Hypocritical, or just people, or somewhere in between or something else?

duchy

I have found that when I'm grieving -the last thing I can cope with is other people's grief. I don't have the emotional energy for it.

I do think "anything you need" meant emotionally and not DIY and I think they are wondering why you didn't reach out to them emotionally -as after all they had lost their son -and decided you needed your own space to grieve (after all most people with ASD do in general need more personal space than other people - so there may have already been that expectation there) and are now trying to rebuild contact .....never easy after a length of time.

I don't think they are scumbags ..... I do think they struggled too but are now rebuilding -as you are-and this is an outstretched hand. You seem to be lumping the entire family parents, siblings and partners all in one pile -maybe try and break it down. If the siblings weren't helpful then leave them for now and focus on if you want contact with your husband's parents as they were the ones who made contact.

Maybe reply with a short note letting them know where you are in your life-showing a positive side (as last time you had contact things were darker than they are now) and asking how they are doing too - and see how it goes. If it was a genuine effort at contact they will respond -and you can decide at your own pace how much contact you want -and set the pace...if they don't respond it was an empty gesture and you can let contact drop knowing you gave them a chance now the rawness of losing your husband isn't so strong and both you and they are stronger than you were.

fluffnutter

londonsurrey wrote: »

I have ASD, so sometimes don't think like everyone else.

I lost my husband very suddenly and violently, in his late 30s.
I was a wreck, and suffering from post traumatic stress, and in a really bad situation, mentally, emotionally, financially.

The in-laws repeatedly told me that they'd help however I needed them, then didn't, then vanished, saying they'd be "in touch". I didn't chase them, thinking they'd help when they had time, as I didn't want help unless it was freely offered.

Two years later, I received Christmas cards from one of them saying that they would "love to hear from me, when I was ready".

I'm really annoyed, is it seems to be trying to make out that I was the one broke their word about being "in touch".

My friend says other people wouldn't see it that way.

So my question is, how do you see it?

As you're on the autism spectrum, london, I guess you've a propensity to take things at face value.

'Love to hear from you, when you're ready' may well be just one of those things people say. Whilst you're interpreting it as 'they're waiting for me to be ready, i.e. I am the one who's the reason why contact ceased', they might simply feel it's a nice phrase without much inherent meaning. Social interaction is rife with these types of platitudes - they mean little themselves, they're simply to oil the wheels of communication. This type of language, along with stuff like small talk, can be difficult if you're ASD (as of course you know - sorry if I'm coming across as patronising).

I think the important thing is, for whatever reason, they've decided to try to reinvigorate the relationship which is a good thing, yes?

Really sorry to hear about your husband - how utterly awful.

duchy

I think the "when you're ready" was a clear acknowledgement that they want contact and would welcome it but understand it is at LS's pace and when SHE is ready and they are saying - we would love to hear from you but don't want to be pushy or make you feel pressured.

tayforth

My deepest sympathies to you. What a traumatic time you've had. I'm shocked that they haven't been in touch or supported you. People grieve in different ways, but I agree that they should have been there for you.

If you do still want a relationship with them, then that's understandable. But you're perfectly within your rights to bring up their behaviour and tell them that it upset you. Clear the air, so to speak xxx

duchy

tayforth wrote: »

My deepest sympathies to you. What a traumatic time you've had. I'm shocked that they haven't been in touch or supported you. People grieve in different ways, but I agree that they should have been there for you.

If you do still want a relationship with them, then that's understandable. But you're perfectly within your rights to bring up their behaviour and tell them that it upset you. Clear the air, so to speak xxx

Playing devil's advocate a bit but from the other side "They lost their son in tragic circumstances and his wife didn't keep in contact with them whilst they dealt with the shock and grief"

So although I think contact is a good thing-I honestly don't think you can chide parents for bad behaviour when they were grieving the loss of their son..... I think it has to be put down to People don't always act reasonably or sanely when grieving.................and move forward not back. Not much point in making contact if it just causes more upset and pain.

Person_one

duchy wrote: »

Playing devil's advocate a bit but from the other side "They lost their son in tragic circumstances and his wife didn't keep in contact with them whilst they dealt with the shock and grief"

Or, "They lost their son in awful circumstances and all his wife seemed to care about was getting her shelves put up."

Getting DIY sorted is easy, if there's nobody around who can do it themselves you get a man in for a few hours. I wouldn't get so worked up about DIY OP.

As you have ASD, maybe your reaction to the loss was very different from theirs and very different to what they would have expected, and they found that hard to cope with?

victory

Is your ASD exacting, do you take things literally and don't understand how it is that they actually 'never stayed in touch'?

The grieving process has stages but it is flooring, it comes on in waves, it floors you, it can leave you feeling breathless, on the floor unable to get up.... his parents would have experiencend emotions they didn't even know existed...

You would have been in need of support, counselling, someone to listen to you, to hear what you had to say but whilst a parent always hopes they die first, they have to not only grieve but deal with that as well.

Sometimes grieving is a very solitary, depressing, inner, ranting emotions that can only be dealt with independently, alone behind closed doors.

Their intention of 'keeping in touch' would have been genuine but could have been beyond their capabilities at that time.

That doesn't make them scumbags, it makes them wounded, in pain, humans that have been dealt a massive emotional situation that they never had a clue how to deal with.

You too, your pain would have been indiscribable , you wanted people around or at least them to uphold their promise and they never delivered.

victory

You need to , if possible to let go, all the negatives which there are millions of thoughts swimming around you against them, for you, the why's, the how could they? the 'right they have been like x y z I'm not letting them in now?

They are offering support, company, understanding, love, care, help, now, sure it should have been two years ago, they should have put you first a long while ago, they couldn't, they didn't, they should have done but now after the hell you have been in and the hell they have been in, maybe now it is time to open up to each other and see the future together with open communication and support

victory

I haven't voted in your poll because I don't think they are hypocriticial scumbags, that is awful and should be taken off the poll, they lost their son and it is not right to call them names...

The others no, what I reckon is now it is time to move forward, together

valk_scot

When I was in the middle of a tragic situation and people said "If there's anything I can do to help....." I didn't wait for them to come back with suggestions or further offers. I took the initiative and when I needed something (childcare, lift to hospital, someone to feed the cats or cut the grass or for a morning when I needed to get out the house) I would phone, say "You know you offered to help? Well, I could really do with..." and ask for the whatever. Not a single person said no and most of the time they said they were glad I'd phoned, they wanted to do something to help but didn't want to intrude.

So it's a two way street I think. People put the offer on the table, it's up to you as to whether you want to pick it up or not. But it was a one way situation. Your situation, OP, is a bit different in that there were many people affected at much the same level, losing a child is just as devastating as losing a spouse I would say. Can I ask if you were offering them any support during the same time, either emotionally or practically? Did you ever phone them and ask if you could help them out with anything, given that they're obviously a bit older than you? Because I don't see why anyone should be putting themselves or each other first in this sort of situation, you're all in this together. If you weren't keeping in contact with them I fail to see why the responsibility should all be on them to offer one way support to you.

(The only exception would be if you've got children, I do belive that they are less able to deal with the obvious impact of this sort of thing and less able to offer support.)