FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

duckeggblue

Tayforth, sleep well, remember, dignity and be one step ahead. The dignity your achieving, remember, get some pep talks from friends, you just need to remember that you've changed but he hasn't, and won't, so you could have expected "something" like this might happen. Realise it and try not to focus on it, don't let it drain you of too much energy. In the scale of things-it's nothing. X

nmlc

Tayforth

Hope you've managed some sleep and feel brighter this morning. (I have been to bed couldn't sleep, tossed and turned, so got up and am enjoying a cuppa). This is as many others have said what we possibly should have expected - it just re-enforces you made the exact right decision to end the marriage - you made the choice and are sticking to your choice - he has lost his control and ability to manipulate you, he's now clutching at straws as to how he can still try to exert some sort of control over you and by going back on his word about you having the car for the 2 weekends he feels he's getting some of that control back. In your situation I would make sure you note this in your diary and let the matter drop - if you can make other arrangements ie, hire a car, public transport etc - do that. If you don't make a big thing out of it - he then is left with no further control and on the back foot - and he will see that you're not actually bothered as it's completely over for you - he's only being awkward now as he's an a******e and thinks he can get a reaction - he may have the car but you can then say (if you have to speak to him regarding any division of posessions/legal stuff re divorce etc, you have the car that's your share, goodbye!). I have to say I completely expected him to do something - I honestly thought he may do something to your home whilst you weren't there whilst he was under the pretence of "collecting his stuff", but he probably thought doing that would look a bit obvious and in his mind he feels justified to go back on his word about you having the car for these 2 weekends - he's probably of the mindset "I've been the one to move out and had to do it very quickly - so the least she can do is let me have the car" - those sorts of people don't think about the years of utter misery and nastiness he's put you through and had he been a decent human being he wouldn't be in this position. I know not having the car is making your life awkward but hold your head up and continue with being so dignified in this situation - you will soon be sorted and able to move on.

Big hugs and stay strong x
nmlc x

ps. I would if your haven't already - push the landlord to get those locks changed now - so if he does try to visit he's unable to get in - at least he can't visit whilst he knows your not there (ie, the weekend of the wedding etc).

mintymoneysaver

I hope you wake up feeling much stronger, Tay. Have a good walk, clear your head, remember all that you've been through this week has been massive, and then move on again. The shock probably hit you last night, after the euphoria of the few days before. You'll feel fantastic again very soon, I promise!

If you still don't get my pm, send me your email ( or your other user name) and I'll try doing it that way xx

tayforth

I've hardly slept. I'm shattered. Just going to have a shower and potter about for a while before going to my mum's, hoping to have a nap on the train if it's quiet.

Thanks again for all your lovely posts, I'll reply in a bit xxx

tayforth

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

I hope you wake up feeling much stronger, Tay. Have a good walk, clear your head, remember all that you've been through this week has been massive, and then move on again. The shock probably hit you last night, after the euphoria of the few days before. You'll feel fantastic again very soon, I promise!

If you still don't get my pm, send me your email ( or your other user name) and I'll try doing it that way xx

I did get it, thanks so much. I'll reply this morning xxx

tayforth

Peanut2013 wrote: »

What would happen if you were honest? I know everyones parents are different but I wish I'd been honest with my dad before.

I'm sure that my mum and sister would support me, but it would definitely overshadow the wedding and I would feel terrible about that.

Person_one wrote: »

I just think that getting deeper and deeper into a tangle of lies will do your state of mind no good at all, and risks you being questioned and turning it into a bigger thing than it needs to be regarding the wedding.

Hardly any of us are good liars, that's why when you do need to bend the truth a bit its always better to pick something as close to the truth as possible!

I know. But honestly, my ex being ill is not as big as us splitting up, so I'll have to stick with it for now.

tooldle wrote: »

Better to be honest, otherwise they might hear the news first from someone other than you.

They won't, none of the people I've told will spread the news around, so it'll be OK.

tayforth

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Is there any chance his mother will communicate with your mother?
I'm with Person one on this, but understand it is your decision and only you know your family etc.

I've told him that my mum and sister are not to find out. My mum doesn't like ex-MIL AT ALL, long story but not surprising - she's horrid. If ex-MIL lifts the phone to tell my mum, I will make her regret the day she was born.

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

When I split with my ex he phoned my sister and made sure he got his story in first, making out that he had no idea why I had told him to leave and he was heartbroken and desperately wanted to save our marriage, 'even though she is having an affair' (I have never cheated in my life, and he knew my views on adultery). For years afterwards I was to blame in the eyes of my family, especially as I never attempted to defend myself. If you think there is any chance at all that he might contact your family, please take your mum into your confidence, and ask her not to tell your sister until after the wedding. Otherwise there is a risk that they may think your 'pack of lies' supports his version of events.....

xxx

How terrible that your family sided with him over you. And that he told such a disgusting lie!!!

At least I know that there is zero chance of that happening with my family, and I can say that for sure.

AlwaysAllie wrote: »

This is a really difficult time and lots of people are advising you to tell you mum. However you need to do what you are comfortable with, we don't know your mum, sister, family, sister or friends.

Take a deep breath and do what YOU want. You already know you're strong enough to cope with anything after this week.

AA

Thank you xx

tayforth

swampduck wrote: »

Can I suggest that you just tell the truth? One lie (however little) spins into another and you end up telling another to someone else. Just don't go there! It will be easier for you to tell the truth - liars have to have incredibly good memories to remember who said what and where and to who.
For what it's worth I got married last August and my stepson and his wife were in the middle of marital problems and with hindsight I would rather have known so that his wife wouldn't have been at the wedding. I wasn't aware of an atmosphere but his now ex-wife is in all the family pics and apparently she spent the whole wedding bending anyones' ear who would listen to her and her problems!! :mad:
If your husband wont be there - then that's it. Tell the family and say it's your sisters' and her future hubbys' day and you will do nothing that will mar their day in any way!! Nor is it up for discussion particularly at the wedding and you will happily talk to anyone when you have come to terms with it yourself.

Swampy

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

Tay - just tell her!

I can't. I'm sorry, I know that I seem to be tying myself up in knots that may unravel, but I honestly believe that I'm doing the right thing.

Swampy - your post reassures me that I'm doing the right thing not sticking it out until after the wedding and bringing him 'for show'.

Brighton_belle wrote: »

(((Tayforth))) you are not useless!
It was all going almost too well...and now he is perhaps being true to form?

You will get through this. Can you invent a car problem? (I'm not into making things up myself as this creates further complications, but I recognise you feel in between a rock and a hard place, trying to protect their feelings etc) If she is suspicious then can you tell her he is being difficult without telling her the whole story?

Yes, you're right - I should have expected this. I will from now on.

On the positive side, he clearly realises that he's lost all control and power over me.

I called my mum and invented a different excuse, and she seemed to believe me. Just disappointed that I couldn't go last night - we were going to have a last girls' night in, just the 3 of us, before the wedding

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Tay, he is going to do this.

As long as he has the potential to control you, he will use it. I am sorry to say that this moving the goal posts is typical of people who lean towards narcissistic/sociopathic tendencies. You know him well enough to know what he is capable of, so please just err on the side of caution and assume he will run true to form.

Could you tell your mum that he has moved out and taken the car, and is refusing to let you use it, and tell her that you don't want to go into details at the moment and ask her not to tell your sister?

They are going to know that there is something seriously wrong now anyway, so the truth isn't going to be much worse than any story you might invent, is it?

That said, of course only you can decide, they are your family and you know them... we are just outsiders looking in.

Some other thoughts..... Can you afford to hire a car? Do you have a friend who would be willing to drive you in exchange for an invite to the do? Are any other guests travelling from your area? Too late now, but could you afford to buy a second-hand car to get you by until the finances are sorted out (if so make sure you take someone with you who knows about cars).

Also - remember to make a note of this incident, in case you might need to refer to it later.

Sending you big (((((hugs)))))

You're absolutely right. He is capable of anything as far as I'm concerned.

Yes, I can afford to hire a car if needs be. And what a nice idea to ask a friend in his place, I'll consider it (will have to ask my sister first, obviously!).

I will make a note of the incident, thank you.

I know that I should tell them something, but I just want to stick to my original plan and see how I get on.

mcja wrote: »

Tayforth, just tell people. Please be selfish for once and hold your head up. You have spent long enough making excuses for this piece of sh!te. Tell your mum whats going and and decide if you tell your sister together. I don't know where you even begin that conversation though.

One more bit of strength and then you can grieve for what you should have had and the life you were meant to spend together.

Big big hugs, and get it all done this weekend, you can then crack on with sister-of-the-bride stuff.

xx

Thank you, and what an apt, Anglo-Saxon description of him.

And I'm truly not grieving for him. I see him for what he is now. Which helps me enormously.

JanCee wrote: »

You have to expect that he would do something like this. It is his way of exercising his last remnants of control over you. There may be other incidents of a similar nature, don't let them bother you too much, although I know this is easier said than done.

The game is nearly over for him, he knows it, you know it and soon all your family and friends will know it.

Thank you. And if anything similar happens, I'll be prepared xxxx

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

I think ultimately, not telling is going to risk potential for drama as much as quietly telling, of not sister then mother at least.

You don't have to tell with tears, you can say ' I didn't want to say earlier because this is sis's week, and I want to be 100% for her right now, but this is how it is. I am going to be fine, just fine, and after sis is married I will cuddle up with you mum and tell you everything, but right now I want to be a good sister?'

If mother deems it right she can support the cold thing 'gosh yes he sou ded terrible on the phone sis, he mustn't,t come....' Or help keep things smooth should she think its wiser to be open.

What ever you do though, you know them, it's your life...we can only say what we think from a distance, and distance can leave out details.

rockie4 wrote: »

I agree!! Tell your Mum, she migh be upset at first but she will come round
Whatever you decide, have a great weekend

I couldn't ask my mum to lie to her friends, family and neighbours. That's why I'm not telling her. But thank you for the kind words xx

rockie4 wrote: »

It's probably done you good, I was talking to a girl at work today - someone I haven't talked to a great deal and I ended up saying more than I intended but she suprised me by telling me about her marriage break up which had a lot of similarities! We ended up having a hug and agreeing to go out for lunch next week

I have to say I've been pleasantly suprised with the support I've had from people who I thought wouldn't be supportive (mind you there has been one in particular who I thought would be who isn't )

I'm having a lovely night in on my own He's out for the night :Tso I can do as I please and if I want another glass of wine I can have one!!

I hope that you enjoyed your night alone And good for you telling someone at work, I bet you felt so relieved afterwards.