Hypocritical, or just people, or somewhere in between or something else?

londonsurrey

I have ASD, so sometimes don't think like everyone else.

I lost my husband very suddenly and violently, in his late 30s.
I was a wreck, and suffering from post traumatic stress, and in a really bad situation, mentally, emotionally, financially.

The in-laws repeatedly told me that they'd help however I needed them, then didn't, then vanished, saying they'd be "in touch". I didn't chase them, thinking they'd help when they had time, as I didn't want help unless it was freely offered.

Two years later, I received Christmas cards from one of them saying that they would "love to hear from me, when I was ready".

I'm really annoyed, is it seems to be trying to make out that I was the one broke their word about being "in touch".

My friend says other people wouldn't see it that way.

So my question is, how do you see it?

Lagoon

I see it as they wanted you to know that they were there for you, but they were dealing with their own pain and didn't have the strength to be the one to initiate everything. They simply wanted you to know that they were there to talk to.

Now, they're feeling stronger and want to speak with you again, as you've all been through the pain and you're still family to them.

Sorry for your loss, btw.

Ich_2

As you state it, too many folk out there won't admit the truth and would rather blame the other party

balletshoes

my take on it is, they don't want to intrude, so they're leaving it up to you to contact them if you feel you want to.

londonsurrey

P.S. They were told of several things I wanted done, which is when they vanished, with three of them saying they'd "be in touch".

balletshoes

you should do what you feel is right for you Londonsurrey.

Bangton

I see it like you londonsurrey. I think they should have made the effort to help when they said they would bearing in mind how devastating it was for you. However, don't forget they would have been grieving too so maybe try not to hold it against them. So sorry to hear you lost your husband ... life is terribly unfair

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

P.S. They were told of several things I wanted done, which is when they vanished, with three of them saying they'd "be in touch".

Sorry but that is a bit vague.

What did you want them to do?

meritaten

LS - They have given you time to grieve and also THEY needed the time to grieve too. They feel its time to 'move on' and they don't want to lose contact with you - so have held out a hand. If you take it then they probably will see you as their 'link' to their son. If you don't then perhaps you will be seen as 'cutting ties' to their son.
You must do what you feel is best for you. Do you want to stay in contact and keep them in your life? or cut the ties and 'move on'?
there is a halfway - retain minimal contact (birthday and Christmas cards) which you may prefer.

londonsurrey

Bangton wrote: »

I see it like you londonsurrey. I think they should have made the effort to help when they said they would bearing in mind how devastating it was for you. However, don't forget they would have been grieving too so maybe try not to hold it against them. So sorry to hear you lost your husband ... life is terribly unfair

Some of them were grieving, but the first time SIL #2 saw me after his death, the one who likes identifying with officialdom (she's the English teacher who doesn't know how to use apostrophes), she happily and excitedly said "I've never been to an inquest before!".

marisco_2

Normally I would say that communciation is a two way street and that each individual is responsible for keeping in touch with another.

However you were widowed in what sounds like horrendous circumstances. This naturally left you devestated and vulnerable and in a fragile condition mentally, emotionally and financially. Added to that you suffered from post traumatic stress too.

If a close member of my family unit, or to be honest even just a friend, were to go through what you did I would be by their side whenever they needed me without question. They could contact me day or night and I would want to help and support them. Sometimes you really have to step up to the mark in life and help someone you love and care for through very difficult times in their lives.

To promise to be there, then vanish with a shallow 'we will be in touch' without any intention to really follow through with that, smacks of being very selfish and shallow. I too would have been saddened and disappointed to recieve a card from such people, a long time after their last contact, suggesting 'I could contact them when I was ready'. That deflects their lack of care and consideration for you straight back on to you and is rather insulting in my personal opinion.