What would you do?

peachyprice

Person_one wrote: »

Just because not everybody realises it, doesn't mean its not true.

Oh dear. ..........

marisco_2

By not informing someone that their partner is having an affair you let them continue in a relationship that is based on lies.

Most affairs are discovered at some point or another. The longer the lies have gone on for and the more the relationship has progressed the more damage is caused to the couple, any children they have and their extended families.

When you split with a partner you dont only loose them, sadly you often loose contact with members of their family who you have very close, loving bonds with too. At a time when you are most vulnerable and upset the people who you would usually have turned to for help are no longer there. That is a horrendous thing to have happen to you and to try and cope with. I have faced this myself. It is heartbreaking that I am no longer in touch with nieces and nephews. Children I had spent alot of time with and built strong bonds with

My exs family pulled away from me at his insistance despite us having children together. Unfathomable to me but that was their decision. So it isn't only the adults who are effected by the consequences of affairs. Children lose out too when someone blows a family apart by doing this.

neverdespairgirl

LittleMax wrote: »

You make it sound like people who cheat on their partners set out looking for someone who they have an affair with and then they plot to keep it secret purely to hurt their respective partners. Well I hate to burst your black and white bubble but it doesn't work as simply as that. Hurting their partners is usually the last thing they would want to do.

Well, clearly not the last thing they would want to do, as it's one of the obvious things they are doing.

There is a rather useful idea in law that people are presumed to intend the likely consequences of their acts. So if (for example) you put a concrete block over a railway line, you are presumed to have intended to cause harm.

So if you shag around behind your partner's back, hurting them isn't the "last thing you would want to do", it's bloody obvious.

Deanied

Oh dear, I didn't mean to cause such a debate. People clearly have strong views each way. I'm going to go with the majority and tell him. It's what I felt was the right thing to do, but was put off by friends with the opposing opinion. Thanks everyone for your help, it's given me lots to think about before making a decision that I'm sure is the right thing for me to do in this situation. xx

Person_one

Deanied wrote: »

Oh dear, I didn't mean to cause such a debate. People clearly have strong views each way. I'm going to go with the majority and tell him. It's what I felt was the right thing to do, but was put off by friends with the opposing opinion. Thanks everyone for your help, it's given me lots to think about before making a decision that I'm sure is the right thing for me to do in this situation. xx

You're doing the right thing, well done.

sassyblue

Deanied wrote: »

Oh dear, I didn't mean to cause such a debate. People clearly have strong views each way. I'm going to go with the majority and tell him. It's what I felt was the right thing to do, but was put off by friends with the opposing opinion. Thanks everyone for your help, it's given me lots to think about before making a decision that I'm sure is the right thing for me to do in this situation. xx

Good for you, please let us know how you get on. I for on want to know if he really bought you were a bitter interfering old cow.

sharnad

I would want to know he may not but once he knows at least that gives your ex and the new woman a chance to make a proper go at things

VestanPance

LittleMax wrote: »

You make it sound like people who cheat on their partners set out looking for someone who they have an affair with and then they plot to keep it secret purely to hurt their respective partners. Well I hate to burst your black and white bubble but it doesn't work as simply as that. Hurting their partners is usually the last thing they would want to do. Things happen and situations get out of control, people are torn and don't know what to do. Sometimes they just need time to sort things out and do the right thing themselves ... and their 'right thing' might not be your 'right thing'. We do not have this right to meddle in people's live's just because you think they need to make decisions armed with the full facts.

What awful logic.

They have no 'right thing' as they promised to be faithful, therefore breaching that is the wrong thing. There is also no such thing as things getting out of control, unless you make the concious decision to do that. Thus it's not out of control, it's entirely within your control.

It's really the old have your cake and eat it clause. I'll stay in the safety of the relationship, while playing away. There is no excuse, none what so ever. If you are unhappy in a relationship work at it. or end it. It's obvious to anyone with a single brain cell that cheating on your partner will hurt them and let's be clear hiding that fact claiming to be doing them a favour as the truth will hurt them is nothing but an abuse. Not hurting them would not be cheating, not hiding cheating.

Cheats always go seeking excuses for their actions, because they need excuses, as what they are doing is from any moral stand point very wrong.

marisco_2

I question why anyone would want to have an affair. Those who get involved with someone who is willing to cheat are with a totally untrustworthy person who has no morals or values at all.

Those who cheat aren't good relationship type people. If they were they would value, love and respect their current partners. They wouldn't be the type that could go behind someones back and lie and betray without any conscience for what harm and devestation they could cause. So it is doubtful this coming together would ever lead to something worthwhile, long term or precious.

So is it the thrill and excitement that someone seeks? Is the possibility of being caught out part of the stimulus for doing something so cheap and vile? I doubt very much that the sexual experience is all that mind blowing and wonderful. To have an affair you are with someone, who lets be completely honest here, cant find it in them to improve things in their relationship with their current partner. They cant be bothered to talk things through and try and improve their sex lives. If you cant be honest with your long term partner over sexual issues and lovingly work things through your relationship is broken. This suggests to me that 'an affair' will be a selfish, self centred individual who wont care much to meet the needs emotionally, sexually or otherwise of another person. They will be out only to make sure their own needs are met. Great sex does not come about by being with someone like that.

Maybe it is just me but great sex comes from being with someone you have a total connection with. Someone you know inside out and love the bones of. Someone willing to be totally selfless and who you know that you can be adventurous and uninhibited with. It takes time to build that kind of relationship. You dont get that kind of closeness and intimacy from an affair.

At best you get a quick thrill, at worst you get one or more STDs. Totally awful and pointless :cool:

consultant31

marisco wrote: »

Maybe it is just me but great sex comes from being with someone you have a total connection with. Someone you know inside out and love the bones of. Someone willing to be totally selfless and who you know that you can be adventurous and uninhibited with. It takes time to build that kind of relationship. You dont get that kind of closeness and intimacy from an affair.

At best you get a quick thrill, at worst you get one or more STDs. Totally awful and pointless :cool:

Well put Marisco