FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

Everyone's finally gone. I'm going to bed, and am so grateful. I'll reply properly tomorrow xxx

mintymoneysaver

You did so well to get through that, Tay. Next week will be easier because it will be all about your sister ( not that tonight wasn't) and her preparations and her day. The telling your Mum he's not coming won't be easy, but the day itself will be okay. You will be so caught up in it all that you won't have time to think about him, and you can just enjoy being yourself.
The build up to a split is the worst part, and in a way you are still in the build up as there are still people to tell. One more week, and you can totally start your new life x

I had a girls' night out last night ( school reunion, 10 45 year olds!) and our lives are all so different now, but they all commented on how happy I look ( last one was last year, just after we'd split up) That last year I looked happy, but this year I looked positively glowing! The difference a year can make...and it will to you too xx Take care this week ( I found KALMS also helped!)

Eager_Elephant

Have been following for a while now and one thing that worries me is the fact he was in your house without you - can you check everything to make sure he has not put a hidden camera in the house so he can keep an eye on you?

It sounds far fetched but having worked with victims of domestic violence this is the sort of thing they did after splitting up previously and returning (before they left for good and came to a refuge).

So sorry you are stressed out and what a !!!!! he is being.

marisco_2

Morning all,

Hope you are okay tayforth. I wont be on here much today as off to a family get together a bit later. Get to meet my new baby niece. Cant wait for a few special cuddles, she is just 3 weeks old . Just checking in to see how you are though. Hope you got a good night sleep. Have a good day and catch up later.

mintymoneysaver

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.


Marisco, I just love your sig! So true...

tayforth

Good morning, and thanks for your lovely posts. I've been lying awake since 7:30, so much for a lie in. Perhaps it's just as well I have to get the train back, I'd fall asleep at the wheel if I had to drive!

Just looked up car rental - £100 is the cheapest I can find, plus I always buy separate damage waiver when renting a car, plus petrol. But I guess that it'll be worth it to know that I don't have to see or contact him.


One question: what do I do if he does drop the car key round this week? Use it? Or not? I've promised myself no contact, so even if he texts to say that he's dropping it round, I won't be replying.

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

You did so well to get through that, Tay. Next week will be easier because it will be all about your sister ( not that tonight wasn't) and her preparations and her day. The telling your Mum he's not coming won't be easy, but the day itself will be okay. You will be so caught up in it all that you won't have time to think about him, and you can just enjoy being yourself.
The build up to a split is the worst part, and in a way you are still in the build up as there are still people to tell. One more week, and you can totally start your new life x

I had a girls' night out last night ( school reunion, 10 45 year olds!) and our lives are all so different now, but they all commented on how happy I look ( last one was last year, just after we'd split up) That last year I looked happy, but this year I looked positively glowing! The difference a year can make...and it will to you too xx Take care this week ( I found KALMS also helped!)

I tend to agree, I think that next week will be easier. And I do intend to enjoy the wedding and forget about all of this. Plus I'll have my aunt here for moral support.

One more week!


How lovely that your school friends said that you were glowing, wow. Your new life is clearly agreeing with you, and your recent 'adventure' seems to have done you good

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

Have been following for a while now and one thing that worries me is the fact he was in your house without you - can you check everything to make sure he has not put a hidden camera in the house so he can keep an eye on you?

It sounds far fetched but having worked with victims of domestic violence this is the sort of thing they did after splitting up previously and returning (before they left for good and came to a refuge).

So sorry you are stressed out and what a !!!!! he is being.

Thank you. I hadn't even thought of this. How would I know? Could I ask someone else to check the house for me?

marisco wrote: »

Morning all,

Hope you are okay tayforth. I wont be on here much today as off to a family get together a bit later. Get to meet my new baby niece. Cant wait for a few special cuddles, she is just 3 weeks old . Just checking in to see how you are though. Hope you got a good night sleep. Have a good day and catch up later.

Awwwww, how sweet! Tiny babies are so cute. And it's very kind of you to check in here before you go, marisco. I appreciate it, really I do xxxx

tayforth

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own, no apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.


Marisco, I just love your sig! So true...

Me too! I've been thinking of framing it, it's absolutely brilliant and always makes me nod in agreement.

Eager_Elephant

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you. I hadn't even thought of this. How would I know? Could I ask someone else to check the house for me?

You would have to check everything - all furniture and pictures etc.

You would know because it would be a pin hole camera with wires coming out.

I know it sounds a pain but as you are having a tidy around anyway you will notice it if it is there.

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

Just looked up car rental - £100 is the cheapest I can find, plus I always buy separate damage waiver when renting a car, plus petrol. But I guess that it'll be worth it to know that I don't have to see or contact him.

I think this is a good option for more than one reason.

Firstly, it makes you entirely independent, not at all needing to liaise with him.

Secondly, and I recognise this is not going to be popular opinion, his behaviour prior to the break up not withstanding he has had less real warning that you over the break up. He left the house with little 'to do' which is good,but does mean he has been 'put out', and while he is messing about a bit since, even non a users can behave badly at the end of a relationship....I think it's understandable if not ideal.

That forth, your restraint and grace and consideration of others has been admirable, but I would like to suggest after the next week and the wedding you consider that this relationship has been one of control and manipulation, yet the breakup you have controlled, and now you are controlling the release of information etc. your mother is 'manipulating' with the suggestion it would have been easier for her had you come the night before etc etc... all of this is understandable, not 'evil' and I am not critiquing, I just suggest its Bourne in mind that 'control' and 'manipulation' and your reactions to it might be something you notice more in your life now you are alert to it, and it can be hard not to respond by becoming a controller and manipulator. (I speak as a control freak, who like many here had an abusive relationship in the past)

tayforth

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

You would have to check everything - all furniture and pictures etc.

You would know because it would be a pin hold camera with wires coming out.

I know it sounds a pain but as you are having a tidy around anyway you will notice it if it is there.

Ok. I'll do that. I'll have a really good look around when I'm tidying this week. Would it definitely have wires? And would he be able to access the footage remotely? He doesn't know yet that the locks have been changed, you see. Sorry to be thick.

lostinrates wrote: »

I think this is a good option for more than one reason.

Firstly, it makes you entirely independent, not at all needing to liaise with him.

Secondly, and I recognise this is not going to be popular opinion, his behaviour prior to the break up not withstanding he has had less real warning that you over the break up. He left the house with little 'to do' which is good,but does mean he has been 'put out', and while he is messing about a bit since, even non a users can behave badly at the end of a relationship....I think it's understandable if not ideal.

That forth, your restraint and grace and consideration of others has been admirable, but I would like to suggest after the next week and the wedding you consider that this relationship has been one of control and manipulation, yet the breakup you have controlled, and now you are controlling the release of information etc. your mother is 'manipulating' with the suggestion it would have been easier for her had you come the night before etc etc... all of this is understandable, not 'evil' and I am not critiquing, I just suggest its Bourne in mind that 'control' and 'manipulation' and your reactions to it might be something you notice more in your life now you are alert to it, and it can be hard not to respond by becoming a controller and manipulator. (I speak as a control freak, who like many here had an abusive relationship in the past)

Your post makes a lot of sense.


I know that my mum was being unfair to me, and I hope that all will become clear when I finally tell her. Manipulation is perhaps too strong a word, she's just all caught up in wedding stress I think.


As for me wanting to control the breakup, I only 'sprang it on him' because I was terrified of his reaction. He handled it calmly on the surface, but I wasn't to know that he would.


And believe me, there's nothing I want more than to be able to stop pretending that everything is fine. I'm 'controlling' the release of information because I want to protect my mum and sister.


But I will bear your words in mind, in case I ever find myself thinking or behaving in such a way.


Thank you x