FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

hulltiger1969

Morning Tay

Not a lot to say other than your doing great, stay strong and have a lovely time with you family:grouphug:

mcja

^^ what hull tiger said.

Have as lovely a weekend as you possibly can.

xxxxx

msb5262

Hi tayforth,

It sounds as if your body is reflecting a bit of the stress you've been through in the last week. When I am stressed, I get itchy rashes, palpitations and find it hard to breathe calmly - my GP knows about this and I try to look after myself by counting slow deep breaths, using lavender oil on a tissue under my pillow or up my sleeve and sometimes take Bach's rescue remedy. The other thing I do is to acknowledge to myself how I'm feeling, and that seems to help me to recover fairly quickly.

I'm with everyone here on the fact that you have had a very stressful week...it's actually a huge life event, just like your sister getting married.
Please be kind to yourself as much as you possibly can - you are going to have lots of ups and downs, but you know this was the best (and only) thing to do. You have saved your own life.

Relax as much as you can and enjoy the feeling that you are finally in control. Your ex is trying to exert what little control he still can, but the time is ticking away and he knows it will all be gone very soon.

Have a good weekend and don't worry about posting here more than suits you - people will understand if you can't reply!

MsB x

tayforth

The LL is changing the locks today. Thank goodness. He's leaving the keys with the lovely next door neighbours - did I mention that I told them last night?

marisco wrote: »

Good morning

Hoping you are okay. Well done you for confiding as much as you felt able to in a friend and letting her understand and support you. I know only to well how difficult it is to do that. As adults we like to keep some areas of our lives private, even to our closest friends. Sometimes though hun our life experiences are so challenging and hard to cope with that we need to lean on others and allow them to give their wise perspectives on what we are facing.

This woman is clearly a close friend of yours for you to have felt that you could divulge so much to her. Her responses to you suggest she wanted to be there and to listen to you. Would it be wrong to suggest that it has been a long time since you had someone do that for you? I doubt very much that your ex ever wanted to know your thoughts or feelings on anything much. Maybe this is why the thought of people willingly doing this now feels a little alien to you and has thrown your equilibrium.

Keep doing as you are and turn to whoever you feel can support you most both in real life and on here. You know full well that you are highly thought of and respected by many, quite deservedly.

Here is something to make you laugh. I am off out today to an adventure park with my boys to try out skiing, toboganning, rock climbing and absailing. If we all come back without broken bones it will be a miracle. Especially in my case as I have had very little sleep after being out late last night having belated birthday celebrations with friends. A strong coffee or six is required before I leave the house. Take care hun.

As ever, marisco, you've hit the nail on the head. He never really bothered about what I wanted. I do find it hard to ask for help. And I was so grateful to my friend for coming round last night.

I hope that you and your boys have a wonderful day out, and that the coffee keeps you awake! xx

mortgagenomore wrote: »

Tayforth - It was only a matter of time before the worm turned, he was taking it all a bit to easy considering he is a selfish sociopath who needs to control, the car situation is just another blip and personally if you need a car and can afford it i would go and treat myself to one, also no if you feel better not telling your family until after the wedding then again stick to your guns, i am uneasy in the fact you have told him that they are not to know anything again he may threaten to tell them or even worse he could but at the end of the day another 2 weeks and you will never need clap eyes on him again, on the grand scheme of things getting shot of the cretin is the most important thing.

Have a lovely time with your family shame you couldnt go last night but tell him to take his car to his lonely new life as you intend replacing that as you will everything else in the future including him :j

If he tells my family, there's nothing I can do. But God help him if he does.


You're right about the car, of course. I should never have let him use it, I'm too soft. But at least I have my self-respect.

Pixiechic wrote: »

Not letting you have the car is the only way he could push your buttons. He knew that it would upset you as he knew you had plans. I know that it upset you but really good that you didn't rise to it. You were right that it was his last bit of control.

I'm pleased that your mutual friend came round and don't worry about what you said to her. You were upset and that was understandable, more fool him.

Maybe with your Mum, as you want to keep up with the white lie till after the wedding, I would maybe appeal to your Mums softer side. If she gets a bit annoyed or whatever I'd just say something like 'I'm really sorry Mum, he's got really yukky flu and he said that he just doesn't feel up to coming. I don't want to force him or fallout with him and im sorry that its on such a big day but we can still have a fab day and really enjoy ourselves'.

Hopefully, that would settle her, I doubt that she would want you to force your ill boyfriend to come to wedding to contaminate everyone and him there in a mood!

Stay strong, don't let him get to you and soon, it will all be out in the open! Have a good day

That's a good idea about my mum. If I pretend to be stressed about the fact that he can't come but there's nothing I can do, she might back off a bit.


As for the control, you're right. I saw right through him. And he hated it.

Pixiechic

Exactly, I'm sure she would understand that you can't magic him better and that you are in an uncomfy position. She would then maybe be more dissapointed than annoyed.

The ex might well try to wind you up now and be a bit difficult. Having the locks changed today is great. It's good that you told the neighbours too. I'm not man bashing here but you found your ex (not all men) to be controlling and abusive and you dumped him. He won't like that, especially as you are taking away his ability to control and abuse you. Except with the car, money, the annulment/divorce etc.

He may not be difficult but just be prepared that he might and have the confidence to know that if he is difficult, you can and will deal with it.

Try not to worry about situations that you can't control. If he contacts your family then, you'll deal with it but I doubt that he will

Kayalana99

If the insurance is in your name by chance feel free to cancel it and get a refund (if you pay yearly ofc) just a thought.

Seems like he picked his moment perfectly as well as you wanted it over the weekend so he took it Friday..

I know we shouldn't be suggesting tit for tat but if it is in your name at least you'd be getting some money back from the car xx

spirit

I'm with mmlc, Bach Rescue Remedy spray is a godsend. A couple of puffs under the tongue will relax you in a nanosecond.

Healthfood stores will have it and some chemists I think.

I always carry some in my handbag.

Odette

I know he has treated you badly but why don't you let him have the car. You have kept the residence and don't have to deal with the rigmarole of moving and I imagine you were splitting the cost of rent/bills. At least that way its done and he has something he may feel he is owed from the relationship. Either way you need to decide what is to be done with the car it so he cant control you with it.
Everyone has done things that are wrong or that we rightly would feel ashamed of but its not your job to punish him and you don't have to let him punish you. The sooner you cut him out of your life completely the more relaxed you will feel.
Plus, new car shopping? Bonus

tayforth

I've managed to sneak away for a break from all the party prep. I called a solicitor friend, who has advised me NOT to have any more contact with the ex, whether about the car or anything else. She says that he's trying to maintain contact, and is using the car to attempt to control and upset me again. And she's right. So I've promised myself - no more contact. I feel better already.

Yorkie1 wrote: »

When we get anxious, we often start breathing much more shallowly, leading to a stitch or light-headedness. Try slowing your breathing down:

http://helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm

http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Relaxation-Exercises

As for the rash, we can't give medical advice so if you're concerned about it then you should see a GP.

Thank you. The LL has now changed the locks, I can't tell you how relieved I am. The house is now safe and secure.

duckeggblue wrote: »

Thoroughly agree about the breathing, I often practice slow deep breathing( or used to) to get to sleep, you can't be tense and breathe deeply, it's a simple and effective trick. Having safe private personal space is critical to you feeling safe and secure,in your mind, I know it was key with me. Get onto that landlord pronto. Xx try listening to music on headphones also to have something else to concentrate on, spending time with good people who can support you and love you and help to give you a lighter perspective, door will be secure soon and you will feel so much more calm.
Make sure you get a little walk every day, particularly on a sunny day .i also used relaxation cds

This is all excellent advice, thanks so much. You're right about safe personal space . I can't wait to get started on making changes to the house, now that he won't be back in it again xxx

hulltiger1969 wrote: »

Morning Tay

Not a lot to say other than your doing great, stay strong and have a lovely time with you family:grouphug:

Thank you for the kind words and dodgy hug hulltiger When's your date, is it this weekend or next? I'll be dying to hear how it went

tayforth

msb5262 wrote: »

Hi tayforth,

It sounds as if your body is reflecting a bit of the stress you've been through in the last week. When I am stressed, I get itchy rashes, palpitations and find it hard to breathe calmly - my GP knows about this and I try to look after myself by counting slow deep breaths, using lavender oil on a tissue under my pillow or up my sleeve and sometimes take Bach's rescue remedy. The other thing I do is to acknowledge to myself how I'm feeling, and that seems to help me to recover fairly quickly.

I'm with everyone here on the fact that you have had a very stressful week...it's actually a huge life event, just like your sister getting married.
Please be kind to yourself as much as you possibly can - you are going to have lots of ups and downs, but you know this was the best (and only) thing to do. You have saved your own life.

Relax as much as you can and enjoy the feeling that you are finally in control. Your ex is trying to exert what little control he still can, but the time is ticking away and he knows it will all be gone very soon.

Have a good weekend and don't worry about posting here more than suits you - people will understand if you can't reply!

MsB x

Thank you, I'll try some of those tips as well as the others I've been given. Relaxation and me-time will be the order of the day for me now!

And yes, I absolutely know that I've done the right thing. The ex's behaviour over the car is just one more reminder that I've made the right decision.


By the way, posting here and having you lovely people to talk to is what's keeping me going at the minute

Pixiechic wrote: »

Exactly, I'm sure she would understand that you can't magic him better and that you are in an uncomfy position. She would then maybe be more dissapointed than annoyed.

The ex might well try to wind you up now and be a bit difficult. Having the locks changed today is great. It's good that you told the neighbours too. I'm not man bashing here but you found your ex (not all men) to be controlling and abusive and you dumped him. He won't like that, especially as you are taking away his ability to control and abuse you. Except with the car, money, the annulment/divorce etc.

He may not be difficult but just be prepared that he might and have the confidence to know that if he is difficult, you can and will deal with it.

Try not to worry about situations that you can't control. If he contacts your family then, you'll deal with it but I doubt that he will

Thank you. Yes, I think that my my mum will be more understanding if she sees that I feel bad about the 'illness' too.


And I can tell that he is annoyed and angry at losing control. He's showing his true colours. It's as clear as day to me now.

Kayalana99 wrote: »

If the insurance is in your name by chance feel free to cancel it and get a refund (if you pay yearly ofc) just a thought.

Seems like he picked his moment perfectly as well as you wanted it over the weekend so he took it Friday..

I know we shouldn't be suggesting tit for tat but if it is in your name at least you'd be getting some money back from the car xx

Sadly, it's in his name - I'm the named driver, even though we're joint owners. But it's not worth getting upset over. I'll live.


Thanks for the suggestion, though.