My partner is always in a bad mood with me so sad

dannidoes

iwb100 wrote: »

I think the trouble is that we don't know what is going on with the OP's husband. We've only had a one sided account and not his version.

He may well be a horrible bullying monster. But equally he might not be.

People are very quick to condemn a man but less so with a woman.

I think understanding what his issue is would be a start. Perhaps he's unhappy, perhaps he is having some sort of trauma or perhaps he feels insecure?

if op fell has done what she says then he is a nasty bully

Bangton

marisco wrote: »

You have got that spot on. No-one should be made to feel like that. If they do there is something seriously wrong in their relationship.

Proves my much earlier point really. I've managed to get this response when I've already made it clear I lead a very happy life with a very fulfilling relationship. Believe me there is nothing wrong with my relationship. .we merely hit a rocky patch. Does it matter to anyone that we have been together 12 years and 95 per cent has been amazing. Nope the focus is solely on the unhappy period we had. I wish I hadn't shared

minnie123

LannieDuck wrote: »

OP, it's quite difficult to judge how reasonable your night out was without some context.

Do you and OH both work full time, and about the same hours?
Yes we both work full time me 30hrs him 40 although I do the dropping & picking up from school so works out evenly
Do you and OH share the housework evenly? (From your replies, I'm guessing no) I do 90% of the housework and cooking and 100% of the clothes washing etc...
Do you and OH share the childcare evenly? (From your replies, I'm guessing no) I am with my son more than him
Do you and OH both have spare time to spend as you'd like? (From your replies, it sounds like he gets to go to the gym regularly - do you have similar hobbies that you do? Does he ever check that you're ok to babysit before he goes off to the gym?) No he never checks whereas if I do anything eg pop to town I will take my son with me or ask if its ok to leave him with him

I'm guessing some of the answers to my questions above, but it sounds to me like he's taking you for a bit of a mug.

I think it would have been polite for you to let him know by text when you decided to stay out later than you'd planned, but he was totally unreasonable in his reaction to you staying out late. Shaking with rage is never acceptable. Threats to 'deal with you later' are never acceptable.

Shaking with rage and dealing with me later were the exact terms he used.

minnie123

LannieDuck wrote: »

Dad walked out before son woke up, and just assumed that OP didn't have plans that day.

I agree with you that this is comes down to communication problems. I just don't like the idea that Mum has to give Dad advance notice for 'childminding' (does that term even apply to your own children?), but Dad doesn't have to give Mum similar notice.

I 100% agree with this he is our responsibilty not just mine.

justme111

Tx for sharing bangton , your case is a good illustration to the statements that relationship requires work and hope for others that rough patch can be dealt with. I can understand other people's statements as well though as sometimes one been hurt before and it is far more controlled and less risky to just say "tx but no tx". Few people can be strong and self aware enough to be able to see themselves in third person and change both themselves and relationship so for most I guess high way is an answer , it is far less emotionally taxing ..
Besides we are often not very forgiving of another person and once they done something that repulsed us we planely do not wish to work on anything with them.

coolcait

Bangton wrote: »

He's probably said something everyone would jump on to be fair. As have I.

And yes, in the past he has made me sad everyday because we've hit on bad times during our relationship. Times we struggled to get past. He was signed off work with depression at one stage and when I used to come home from work, I'd put my hand on the door handle and take a deep breath knowing and anticipating a row was about to ensue. Therein lay half our problems though, I expected a row and what happened? I got one because I was already moody and ready for one! I was just as much to blame and have been at other times in the relationship.

I could have left, heck I wanted to at one stage because it was our first bad patch and I just didn't know how to solve it having never lived through it before. I didn't leave though and boy am I glad I didn't

Mostly, our communication is good but we still have times 12 years on where we won't speak up and tell each other we are a pain in the a*** so it escalates into a war! Not often mind.

I guess what I'm trying to say in all this is yes, we could all get up and leave every time our partner insults us but is that actually what the OP wants to do? Or should we be encouraging discussion and trying to get the bottom of it all. If she wants to leave no problem at all but frankly I'm shocked that everyone's partners appear to be either abusive or super lovely with no in between!

Tropez wrote: »

You're absolutely right, advice doesn't always need to be leave him.

However, we can only go on what we've been told and our own subjective opinions on that information. In this instance, the OP has said, clearly, that she is unhappy the vast majority of the time and the fact is, whether she has reason to or not, she does feel controlled and feels that her OH pressures her and tries to exert control upon her.

And that is what is important. The OP's OH could be a model citizen but if the OP is feeling all of these negative emotions then that relationship, at this moment in time, is not suitable for her in my opinion.

Someone else said that during their relationship at one point they were afraid of opening the door when coming home from work because they believed a row was about to ensue, but they are glad they didn't leave their OH - fair enough, it worked for them, but personally, I'd have ended that relationship because feeling constantly down, upset and that everything you do is going to lead to a row is something that life is too short to bother with as far as I'm concerned.

A good relationship may be worth fighting for, but it's never worth emotionally beating or killing yourself over.

And I say that as a man.

I've quoted both of these posts in full, and highlighted the parts which show differences in interpretation and/or attitudes.

Bangton made a statement, which I have highlighted in bold black font. She then qualified it with the statement which I have highlighted in bold blue font.

Tropez remembered and reiterated the bit in bold black font - it's highlighted the same way in his post. He would have taken a different approach to the situation. I've highlighted this in bold blue font.

Different folks, different strokes and all that.

For myself, I have noticed that if anyone is the family is feeling guilty about - for example - not doing housework/DIY, they are more likely to think that other people are having a dig at them. Even when they're not.

consultant31

minnie123 wrote: »

I 100% agree with this he is our responsibilty not just mine.

It is also your (both of you) responsibility to see that this little one is brought up in a happy home without all the shouting and drama. In my experience, shouting frightens children!

IMO you should either sort it out once and for all (by sitting down and discussing it like adults) or leave and make a peaceful and loving home for your son on your own.

LannieDuck

minnie123 wrote: »

Yes we both work full time me 30hrs him 40 although I do the dropping & picking up from school so works out evenly

I do 90% of the housework and cooking and 100% of the clothes washing etc...

I am with my son more than him

No he never checks whereas if I do anything eg pop to town I will take my son with me or ask if its ok to leave him with him

Shaking with rage and dealing with me later were the exact terms he used.

You both work full time, and you probably do more housework/childcare than he does. Why on earth should he get to go out more often socialising/doing hobbies than you do? And what makes him think he gets to shout at you when you do go out?

Why don't you start a wall calendar and mark on each time either of you has free time?

Bangton

coolcait wrote: »

I've quoted both of these posts in full, and highlighted the parts which show differences in interpretation and/or attitudes.

Bangton made a statement, which I have highlighted in bold black font. She then qualified it with the statement which I have highlighted in bold blue font.

Tropez remembered and reiterated the bit in bold black font - it's highlighted the same way in his post. He would have taken a different approach to the situation. I've highlighted this in bold blue font.

Different folks, different strokes and all that.

For myself, I have noticed that if anyone is the family is feeling guilty about - for example - not doing housework/DIY, they are more likely to think that other people are having a dig at them. Even when they're not.

Thanks for this post. Of course I made a different interpretation to tropez
I was living and still am living with the same man. I know what's gone on before and I know how he is now and all the amazing things he has done for me. We laugh together everyday and I'd rather spend time with him than anyone else. I always have felt like that bar one point. I'd hate to tell you what I've been like because equally you'd be telling him to go. .. get out! I'm not perfect and neither is he. Neither is Minnie and her partner. Too many forum users in my opinion say leave. . I'd leave it's not right. But why? Did minnie say she wanted to leave? She's been with this man 12 years and had a child with him. That's a long commitment and we can all sit behind a keyboard and say we'd leave but why aren't we looking at the times in our relationships where one/both of us hasn't been the best and sharing those experiences. .. how did we get through it? I'm sorry to insult anyone but there just aren't enough different views on here and when I've shared mine? Well, what a terrible fella I'm with eh. Not a chance. Life is too short but it isn't when you love someone and they have been your best friend for 12 years. People do stay and they ride these times out and are happier for it. that's all. Good luck Minnie whatever YOU decide you want x

Tropez

Bangton wrote: »

I'm sorry to insult anyone but there just aren't enough different views on here and when I've shared mine? Well, what a terrible fella I'm with eh. Not a chance. Life is too short but it isn't when you love someone and they have been your best friend for 12 years. People do stay and they ride these times out and are happier for it. that's all. Good luck Minnie whatever YOU decide you want x

You're misunderstanding what I'm saying. I have never said anything about your OH being a terrible fella or anything of the sort. What I have said and tried to highlight (and what coolcait also pointed out) is that we are individuals, with subjective opinions and reactions to events. You can place two people into an identical situation and you would have two distinct responses and courses of action.

We can therefore only be sure of what we would do in a situation. As I've said, in the situation you found yourself in, I would have left because that would be my individual response. It doesn't have to be anyone elses and it isn't an attack on you or your OH to say that, because I'm not placing myself in either of your shoes, I'm considering the same situation with myself and someone else instead.

And thus, when looking at the OPs post, I imagine that it was happening to me and I give my opinion based on that; based on what I know I would tolerate, and what I would not.

For example, let's deconstruct the first post a little - now obviously I'm male, so we'll either have to imagine that the genders are reversed in the first post, or that I'm gay, whichever works...

is always in a mood with something or me.

Not a good start. We all have occasional bad moods, and as much as we might try not to, it can sometimes result with us being short with those closest to us. It isn't particularly admirable but somewhat understandable. However, always in a mood indicates this isn't an occasional occurrence but a regular one and for me, I don't desire to be around someone who is always in a mood, nor would I expect someone to want to be around me if I were always in a mood.

I have to admit the house is a mess but I work full time and just wanted to chill and thought it can wait.

Understandable. She had a night letting her hair down, drank a bit too much, and put off the chores for a day. I can understand that. Unless the OP and her OH are big game hunters and there's loaded rifles and bear traps strewn about the house, a little bit of mess doesn't hurt anyone.

This morning he flies off the handle as we have no milk

Just over a week ago, after my partner and my mother collectively manage to cost me several thousand pounds, my microwave broke. Did I fly off the handle? Nope. I laughed, muttered "aww sh##" and ordered a new one. If I was with someone who flew off the handle over a lack of milk, I'd be pretty terrified of what would happen if something really bad happened, like a lack of bread, or worse, a snapped shoelace! I would also find it pretty ridiculous and struggle to have any respect for them.

he goes out to gets some now he is banging and crashing downstairs tidying to make a point.

That's what children do when you tell them to tidy their room - they do it, but as loudly as possible in order to make a point. I can deal with some immaturity in a relationship, but this? Admittedly, I probably wouldn't leave someone over that but it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

I am staying in the bedroom playing a game on my phone as I feel sick he is gonna shout at me

Feeling an unpleasant physical reaction and locking oneself away in a room through anxiety/fear of being yelled at is not a good sign. I would never want to feel like this and I would struggle to forgive anyone who ever made me feel like this.

he looks at me like I am something he found on his shoe.

This would not bode well either, from my perspective. I'd tell my boss where to shove his job if he looked at me in such a manner.

It seems every thins I do is wrong and I feel so sad

Once again, words indicating a pattern of repeat behaviour and a feeling of depression as a result. Honestly, I wouldn't stay in such a position.

Every time I do something for myself he makes me feel worthless

There's that word again along with the word "worthless" suggesting that he somehow punishes the OP for trying to do things to make herself happy. Once again, I wouldn't want someone to do that to me, regardless of how long we'd been together.

I woke up in a good mood I planned to have a cup of tea cuddle in bed with son get ready to go to park pop to shops then come home clean and make dinner and watch a film. Now I jst want to hide in here and I just feel like crying.

When I was 17, I made my partner at the time cry. We were having some row about something or other and she cried. It's the first time I'd seen her cry. I felt awful, I felt like the biggest piece of dirt on the planet for doing that to her.

That aside, she woke up in a good mood and because of the actions of her OH she'd done a complete 180. That's not good. Neither is wanting to hide away - yeesh, I couldn't bear to feel like I was trapped in one room of my house because of someone else and I would hate for my partner to ever feel that way too.

He does this nearly every day.

Which is far too often.

I want to go out and get away but i cant because we have a car and a he has a work van but the car is shared so he will be in a mood with me if I use the car

So she doesn't even feel like she can get away, once again, feeling trapped and imprisoned. Once again, if someone made me feel like that I'd be gone.

And importantly, this isn't a single one-off row, from how the OP describes it; it is a pattern of the OH doing things to make the OP feel depressed, trapped, imprisoned and worthless. Purely on a personal level, I'd be gone and this isn't even covering the alluded threats of physical violence ("deal with you later" and "good thing you weren't back earlier because I was shaking with rage") mentioned in later posts.

Now, because I'd be gone, it doesn't mean that everyone else would. It also doesn't mean that I'm criticising those that do stick around and work through their issues. All I can do is answer honestly, imagining myself in that situation and say that I don't think being regularly made to feel down by a partner is healthy and that escaping from the source of that depression would be my priority.

I can also understand that there is a possibility that the issue lies in how the OP is perceiving her OHs behaviour. Maybe what she describes as "flying off the handle" is in fact a slight but non-hostile "ahh !!!!!!", or maybe she's more delicate than most, and easier to upset - but regardless, the way she describes her feelings is indicative of someone who really needs some help and the easiest way to get that help would be, at the least, take a time-out from the relationship, collect herself, have some time to herself and think about what she wants to do. Maybe she does feel there's enough about the relationship to want to save it - it will be a lot easier to broach that with her OH if both parties have had time to mellow out and think rationally, rather than one feeling utterly awful on a near daily basis.