Daughter being bullied at school and via the internet

lostinrates

j.e.j. wrote: »

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I think there may be more going on here than meets the eye. The girls are bullying her on the internet, and telling her she smells. Has she actually got BO, or are they just being b*tchy little bullies?

This is highly possible, BUT, in a way it doesn't matter...the 'damage' is done in the poor girls eyes even if there is no smell. It's highlighted the issue that perhaps her current regime is not suitable even if its sufficient (mother watching, or inducing stress because she might now 'feel' unclean).

Learning how to take care of your adult woman's body is different to caring for your childhood one. Things like deodorant, possibly hair removal (if desired) and body moisturiser (most of us 'need' it on our legs at least at some point, its a habit to get into). Even learning to do things like breast examination.

balletshoes

j.e.j. wrote: »

I think there may be more going on here than meets the eye. The girls are bullying her on the internet, and telling her she smells.
Has she actually got BO, or are they just being b*tchy little bullies?

The OP in his first post said his daughter has a problem with BO, since she hit puberty. I took that to mean there is a problem, its not an imagined thing that the bullies have decided to use as a stick to beat her with.

OP I have a 12-year old who is going through puberty. If your daughter has a problem with BO, you've had lots of very useful information on laundry, bathing, deodorants etc, and in your shoes I'd be doing everything suggested to help her with her BO problem. It will help her self-confidence no end to be in control of it.

As she's not yet a teenager, my DD doesn't yet spend hours before school preening, as another poster has suggested is normal and not over-the-top. Who knows, maybe she will in future (she likes her bed too much in the mornings to get out of it before she has to right now).
She doesn't do her nails in the morning, she doesn't faff with her hair etc, she does that when she's got time on her hands and nowt else to do. She goes off to school looking presentable and clean, and there are very few girls in her year (or the couple above it) who come to school fully made-up with hair gleaming full of product.

OP your daughter may need to get up 15 minutes earlier in the mornings, have a shower and wash herself properly. Then wear clean cotton undies every day, clean shirts and clean jumpers (especially if they are man-made fibre, I agree with others they often trap odours for much longer than natural fibres, even if you wash them regularly). Get her into the routine of regularly washing her hair as well as the daily shower and clothes change. Help her to help herself.

I hope she's had a better day at school today.

Buttonmoons

I got bullied at school for being smelly - difference is, I was never taught to wash everyday and I didn't know what B.O was! Negligent mother....

Anyhoo, even these days Im still a bit of a sweaty betty, although I don't smell, mitchum roll on is what I use, all the other brands like dove,sure etc, just melt off within a couple of hours.

shays_mum

Really sorry to hear this, didn't want to read & run.
Would second going to school & local beat police, its harassment whatever way you look at it & needs sorting out now.
On a practical level, take her to gp as suggested for BO etc & also tell her to use medicated talc after antiperspirant deodorant, finds it really helps. If she gets sweaty during the day, a mini deodorant & some talc at school should help as well.
Hope things get sorted soon xx

CATS

Hi OP,

Is there anyway you could find out where the bullies live? do you know any of them or your daughter know where you can find them. Even if it is just one?

My nephew got into a bit of bother with some kids from his school a few months ago, not constant bulling as such but during a sleep over they started to randomly send messages to him threatening to beat him up and making up stories.

He called me in tears and didn't want to go back to school and his mum was really worried. My nephew and my son go to the same school and are in the same year, because my son is really popular I often have all of these boys in my house and I know a lot of their parents. I am one of them mums that is always around and everyone knows me at the school because I get really involved in my son's live and his friends

What I did was wait until the next day, got my nephew and went down to see one of the boys I knew best and his mum, needless to say he was soooo shocked, because 1) he didn't realise the boy was my nephew and 2) because I showed up at his front door with my sister and my nephew and showed his mum the message. She was furious, he was made to apologize to my nephew and I explained to him how lucky he was that I knew him because my sister was ready to call the police, and instead of me being there he would have had the police. I also took him with me, with his mum's permission and made him show me the houses of some of the other kids involved. I knew the addresses of some of the other boys, so we made the rounds and knocked on all the houses and talked to the kids and showed the parents the messages. They were shocked to see what their boys had been doing during their sleep over. I made it very clear that if it hadn't been me it would have been the police and that at the age of 13/14 they can be prosecuded (I dont know if that is the case or not he, he) They were all really scared and shocked, parents greateful

They all apologised to my nephew and the next day thanked my son for "his mum saving their backsides and stopping the police from coming around" my son had a good laugh at this

They are all good boys that got carried away and egged each other on to do and write stupid things. Now they know that if done to my nephew or son it will not be tolerated

Maybe you could try a similar approach. I wasn't rude or nasty, I smiled politely and explained in very caring terms that if they did this to other people the police are likely to get involved. I explained to the parents that it isnt very nice for children to be subjected to this treatment from other kids and that I was sure they were not aware so I just wanted to let them know what their kids are up to as "us parents should stick together to ensure all our boys safety"

FatVonD

She may need to get into the habit of applying anti perspirant as soon as possible after she has washed and dried. Both my son and myself have to do this because if we leave it half an hour we've already started sweating.

thorsoak

dori2o wrote: »

My eldest daughter is being bullied at school and via Facebook.

We only let her use facebook as her 2 best friends go to other schools now and it lets her keep in touch.

However, a couple of nighhts ago she came to me in tears and showed me the things people were writing on her 'wall' about her and the messages they were sending.

I have taken screen prints of whole conversations and my Wife has been into the school today and has shown them to the head of my daughters year as most of the messages were from kids who go to my daughters school.

She's going through puberty and is finding it hard, and is having problems with BO. This seems to be at least part of the cause of the bullying.

She isn't dirty, she has a wash every morning and night and a bath every 2-3 days, plus she showers at school after PE. She has deoderant (AP) and keeps a tin in her school bag so she can top up if needed. So she is doing everything she can.

I want to send copies of the screenshots I have taken to the kids parents to let them know what their darling children are upto on the internet and what they have been putting my daughter through at school.

I am sure I am not contraveining the Data Protection Act but the school have said that I would be. I work with the DPA daily so I am sure I am right.

What would other parents suggest?

As a parent of 4 children who have gone through puberty and now 3 teenage grandchildren, let me tell you one thing: she needs to wash her whole body ore regularly than you report she is doing at the moment.

She NEEDS to shower morning and evening - and she needs to wash her hair every two days. Deodorants only mask the scent of body odour - and can often make the person smell worse!

Of course clean underwear and clean socks/tights daily are a necessity - and clean shirt/teeshirt daily as well.

This is a routine which your family will need to adopt as all children reach the pre-pubescant stage - makes for a happier (and more fragrant ) home! Brothers and sisters can also make a sibling's life hell - announcing "so-and-so stinks"!

aileth

thorsoak wrote: »

She NEEDS to shower morning and evening - and she needs to wash her hair every two days. Deodorants only mask the scent of body odour - and can often make the person smell worse!

Totally agree about the masking. I would rather smell BO then BO covered up with something like lynx or impulse, good god. I don't know about anyone else but I have to wash my hair every day. If I don't, it looks like I haven't washed it in a week, but I suffer from excess sebum.

I really hope you get it sorted, because as someone who was bullied at school (not for BO, but for being a very oily teen and no idea how to control it) these sorts of things will make her feel worse than you can imagine. At one point my parents had to drag me into the car to go to school and lock it so I couldn't get out.

thorsoak

dori2o wrote: »

................It isn't practical at the moment to have a bath everyday and we don't have a shower. She has a full strip wash every morning and at night (on the nights she doesn't have a bath) with her Mum so we know she has one and doesn't just run the tap.

She uses 24 hours anit-persperant and tops up during the day.

She has a new school shirt on everyday, but she only has 2 school jumpers, owing to the fact they are almost £20 each. She has them on for 2 days max.

You can buy shower attachments which fix onto the taps - you'll find that less water is used than a bath, and it is the running water which helps to wash the bacteria/excretions from the skin.

She needs to sweat - but the anti-perspirants will not be sufficient to cover the smell - and quite frankly, if she is spraying herself during the day, then by the end of the day she will honk! The combination of deodorant and overactive sweat glands is horrendous - as the mothers of boys who go for Brut will testify!

lostinrates

I actually am a bit wary, even as someone who does sometimes shower twice a day, as suggesting that is normal....it's the opposite extreme. While I do it because I need to, I would caveat it can be very drying to the skin and if a teen girl is needing to do this to control BO in a normal lifestyle then I would certainly include a trip to the doctors to rule out any more sinister causes.