FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

Brighton_belle

(((Tayforth))) you are not useless!
It was all going almost too well...and now he is perhaps being true to form?

You will get through this. Can you invent a car problem? (I'm not into making things up myself as this creates further complications, but I recognise you feel in between a rock and a hard place, trying to protect their feelings etc) If she is suspicious then can you tell her he is being difficult without telling her the whole story?

zzzLazyDaisy

Tay, he is going to do this.

As long as he has the potential to control you, he will use it. I am sorry to say that this moving the goal posts is typical of people who lean towards narcissistic/sociopathic tendencies. You know him well enough to know what he is capable of, so please just err on the side of caution and assume he will run true to form.

Could you tell your mum that he has moved out and taken the car, and is refusing to let you use it, and tell her that you don't want to go into details at the moment and ask her not to tell your sister?

They are going to know that there is something seriously wrong now anyway, so the truth isn't going to be much worse than any story you might invent, is it?

That said, of course only you can decide, they are your family and you know them... we are just outsiders looking in.

Some other thoughts..... Can you afford to hire a car? Do you have a friend who would be willing to drive you in exchange for an invite to the do? Are any other guests travelling from your area? Too late now, but could you afford to buy a second-hand car to get you by until the finances are sorted out (if so make sure you take someone with you who knows about cars).

Also - remember to make a note of this incident, in case you might need to refer to it later.

Sending you big (((((hugs)))))

swampduck

Can I suggest that you just tell the truth? One lie (however little) spins into another and you end up telling another to someone else. Just don't go there! It will be easier for you to tell the truth - liars have to have incredibly good memories to remember who said what and where and to who.
For what it's worth I got married last August and my stepson and his wife were in the middle of marital problems and with hindsight I would rather have known so that his wife wouldn't have been at the wedding. I wasn't aware of an atmosphere but his now ex-wife is in all the family pics and apparently she spent the whole wedding bending anyones' ear who would listen to her and her problems!! :mad:
If your husband wont be there - then that's it. Tell the family and say it's your sisters' and her future hubbys' day and you will do nothing that will mar their day in any way!! Nor is it up for discussion particularly at the wedding and you will happily talk to anyone when you have come to terms with it yourself.

Swampy

msb5262

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Tay, he is going to do this.

As long as he has the potential to control you, he will use it. I am sorry to say that this moving the goal posts is typical of people who lean towards narcissistic/sociopathic tendencies. You know him well enough to know what he is capable of, so please just err on the side of caution and assume he will run true to form.

Could you tell your mum that he has moved out and taken the car, and is refusing to let you use it, and tell her that you don't want to go into details at the moment and ask her not to tell your sister?

They are going to know that there is something seriously wrong now anyway, so the truth isn't going to be much worse than any story you might invent, is it?

That said, of course only you can decide, they are your family and you know them... we are just outsiders looking in.

Some other thoughts..... Can you afford to hire a car? Do you have a friend who would be willing to drive you in exchange for an invite to the do? Are any other guests travelling from your area? Too late now, but could you afford to buy a second-hand car to get you by until the finances are sorted out (if so make sure you take someone with you who knows about cars).

Also - remember to make a note of this incident, in case you might need to refer to it later.

Sending you big (((((hugs)))))

This is a brilliant post. Well done zzzLazyDaisy!

mcja

Tayforth, just tell people. Please be selfish for once and hold your head up. You have spent long enough making excuses for this piece of sh!te. Tell your mum whats going and and decide if you tell your sister together. I don't know where you even begin that conversation though.

One more bit of strength and then you can grieve for what you should have had and the life you were meant to spend together.

Big big hugs, and get it all done this weekend, you can then crack on with sister-of-the-bride stuff.

xx

lostinrates

I think ultimately, not telling is going to risk potential for drama as much as quietly telling, of not sister then mother at least.

You don't have to tell with tears, you can say ' I didn't want to say earlier because this is sis's week, and I want to be 100% for her right now, but this is how it is. I am going to be fine, just fine, and after sis is married I will cuddle up with you mum and tell you everything, but right now I want to be a good sister?'


If mother deems it right she can support the cold thing 'gosh yes he sou ded terrible on the phone sis, he mustn't,t come....' Or help keep things smooth should she think its wiser to be open.

What ever you do though, you know them, it's your life...we can only say what we think from a distance, and distance can leave out details.

rockie4

mcja wrote: »

Tayforth, just tell people. Please be selfish for once and hold your head up. You have spent long enough making excuses for this piece of sh!te. Tell your mum whats going and and decide if you tell your sister together. I don't know where you even begin that conversation though.

One more bit of strength and then you can grieve for what you should have had and the life you were meant to spend together.

Big big hugs, and get it all done this weekend, you can then crack on with sister-of-the-bride stuff.

xx

I agree!! Tell your Mum, she migh be upset at first but she will come round
Whatever you decide, have a great weekend

JanCee

tayforth wrote: »

He's gone back on his word about letting me have the car. I can't f*cking believe it.

Now I can't go and see my friend this evening, and I can't go to my mum's until tomorrow (public transport finished for the day), and I'll have to ring her and invent a good reason why. Just when she's already p*ssed off and suspicious.

I'm crying and feel totally useless.

You have to expect that he would do something like this. It is his way of exercising his last remnants of control over you. There may be other incidents of a similar nature, don't let them bother you too much, although I know this is easier said than done.

The game is nearly over for him, he knows it, you know it and soon all your family and friends will know it.

tayforth

I was supposed to visit a mutual friend this evening (her OH is a friend of my ex), I needed the car to get to her house. So I called her to say that I couldn't come, and told her why. I then broke down on the phone and she came straight round.

She was lovely. I didn't intend to tell her any details, but ended up telling her quite a lot. And crying. She was shocked, but also said that she always thought that my ex and I weren't suited, that I was so nice and he was a bit of an *rse.

She's just gone, I feel drained. Not sure whether I should have told her any of that, but I was so upset that I couldn't hide my feelings.

rockie4

It's probably done you good, I was talking to a girl at work today - someone I haven't talked to a great deal and I ended up saying more than I intended but she suprised me by telling me about her marriage break up which had a lot of similarities! We ended up having a hug and agreeing to go out for lunch next week

I have to say I've been pleasantly suprised with the support I've had from people who I thought wouldn't be supportive (mind you there has been one in particular who I thought would be who isn't )

I'm having a lovely night in on my own He's out for the night :Tso I can do as I please and if I want another glass of wine I can have one!!