FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

Hello

I'm a very long-time poster but want to be anonymous for this, I'll be more honest this way. I hope that you understand. I can't tell anyone about my feelings and I feel as if I might explode if I don't. And I always value the advice on this board (I'm a regular), so I'm taking a deep breath and telling you. I hope that you don't mind.

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So... I've been with my OH for 7 years. We got married last year, and it's been terrible, to be honest. He has been gradually destroying my feelings for him by being nasty to me, to the point where I don't think that I feel anything for him any more.

Even worse, I am not sexually attracted to him at all, even though he's considered very attractive by everyone who knows him. We've had sex once since our wedding. I've become more and more withdrawn, spending evenings and nights alone, making up excuses not to be in his company. I'm beginning to suspect that I might be depressed.

As well as this, I have feelings for one of his friends. I have always hoped that my feelings would lessen with time, but they haven't.

I know that I can never act on these feelings, even if OH and I split up; his friend is a decent guy and wouldn't do that. I wish with all my heart that I'd acted on them sooner; perhaps when OH and I were just going out i.e. before we lived together/married, the consequences woudn't have been so serious. But I didn't, and I must live with that.

So I'm not viewing him as the answer to my problems. If anything, getting away from the pair of them may be the best thing to do. I might spend the rest of my life alone, and that terrifies me, but so does the thought of staying with my OH.

I'm just rambling now. I'd appreciate any kind of advice, kind words, pep talk - anything.

geri1965_2

I think if you are sure about your feelings then there is only one thing to do and that is to end it. It's not fair on either of you to carry on living a lie.

Don't be scared of being on your own - it will open up a whole new world of freedom.

lippy1923

O I do feel for you You need to do the right thing for both of you and talk to him. Things may get heated, there may be tears but you have to get it out in the open and not let it eat away at you.

All that could happen after that is you either break up for good, or you both decide it's worth fighting for and work at it.

I would suggest contacting your GP for advice and possible treatment if you think you are depressed. There's nothing wrong in asking for help.

Sorry I can't be of more help x

BJV

You are a long long time dead and as horrible as it sounds one of my worst fears is to be on my death bed and think I wish!

Talk to your OH and let him know how you feel and if you are sure absolutely sure then get a divorce.

Sort your self out and then see what happens. Don't forget that for you to be happy with someone else you have to be happy with yourself first. No relationship is perfect as perfection does not exist but you need to stop punishing yourself for not being happy.

Really hope that you feel better soon.

thehappybutterfly

If you think you might be depressed, it's worth a visit to your GP and see if he can prescribe you anything to give you a lift. Depression can easily cloud your judgement and if you get yourself on meds, you might be able to think more clearly and objectively about your situation. And not feel so hopeless / helpless.

You might not really have feelings for your hubby's friend - if you're feeling unloved at home, it wouldn't surprising that you're perhaps confusing affection for something else?

Poor you. I'm assuming there are no kids involved? And don't feel guilty about not being sexually attracted to your hubby. Good looks don't necessary equal sex appeal!

tayforth

I should add that he is not nasty *all* the time. When I get really fed up, he usually makes an effort for a few days and, in that time, he can be super nice. On Friday night, he screamed at me because I was reading in bed and 'keeping him awake' (he had dozed off an hour before, but woke up to see my lamp still on and went mad). He was purple in the face and almost spitting with rage, calling me a selfish b*tch.

I left and went to sleep in the spare room. The next morning, I said that I'd had enough. He got really upset, apologised and said that he'd been stupid and awful and asked me to give him a chance. And he's been extra nice since. But is it too little, too late? Every time? How many times am I expected to give him another chance?

He's said some awful things to me in the past. On holiday 4 years ago, he called me a c**t one night. I actually packed my bag and was about to leave, but he persuaded me to forgive him.

Is it me? Should I be able to forgive and forget? Am I holding grudges? Or is he killing my feelings by a thousand cuts?

londonsurrey

It's called domestic violence. Emotional domestic violence. Get counselling. If he doesn't participate fully, not grudgingly, then don't waste any more time, and leave.

Orlando_Virgin

tayforth wrote: »

I should add that he is not nasty *all* the time. When I get really fed up, he usually makes an effort for a few days and, in that time, he can be super nice. On Friday night, he screamed at me because I was reading in bed and 'keeping him awake' (he had dozed off an hour before, but woke up to see my lamp still on and went mad). He was purple in the face and almost spitting with rage, calling me a selfish b*tch.

I left and went to sleep in the spare room. The next morning, I said that I'd had enough. He got really upset, apologised and said that he'd been stupid and awful and asked me to give him a chance. And he's been extra nice since. But is it too little, too late? Every time? How many times am I expected to give him another chance?

He's said some awful things to me in the past. On holiday 4 years ago, he called me a c**t one night. I actually packed my bag and was about to leave, but he persuaded me to forgive him.

Is it me? Should I be able to forgive and forget? Am I holding grudges? Or is he killing my feelings by a thousand cuts?



He's in one of those

I split with my ex-girlfriend about 3 weeks ago. It never got nasty or anything like that, but she wasn't happy within herself and she felt she had to tell me that because it was unfair to pretend and try to keep going.

It hurts, but I respect her a ton for having "the balls" to say it.

I couldn't imagine trying to live a lie, don't do that to yourself.

Amanda65

So OP what do YOU want to do? Can you see a future with your OH? Has anything been said about the fact that you have only had sex once since your wedding and spend time apart? Why do you think he's depressed?

I think you need to sit down and try and draw up a list of 'ideals' of where you would like to be in say 5 years time. Then sit down with OH and work out whether you are heading in the same direction, want the same thing and can achieve these goals together - if not then as hard as it is now maybe you should consider whether you would be happier apart.

Are there any children involved?

Edited as now seen post #6. This is NOT normal behaviour and you do not have to put up with it.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Oh my goodness - reading in bed. You complete monster.

Oh - sorry - that appears to be him.

You have realised your mistake - hopefully there are no kids involved and you can get out now.

tea_lover

Would he consider counselling? Relate were a great help to me when my marriage ended. If wasn't a magic cure, if anything it made it clear that we really should split up, but it was good to have someone else in the room.

If he won't even consider it I think you might have your answer.

ETA: fwiw, we split up just under 8 weeks after getting married.