Hypocritical, or just people, or somewhere in between or something else?

Person_one

londonsurrey wrote: »

Some of them were grieving, but the first time SIL #2 saw me after his death, the one who likes identifying with officialdom (she's the English teacher who doesn't know how to use apostrophes), she happily and excitedly said "I've never been to an inquest before!".

That doesn't mean she wasn't grieving for her brother. He was her brother, she'd either have to be a psychopath or have had an absolutely terrible relationship with him to not be grieving.

Bereavement does funny things to people, they don't always react to things exactly as you, or they, might expect.

Please give them the benefit of the doubt, you've all been through a lot.

elsien

londonsurrey wrote: »

she happily and excitedly said "I've never been to an inquest before!".

I say stupid things like that in difficult situations. For me it's a mask to cover what I'm really feeling because I don't want to break down. It probably comes across as inappropriately bright and breezy but it's my coping mechanism. Perhaps SIL is the same.

j.e.j.

londonsurrey wrote: »

I have ASD, so sometimes don't think like everyone else.

I lost my husband very suddenly and violently, in his late 30s.
I was a wreck, and suffering from post traumatic stress, and in a really bad situation, mentally, emotionally, financially.

The in-laws repeatedly told me that they'd help however I needed them, then didn't, then vanished, saying they'd be "in touch". I didn't chase them, thinking they'd help when they had time, as I didn't want help unless it was freely offered.

Two years later, I received Christmas cards from one of them saying that they would "love to hear from me, when I was ready".

I'm really annoyed, is it seems to be trying to make out that I was the one broke their word about being "in touch".

My friend says other people wouldn't see it that way.

So my question is, how do you see it?

It sounds to me like two lots of people, you and the in-laws, have lost a loved one, violently and suddenly. It must have been awful for everyone, perhaps you were both trying not to tread on each others toes too much at the time and neither side wanted to push the other with regards remaining in contact.

Also, bearing in mind a lot of people (my folks included!) just don't 'get' mental illness, and they phrase or word things in ways that can be quite annoying or hurtful. Is it the 'when you're ready' that's annoying you?

From what I can glean from this, I can't see any evil intent. Maybe they just would like to hear from you again, but were afraid to contact you before now?

POPPYOSCAR

marisco wrote: »

Normally I would say that communciation is a two way street and that each individual is responsible for keeping in touch with another.

However you were widowed in what sounds like horrendous circumstances. This naturally left you devestated and vulnerable and in a fragile condition mentally, emotionally and financially. Added to that you suffered from post traumatic stress too.

If a close member of my family unit, or to be honest even just a friend, were to go through what you did I would be by their side whenever they needed me without question. They could contact me day or night and I would want to help and support them. Sometimes you really have to step up to the mark in life and help someone you love and care for through very difficult times in their lives.

To promise to be there, then vanish with a shallow 'we will be in touch' without any intention to really follow through with that, smacks of being very selfish and shallow. I too would have been saddened and disappointed to recieve a card from such people, a long time after their last contact, suggesting 'I could contact them when I was ready'. That deflects their lack of care and consideration for you straight back on to you and is rather insulting in my personal opinion.

But they were grieving as well and everyone has a different way of coping.

They may have felt that their grieving might have made her feel even worse, or perhaps they could not cope themselves.

londonsurrey

j.e.j. wrote: »

Is it the 'when you're ready' that's annoying you?

Yes. They promised to help.
Then reneged, repeatedly.

Then when one of the two brothers saw me at the inquest over a year later, he also chatted to my friend, and he was shocked to hear how bad things were. So he agreed to help with a bit of DIY - 2-3 hours' work. He hugged me, and said "I'll be in touch".

He must have gone back and told everyone, and the two wives both emailed me, saying their respective husbands would be "in touch".

Then silence for over another two years.
Then the card, ironically telling me to be "in touch" "when you are ready".

So yes, it is like a bad joke, especially given their repeated choice of the words "in touch".

Person_one

Why did you never get in touch with them?

I'm a bit bothered by your use of the word 'scumbags' in your poll. These are people I presume your husband loved, and who loved him.

londonsurrey

Person_one wrote: »

Why did you never get in touch with them?

Why do you assume that?
I did, which is when they kept on taking the initiative to keep on telling me that they'd help, and asking me how I was.

POPPYOSCAR

It all boils down to if you want a relationship with them now.

If it were me, I would have to ask them why it had taken so long for them to be in touch when they promised you they would.

Otherwise, ignore them as you seem so angry with them.

mrcow

Sometimes, when you think it's everyone else at fault, you need to turn your focus inwardly and think, "Is it everyone else, or is it me?"

Look, you are either interested in having some sort of contact, or you're not. Who's to blame for what and trying to apportion that isn't going to help anyone in any way, shape or form.

Only you can answer the question on whether you'd like anything to do with them or not. It's not something that you have to rush into. And isn't something that you need to justify to anyone.

Ask yourself:

How would I feel if I never saw any of them again?
How would I feel if I saw one of them next month?
In six months?
Next year?

You'll find the answers you're looking for in time.

Bangton

londonsurrey wrote: »

Some of them were grieving, but the first time SIL #2 saw me after his death, the one who likes identifying with officialdom (she's the English teacher who doesn't know how to use apostrophes), she happily and excitedly said "I've never been to an inquest before!".

That would undoubtedly wind me up. If something happened to my partner I'd struggle to ever laugh again. It's a very private grief. His family had each other to lean on. Even if your family/friends were around you or not they wouldn't have shared the closeness you did with your husband. They left at a time you would have needed them just to share that grief. That said though as my sister and I made preparations for my dad s funeral we made jokes. .. it was either that or fall apart. I couldn't face falling apart as I genuinely didn't think I'd ever stop once the grief started. So perhaps it was just her way. It's easy for me to say this but I'd try and move past the anger if I wanted to be in touch with them even though I'm completely with you on this one