Hypocritical, or just people, or somewhere in between or something else?

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

It's harsh, but as you say, understandable.

The least I wanted was honesty. I wasn't asking to be invited, hurt to be forgotten for my first birthday alone and to not have my 40th acknowledged (we were the youngest couple, so had done the 40th birthday hoopla for the two brothers and their wives on their 40th birthdays). And that's another issue, which hurts, but I wasn't complaining about that, just the dashed hopes. I just wanted the minimum. It takes effort to offer help, to raise someone's hopes.

Surely it takes not that much to keep schtum, if you don't actually mean to support or help?

I do understand how you feel.

It might all of just been too much for them and sometimes we do not realise how much we can hurt other people.

Perhaps they could not face being honest with you as they did not want to upset you.

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

We do this all the time, life seems to get in the way.

I find that unless you pin people down to a specific date it just gets left.

This. And for reasons we rarely discuss with real life friends.

But I agree, Christmas and birthday was harsh and painful. Did your wonderful friend invite you?

londonsurrey

lostinrates wrote: »

This. And for reasons we rarely discuss with real life friends.

But I agree, Christmas and birthday was harsh and painful. Did your wonderful friend invite you?

She did, which is bittersweet. She's got a very crowded life, helping SEN children get to specialist schools and help, and digging desperate people out of scrapes (witness her reaction when I called, multiply that by dozens of needy people), as well as having an extended family, some with special needs. She's also very poor, but she took me out for my birthday and insisted on paying, and had me round for Christmas. She cleared her diary and managed to have me round at night for both days.

lostinrates

londonsurrey wrote: »

She did, which is bittersweet. She's got a very crowded life, helping SEN children get to specialist schools and help, and digging desperate people out of scrapes (witness her reaction when I called, multiply that by dozens of needy people), as well as having an extended family, some with special needs. She's also very poor, but she took me out for my birthday and insisted on paying, and had me round for Christmas. She cleared her diary and managed to have me round at night for both days.

What an absolute treasure.

squibbs25

Londonsurrey, I've pm'd you

heartbreak_star

Your friend is amazing what a gem!

HBS x

beckysbobbles1

I'm sorry I haven't read all of the replies or voted in the poll as it doesn't seem quite right.

However, I did want to comment from someone who has been in a slightly similar situation.

My husband completed suicide when he was 35 and I was 25. It was very unexpected and I was at a complete loss.

I actually received no support from my in-laws. I arranged the whole funeral, I paid for everything and have had little help at all.

At the time, I wanted to arrange everything as it kept me busy and they were dealing with grieving of their son, brother etc.

However, upon reflection I was furious at how they offered no help or support. Financially I was very surprised that the burden of cost stayed with me.

However, what I am trying to say is they also had to deal with the grief of losing someone they love. I hope at the time you had your friends and family around you for support.

If you feel you wish to move forward with your life and have no contact with them then I suggest you send them a card or letter simply explaining this.

But equally if you want to remain part of their lives then please be honest and say how upset you are with the lack of contact however you udnerstand they were also dealing with the death.

Best of luck.

ognum

OP I think your relationship with your in-laws is pretty disfunctional and is unlikely to change, just my opinion.

I think you should move on and try to make a life without them.

There is so much that goes through people minds when they grieve (both you and your husbands relatives). Sometimes you just need to move on and move forward if you can.

Expect nothing from them and they will not under deliver! make your own life without them!