said she needs space to think about whether she still loves me. I told her that if she feels that way then perhaps we should call it a day. At first she she said she wanted a break in the relationship but she has since back-peddled and said she just wants space to think and 'work things through' to get things back to the start. She said she loves me but it is 'buried in there'.
And that's where I'm at now. Its now been two weeks. She occasionally comments on posts I've made on my Facebook page and - slightly bizarrely - sent my mum a 'get well soon' card, despite never having met her and apparently not really wanting to talk to me.
I've been trying to take all of this and put it down to her being upset about her gran dying but I'm at the point now where I'm wondering whether I'm doing the right thing in just waiting for her to resolve the problem. It's all very confusing. I've lost a lot of money and I'm half expecting to never hear from her again or to get another nasty email at some point.
I want to do the right thing and I don't want to hurt her by saying that we should perhaps call it a day. It feels like I may be kicking her while she's down if she's depressed and then I tell her that I think we should break up but I must admit that all the hateful messages I've been getting have made me feel pretty down.
Sorry this is a long post - its a bit hard to condense it down. I just wonder what people would do in my situation? I haven't messaged her for the two weeks as I've been hoping she will sort herself out.
- G
We were planning to spend Easter together when her gran suddenly and unexpectedly died. I told her I was really sorry to hear about it but she told me that they weren't very close so she didn't really feel too down about it. A couple of days before I was supposed to come over, I became quite ill. I was sent home from work and I texted my girlfriend to tell her that I would be too ill to fly over to her for the weekend. I told her I was really sorry and that I'd shift the flight to the weekend after. At first she was ok about it and said that she understood and didn't want me to come over as I was ill. I thanked her for understanding and told her that I'd moved the flight, as I said I would.
Almost immediately she seemed to get really angry with me and told me to 'stop with the false pleasantries'. She said some nasty stuff and I decided I'd ease off messaging her back for the evening as she was obviously upset.
Unfortunately, things haven't improved much since then. I spoke to her on the Saturday night and she seemed to suddenly assume I was breaking up with her. When I told her I wasn't sure why she was saying that, she just got enraged again and just suddenly disappeared. She'd been acting really down and out of character all day. After a day of her being completely silent, I posted on here and asked some of my friends what I should do as I was really worried about her, given her state of mind. She'd told me that she'd had a period of depression before she met me where she'd gone 'off the rails' and done some pretty scary things as a result. In the end, I decided to contact her brother on Facebook. I apologised for disturbing him at that time but I explained that what had happened and that I just wanted to know if she was ok. He explained that she was really angry at me for not coming over. Once I realised she was ok, I left things.
A couple of days later she texted me and we had a conversation and she seemed to have calmed down and forgiven me. The next day however, she turned nasty again and started texting abuse to me. At first I just tried to take it, thinking she was upset over her gran and didn't mean it. After putting up with it for about 45 minutes I suddenly lost my temper and texted her back, asking her to stop texting me. The weird thing is she seemed to suddenly snap out of it and she said something along the lines of "we always hurt those we care about the most" or similar.
I was so annoyed with her - particularly over one thing she said to me (that wasn't even true) - that I thought it best to leave it as I didn't want to carry on arguing and wanted things to calm down a bit.
The following day, I texted her and told her that I didn't want to fight with her and that I was looking forward to seeing her that weekend. I didn't hear anything back but left things, given what was going on. Thursday night came (I was due to fly over on Friday) and I messaged her again, asking if she still wanted me to come over. I wanted to know whether I had wasted the money I'd spent to get the flight (keeping in mind I'd already moved the flight and had to pay to do that and that it was non-refundable). She didn't answer, so I left it until just before I went to bed and I sent her another message explaining that I really needed to know as I would need to take the stuff for the weekend with me to work (which she knows I do) plus I wanted to know whether I had basically thrown away £275 on the flight. She answered and first of all said she was talking to someone to decide what to do about me and then she sent another saying she was going to hand write me a letter but she didn't want me to fly over. So I lost the £275 as I didn't want to more the flight again in case I lost even more, plus I wouldn't be able to sell the flight in time or give it to someone else (I did ask but nobody at work wanted it).
The letter she sent me was awful. It was basically 7 pages of swearing and ranting at me. I must have been called just about every name imaginable. The bizarre thing was that she had decorated the envelope like it was a love letter. It wasn't until I started reading it that I realised it was anything but.
I left things for about a week before I sent a message and told her that I wanted to talk about things. She replied and seemed to have pulled out of it. She told me that she appreciated that I cared about her and that she loved me. I thought things were on the mend.
The next day, she flipped again. I asked whether she'd like me to come over and she said she didn't care. Well, I wasn't going to risk yet more money so I just said for her to let me know when she changed her mind.
This has pretty much carried on since. A while back she sent me an email while I was at work, which I couldn't read. I texted her and told her I'd have to read it when I got home. A couple of hours later she suddenly started sending me panicky texts begging me not to read the email and to just delete it. I asked her what on Earth it said but she wouldn't say and she asked me to promise to delete it without reading it. I agreed and deleted it as soon as I got home. She then told me she loved me so very much and that she was really grateful she could trust me. She sounded more like her old self and I went to bed that night thinking things were resolved at last.
Wrong again. Since then, things have been pretty bad. She doesn't care about anything. I sent her some flowers to try and cheer her up a bit and she sent me a really nasty message saying that flowers were a waste of money and that I'd fallen into 'the boyfriend trap' of apologising with flowers. She apparently binned them. She'd always appreciated flowers before so that was a surprise to me.
I went on a training course with work which put me a lot nearer to where she was. I told her it would be a good opportunity for me to fly over for much cheaper. She agreed at first but then started acting like she didn't care again. At that point I told her that I wasn't going to come over unless she actually wanted me to be there. She then admitted she would like me there although I must admit by that point I was starting to wonder whether I should.
Throughout the course she kept sending me weird messages - she would quote things I'd said in the past but she would twist the words I'd said. For example, I'd said on one occasion that I understood that she had a lot of family in Northern Ireland - said in all innocence. But one of her texts quoted that and accused me of belittling her. I still don't understand how that did that - it certainly wasn't intended that way. In the end, I texted her and asked her to refrain from texting me while I was doing the course - especially since she was over-analysing everything I'd said and twisting things I'd said.
I did fly over there a couple of weekends ago. At first she was cold but we went to the cinema over the weekend and she suddenly really warmed up. She kept hold of my hand through the whole movie and was much chattier and happier after. Then the next day she seemed to slide back a bit again, even insulting me on one occasion.
Naturally, I went home as confused as ever.
We were supposed to be going to a convention together in a couple of weeks but she has told me she can't afford to come over (this is after I'd already paid for the ticket). She has said she can't afford to come over now until August at the earliest. I asked if she'd like me to come over there and she just said "I suppose" so I've assumed not.
The last incident was a couple of weeks ago when she suddenly sent me yet another nasty email while I was at work. My mum had told me that morning she would have to have an operation so when I saw the email, I sent my girlfriend a message asking if it was another nasty one. I explained what was happening with my mum and I asked if we could discuss whatever was in the email another day. I asked her not to send me any more nasty messages. At which point she copied the email into a text and sent it to me that way. I told her that wasn't appreciated and that I'd specifically asked her not to send me any more as I had other things to worry about. She then started sending me more nasty texts and said my mum need an operation as 'karma'. At which point I told her not to text me again.
A day later she emailed me and said that now we had seen the ugly side of eachother (?) that we should try and 'row in the same direction together'. I think it was as close to an apology as I can expect right now. She then messaged me for a bit on Facebook and has since said she needs space to think about whether she still loves me. I told her that if she feels that way then perhaps we should call it a day. At first she she said she wanted a break in the relationship but she has since back-peddled and said she just wants space to think and 'work things through' to get things back to the start. She said she loves me but it is 'buried in there'.
And that's where I'm at now. Its now been two weeks. She occasionally comments on posts I've made on my Facebook page and - slightly bizarrely - sent my mum a 'get well soon' card, despite never having met her and apparently not really wanting to talk to me.
I've been trying to take all of this and put it down to her being upset about her gran dying but I'm at the point now where I'm wondering whether I'm doing the right thing in just waiting for her to resolve the problem. It's all very confusing. I've lost a lot of money and I'm half expecting to never hear from her again or to get another nasty email at some point.
I want to do the right thing and I don't want to hurt her by saying that we should perhaps call it a day. It feels like I may be kicking her while she's down if she's depressed and then I tell her that I think we should break up but I must admit that all the hateful messages I've been getting have made me feel pretty down.
Sorry this is a long post - its a bit hard to condense it down. I just wonder what people would do in my situation? I haven't messaged her for the two weeks as I've been hoping she will sort herself out.
- G
0
Comments
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You've said several times in that post that she's nasty to you and she really really sounds it.
Grief doesn't make you abusive. Run far, run fast xLittle Lowe born January 2014 at 36+6
Completed on house September 2013
Got Married April 20110 -
Sorry to be blunt but she's obviously got serious mental issues. You've only been with her six months, I'd get out now before she gets worse.0
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Shes sounds like a complete nut job, does she have mental health issues?
Reading your post I fail to see why you put up with her?Ignore reality.There's nothing you can do about it.
I have done reading too!
personally test's all her own finds0 -
She has serious mental health issues, you need to tell her to get help and then leave her be.
Good luck
Steph x0 -
How old are the pair of you? 13??
Why are you conducting a relationship almost entirely by text message?!Trying to be a man is a waste of a woman0 -
Surely you can see what you need to do?
Run, run fast. What are you actually getting out of this 'relationship'? I think you'd be a lot better off just cutting all contact.0 -
(((Hugs))) for being in such a difficult situation. Read your post and imagine it was your best mate writing the words. What would your advice be??
Good luck xx0 -
Time to call it a day on this relationship, and I think she needs to get in touch with her GP as she clearly has a lot on her mind that you cannot help her with.
Nobody behaves in that way if they are happy and feeling ok about things.
I have to use the word normal, but she is far from it at the moment and I think you are in for more heartache if you do not walk away now.
This is not grief that she is suffering, it is a full on mental breakdown, which may have nothing at all to do with her grandparent passing away.
For your own mental well being I suggest you walk away now before you really get hurt.
Been here for a long time and don't often post0 -
Stop running around after her. She's not worth it.:heartpuls Mrs Marleyboy :heartpuls
MSE: many of the benefits of a helpful family, without disadvantages like having to compete for the tv remote Proud Parents to an Aut-some son 0 -
My advice is end it with this aggressive, selfish, manic depressive woman. Then take a good amount of time out to be by yourself and decide on what you really want from your future. When you feel ready to, find someone who is easy going, great to be around, kind, loving, genuine and who would value you and treat you properly. Relationships should make you happy, not hurt you and having you walking on eggshells around someone, who leaves you not knowing where you are at.
OP my mantra in life is to surround myself with people who reflect the person I want to be. The ones you choose to have in your life and to be closest to you, should be those that you are most comfy to be around, can be completely yourself with, feel accepted by, who love and respect you - people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it.
Life is to short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you and leave you feeling as you do right now.The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.0
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