Hypocritical, or just people, or somewhere in between or something else?

londonsurrey

Thank you for posting all your points of view.

Dunroamin wrote: »

I wonder whether you and your in laws meant different things by "help"? Did they mean emotional support while you meant DIY?

I called my friend, with "He's dead". I was smeared with his blood from doing CPR on him, the paramedics were working on him, but I'd seen the light in his eyes go. She dropped everything, put her car together (she was repairing it when I called), and drove from the other side of London to get to me.

The in-laws were called too, appeared about 5 days later. They live 30-40 mins away. We talked. They offered to help.
The brothers did the bloke thing of wandering around the house and offering to do DIY. SIL #2 did her excited thing about the inquest.

My friend had told them that I was in no state to be left alone and she was going on holiday.

Despite repeated conversations and suggestions, they couldn't be pinned down on when they were able to help, for visiting me, for looking after the cats if she took me away, or anything, all conversations peppered with "Anything you need" and "We're here for you".

In the end, my friend installed me in the front seat of her car, squeezed her family in the back, and took me on holiday. Which was great for them, having a virtually continuous sobbing sound from the front seat (it was a driving holiday. LOL)

And thus was the pattern. They got in touch for updates, to offer more promises, and then that was it until the next update and offer of help.

There have been questions here about why I wasn't more specific - I was.

There have been questions here about why DIY - it was specifically offered.

There have been questions about how often we saw them - on average every three weeks. His brothers lived close together, so it made more sense for one brother to go over to his two brothers. My husband was a computer consultant, and helped them with their tech stuff. He hated DIY.

I wouldn't have minded. I didn't expect any help. It was just that the continuously being let down with more false promises at the worst point of my life was definitely something I didn't need, and I don't see what purpose it serves except for them to be able to say that they offered to help.

It's a pity I can't insert another poll in here. Out of curiosity, how many of you would:

- offer sympathy, but you have a hectic life, so don't offer to help, as it would be silly to offer help if you can't

- offer help and actually help

- offer help and understand it as a variation of sympathy and family support and togetherness, and realise that actually helping is not that important

starrybee

I haven't read all the posts, sorry if this point has been made, but - I can see where you're coming from londonsurrey, two years is an awfully long time to keep their distance and then say 'when you're ready' as though you were the long to have lost the contact.

That being said - perhaps you said something in anger or grief that made them think you didn't want them around?

londonsurrey

starrybee wrote: »

I haven't read all the posts, sorry if this point has been made, but - I can see where you're coming from londonsurrey, two years is an awfully long time to keep their distance and then say 'when you're ready' as though you were the long to have lost the contact.

That being said - perhaps you said something in anger or grief that made them think you didn't want them around?

No, I just kept on thanking them. It began to feel like they were collecting "thank you"s!


Sorry, as a whimsical aside, there was an Enid Blyton story I read decades ago about a very rude boy who went around shouting "Yah Boo" (or suchlike) at everyone.

One day, he walked past a beggar, and shouted at him. The beggar got so angry that his hand shook, and he dropped his collection bowl.

Unbeknownst to the boy, the beggar was actually a wizard who was collecting Kind Words and Nice Smiles for magic spells, and when he dropped the bowl, all the magical Words and Smiles spilt into the gutter.

Basically, he made the little boy regret it. End of story.

But the reason why I bring this up is because I was quite enchanted by the concept of collecting these nebulous things as tangible items, and then one day, it began to feel like the in-laws were just collecting "Thank you"s, as there didn't seem to be any other point to be continuously and kindly promising me all kinds of things for the sake of it!

ognum

OP you really have had a tough time, you don't need me to tell you that! I wonder if you have considered some type of talking therapy to help you talk through things.

You may well find it gives you hope, support, reflection and some peace, think about it!

Person_one

I would just ignore any further communication from your in-laws, for everybody's sake.

You are extremely angry at them, rightly or wrongly, and contact wouldn't do anybody any good.

lostinrates

I think sometimes people just underdeliver. There can be many reasons, business, their own embarrassment and grief, discomfort, or just not having enough hours in the day. (Which seems worse when combined with any low feelings which the death of a family member might contribute to). A lot of the things people say, wrongly, are a large percentage of social nicety, (which I think might be harder for someone on the spectrum to appreciate?, I am always wary of this sort of suggestion because I don't know much about it). I think it's entirely possible for their intentions to be only good but just not follow through on them. It's not ideal, and hard for anyone to understand, but I do think you have to come to terms with it some how, because the frustration over it will just add to your burden.

londonsurrey

marisco wrote: »

Normally I would say that communciation is a two way street and that each individual is responsible for keeping in touch with another.

However you were widowed in what sounds like horrendous circumstances. This naturally left you devestated and vulnerable and in a fragile condition mentally, emotionally and financially. Added to that you suffered from post traumatic stress too.

If a close member of my family unit, or to be honest even just a friend, were to go through what you did I would be by their side whenever they needed me without question. They could contact me day or night and I would want to help and support them. Sometimes you really have to step up to the mark in life and help someone you love and care for through very difficult times in their lives.

To promise to be there, then vanish with a shallow 'we will be in touch' without any intention to really follow through with that, smacks of being very selfish and shallow. I too would have been saddened and disappointed to recieve a card from such people, a long time after their last contact, suggesting 'I could contact them when I was ready'. That deflects their lack of care and consideration for you straight back on to you and is rather insulting in my personal opinion.

Thank you. You've summarised it exactly how my friend explained it to the bewildered me, and I agree with this. I wanted to get a sense of how society in general sees them.

It's throwing me somewhat, that shallow behaviour is not only so widely seen as not only normal and desirable, but going by the poll, actually desirable by somewhere between 30-60% of people.

j.e.j.

Spendless wrote: »

What was your relationship like with them before your husband died?

I think this is a valid point. LS I vaguely remember reading on here you don't have much contact with your own family, for reasons we don't need to go into here. (Correct me if I'm wrong!) Before you lost your husband were his family supportive towards you? Were you close to them?

What a brilliant friend you have, btw! Often it's friends who come to our rescue more than relatives.

Dunroamin

londonsurrey wrote: »

Thank you for posting all your points of view.



I called my friend, with "He's dead". I was smeared with his blood from doing CPR on him, the paramedics were working on him, but I'd seen the light in his eyes go. She dropped everything, put her car together (she was repairing it when I called), and drove from the other side of London to get to me.

The in-laws were called too, appeared about 5 days later. They live 30-40 mins away. We talked. They offered to help.
The brothers did the bloke thing of wandering around the house and offering to do DIY. SIL #2 did her excited thing about the inquest.

My friend had told them that I was in no state to be left alone and she was going on holiday.

Despite repeated conversations and suggestions, they couldn't be pinned down on when they were able to help, for visiting me, for looking after the cats if she took me away, or anything, all conversations peppered with "Anything you need" and "We're here for you".

In the end, my friend installed me in the front seat of her car, squeezed her family in the back, and took me on holiday. Which was great for them, having a virtually continuous sobbing sound from the front seat (it was a driving holiday. LOL)

And thus was the pattern. They got in touch for updates, to offer more promises, and then that was it until the next update and offer of help.

There have been questions here about why I wasn't more specific - I was.

There have been questions here about why DIY - it was specifically offered.

There have been questions about how often we saw them - on average every three weeks. His brothers lived close together, so it made more sense for one brother to go over to his two brothers. My husband was a computer consultant, and helped them with their tech stuff. He hated DIY.

I wouldn't have minded. I didn't expect any help. It was just that the continuously being let down with more false promises at the worst point of my life was definitely something I didn't need, and I don't see what purpose it serves except for them to be able to say that they offered to help.

It's a pity I can't insert another poll in here. Out of curiosity, how many of you would:

- offer sympathy, but you have a hectic life, so don't offer to help, as it would be silly to offer help if you can't

- offer help and actually help

- offer help and understand it as a variation of sympathy and family support and togetherness, and realise that actually helping is not that important

I don't think that you can really compare your friend's reactions with your husband's family's as she didn't have her own grief to deal with in the way that they did. You could equally say that you didn't go and see them for five days and you didn't bundle them up and take them away on holiday with you.

It sounds a horrendous situation for all of you and it's a shame it hasn't meant a coming together from both sides. I'm so sorry that you've all had to go through this.

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

Thank you. You've summarised it exactly how my friend explained it to the bewildered me, and I agree with this. I wanted to get a sense of how society in general sees them.

It's throwing me somewhat, that shallow behaviour is not only so widely seen as not only normal and desirable, but going by the poll, actually desirable by somewhere between 30-60% of people.

I do not agree that this is shallow behaviour so do not accept that it is widely seen as normal and desirable to be shallow.

I would be there like a shot if someone asked me, be it family or friend or even a stranger.

However we are all different and cope differently with things, so to judge them so harshly is not fair IMO.