My partner is always in a bad mood with me so sad

Bangton

Indo77 wrote: »

There is a major anti-men bias in this forum. The general way threads start are

OP: I hate my husband/BF. He did this/that. He never listens to me. He is the worst person on Planet Earth.

Reply1: Your Husband who I have never met in my life sounds like my husband/bf. Get out while you can...


Reply2: He is a ******* You deserve better

What always strikes me is the non-objective nature of the replies.
Whether they are male/female we don't know the facts.

I'm inclined to agree. .I worry a vulnerable person is told her bloke is abusive etc and subsequently believes it when It's probably not the case. I bet following a row I could post on here some of the things my partner has said to me and he'd be abusive. Likewise I bet he could! But the point is I live that relationship everyday of my life and know 100 per cent neither of us are abusive .. We care deeply for each other, we just aren't that kind when we are angry with one another. ( never physical i should point out! )Is anyone? If someone feels bad enough to post on a forum however, I do think they are struggling In their relationships. Why else would you post ? But I agree the advice doesn't always need to be leave him!

BugglyB

Bangton wrote: »

I'm inclined to agree. .I worry a vulnerable person is told her bloke is abusive etc and subsequently believes it when It's probably not the case. I bet following a row I could post on here some of the things my partner has said to me and he'd be abusive. Likewise I bet he could! But the point is I live that relationship everyday of my life and know 100 per cent neither of us are abusive .. We care deeply for each other, we just aren't that kind when we are angry with one another. ( never physical i should point out! )Is anyone? If someone feels bad enough to post on a forum however, I do think they are struggling In their relationships. Why else would you post ? But I agree the advice doesn't always need to be leave him!

I see your point but....Does your partner ever say to you, 'you're lucky you didn't get home an hour ago, I was shaking with rage'?

Are you always sad because your partner is always angry with you?

I know we only have the OPs version of events but thats all we ever have.

We don't preface every post with 'the advice I'm about to give is based on the assumption that what you've posted is real', thats kind of a given.

I'm definitely not anti men. Some of my best friends are men (haha). I think men are great. I just don't like bullies.

Mojisola

Indo77 wrote: »

There is a major anti-men bias in this forum.

I think that's probably because more women come on wanting to talk about their problems than men.

Where men do write about similar experiences, they get support.

paulineb_2

minnie123 wrote: »

I feel like im beyond talking I just feel like withdrawing into myself if that makes sense

If you do that do you think your relationship is ever going to improve?

There are 3 people in this situation, one a small child growing up in the middle of this tension.

Its not healthy. If you cant talk to him go and talk to someone trained and if your partner wont come with you go on your own, it might help you come to a decision about what to do next.

Just because someone was angry about something and goes to the gym doesnt mean they are a steroid user. Ive been known to get annoyed about stuff, people are human, I go to the gym frequently,the last thing I would do is take steroids.

I think unless the OP has clear evidence he is taking steroids then people should tread carefully, its quite a strong allegation to make.

And it doesnt really help the issue at hand, which is what positive moves the OP is going to take to try and either sort these issues out or move on and leave.

Do nothing and in 5 years time you'll still be sitting suffering and so will your partner.

Bangton

BugglyB wrote: »

I see your point but....Does your partner ever say to you, 'you're lucky you didn't get home an hour ago, I was shaking with rage'?

Are you always sad because your partner is always angry with you?

I know we only have the OPs version of events but thats all we ever have.

We don't preface every post with 'the advice I'm about to give is based on the assumption that what you've posted is real', thats kind of a given.

I'm definitely not anti men. Some of my best friends are men (haha). I think men are great. I just don't like bullies.

He's probably said something everyone would jump on to be fair. As have I.

And yes, in the past he has made me sad everyday because we've hit on bad times during our relationship. Times we struggled to get past. He was signed off work with depression at one stage and when I used to come home from work, I'd put my hand on the door handle and take a deep breath knowing and anticipating a row was about to ensue. Therein lay half our problems though, I expected a row and what happened? I got one because I was already moody and ready for one! I was just as much to blame and have been at other times in the relationship.

I could have left, heck I wanted to at one stage because it was our first bad patch and I just didn't know how to solve it having never lived through it before. I didn't leave though and boy am I glad I didn't

Mostly, our communication is good but we still have times 12 years on where we won't speak up and tell each other we are a pain in the a*** so it escalates into a war! Not often mind.

I guess what I'm trying to say in all this is yes, we could all get up and leave every time our partner insults us but is that actually what the OP wants to do? Or should we be encouraging discussion and trying to get the bottom of it all. If she wants to leave no problem at all but frankly I'm shocked that everyone's partners appear to be either abusive or super lovely with no in between!

nerak_y

paulineb wrote: »

Just because someone was angry about something and goes to the gym doesnt mean they are a steroid user. Ive been known to get annoyed about stuff, people are human, I go to the gym frequently,the last thing I would do is take steroids.

I think unless the OP has clear evidence he is taking steroids then people should tread carefully, its quite a strong allegation to make.

.

I didn't make any allegation, on the contrary I explained that it sounded like a similar situation I had endured, but wasn't necessarily the case here just potentially opening the OP's eyes to something that could be in the background. I'm certainly not here to man bash, I love men!! As a previous poster said though, I also don't like bullies. xx

nerak_y wrote: »

He sounds uncannily like my ex. Not saying this could be the case here at all, but i discovered he was using steroids which wasn't helping his aggressive nature. It just rang a bell then you mentioned he is a gym goer.

I hope you are OK, and I can assure you nobody should accept being spoken to this way, regardless of the situation. I am so glad I can breathe again and not walk on eggshells. Good luck and I hope this improves. xx

nzmegs

This was designed to make sure you never go out again. Any sensible person would have texted or called you at some point in the evening to ask how long you would be.if he was really concerned for your safety.

He left it because if you stayed out longer he could justify being nastier.

He wanted you home because that is where he thinks you should be, he probably doesn't trust you and feels you don't deserve to enjoy yourself.

Now instead of talking to you about the issue he had with you going out he is punishing you in other ways. he doesn't actually care about the housework - it is just a weapon to use against you.

the fact is that you can't win - he won't let you because his concerns will come first. your choices are stark - apologise and get it over with or think through your options and if you are willing to put up with this in the long term.

ladyelegance77

lI was in a relationship similar to yours, was married to my ex for 13 years, got married when I was 21(turned 36 on Friday) and he has OCD and was very controlling of me, he used mental abuse, and occasionally physical abuse to scare me and make me feel very low. I didn't have a very good support system, and was frightened to death of him till I metmy best friend 3 years ago on Facebook, she finally gave me the support and the courage to stand up to him. he used to compare me to other girls, saying how beautiful they were and how I should want to be more like them! Well I was crushed as you can expect, my therapist told me that when I did finally stand up to him, it would be hard for awhile, as everyone would be so used to be just giving in and letting him off the hook. What I'm trying to say is, I know it's draining and you don't stand up to him as to not make him more upset, but I must say there will come one day, and it will happen, where you can't do it anymore. You will find that strength to stand up and say no more. I'm happy I did it and looking back I don't know how I tolerated it from him. I also believe you learn from everyone in your life, good or bad, and this taught me what I don't need in a relationship. You have yourself and your son, you do have strength. PM me anytime you need advice, chat, rant, etc. I try to come on here as much as I can so will reply when I can. You have a good support system here and we want what's best for you and your child.

paulineb_2

nerak_y wrote: »

I didn't make any allegation, on the contrary I explained that it sounded like a similar situation I had endured, but wasn't necessarily the case here just potentially opening the OP's eyes to something that could be in the background. I'm certainly not here to man bash, I love men!! As a previous poster said though, I also don't like bullies. xx

I understand, what I was trying to say is that when someone says something, it can be jumped on and before you know it something grows arms and legs. I think we need to be wary. And Im sorry for your experience.

Also, I do need to say, I think people in relationships share blame. And yes some people are just cruel and abusers but from my own personal experience looking back at one relationship where I was belittled to the point where I had absolutely nil self esteem, was I at fault as well? Yes I was.

Not just for not leaving, but its so easy to get to a point where you dont like someone, they dont like you and you act in ways that are really childish, giving people the silent treatment, screaming at people.

My last long term ex had mental health problems, Im sure of it, but nothing that would ever have been formally diagnosed. Ive worked with people with mental health issues, Ive experienced it in my own family. But when you are in a relationship with someone who views the world so differently to you, who is cold and indifferent, who does nothing but pick on you and wear you down. You dont always understand why that is. And I cant be 100 per cent sure, but sometimes people are the way they are for a multitude of different reasons. Family background, upbringing, depression. And I can look back and think I wish I had never met that person, but I also look back and think I could have dealt with certain situations differently.

Because when people say, my bf does this this and this, they dont tend to sit and think, what am I doing, what things am I bringing to this relationship or not as the case may be.
And that can be really hard to do, look and think, am I a pain in the proverbial, am I selfish, have I said and done things I regret in relationships.

And this is one incident in a 12 year long relationship. That might be otherwise very happy, or not. I dont like bullies either, Ive encountered enough of them in my life.

But withdrawing into yourself and not communicating is just another way of hurting someone, even if that is also self protection.

Its not healthy, not for the person concerned, not for the partner and not for the child. And if it has come to the point where communication has totally broken down then some decisions need to be made

1 Do I want to spend the rest of my life miserable
2 Do I want to try and fix things or at least try and meet the other person halfway
3 Do I want to leave or want them to go

Because I think many people, including myself have probably been in relationships that broke down maybe not very early on but a few years in and stayed in them way too long. Its a big chunk of your life to give up on and move on.

But if a relationship is making both parties thoroughly unhappy as I said before, some decisions need to be made about trying to sort things out.

Or at least if they are going to call it a day, move on with as least hurt on both sides and for the kids sake.

tayforth

ladyelegance77 wrote: »

lI was in a relationship similar to yours, was married to my ex for 13 years, got married when I was 21(turned 36 on Friday) and he has OCD and was very controlling of me, he used mental abuse, and occasionally physical abuse to scare me and make me feel very low. I didn't have a very good support system, and was frightened to death of him till I metmy best friend 3 years ago on Facebook, she finally gave me the support and the courage to stand up to him. he used to compare me to other girls, saying how beautiful they were and how I should want to be more like them! Well I was crushed as you can expect, my therapist told me that when I did finally stand up to him, it would be hard for awhile, as everyone would be so used to be just giving in and letting him off the hook. What I'm trying to say is, I know it's draining and you don't stand up to him as to not make him more upset, but I must say there will come one day, and it will happen, where you can't do it anymore. You will find that strength to stand up and say no more. I'm happy I did it and looking back I don't know how I tolerated it from him. I also believe you learn from everyone in your life, good or bad, and this taught me what I don't need in a relationship. You have yourself and your son, you do have strength. PM me anytime you need advice, chat, rant, etc. I try to come on here as much as I can so will reply when I can. You have a good support system here and we want what's best for you and your child.

I could have written that myself. Different timescales, but same story. I'm ending it this evening and I already feel a massive sense of relief.

The OP's partner is a nasty bully imho. The language she describes would set off major warning bells for me.