My partner is always in a bad mood with me so sad

sassyblue

Indo77 wrote: »

There is a major anti-men bias in this forum.

No there isn't.

There is an anti-bullying, anti-controlling partners 'bias' though.

It just so happens more women seem to post on here.

sassyblue

minnie123 wrote: »

I have tried talking before and it tends to make things worse I just dont want another row.

Sounds like he is a manipulative controlling bully who is grinding you down with his behaviour. Unless he can control his anger and threats this relationship is going nowhere.

What are you going to do about it?

I would suggest you lay it on the line, either he controls himself or this relationship is over. Watch out for him blaming you for everything, pretty sure it won't be his fault.

If you wish to spend your life being bullied by him, curtailing your social life just in case he's upset about it that's up to you but you will be miserable and your son will grow up thinking such behaviour is normal.

Sad to say l often find people who think the worst of their partners if they go out without each other are the ones who have been cheaters in the past.*


* I said 'often' not all.

j.e.j.

nzmegs wrote: »

This was designed to make sure you never go out again. Any sensible person would have texted or called you at some point in the evening to ask how long you would be.if he was really concerned for your safety.

He left it because if you stayed out longer he could justify being nastier.

He wanted you home because that is where he thinks you should be, he probably doesn't trust you and feels you don't deserve to enjoy yourself.

Now instead of talking to you about the issue he had with you going out he is punishing you in other ways. he doesn't actually care about the housework - it is just a weapon to use against you.

I think this sounds unnecessarily paranoid!
We don't know the OP or her OH.

It MAY be that he's too proud to say he was worried about her. Maybe he didn't want to text because he thought he'd 'look stupid'. (Not that he would, but he may be insecure)

How can any of us know whether he cares about the housework or not??

There's so much speculation going on on this thread.

The only thing that seems clear, imo, is that the two of them need to try and communicate more and try and get to the root of all this. They've got a child together, they should try and work out their differences for all three of them's sake.

ladyelegance77

tayforth wrote: »

I could have written that myself. Different timescales, but same story. I'm ending it this evening and I already feel a massive sense of relief.

The OP's partner is a nasty bully imho. The language she describes would set off major warning bells for me.

Wow really? I've discovered that so many people have been in similar relationships and left like I did. He got a girlfriend pretty much straight away whereas I'm quite happy being single, even 2 years down the line. To be honest, I haven't had any interest from men anyway and I never have, even when I was married, that does bother me slightly but oh well I just hope the OP does what's best for her and her child. That's the main thing. Let me know how it goes this evening when you tell them. I felt relief as well but I was shaking too. Makes you feel like a different person. And if I'm honest, me and my ex get on better now than when were married. I just need to get my flat sorted and then I'm outta this house. Hope it goes alright for you. PM me anytime

nerak_y

paulineb wrote: »

I understand, what I was trying to say is that when someone says something, it can be jumped on and before you know it something grows arms and legs. I think we need to be wary. And Im sorry for your experience.

Also, I do need to say, I think people in relationships share blame. And yes some people are just cruel and abusers but from my own personal experience looking back at one relationship where I was belittled to the point where I had absolutely nil self esteem, was I at fault as well? Yes I was.

Not just for not leaving, but its so easy to get to a point where you dont like someone, they dont like you and you act in ways that are really childish, giving people the silent treatment, screaming at people.

My last long term ex had mental health problems, Im sure of it, but nothing that would ever have been formally diagnosed. Ive worked with people with mental health issues, Ive experienced it in my own family. But when you are in a relationship with someone who views the world so differently to you, who is cold and indifferent, who does nothing but pick on you and wear you down. You dont always understand why that is. And I cant be 100 per cent sure, but sometimes people are the way they are for a multitude of different reasons. Family background, upbringing, depression. And I can look back and think I wish I had never met that person, but I also look back and think I could have dealt with certain situations differently.

Because when people say, my bf does this this and this, they dont tend to sit and think, what am I doing, what things am I bringing to this relationship or not as the case may be.
And that can be really hard to do, look and think, am I a pain in the proverbial, am I selfish, have I said and done things I regret in relationships.

And this is one incident in a 12 year long relationship. That might be otherwise very happy, or not. I dont like bullies either, Ive encountered enough of them in my life.

But withdrawing into yourself and not communicating is just another way of hurting someone, even if that is also self protection.

Its not healthy, not for the person concerned, not for the partner and not for the child. And if it has come to the point where communication has totally broken down then some decisions need to be made

1 Do I want to spend the rest of my life miserable
2 Do I want to try and fix things or at least try and meet the other person halfway
3 Do I want to leave or want them to go

Because I think many people, including myself have probably been in relationships that broke down maybe not very early on but a few years in and stayed in them way too long. Its a big chunk of your life to give up on and move on.

But if a relationship is making both parties thoroughly unhappy as I said before, some decisions need to be made about trying to sort things out.

Or at least if they are going to call it a day, move on with as least hurt on both sides and for the kids sake.

Loads of what PaulineB said in her last post resonates with me, I'm sure there was also an undiagnosed mental health issue involved with my ex too, and much as I tried to be understanding, I did go down the route of screaming back. Not proud of myself, but I did hit a point where I stopped and realised I didn't like who I was becoming and only I could stop the situation. I retreated into myself for a while, despite having the most wonderful supportive family. Then I seen the light and a massive web of lies on his part then came to light. So it is thankfully behind me, and I do take responsibility for what I went through. The awful lies he told were what kept me there.

Your post was very well put!! xx

BugglyB

paulineb wrote: »

I understand, what I was trying to say is that when someone says something, it can be jumped on and before you know it something grows arms and legs. I think we need to be wary. And Im sorry for your experience.

Also, I do need to say, I think people in relationships share blame. And yes some people are just cruel and abusers but from my own personal experience looking back at one relationship where I was belittled to the point where I had absolutely nil self esteem, was I at fault as well? Yes I was.

Not just for not leaving, but its so easy to get to a point where you dont like someone, they dont like you and you act in ways that are really childish, giving people the silent treatment, screaming at people.

My last long term ex had mental health problems, Im sure of it, but nothing that would ever have been formally diagnosed. Ive worked with people with mental health issues, Ive experienced it in my own family. But when you are in a relationship with someone who views the world so differently to you, who is cold and indifferent, who does nothing but pick on you and wear you down. You dont always understand why that is. And I cant be 100 per cent sure, but sometimes people are the way they are for a multitude of different reasons. Family background, upbringing, depression. And I can look back and think I wish I had never met that person, but I also look back and think I could have dealt with certain situations differently.

Because when people say, my bf does this this and this, they dont tend to sit and think, what am I doing, what things am I bringing to this relationship or not as the case may be.
And that can be really hard to do, look and think, am I a pain in the proverbial, am I selfish, have I said and done things I regret in relationships.

And this is one incident in a 12 year long relationship. That might be otherwise very happy, or not. I dont like bullies either, Ive encountered enough of them in my life.

But withdrawing into yourself and not communicating is just another way of hurting someone, even if that is also self protection.

Its not healthy, not for the person concerned, not for the partner and not for the child. And if it has come to the point where communication has totally broken down then some decisions need to be made

1 Do I want to spend the rest of my life miserable
2 Do I want to try and fix things or at least try and meet the other person halfway
3 Do I want to leave or want them to go

Because I think many people, including myself have probably been in relationships that broke down maybe not very early on but a few years in and stayed in them way too long. Its a big chunk of your life to give up on and move on.

But if a relationship is making both parties thoroughly unhappy as I said before, some decisions need to be made about trying to sort things out.

Or at least if they are going to call it a day, move on with as least hurt on both sides and for the kids sake.

Thats a really eloquent and well thought out post.

Yours too Bangton, thank you.

victory

Indo77 wrote: »

There is a major anti-men bias in this forum. The general way threads start are

OP: I hate my husband/BF. He did this/that. He never listens to me. He is the worst person on Planet Earth.

Reply1: Your Husband who I have never met in my life sounds like my husband/bf. Get out while you can...


Reply2: He is a ******* You deserve better

What always strikes me is the non-objective nature of the replies.
Whether they are male/female we don't know the facts.

We are only ever going to know one side, opinions deduced from a few paragraphs are always going to be difficult, the person who started the thread is asking for help, we try to give that but will never know the entire facts so we just have to assume, presume, work it out and give answers that will help...

For someone who needs to post, they are at a vulnerable stage, they are unhappy or suffering with depression or have few friends or relatives that live near by and are so confused over their situation they cannot see clearly and need an unbiased view, as best we can that is what the forum is for...

There are posters that come on here and immediately say 'leave him' 'what a ..... run for the hills' they always do and never take the time to read whether the relationship was always like that, there are kids, they have been together an age, there is an illness or depression or an underlying reason that now the relationship is not going as well as it was, so work out the problem and take it from there, throwing 1015/25 years of marriage away because of problems is a bit harsh...

Bazey

Your husband sounds like a d!ck, have you thought about leaving him... etc.

tayforth

ladyelegance77 wrote: »

Wow really? I've discovered that so many people have been in similar relationships and left like I did. He got a girlfriend pretty much straight away whereas I'm quite happy being single, even 2 years down the line. To be honest, I haven't had any interest from men anyway and I never have, even when I was married, that does bother me slightly but oh well I just hope the OP does what's best for her and her child. That's the main thing. Let me know how it goes this evening when you tell them. I felt relief as well but I was shaking too. Makes you feel like a different person. And if I'm honest, me and my ex get on better now than when were married. I just need to get my flat sorted and then I'm outta this house. Hope it goes alright for you. PM me anytime

Thanks so much. Don't want to hijack this thread, as I have a separate one, but it's much appreciated xxx

nerak_y wrote: »

Loads of what PaulineB said in her last post resonates with me, I'm sure there was also an undiagnosed mental health issue involved with my ex too, and much as I tried to be understanding, I did go down the route of screaming back. Not proud of myself, but I did hit a point where I stopped and realised I didn't like who I was becoming and only I could stop the situation. I retreated into myself for a while, despite having the most wonderful supportive family. Then I seen the light and a massive web of lies on his part then came to light. So it is thankfully behind me, and I do take responsibility for what I went through. The awful lies he told were what kept me there.

Your post was very well put!! xx

I could have written most of this x

iwb100

I think the trouble is that we don't know what is going on with the OP's husband. We've only had a one sided account and not his version.

He may well be a horrible bullying monster. But equally he might not be.

People are very quick to condemn a man but less so with a woman.

I think understanding what his issue is would be a start. Perhaps he's unhappy, perhaps he is having some sort of trauma or perhaps he feels insecure?