Hypocritical, or just people, or somewhere in between or something else?

londonsurrey

C_Mababejive wrote: »

A friend in need is a PITA. The human condition tends towards self preservation and selfishness.

Yes, they can be, if they keep on calling you.

It's a bit unfair to label them a PITA if you're the one who keeps on calling them and telling them that you'll do anything to help them, and asking what they want you to do.

lostinrates

londonsurrey wrote: »

Yes, it's not what I meant.

I didn't mean "I'm so much nicer than them, I was so supportive after his death, and helped them so much"

I meant "It was a bad time. I did not go to them for help. It was they who kept on insisting they'd help with anything I wanted, which I was not expecting, going through things I needed help with and then not helping. What percentage of the population would thinks this is behaviour that is actually helpful to the person they keep on making the offers to, to repeatedly renege of promises of help?"

I think it's not helpful but understandable. Having been let down on the first offer, or first couple a good way to tackle it might have been to reasons to 'we'll be in touch'' with 'well, lets get something in the diary now, are you guys around next weekend, it would really help to get that DIY done, but I also really would like to see you too. '.. It's the sort of proactive response that is incredibly hard to do but also moves situations like this forward.

londonsurrey

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Perhaps on reflection they might have thought they were pushing themselves on you and took a step back waiting for you to go to them?

No, they kept calling, and saying that. I gratefully accepted. They said they'd be in touch. Then they'd call again, and offering. Again, I would accept, and thank them. Then they'd write, offering. I would accept, and thank them...

lostinrates

londonsurrey wrote: »

No, they kept calling, and saying that. I gratefully accepted. Then they'd call again, and offering. Again, I would accept, and thank them. Then they'd write, offering. I would accept, and thank them...

Tbh, this sounds like they really were making a bigger effort than I first read it. To keep calling shows they DO care about you, regardless of their failure to follow through with action yet.

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

No, they kept calling, and saying that. I gratefully accepted. They said they'd be in touch. Then they'd call again, and offering. Again, I would accept, and thank them. Then they'd write, offering. I would accept, and thank them...

Did you invite them to come around on a specific day?

londonsurrey

lostinrates wrote: »

Tbh, this sounds like they really were making a bigger effort than I first read it. To keep calling shows they DO care about you, regardless of their failure to follow through with action yet.

I suppose that this is where we differ. It felt as though they just wanted updates, and couldn't understand why the funeral date was so pushed back. (they were repeatedly told that the coroner hadn't released the body yet, but couldn't accept this as it was kept for quite a while).

The calls stopped after the funeral, and they didn't bother on my first Christmas alone or my first birthday alone(we'd spent the last two decades of Christmas with them), even though I made sure to continue sending cards for all of them and their children.

londonsurrey

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Did you invite them to come around on a specific day?

No. They were told that all days were good, with the exception of about 5% of days (specified dates), and they replied that they'd be in touch. Then there would be silence, until another offer.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's a bit like Chandler in "Friends", where he couldn't stop himself asking a girl when she could go out with him again, even when he was trying to break up with her.

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

I suppose that this is where we differ. It felt as though they just wanted updates, and couldn't understand why the funeral date was so pushed back. (they were repeatedly told that the coroner hadn't released the body yet, but couldn't accept this as it was kept for quite a while).

The calls stopped after the funeral, and they didn't bother on my first Christmas alone or my first birthday alone(we'd spent the last two decades of Christmas with them), even though I made sure to continue sending cards for all of them and their children.

That does seem harsh.

Perhaps having you there would have been too painful a reminder especially for the children.

Selfish but somewhat understandable to a degree.

POPPYOSCAR

londonsurrey wrote: »

No. They were told that all days were good, with the exception of about 5% of days (specified dates), and they replied that they'd be in touch. Then there would be silence, until another offer.

I'm beginning to wonder if it's a bit like Chandler in "Friends", where he couldn't stop himself asking a girl when she could go out with him again, even when he was trying to break up with her.

We do this all the time, life seems to get in the way.

I find that unless you pin people down to a specific date it just gets left.

londonsurrey

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

That does seem harsh.

Perhaps having you there would have been too painful a reminder especially for the children.

Selfish but somewhat understandable to a degree.

It's harsh, but as you say, understandable.

The least I wanted was honesty. I wasn't asking to be invited, hurt to be forgotten for my first birthday alone and to not have my 40th acknowledged (we were the youngest couple, so had done the 40th birthday hoopla for the two brothers and their wives on their 40th birthdays). And that's another issue, which hurts, but I wasn't complaining about that, just the dashed hopes. I just wanted the minimum. It takes effort to offer help, to raise someone's hopes.

Surely it takes not that much to keep schtum, if you don't actually mean to support or help?