FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

Mojisola

tayforth wrote: »

I should add that he is not nasty *all* the time. When I get really fed up, he usually makes an effort for a few days and, in that time, he can be super nice. On Friday night, he screamed at me because I was reading in bed and 'keeping him awake' (he had dozed off an hour before, but woke up to see my lamp still on and went mad). He was purple in the face and almost spitting with rage, calling me a selfish b*tch.

I left and went to sleep in the spare room. The next morning, I said that I'd had enough. He got really upset, apologised and said that he'd been stupid and awful and asked me to give him a chance. And he's been extra nice since. But is it too little, too late? Every time? How many times am I expected to give him another chance?

He's said some awful things to me in the past. On holiday 4 years ago, he called me a c**t one night. I actually packed my bag and was about to leave, but he persuaded me to forgive him.

Is it me? Should I be able to forgive and forget? Am I holding grudges? Or is he killing my feelings by a thousand cuts?

This isn't new behaviour from him so, now you've recognised it, for your sake you need to act.

Living with someone who acts like this could well make you depressed.

marisco_2

tayforth wrote: »

I should add that he is not nasty *all* the time. When I get really fed up, he usually makes an effort for a few days and, in that time, he can be super nice. On Friday night, he screamed at me because I was reading in bed and 'keeping him awake' (he had dozed off an hour before, but woke up to see my lamp still on and went mad). He was purple in the face and almost spitting with rage, calling me a selfish b*tch.

I left and went to sleep in the spare room. The next morning, I said that I'd had enough. He got really upset, apologised and said that he'd been stupid and awful and asked me to give him a chance. And he's been extra nice since. But is it too little, too late? Every time? How many times am I expected to give him another chance?

He's said some awful things to me in the past. On holiday 4 years ago, he called me a c**t one night. I actually packed my bag and was about to leave, but he persuaded me to forgive him.

Is it me? Should I be able to forgive and forget? Am I holding grudges? Or is he killing my feelings by a thousand cuts?

What you are suffering here is emotional abuse. It will follow a pattern. Everything will be okay for a few days, then you will do something that will trigger an outburst, often trivial. He most likely becomes aggressive verbally and scares and humiliates you. Then because he is frightened of you seeing through him he changes tack, apologisies and goes out of his way to be nice. Have I got this right?

Mojisola

tayforth wrote: »

On Friday night, he screamed at me because I was reading in bed and 'keeping him awake' (he had dozed off an hour before, but woke up to see my lamp still on and went mad). He was purple in the face and almost spitting with rage, calling me a selfish b*tch.

This is not normal behaviour!

tayforth

There are no kids involved. I'm 35, and well aware of what that means as well if we split up...

Thanks all of you so far. I'm reading your responses with tears in my eyes.

Orlando_Virgin

tayforth wrote: »

There are no kids involved. I'm 35, and well aware of what that means as well if we split up...

Thanks all of you so far. I'm reading your responses with tears in my eyes.

I know this is a cliche, and it might not seem like it, but everything will be OK, no matter what. 3 weeks ago I felt like my life had been absolutely ruined. I still have ups and downs now, but I'm already feeling better.

It sounds like you already know what you need to do, and I know it will be hard, but you need to do it.

marisco_2

Gloomendoom wrote: »

If I had only had sex once in the past year I think I might be a bit grumpy too.

If someone who was my partner spoke to me or treated me in the ways the OP is describing I would not want to be physically close to them either.

Aggression and blatant nastiness are not conducive to encouraging anyone to want to be intimate with you. All it achieves is to ruin the relationship and to erode any loving feelings that someone once felt for you. Love is replaced by fear and mistrust.

Maybe it is just me but to be able to have any sexual attraction to someone I have to be able to trust, love and respect them.

I think your comment greatly undermines what the OP is going through and insults her.

tayforth

To those suggesting counselling; I begged him to come with me for a long time but he always refused. Now he's suggesting it. I think that he's panicking, thinking that I'm closer to leaving him than I ever have been. Should we go? Even just to be sure that we should split up? So that I can say that I gave it one last shot?

Also, my sister is getting married in 4 weeks. I don't want us to break up in the interim, it would be horrid for my family and take the shine off the wedding preparations.

But do I want him in their wedding photos for years to come?

God, the stupid things that occur to me...

Orlando_Virgin

tayforth wrote: »

To those suggesting counselling; I begged him to come with me for a long time but he always refused. Now he's suggesting it. I think that he's panicking, thinking that I'm closer to leaving him than I ever have been. Should we go? Even just to be sure that we should split up? So that I can say that I gave it one last shot?

Also, one of my siblings is getting married in 4 weeks. I don't want us to break up in the interim, it would be horrid for my family and take the shine off the wedding preparations.

But do I want him in their wedding photos for years to come?

God, the stupid things that occur to me...

I think it would be foolish not to at least go to the counselling. The only thing I would say is that he needs to go with the right frame of mind, not just because he thinks his marriage is in jeopardy and he's scared.

From his behaviour he sounds quite unhappy in himself too, like he has surpressed anger and emotions. And your his primary target.

BitterAndTwisted

Of course you don't have any sexual feelings for him if he's being beastly to you! Who would?

The whole thing would make anyone depressed.

I suspect you may have had a growing realisation that you may have made a mistake. That is a depressing thought but not one you can't extricate yourself from.

Any man who called me the C word would be history in a trice. I reckon you should have gone ahead and dumped him then.

Do you think you might be focussing on his chum purely because things with your husband are so unfavourable, and not necessarily because he really is the right one?

Get packing. I would have done it a long time ago.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

tayforth wrote: »

To those suggesting counselling; I begged him to come with me for a long time but he always refused. Now he's suggesting it. I think that he's panicking, thinking that I'm closer to leaving him than I ever have been. Should we go? Even just to be sure that we should split up? So that I can say that I gave it one last shot?

Also, one of my siblings is getting married in 4 weeks. I don't want us to break up in the interim, it would be horrid for my family and take the shine off the wedding preparations.

But do I want him in their wedding photos for years to come?

God, the stupid things that occur to me...

He is saying that he will go to counseling because it pacifies you.You really should have left when he called you a c**t. You do not want him in your sibling's wedding photos now do you?

If you want to go to counseling then go. But to be honest, perhaps you are due a good night out with your family without him just to see what it could be like.