FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

IBJackJones

tayforth wrote: »

I should add that he is not nasty *all* the time. When I get really fed up, he usually makes an effort for a few days and, in that time, he can be super nice. On Friday night, he screamed at me because I was reading in bed and 'keeping him awake' (he had dozed off an hour before, but woke up to see my lamp still on and went mad). He was purple in the face and almost spitting with rage, calling me a selfish b*tch.

I left and went to sleep in the spare room. The next morning, I said that I'd had enough. He got really upset, apologised and said that he'd been stupid and awful and asked me to give him a chance. And he's been extra nice since. But is it too little, too late? Every time? How many times am I expected to give him another chance?

He's said some awful things to me in the past. On holiday 4 years ago, he called me a c**t one night. I actually packed my bag and was about to leave, but he persuaded me to forgive him.

Is it me? Should I be able to forgive and forget? Am I holding grudges? Or is he killing my feelings by a thousand cuts?

I'll be honest, if I had a hard days work and needed my 6-8 hours sleep and someone was keeping me up with a light on I wouldn't be too happy. I cannot sleep when the light is on as it disturbs me. My sleep is very important and if I don't get my sleep I find it very difficult the next day and in some cases even makes mistakes at work. He was wrong to snap and get so angry, maybe tell him to talk to you first and not snap. If he did ask you and you still kept your light on then I would say that's not very considerate on your part.

warwicktiger

tayforth wrote: »

We've been having less and less sex throughout our relationship, as things have got worse. It didn't go from lots to none after our wedding.

He actually said the other week, "Would you be surprised if I slept with someone else, since we haven't been having sex?" - not as a threat, more in frustration, and I said no.

Having read more of your replies today, then seen this now I feel like writing again. Him asking, and you answering this question in the way you have speaks volumes to me. I'm looking from the outside of course, but the very fact of you title for the thread as well now makes me think that you know inside that this marriage is over as a loving relationship.

I would ask yourself one question now, "Do I love him?". When you cannot say yes then you know what you must do, for no amount of talking or counselling will make you love him again as you once did.

Get them walking boots on. Sorry to put it that way, and if I am wrong and you can make it work then I would be happy for you.

neneromanova

I am amazed at some of your reactions!!

This emotional abuse has been happening over years by the sounds of it when he first called her a c*nt!

I personally wouldn't entertain councelling with him, but definately some on my own. He is a bully! Who wakes up and turns purple because they are so full of anger for someone having the light on?!

Jesus, I randomly turn the light on at night while I'm asleep which yes does annoy OH but he doesn't go mental! Hell, I even tickle him, tell him about the dinosaurs and the spiders at the end of the bed, ( yes I'm a very fun person to sleep next to) He just rolls over and tell me to go to sleep. That's what 2 people in a loving relationship do. And he's not getting it every night. He's lucky if he gets it once a month now due to me being pregnant and just not feeling up to it! He doesn't hold that against me.

By the sounds of it, your relationship has run its course and it's time to move on. You never know, This time next year, you might be with a lovely new man and up the duff. Things happen in weird ways. Just make sure you don't look back in 5 - 10 years time, still with this guy (who won't have changed 1 little bit) and wished you left then. You only have one life! Live it to it's full

BitterAndTwisted

tayforth wrote: »

Re the counselling - he's really insisting that we go, I do think that he's panicking though.

He can insist all he likes but cannot compel you to go.

And if we do go, I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold in everything that I feel. I really don't want to say hurtful things that I can't take back. And if we do break up, I'd like to think that it would be amicable, though he's made it clear that he wouldn't.

The whole purpose of counselling is to get your feelings out in the open, not to use the opportunity for wounding each other.

If he's made it clear that should you indeed split up and it wouldn't be amicable from his side, I'd take that as the implied threat it's intended to be.

You're in control and you're the one who can decide whether counselling is what you want, and you're the one who can decide to end the relationship if that is what you want, too.

From this end it sounds like he's a horrible bully but there must be some remnant of the man you fell in love with somewhere. Maybe that's worth persevering with but only you can decide whether it's going to be worth the effort or not. Sometimes far too much water has flowed under the bridge to want to.

BJV

My fault I never read all of your original thread, ( office computer)

Being nasty! Sorry never ever any excuse! No-one has the right to be like that.

Its called levels of acceptance. It starts small and then before you know it nasty becomes acceptable. The new norm and then it gets bigger. Then instead of emotionally making you feel bad it is physical. I little push, then bigger and bigger.

Leave and then get help.

PasturesNew

tayforth wrote: »

...7 years. We got married last year, ...being nasty to me, to the point where I don't think that I feel anything for him any more.

...I have feelings for one of his friends. I have always hoped that my feelings would lessen with time, but they haven't.

You shouldn't have got married. You both did it because you didn't know how to pull out .... shouldn't have done it. And now his answer is to get YOU to finish it because he doesn't know how to.

You need to have a frank discussion with him about this. Can't stay quiet, it won't change and having a talk can't make it any worse.

tayforth

OK, bit more time now to reply properly...

lippy1923 wrote: »

O I do feel for you You need to do the right thing for both of you and talk to him. Things may get heated, there may be tears but you have to get it out in the open and not let it eat away at you.

All that could happen after that is you either break up for good, or you both decide it's worth fighting for and work at it.

I would suggest contacting your GP for advice and possible treatment if you think you are depressed. There's nothing wrong in asking for help.

Sorry I can't be of more help x

I've phoned my GP this afternoon, I have an appointment with a counsellor on Monday (15th). TBH, I'm not sure that I can wait that long, so I'm thinking of phoning the Samaritans tonight, just to speak to someone. Now that I've started this thread, I feel like a dam has been opened. So thank you all.

geri1965 wrote: »

I think if you are sure about your feelings then there is only one thing to do and that is to end it. It's not fair on either of you to carry on living a lie.

Don't be scared of being on your own - it will open up a whole new world of freedom.

I really want to believe this.

BJV wrote: »

You are a long long time dead and as horrible as it sounds one of my worst fears is to be on my death bed and think I wish!

Talk to your OH and let him know how you feel and if you are sure absolutely sure then get a divorce.

Sort your self out and then see what happens. Don't forget that for you to be happy with someone else you have to be happy with yourself first. No relationship is perfect as perfection does not exist but you need to stop punishing yourself for not being happy.

Really hope that you feel better soon.

This is how I feel too. And thanks very much x

tayforth

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

If you think you might be depressed, it's worth a visit to your GP and see if he can prescribe you anything to give you a lift. Depression can easily cloud your judgement and if you get yourself on meds, you might be able to think more clearly and objectively about your situation. And not feel so hopeless / helpless.

You might not really have feelings for your hubby's friend - if you're feeling unloved at home, it wouldn't surprising that you're perhaps confusing affection for something else?

Poor you. I'm assuming there are no kids involved? And don't feel guilty about not being sexually attracted to your hubby. Good looks don't necessary equal sex appeal!

This is why I'm going. I want to be sure that I'm making rational decisions. But tbh, I think that our relationship is my biggest problem. I'm seeing the counsellor on my own, btw.

londonsurrey wrote: »

It's called domestic violence. Emotional domestic violence. Get counselling. If he doesn't participate fully, not grudgingly, then don't waste any more time, and leave.

I actually froze when I read your post. I have hesitated to call it that, but perhaps you're right.

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

I split with my ex-girlfriend about 3 weeks ago. It never got nasty or anything like that, but she wasn't happy within herself and she felt she had to tell me that because it was unfair to pretend and try to keep going.

It hurts, but I respect her a ton for having "the balls" to say it.

I couldn't imagine trying to live a lie, don't do that to yourself.

Thanks for that. I'm glad that it wasn't nasty. May I ask what the circumstances were? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

tayforth

Amanda65 wrote: »

So OP what do YOU want to do? Can you see a future with your OH? Has anything been said about the fact that you have only had sex once since your wedding and spend time apart? Why do you think he's depressed?

I think you need to sit down and try and draw up a list of 'ideals' of where you would like to be in say 5 years time. Then sit down with OH and work out whether you are heading in the same direction, want the same thing and can achieve these goals together - if not then as hard as it is now maybe you should consider whether you would be happier apart.

Are there any children involved?

Edited as now seen post #6. This is NOT normal behaviour and you do not have to put up with it.

I'm the one who's (potentially) depressed, just to clarify Although he may be too, for all I know.

And yes, we've talked about the lack of sex, affection, respect.

I'll do the 5-year thing as you suggested - thanks x

tea_lover wrote: »

Would he consider counselling? Relate were a great help to me when my marriage ended. If wasn't a magic cure, if anything it made it clear that we really should split up, but it was good to have someone else in the room.

If he won't even consider it I think you might have your answer.

ETA: fwiw, we split up just under 8 weeks after getting married.

Can I ask you as well what your circumstances were? Sorry if I'm being nosy xx

tayforth

Mojisola wrote: »

This isn't new behaviour from him so, now you've recognised it, for your sake you need to act.

Living with someone who acts like this could well make you depressed.

I'm starting to think the same way. I'm still at work and dreading going home. I just don't feel happy there, and I hate that.

marisco wrote: »

What you are suffering here is emotional abuse. It will follow a pattern. Everything will be okay for a few days, then you will do something that will trigger an outburst, often trivial. He most likely becomes aggressive verbally and scares and humiliates you. Then because he is frightened of you seeing through him he changes tack, apologisies and goes out of his way to be nice. Have I got this right?

Yes, this is more or less exactly it. When he's nice, he's very nice, and we've had some great times, don't get me wrong. But the bad behaviour outweighs it for me now. My love and respect for him have been eroded and chipped away at, and I'm not sure if they can ever be restored.

I used to get very upset, crying, the lot. These days, I'm less upset, more detached, and just cold. And it gets to him far more than the crying ever did. But, ironically, I don't care about his reaction or whether he's sorry any more. I'm just - withdrawing from him enotionally, I suppose.

marisco wrote: »

If someone who was my partner spoke to me or treated me in the ways the OP is describing I would not want to be physically close to them either.

Aggression and blatant nastiness are not conducive to encouraging anyone to want to be intimate with you. All it achieves is to ruin the relationship and to erode any loving feelings that someone once felt for you. Love is replaced by fear and mistrust.

Maybe it is just me but to be able to have any sexual attraction to someone I have to be able to trust, love and respect them.

I think your comment greatly undermines what the OP is going through and insults her.

Thank you. You put it so well xx