FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

liliesnlace85

Have you tried talking to him about how you feel?

If you're really set on being apart, I think as scary as it is to face up to the situation and do something about it, it's much scarier to stay with someone you're not happy with. If he's getting worse then surely it'll only continue that way. It's better to be alone than with someone you shouldn't be with - especially if he's not very nice to you. What a waste! life's too short.

You've made a really big step by coming on here and talking about it. It'll no doubt be one of the hardest things you'll have to do, and for months afterwards it'll be strange and difficult but if it's what you want it'll be so worth the upheaval.

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Of course not, but where they are such problems in a relationship that you can't bare to have sex with your newly wed husband, you don't marry him in the first place.

OP has said that isn't attracted to him, that she does all she can to avoid him. I'm about to marry my partner and yes, I do expect sex to come with it. Of course we might both face issues that mean we go without for some time, but then will expect these to be tackled and certainly hope they don't surface as soon as we are officially married. I would feel completely used and manipulated if I ever found out that he wasn't attracted to me and wouldn't want sex with me after we marry.

This is pretty clearly an emotionally abusive relationship, leaving those isn't always as easy as it seems from the outside. Look at the way he's 'insisting' on counselling, for example.

tayforth

I don't think that he knows that I like his friend. I really don't. They're not best friends btw, just two good friends in a group.

We've been having less and less sex throughout our relationship, as things have got worse. It didn't go from lots to none after our wedding.

He actually said the other week, "Would you be surprised if I slept with someone else, since we haven't been having sex?" - not as a threat, more in frustration, and I said no.

And to those who say that you're not surprised that he's fed up if we're not having sex, how do you think I feel? I've been sexually active with other guys before, and always have been capable of sexual desire - still am. It frustrates me enormously too.

If it's in any way relevant, my OH is the only man I've ever had sex with. I don't see this as relevant tbh; I've had intense sexual experiences with previous boyfriends and would *love* to have a full and satisfying sex life.

Alchemilla

If no children are involved just end it with as much tact and dignity as you can.

Next time you get married get some pre marriage counselling.

You will be surprised how being 35 is not the end of your romantic or reproductive life.

Telling how you call him OH.

all the best.x

marisco_2

tayforth wrote: »

And if we do break up, I'd like to think that it would be amicable, though he's made it clear that he wouldn't.

May I ask you if the abuse you are suffering has ever escalated beyond the way he talks to you and conducts himself in your relationship. Has he ever got physically violent?

FBaby

So why did you marry him? I just don't get this. It sounds like you were growing apart, you were falling out of love years ago, you fancied his friend, yet you went ahead and marry him. Makes no sense to me.

Orlando_Virgin

tayforth wrote: »

I don't think that he knows that I like his friend. I really don't. They're not best friends btw, just two good friends in a group.

We've been having less and less sex throughout our relationship, as things have got worse. It didn't go from lots to none after our wedding.

He actually said the other week, "Would you be surprised if I slept with someone else, since we haven't been having sex?" - not as a threat, more in frustration, and I said no.

And to those who say that you're not surprised that he's fed up if we're not having sex, how do you think I feel? I've been sexually active with other guys before, and always have been capable of sexual desire - still am. It frustrates me enormously too.

If it's in any way relevant, my OH is the only man I've ever had sex with. I don't see this as relevant tbh; I've had intense sexual experiences with previous boyfriends and would *love* to have a full and satisfying sex life.

I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon of "get rid of him immediately" because I don't know either of you at all to make that kind of statement. From what you've told us, it seems to me like you AND your partner have been unhappy for quite some time.

I can't fathom whether your current partner is not compatible with you and it brings out the worst in him, or if he is just generally a bit of a tool, which it sounds like he could be. Making a statement like "would it surprise you if I slept with someone else?" is INCREDIBLY disrespectful and to be honest, immature.

He doesn't seem to be aware that he's pushing you further and further away. I am not trying to tell you how you feel but try not to even think about the other guy just yet, you need to sort out your own priorities first, you will just make it incredibly messy otherwise.

Toto

The way I see it is that it makes no difference what so ever why you married him or why you didn't leave 4 years ago etc etc. You are at this point now and you need to decide where you go from here.

Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man? If you go to counselling can you see this being a relationship you want to work on and remain in for a lifetime?

If there is a part of you that remembers the way you used to feel for him and want that back, then go for counselling and work on your marriage.

If the answer is no, I really don't want this to be the only relationship I ever experience from here to the end of my days, then leave. Don't wait, don't lead your husband to believe things may change. For your sake and his release yourselves, so you can find the relationships you are supposed to be in.

You get one life don't waste it feeling so miserable x

FBaby

You say it yourself, he is frustrated, and that comes out either in anger, or desperation.

I think it is more than time that you show him some honesty. You have clearly fallen out of love for him a long time ago, before you got married it would seem, and you have no interest left it trying to work it out. You have already waited way too long to tell him how you truly feel. Give both of you a chance to move on, it is not fair on him to be led to believe that there is still a chance of saving your marriage.

Orlando_Virgin

FBaby wrote: »

You say it yourself, he is frustrated, and that comes out either in anger, or desperation.

I think it is more than time that you show him some honesty. You have clearly fallen out of love for him a long time ago, before you got married it would seem, and you have no interest left it trying to work it out. You have already waited way too long to tell him how you truly feel. Give both of you a chance to move on, it is not fair on him to be led to believe that there is still a chance of saving your marriage.

Yeah I agree with all that. it kind of feels like you have already made your mind up before you even started typing. It's just summoning up the courage to do it.