FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

I think it would be foolish not to at least go to the counselling. The only thing I would say is that he needs to go with the right frame of mind, not just because he thinks his marriage is in jeopardy and he's scared.

From his behaviour he sounds quite unhappy in himself too, like he has surpressed anger and emotions. And your his primary target.

He is definitely very angry at times. I should say that my parents had an overall happy mariage and always spoke respectfully towards and about each other. If they argued, we never heard it.

But his parents didn't have a happy marriage - his father had an addiction and his mother was (justifiably) constantly upset and angry. But the children didn't know about the addiction, all they saw was an angry mother. I have suggested to him in the past that this may still be an issue for him, but he got annoyed and asked how dare I make such assumptions. I do still wonder about it, though.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Of course you don't have any sexual feelings for him if he's being beastly to you! Who would?

The whole thing would make anyone depressed.

I suspect you may have had a growing realisation that you may have made a mistake. That is a depressing thought but not one you can't extricate yourself from.

Any man who called me the C word would be history in a trice. I reckon you should have gone ahead and dumped him then.

Do you think you might be focussing on his chum purely because things with your husband are so unfavourable, and not necessarily because he really is the right one?

Get packing. I would have done it a long time ago.

Yes, and yes. I bitterly regret my choice, if I'm honest.

No idea why I'm focusing on his friend, could be partly because I'm unhappy with OH, but the camping weekend that I described was pre-OH.

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

He is saying that he will go to counseling because it pacifies you.You really should have left when he called you a c**t. You do not want him in your sibling's wedding photos now do you?

If you want to go to counseling then go. But to be honest, perhaps you are due a good night out with your family without him just to see what it could be like.

I know. I should have. And of course I don't want him in the photos. But it would cause less upset than him not attending at all.

It's such a mess.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

tayforth wrote: »

I know. I should have. And of course I don't want him in the photos. But it would cause less upset than him not attending at all.

It's such a mess.

You never know - it might cause great relief!

BitterAndTwisted

It's only a mess if you decide to make it so.

It would take about five minutes to pack a bag and leave, if that's what you want to do. Everything else is mere details

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Eggs-actly.

tayforth

warwicktiger wrote: »

There are no kids involved. I'm 35, and well aware of what that means as well if we split up...


35? 25?45? 55? Makes no difference.

If he behaves as you describe then if you are not depressed then you soon will be. I lost the love of my life three years ago because of my behaviour, not nearly as bad but I forgot to keep caring for her, after a lot longer than 7 years.

Is there any kind of explanation for his conduct? I'm thinking work, family, health stress?

I would suggest a long chat. Does he know what he is doing to you? Does he care? Lay it on the line how unhappy you are. If there are no reasons, just a promise to change then give your self a timescale (3 months?), without telling him and if there is no change then its time for that hard decision.

Either way, please do not run into the arms of his friend, not because they are friends although it would make it worse. Take your own time out. Its taken me over two years to realise that I am not dead yet and hopefully still have plenty of life to live. Now I look forward not back.

Thank you. This is all sound advice.

I have already told him how unhappy I am. I've been trying to tell him for a long time but he didn't want to listen. Now that I'm detaching myself from him, he suddenly gets it.

And I will set a deadline, and stick to it.

tea_lover wrote: »

If it was me, I'd still go to counselling. However, be prepared for him to change his mind about turning up when it actually comes down to it. He's being nice for now but you already know that doesn't last very long.

Counselling isn't just about 'fixing' relationships. It's also about coming to terms with them being over, and helping you (both) find ways to move forward.

If you don't get anything else out of it, at least you'll know that you were prepared to give it a go, even if he wasn't.

Maybe you could go to the wedding on your own but just say he's ill or something? Not ideal I realise, but it buys you some time if you're not ready to speak to your family about this right now.

That's true. I feel bad thinking like this because ATM he is being nice, but yes, I do know that it won't last long.

I'd love to go to the wedding without him, but I just know that I'll be quizzed about it all day long, and that would be even harder to bear. I'll just make sure that he's in very few of the official photos.

marisco wrote: »

I get the impression that it has been a very long time since you put yourself first or considered your needs and feelings to be important.

If you feel that you would benefit from counselling then arrange it. Either to go along together to talk things through with the help of a third party and hear his explanations for why he is doing this to you. Or go by yourself and get everything off your chest with someone who can be impartial and offer you helpful insights.

The impending wedding seems to worry you very much. OP in all honesty if any member of my family or friend were suffering as you were I would hope they would leave the situation as quickly as possible. I would hate to think that they would continue to be in such a destructive relationship, being treated so badly.

I would have nothing but respect for them for turning to me for help. No occasion in life is more important than the wellbeing of people you are closest to and love. Not a wedding, birth of a baby, christening, graduation, nothing.

Thank you. Your post made me cry more than any other so far. Because it brought something very painful to mind.

OK, deep breath now:

I was abused on a handful of occasions as a child by a family friend, a babysitter, and I've never reported it. And the reason is, his family and my family are very close, his parents are the two loveliest people you could ever meet, and to know this about their son would kill them.

They're now in their 80s. I couldn't live with myself if I caused them such pain. I often wonder if I'll finally bring it out into the open when they're gone. I feel like I need to, but not while they're alive.

BitterAndTwisted

If you've never been to counselling about the childhood abuse, I suggest that you go now. Right away. Experiences like that colour your whole world-view and your responses in relationships. Perhaps that's why you're finding it so terribly difficult to recognise his behaviour as abusive and therefore to take action.

paulineb_2

Ive been in relationships where people have been emotionally abusive to me. Its horrendous and in my experience people like that dont put all their cards on the table at once. My first bf, we were both 18 when we met, we were together for about a year and a half, it all unravelled at speed in the last 6 months of the relationship. He was working away, a long way away and I only saw him about once a month tops. I was constantly nit picked, criticised. He then left me and things got worse. I live in a small town and 2 of my friends were engaged to 2 of his so he was in my face all the time.

He spoke about me behind my back, he was very angry with me. He was probably angry at himself but it manifested in just constant going on at me. He had a dad who lived at home but really very emotionally distant and thats the only reason I can think why he viewed life the way he did.

He then pestered me for years on and off, because he was sorry for what he had done. My mums phrase was, leopards dont change their spots, he married but it lasted a year and hes not long got married again, he married twice within the space of about 4 years (which means nothing really, people do).

But the thing is, when you have someone who is constantly horrible to you when they werent always, you dont always have time to stand back and think, wait a minute, Im being picked at here. It can start with one thing, your hair, your weight, there was no big incident where I look back and think, thats when things changed.

And then you have this complex situation where someone you have loved and cared about and who says they love and care for you too is saying it, but acting the opposite.

Emotions dont always make you see sense. I was 19 at the time, Im 44 now and it took me a long time to get my head around why one person in my life spoke about me like I was such an idiot when so many other people liked me. And it affected my self esteem badly for a long time, thats the fallout from it.

Ive also watched other people, strong, independent people be reduced to wrecks because of mental and sometimes physical cruelty. My last relationship also wasnt very pleasant, it was much the same, but I left him, I stayed a lot longer than I should but I just simply one day told him to go away, leave me alone and stay out of my life.

Im not married and I didnt live with either of the people concerned, but its very easy to say on the outside looking in, if someone did this Id do that or if someone said this Id be gone.

I cant explain why its harder to get out than it should be, even if you know in your heart of hearts whats happening is wrong. In my last relationship I gave my ex every chance to change his ways, he was full of promises, but I actually realised that he wouldnt ever change, he didnt want to and if I stayed Id be stuck with someone emotionally abusive and absolutely distant

And when I did leave, I went home to my flat and I sat in it for a month, no nights out, no seeing friends, just happy at the absolute peace and quiet and not being lectured/harassed/nit picked/provoked into an argument.

Just peace. None of us can change the past, but we can make steps to change the future, thats all I know. It can be hard to let go of a relationship thats lasted 7 years, Ive been there, but unless there are some dramatic changes, stay and you'll be miserable for the next 30 odd.

And Im sure you know that.

tayforth

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If you've never been to counselling about the childhood abuse, I suggest that you go now. Right away. Experiences like that colour your whole world-view and your responses in relationships. Perhaps that's why you're finding it so terribly difficult to recognise his behaviour as abusive and therefore to take action.

I haven't.

OH knows about it, I told him a few years ago, but we don't talk about it much as I don't want it to define me IYKWIM.

But we were out with his friends a couple of weeks ago and he made a joke about Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter. I said that child abuse was hardly a subject worth joking about, trying to shut him up. But he didn't seem one bit bothered. The next day, I mentioned it calmly, telling him that it had upset me. He said that he didn't care and that I had no sense of humour. I left the house and didn't come back for hours. When I got back, he was very apologetic. But it still hurts that he was so callous.

This counselling is going to be very hard...

marisco_2

I am sorry that my post caused you upset and brought back painful memories of past abuse. It is incredibly brave of you to have shared this with us.

I left an extremely abusive marriage seven years ago. I would rather not go into details here because this thread is about you. However I can empathise with your feelings of detachment and feeling more and more closed off to your partner. What is happening is that you are slowly going numb. It is like your mind can only take so much and then it just cuts out and you cant feel anything or feel able to express to him what he is doing to you. This is not giving up or showing any sign of weakness it is just a coping mechanism.

I strongly back the recommendations to seek counselling over this and the past abuse you endured. You wont get any answers as such, there is no making sense of such action taken against someone. I found though that after a long time I could face what happened without it breaking me and found ways to not let it detrimentally effect my future. This is so important in being able to move on happily and to feel able to place your trust in people again.

bagpussbear

Hi OP, your thread has provoked many interesting and differing thoughts from people, I've enjoyed reading through (though obviously not 'enjoying' your sad situation, if you see what I mean)

I do feel - and said with the greatest respect to you - that I think you'd be best off separated at least for a while. I don't think you match each other well - for instance, I totally sympathise that he has been nasty but to look at it from his point of view, he has a wife that a) doesn't fancy him, b) has the hots for one of his friends and c) doesn't want sex with him. You are not really being the best wife for him, in the same way he is not being the best husband for you. Sorry, I really don't mean that to be hurtful when I say that, but why not separate for a little while and see if you miss him and want to reconcile?

I am very sorry to hear about the abuse, definitely get some counselling that will help you through that.