My partner is always in a bad mood with me so sad

tayforth

Tropez wrote: »

You're misunderstanding what I'm saying. I have never said anything about your OH being a terrible fella or anything of the sort. What I have said and tried to highlight (and what coolcait also pointed out) is that we are individuals, with subjective opinions and reactions to events. You can place two people into an identical situation and you would have two distinct responses and courses of action.

We can therefore only be sure of what we would do in a situation. As I've said, in the situation you found yourself in, I would have left because that would be my individual response. It doesn't have to be anyone elses and it isn't an attack on you or your OH to say that, because I'm not placing myself in either of your shoes, I'm considering the same situation with myself and someone else instead.

And thus, when looking at the OPs post, I imagine that it was happening to me and I give my opinion based on that; based on what I know I would tolerate, and what I would not.

For example, let's deconstruct the first post a little - now obviously I'm male, so we'll either have to imagine that the genders are reversed in the first post, or that I'm gay, whichever works...

Not a good start. We all have occasional bad moods, and as much as we might try not to, it can sometimes result with us being short with those closest to us. It isn't particularly admirable but somewhat understandable. However, always in a mood indicates this isn't an occasional occurrence but a regular one and for me, I don't desire to be around someone who is always in a mood, nor would I expect someone to want to be around me if I were always in a mood.

Understandable. She had a night letting her hair down, drank a bit too much, and put off the chores for a day. I can understand that. Unless the OP and her OH are big game hunters and there's loaded rifles and bear traps strewn about the house, a little bit of mess doesn't hurt anyone.

Just over a week ago, after my partner and my mother collectively manage to cost me several thousand pounds, my microwave broke. Did I fly off the handle? Nope. I laughed, muttered "aww sh##" and ordered a new one. If I was with someone who flew off the handle over a lack of milk, I'd be pretty terrified of what would happen if something really bad happened, like a lack of bread, or worse, a snapped shoelace! I would also find it pretty ridiculous and struggle to have any respect for them.

That's what children do when you tell them to tidy their room - they do it, but as loudly as possible in order to make a point. I can deal with some immaturity in a relationship, but this? Admittedly, I probably wouldn't leave someone over that but it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Feeling an unpleasant physical reaction and locking oneself away in a room through anxiety/fear of being yelled at is not a good sign. I would never want to feel like this and I would struggle to forgive anyone who ever made me feel like this.

This would not bode well either, from my perspective. I'd tell my boss where to shove his job if he looked at me in such a manner.

Once again, words indicating a pattern of repeat behaviour and a feeling of depression as a result. Honestly, I wouldn't stay in such a position.

There's that word again along with the word "worthless" suggesting that he somehow punishes the OP for trying to do things to make herself happy. Once again, I wouldn't want someone to do that to me, regardless of how long we'd been together.

When I was 17, I made my partner at the time cry. We were having some row about something or other and she cried. It's the first time I'd seen her cry. I felt awful, I felt like the biggest piece of dirt on the planet for doing that to her.

That aside, she woke up in a good mood and because of the actions of her OH she'd done a complete 180. That's not good. Neither is wanting to hide away - yeesh, I couldn't bear to feel like I was trapped in one room of my house because of someone else and I would hate for my partner to ever feel that way too.

Which is far too often.

So she doesn't even feel like she can get away, once again, feeling trapped and imprisoned. Once again, if someone made me feel like that I'd be gone.

And importantly, this isn't a single one-off row, from how the OP describes it; it is a pattern of the OH doing things to make the OP feel depressed, trapped, imprisoned and worthless. Purely on a personal level, I'd be gone and this isn't even covering the alluded threats of physical violence ("deal with you later" and "good thing you weren't back earlier because I was shaking with rage") mentioned in later posts.

Now, because I'd be gone, it doesn't mean that everyone else would. It also doesn't mean that I'm criticising those that do stick around and work through their issues. All I can do is answer honestly, imagining myself in that situation and say that I don't think being regularly made to feel down by a partner is healthy and that escaping from the source of that depression would be my priority.

I can also understand that there is a possibility that the issue lies in how the OP is perceiving her OHs behaviour. Maybe what she describes as "flying off the handle" is in fact a slight but non-hostile "ahh !!!!!!", or maybe she's more delicate than most, and easier to upset - but regardless, the way she describes her feelings is indicative of someone who really needs some help and the easiest way to get that help would be, at the least, take a time-out from the relationship, collect herself, have some time to herself and think about what she wants to do. Maybe she does feel there's enough about the relationship to want to save it - it will be a lot easier to broach that with her OH if both parties have had time to mellow out and think rationally, rather than one feeling utterly awful on a near daily basis.

I couldn't agree more.

You sound like a thoroughly decent guy.

Tropez

tayforth wrote: »

I couldn't agree more.

You sound like a thoroughly decent guy.

Thank you. I try to be, not convinced I'm always successful but I do try and make sure my partner is always looking forward to coming home.

Jox

How's OP, what's happened with your OH since the weekend?

There are so many women who have self-esteem issues, are frightened of standing up for themselves, who allow a partner to belittle them and make their lives awful....this can't go on.

Be strong, don't let another make you unhappy.

Talk to your OH, explain how you feel, what your boundaries are. Walk with your head high, if you don't want to tidy up then don't, don't be bullied or shamed into it, we are entitled to some down time as well!

Only we can make ourselves happy, we allow others' to treat us badly or otherwise.

I'm not in a perfect relationship, my OH is a strong guy who is from a patriarchal society but in our power struggle arguments I have to assert myself as I will not be told what to do, if he doesn't like it then ta-ta sadly...

teajug

Looking after one children is a labour of love. What is wrong with people to view looking after their offspring as work. Why do people have children and then moan about looking after them.

scooby088

OP getting in at 4am after being drunk I would be in a rage too, if my OH disrespected me that much, and the hangover was self inflicted and shouldn't get any sympathy. I would probably give my OH dirty looks if she had come in that late.

I think everyone involved is to blame not only your OH, you were probably feeling a bit guilty for coming home late and are you always on your phone? Are these feeling a recent thing? or have they built up over a period of years?

BugglyB

Really don't understand what all this anger about coming home at 4am is. I understand worry, but not anger.

I've been known to stay out til the following day. Is OH furious? No. I text him, or if I forget, he rings me, or one of my friends, and we reassure him I am safe, just out having fun.

Are we not adults?

victory

tropez excellent post

CC-Warrior

Without reading the whole thread, this just seems like a form of abuse. You don't have to take it.

FBaby

BugglyB wrote: »

Really don't understand what all this anger about coming home at 4am is. I understand worry, but not anger.

I've been known to stay out til the following day. Is OH furious? No. I text him, or if I forget, he rings me, or one of my friends, and we reassure him I am safe, just out having fun.

Are we not adults?

There is no wrong or right about it, there is understanding each other. One of my friends goes out regularly until late at night, coming home drunk, her husband doesn't mind at all and will happily picks her up. He doesn't need a lot of sleep and will make it up during the week-ends. They don't have children though.

I have very few times offered to pick up my partner, although certainly not at that time, and I did once pick him up at 1am when he was doing a charity bike ride, broke his bike and ended up freezing cold. Still he called me as a last resort and couldn't stop apologising.

It is all about the details of the circumstances. OP says it is only a rare occasion. A rare occasion to go out, get drunk and come back at 4am because she doesn't normally go out drinking with friends, or because she does so, but usually come back before 1am?

Was he cross because she was out that late and jealous of her having a good time, or because he was expecting her home at say 11pm, tried to call her on numerous occasions without a response and worried sick for 5 hours?

From my perspective, there would be a big difference between my partner telling me a week in advance that he was going to have a big night out, wouldn't know what time he would be home, that he might not be able to be reached because where he goes has no signal and not to worry and wait for him because he didn't know what time he would be back (even though he actually never said that!), and telling me he was out for a few pints, wouldn't be later than 11am and would make sure not to have too much to drink because we had plenty to do the following day, but then showing up wasted at 4am having waited in anxiety all that time.

That's the problem, we just don't know the context upon which the situation occurred, which is what would give perspective to whether OP's partner had a reason or not to be so angry.

Joons

BugglyB wrote: »

Really don't understand what all this anger about coming home at 4am is. I understand worry, but not anger.

I've been known to stay out til the following day. Is OH furious? No. I text him, or if I forget, he rings me, or one of my friends, and we reassure him I am safe, just out having fun.

Are we not adults?

I doubt it's only that which has made him angry though (not that I'm sticking up for him). If my partner went out and didn't come home until the following day, I'd be angry, why would you not go home to your own house and bed? And, in some cases it does mean the other person has been up to no good hence the reason they don't go home!

You're lucky that you don't even let him know and he has no problem with that and has to call you, I think that's a bit off personally.

We're all different I spose, what's right for one couple might not be for another.