FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Take care of yourself tayforth, you don't have to reply to anything tonight: you're going through a lot and it is bound to be rollercoaster, from relief to distress, back and forth for a while.

I'm glad you had someone in RL to talk too and share a bit more. It was lovely that she came round as soon as you let show your distress a little. You deserve to have that level of care shown you.

mcja wrote: »

I NEVER want to see you apologise for anything on here, you never have to apologise to anyone here. Just have a night off replying, know everyone is rooting for you, and ring your mum.

xx

MrsAtobe wrote: »

Tayforth, don't apologise! You are doing so well, but I'm not surprised that you feel the need to take a breather.

Be kind to yourself (((hugs)))

Thank you all, you're so lovely xxxx

marisco_2

Good morning

Hoping you are okay. Well done you for confiding as much as you felt able to in a friend and letting her understand and support you. I know only to well how difficult it is to do that. As adults we like to keep some areas of our lives private, even to our closest friends. Sometimes though hun our life experiences are so challenging and hard to cope with that we need to lean on others and allow them to give their wise perspectives on what we are facing.

This woman is clearly a close friend of yours for you to have felt that you could divulge so much to her. Her responses to you suggest she wanted to be there and to listen to you. Would it be wrong to suggest that it has been a long time since you had someone do that for you? I doubt very much that your ex ever wanted to know your thoughts or feelings on anything much. Maybe this is why the thought of people willingly doing this now feels a little alien to you and has thrown your equilibrium.

Keep doing as you are and turn to whoever you feel can support you most both in real life and on here. You know full well that you are highly thought of and respected by many, quite deservedly.

Here is something to make you laugh. I am off out today to an adventure park with my boys to try out skiing, toboganning, rock climbing and absailing. If we all come back without broken bones it will be a miracle. Especially in my case as I have had very little sleep after being out late last night having belated birthday celebrations with friends. A strong coffee or six is required before I leave the house. Take care hun.

tayforth

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

It's probably just a blip, you've had a life changing week. I've resent my pm, don't know why it didn't get to you x

A life-changing week indeed. I suppose it has been.

Alpha58 wrote: »

Don't you dare! You have been incredible through this, and the bad behaviour of one described as an ar*e by so many strangers must count for something.

Crying's OK, just use it to fush out some of the negativity. My ol' mum used to say, when I was a little lad and had been crying, "go and get a flannel, rinse it in cold water and wash your face." It works. Try it.

Tomorrow's another day, and a better one to boot. I won't comment on the ongoing "telling your mother" discussion because that's not for me to voice an opinion - what I would suggest is hiring a car for the weekend and indeed for any other time in the near future when you know you can't rely on someone else giving up the car.

Be strong - almost there!

Thank you for the encouragement, and thanks also for the PM, will reply soon.

jenhug wrote: »

Tay, please tell your mum. You will feel better, and more empowered when you do.

I actually feel better knowing that my mum and sis are in blissful ignorance, and happily looking forward to tonight's party and the wedding.

tayforth

Right - have to get ready to leave, will catch up on replies in an hour xxx

busiscoming2

nmlc wrote: »

Tayforth

Hope you've managed some sleep and feel brighter this morning. (I have been to bed couldn't sleep, tossed and turned, so got up and am enjoying a cuppa). This is as many others have said what we possibly should have expected - it just re-enforces you made the exact right decision to end the marriage - you made the choice and are sticking to your choice - he has lost his control and ability to manipulate you, he's now clutching at straws as to how he can still try to exert some sort of control over you and by going back on his word about you having the car for the 2 weekends he feels he's getting some of that control back. In your situation I would make sure you note this in your diary and let the matter drop - if you can make other arrangements ie, hire a car, public transport etc - do that. If you don't make a big thing out of it - he then is left with no further control and on the back foot - and he will see that you're not actually bothered as it's completely over for you - he's only being awkward now as he's an a******e and thinks he can get a reaction - he may have the car but you can then say (if you have to speak to him regarding any division of posessions/legal stuff re divorce etc, you have the car that's your share, goodbye!). I have to say I completely expected him to do something - I honestly thought he may do something to your home whilst you weren't there whilst he was under the pretence of "collecting his stuff", but he probably thought doing that would look a bit obvious and in his mind he feels justified to go back on his word about you having the car for these 2 weekends - he's probably of the mindset "I've been the one to move out and had to do it very quickly - so the least she can do is let me have the car" - those sorts of people don't think about the years of utter misery and nastiness he's put you through and had he been a decent human being he wouldn't be in this position. I know not having the car is making your life awkward but hold your head up and continue with being so dignified in this situation - you will soon be sorted and able to move on.

Big hugs and stay strong x
nmlc x

ps. I would if your haven't already - push the landlord to get those locks changed now - so if he does try to visit he's unable to get in - at least he can't visit whilst he knows your not there (ie, the weekend of the wedding etc).

Totally agree with this. You are doing so well Tayforth, but please don't expect him to remain 'nice'. Even the most amicable of people can turn into nasty pieces of work when a relationship ends.

mortgagenomore_2

Tayforth - It was only a matter of time before the worm turned, he was taking it all a bit to easy considering he is a selfish sociopath who needs to control, the car situation is just another blip and personally if you need a car and can afford it i would go and treat myself to one, also no if you feel better not telling your family until after the wedding then again stick to your guns, i am uneasy in the fact you have told him that they are not to know anything again he may threaten to tell them or even worse he could but at the end of the day another 2 weeks and you will never need clap eyes on him again, on the grand scheme of things getting shot of the cretin is the most important thing.

Have a lovely time with your family shame you couldnt go last night but tell him to take his car to his lonely new life as you intend replacing that as you will everything else in the future including him :j

Pixiechic

Not letting you have the car is the only way he could push your buttons. He knew that it would upset you as he knew you had plans. I know that it upset you but really good that you didn't rise to it. You were right that it was his last bit of control.

I'm pleased that your mutual friend came round and don't worry about what you said to her. You were upset and that was understandable, more fool him.

Maybe with your Mum, as you want to keep up with the white lie till after the wedding, I would maybe appeal to your Mums softer side. If she gets a bit annoyed or whatever I'd just say something like 'I'm really sorry Mum, he's got really yukky flu and he said that he just doesn't feel up to coming. I don't want to force him or fallout with him and im sorry that its on such a big day but we can still have a fab day and really enjoy ourselves'.

Hopefully, that would settle her, I doubt that she would want you to force your ill boyfriend to come to wedding to contaminate everyone and him there in a mood!

Stay strong, don't let him get to you and soon, it will all be out in the open! Have a good day

tayforth

duckeggblue wrote: »

Tayforth, sleep well, remember, dignity and be one step ahead. The dignity your achieving, remember, get some pep talks from friends, you just need to remember that you've changed but he hasn't, and won't, so you could have expected "something" like this might happen. Realise it and try not to focus on it, don't let it drain you of too much energy. In the scale of things-it's nothing. X

I'm really trying not to let it affect me. But I haven't eaten since that phone call from him yesterday, and - even worse, a small rash that developed on my neck last weekend seems to be getting worse.

When I was getting dressed to come to the station, I also noticed lots of small patches of irritation/rash on my chest and torso that weren't there last night. I never have anything like this. Could it be related to this horrible situation?


I was breathing very oddly when I left the house, could hardly catch my breath, I had to sit down for a moment to calm myself. And now that I'm on the train, I have a slight pain in my side, like a stitch from running. I'm honestly afraid that he'll let himself in when I'm away tonight.

nmlc wrote: »

Tayforth

Hope you've managed some sleep and feel brighter this morning. (I have been to bed couldn't sleep, tossed and turned, so got up and am enjoying a cuppa). This is as many others have said what we possibly should have expected - it just re-enforces you made the exact right decision to end the marriage - you made the choice and are sticking to your choice - he has lost his control and ability to manipulate you, he's now clutching at straws as to how he can still try to exert some sort of control over you and by going back on his word about you having the car for the 2 weekends he feels he's getting some of that control back. In your situation I would make sure you note this in your diary and let the matter drop - if you can make other arrangements ie, hire a car, public transport etc - do that. If you don't make a big thing out of it - he then is left with no further control and on the back foot - and he will see that you're not actually bothered as it's completely over for you - he's only being awkward now as he's an a******e and thinks he can get a reaction - he may have the car but you can then say (if you have to speak to him regarding any division of posessions/legal stuff re divorce etc, you have the car that's your share, goodbye!). I have to say I completely expected him to do something - I honestly thought he may do something to your home whilst you weren't there whilst he was under the pretence of "collecting his stuff", but he probably thought doing that would look a bit obvious and in his mind he feels justified to go back on his word about you having the car for these 2 weekends - he's probably of the mindset "I've been the one to move out and had to do it very quickly - so the least she can do is let me have the car" - those sorts of people don't think about the years of utter misery and nastiness he's put you through and had he been a decent human being he wouldn't be in this position. I know not having the car is making your life awkward but hold your head up and continue with being so dignified in this situation - you will soon be sorted and able to move on.

Big hugs and stay strong x
nmlc x

ps. I would if your haven't already - push the landlord to get those locks changed now - so if he does try to visit he's unable to get in - at least he can't visit whilst he knows your not there (ie, the weekend of the wedding etc).

That is exactly his mindset! He said as much yesterday on the phone and by text. Conveniently forgetting his behaviour towards me over the years.


I've texted the LL to ask if he'll change the locks today, I hope that he will.

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

I hope you wake up feeling much stronger, Tay. Have a good walk, clear your head, remember all that you've been through this week has been massive, and then move on again. The shock probably hit you last night, after the euphoria of the few days before. You'll feel fantastic again very soon, I promise!

If you still don't get my pm, send me your email ( or your other user name) and I'll try doing it that way xx

Thank you so so much. I really appreciate it. Will reply to your PM when I clear a couple, my inbox is stil full xxx

Yorkie1

When we get anxious, we often start breathing much more shallowly, leading to a stitch or light-headedness. Try slowing your breathing down:

http://helpguide.org/mental/stress_relief_meditation_yoga_relaxation.htm

http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Relaxation-Exercises

As for the rash, we can't give medical advice so if you're concerned about it then you should see a GP.

duckeggblue

Thoroughly agree about the breathing, I often practice slow deep breathing( or used to) to get to sleep, you can't be tense and breathe deeply, it's a simple and effective trick. Having safe private personal space is critical to you feeling safe and secure,in your mind, I know it was key with me. Get onto that landlord pronto. Xx try listening to music on headphones also to have something else to concentrate on, spending time with good people who can support you and love you and help to give you a lighter perspective, door will be secure soon and you will feel so much more calm.
Make sure you get a little walk every day, particularly on a sunny day .i also used relaxation cds