Hypocritical, or just people, or somewhere in between or something else?

londonsurrey

Dunroamin wrote: »

I don't think that you can really compare your friend's reactions with your husband's family's as she didn't have her own grief to deal with in the way that they did. You could equally say that you didn't go and see them for five days and you didn't bundle them up and take them away on holiday with you.

Granted, although the holiday point is bit moot as it was my friend taking me on holiday with her, not a question of the in-laws or me taking each other on holiday.

The point is that I didn't repeatedly and insistently tell them that I'd help them in anything they wanted and agree to do things with "Yes, I'll be in touch".

coinxoperated

It depends what having a relationship with them will give you.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer when I was 15. 3 months later she died. Aunties and uncles (my mum had a lot of siblings) all crawled out of the woodwork. Ill never forget my aunty spending about 2k on a massive memorial sign saying sister when all we could afford was a proxy bouquet.
They all said they would help. Would support us. Be there for us.

The last time I spoke to the majority of them was the day my mum died, where I had to help my dad call round an tell everyone. Nobody offered any support for me and my sister. It was all so they 'looked' like they were caring considerate people. They aren't and weren't.

I'm now 23. Around 2 months ago my aunty had passed a message through another uncle that I hadn't bothered to contact her about it and she was available if I needed her.

Baring in mind she has my telephone numbers, email, address, she did this through my uncle so that I WOULDN'T take her offer up.

I would never contact a single one of them again. But that's because I know the type of people they are.

If you had a good relationship prior to why has happened, I would meet up and talk it out. If it's meant to continue it will. If it's not it'll fizzle x

londonsurrey

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I do not agree that this is shallow behaviour so do not accept that it is widely seen as normal and desirable to be shallow.

I would be there like a shot if someone asked me, be it family or friend or even a stranger.

However we are all different and cope differently with things, so to judge them so harshly is not fair IMO.

Could you please help me work out the wording that you find correctly descriptive?

Their behaviour is not shallow. It is normal. They sound like people whose company you would seek.

londonsurrey

j.e.j. wrote: »

I think this is a valid point. LS I vaguely remember reading on here you don't have much contact with your own family, for reasons we don't need to go into here. (Correct me if I'm wrong!)

You are correct. Both my friend and therapist say that I just lucked out with my family and other things.

j.e.j. wrote: »

Before you lost your husband were his family supportive towards you? Were you close to them?

What a brilliant friend you have, btw! Often it's friends who come to our rescue more than relatives.

I thought we were close, having known them for nearly 20 years. But thinking back, I suppose I was supportive towards them, and they made lots of "nice" comments like the ones they made after the death, and I didn't really notice, so I just assumed that we cared for each other.

lostinrates

londonsurrey wrote: »

I thought we were close, having known them for nearly 20 years. But thinking back, I suppose I was supportive towards them, and they made lots of "nice" comments like the ones they made after the death, and I didn't really notice, so I just assumed that we cared for each other.

It's possible you are right.

I think it's more likely that while you are obviously appreciating how tragic this has been for you (undisputedly) they are focusing on the same for them. People 'star' in their own lives often and forget that in the theatre that is life our own subplots are us all just supporting actors. It's depressingly rare that people really put others needs first. And sometimes its right to centre oneself and put ones own needs first. For all we know they could have other stuff going on, marital problems, pressures of work, that they won't burden you with.

Dunroamin

londonsurrey wrote: »

Granted, although the holiday point is bit moot as it was my friend taking me on holiday with her, not a question of the in-laws or me taking each other on holiday.

The point is that I didn't repeatedly and insistently tell them that I'd help them in anything they wanted and agree to do things with "Yes, I'll be in touch".

I don't really want to argue you as you've been through so much and most of us here can have had little idea what this was like. However, it might be worth pointing out that they offered to help even if they didn't follow through and it sounds as if you didn't actually offer. Apologies if I've misunderstood what you meant.

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

Could you please help me work out the wording that you find correctly descriptive?

Their behaviour is not shallow. It is normal. They sound like people whose company you would seek.

Without knowing the reasons behind it it is hard to say.

C_Mababejive

A friend in need is a PITA. The human condition tends towards self preservation and selfishness.

londonsurrey

Dunroamin wrote: »

I don't really want to argue you as you've been through so much and most of us here can have had little idea what this was like. However, it might be worth pointing out that they offered to help even if they didn't follow through and it sounds as if you didn't actually offer. Apologies if I've misunderstood what you meant.

Yes, it's not what I meant.

I didn't mean "I'm so much nicer than them, I was so supportive after his death, and helped them so much"

I meant "It was a bad time. I did not go to them for help. It was they who kept on insisting they'd help with anything I wanted, which I was not expecting, going through things I needed help with and then not helping. What percentage of the population would thinks this is behaviour that is actually helpful to the person they keep on making the offers to, to repeatedly renege on promises of help?"

.
.

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

Yes, it's not what I meant.

I didn't mean "I'm so much nicer than them, I was so supportive after his death, and helped them so much"

I meant "It was a bad time. I did not go to them for help. It was they who kept on insisting they'd help with anything I wanted, which I was not expecting, going through things I needed help with and then not helping. What percentage of the population would thinks this is behaviour that is actually helpful to the person they keep on making the offers to, to repeatedly renege of promises of help?"

Perhaps on reflection they might have thought they were pushing themselves on you and took a step back waiting for you to go to them?