Hypocritical, or just people, or somewhere in between or something else?

ognum

Firstly I would like to say I am sorry for your loss and the difficult time you have clearly had over the last few years.

I would be interested in the relationship you had with your husbands family when he was alive. Did you communicate well with them then or did your late husband keep the communication links going?

Grief effects us all differently, but it does effect everyone, so all your husbands family have been grieving and often after bereavement people don't know what to say so they follow the line of saying nothing believing you will contact them and they don't want to make it worse for you or them.

You do not talk about your own family where have they been during this stressful time. Could they have helped with the issues you have to deal with.

You have two ways to go now, you either try to open up the lines of communication, not wait for them to contact you but get on and get into regular communication with your in-laws or you move on and accept they were your late husbands family not yours.

Only you can decide.

meritaten

LS - for whatever reason - they want to keep in touch with you. It is down to YOU how much contact you have with them. I understand you felt let down - but, to be honest, Its just one of those things that people 'say' at times of crisis. they may mean it at the time, but I have learned not to rely on it. Don't stress over it - just decide whether you want contact with them or not. ASD thinking hun! or put them on Christmas card list and forget about them for 11 months of the year.

TeamLowe

Whilst they've done wrong it doesn't sound like it was out of malice or uncaring

To be honest I think they're just being people. Me and DH would do anything for anyone but we do need to be poked into action as we're terrible procrastinators.

I hope that in your heart you can say 'if I picked up the phone now, they would take the time to hear all I have to say and be a shoulder to cry on'. If so, then I'd forgive them their failings in a tough time.

krustylouise

Firstly I want to say how very sorry I am to hear about your husband. What you went through just have been destroying.

My thoughts on your in laws are that they may possibly have been trying to cope their own way, don't forget they must have been grieving too.

Dunroamin

I wonder whether you and your in laws meant different things by "help"? Did they mean emotional support while you meant DIY?

pigpen

I would think to hell with them and that I had got through an insanely difficult time in my life and they walked away and left me to it so bollards to them and I would throw the cards etc in the bin and not respond but growl about it periodically in my head.

I would be really angry with them and it would take me a long time to focus that to a positive outcome but I would never have any relationship with them.

Dunroamin

pigpen wrote: »

I would think to hell with them and that I had got through an insanely difficult time in my life and they walked away and left me to it so bollards to them and I would throw the cards etc in the bin and not respond but growl about it periodically in my head.

I would be really angry with them and it would take me a long time to focus that to a positive outcome but I would never have any relationship with them.

Do you ever have any sympathy for anyone except yourself?

pigpen

Why would they deserve sympathy .. their loss is as terrible as the OPs, they had each other she had no one yet they walked away.. Their loss gets sympathy and does not excuse their behaviour.

To walk away from someone in their time of need is despicable and low .. they knew how she felt they felt the same yet they chose to ignore her.

They wouldn't get a second chance to hurt me in that manner.. it is self preservation and nothing to do with sympathy.

Why would I need sympathy for myself? Is there something in my life which requires it? When we have lost loved ones in our family we have embraced each other and the outlaws, inlaws, friends from all over the world sometimes but we have got through it together. We would never dump the one person who mattered greatly to our lost relative.. even if that meant trips to other countries and paying for them to come over here, which is what happened with my uncles partner when he died.

Spendless

What was your relationship like with them before your husband died?

marisco_2

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

But they were grieving as well and everyone has a different way of coping.

They may have felt that their grieving might have made her feel even worse, or perhaps they could not cope themselves.

You raise some good points there and I see where you are coming from. People do handle the grieving process in all kinds of ways. I have lost many people, who I was extremely close to, over the years. For me the way to cope and pull through it was to be close to and help others around me who were suffering and struggling with the loss as well.

There were times when I found this very hard as my own grief could feel like it was overwhelming me. I have the kind of bond with people around me, where I could be honest with them about this and they respected that for a day or so I needed some support too. Loss and grief and how you deal with it as a family is all about give and take. In the OPs situation it sounds like there was no communication in this way and she was left not feeling able to rely on these relatives. That is a very lonely place to be in.