What would you do?

LittleMax

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

I find it really weird that anyone should think it's the OP who might "ruin" other people's lives / relationships / etc

The OP isn't proposing to cheat. Any ruination would be the consequences of that, not of her actions.

We can each only be responsible for our own actions. When considering our own action we should first consider the possible effects that our action may have. In this case it will cause an effect on at least 3 people. I believe it will almost certainly ruin their existing relationships. Their relationships are not ruined at present they are all 3 seemingly in a situation that they are each happy in. Whether that is because they are unaware of the full facts is irrelevant.

It is not for us to sit in moral judgement over others and decide what is right and wrong and what they should be told.

VestanPance

LittleMax wrote: »

We can each only be responsible for our own actions. When considering our own action we should first consider the possible effects that our action may have. In this case it will cause an effect on at least 3 people. I believe it will almost certainly ruin their existing relationships. Their relationships are not ruined at present they are all 3 seemingly in a situation that they are each happy in. Whether that is because they are unaware of the full facts is irrelevant.

It is not for us to sit in moral judgement over others and decide what is right and wrong and what they should be told.

The bolded statement voids the rest of your argument as far as I'm concerned.

LittleMax

VestanPance wrote: »

The bolded statement voids the rest of your argument as far as I'm concerned.

Well, clearly you would think that as you believe that the truth should be told to people regardless of the effects as they have a right to know and we have an obligation to let them know. I would tend to agree with that in situations where someone is asking questions and seeking the truth.

But this is about deciding to confront someone with information that they have not asked for. In that scenario you have to consider the effects before making the decision. It is not black and white truth over lies. You are not lying to someone by not telling them.

marisco_2

LittleMax wrote: »

We can each only be responsible for our own actions. When considering our own action we should first consider the possible effects that our action may have. In this case it will cause an effect on at least 3 people. I believe it will almost certainly ruin their existing relationships. Their relationships are not ruined at present they are all 3 seemingly in a situation that they are each happy in. Whether that is because they are unaware of the full facts is irrelevant.

Really? Rubbish

They are only happy because they are not aware of the truth, not inspite of it. So the fact that they are unaware of the full facts is very relevant. These people are living a lie of a life.

LEJC

marisco wrote: »

I am female. I dont see that gender comes into it at all to be honest.

Anyone with even a tiny smidgen of common sense would not make the life time commitment of marriage to someone who cheats on them.

It doesn't make any difference whether they be male of female.

Again I absolutely agree with you...but as is often the case with a "quote" you have taken only a portion of my original post and made a completely different interpretation of it

I have plenty of common sense and my post I believe was not actually questioning the commitment to marriage.

I wish the OP well,and hope that whatever way she takes her dilema forward,she becomes a stronger person as a result...

sportbeth

I was in this position a few years ago and I chose to tell the other woman's partner. I still maintain to this day that this was the right thing to do. Yes, it was partly for my own satisfaction and revenge, but also I felt that in a situation where 4 people's lives were affected, it was wrong for only 3 of those people to be able to make conscious decisions based on all the facts that were in front of them.

I have no idea what happened to the other couple but the husband thanked me very genuinely for telling him. I also told him I'd struggled whether to tell him or not. He said he was glad that I did

VestanPance

LittleMax wrote: »

Well, clearly you would think that as you believe that the truth should be told to people regardless of the effects as they have a right to know and we have an obligation to let them know. I would tend to agree with that in situations where someone is asking questions and seeking the truth.

But this is about deciding to confront someone with information that they have not asked for. In that scenario you have to consider the effects before making the decision. It is not black and white truth over lies. You are not lying to someone by not telling them.

Yes, you are lying by not telling them. You are covering your tracks, being deceitful. It's all a lie.

Someone can't ask a question that they don't know. That doesn't mean they shouldn't know. The telling is not the effect, the cheating is. If you don't want your partner to be hurt or possibly find out through a third party the solution is simple. Don't cheat in the first place.

marisco_2

It totally staggers me that people think that someone would be spiteful if they informed an innocent party of an affair. This way of thinking completely misses the point, that the spiteful one is the person cheating on and and betraying their partner. Logic would tell you that surely.

Lilacblue

This happened to me. A couple of years ago I found out that my long term partner, who worked abroad a lot, was living a whole secret life there. He had a string of girlfriends over a period of 18 months or so. After I found out he told me that 'all the blokes from the company do it'. One of these 'blokes' had a young wife at home who was pregnant with their first baby. I didn't know her. During my (probably quite obsessive) searches on the internet regarding my own ex I found photos and info regarding this man with his 'lady friend' (she was oblivious to being his bit on the side so she was posting stuff on facebook etc quite innocently!)I felt sick when I found out what this so-called family man was up to, and thought about how I would feel if I was his wife. In the end I didn't tell her, I suppose because I know she could have been distraught and I had no way of knowing what support network she had etc. But if I was in that position I would most definitely have wanted to know.

FatVonD

I would want to know and for that reason I'd tell him. He has the right to make an informed decision.

Don't expect him to necessarily believe you straight away, OP, and expect to be painted as a madwoman but he'll thank you in the end,