FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

warwicktiger

tayforth wrote: »

There are no kids involved. I'm 35, and well aware of what that means as well if we split up...


35? 25?45? 55? Makes no difference.

If he behaves as you describe then if you are not depressed then you soon will be. I lost the love of my life three years ago because of my behaviour, not nearly as bad but I forgot to keep caring for her, after a lot longer than 7 years.

Is there any kind of explanation for his conduct? I'm thinking work, family, health stress?

I would suggest a long chat. Does he know what he is doing to you? Does he care? Lay it on the line how unhappy you are. If there are no reasons, just a promise to change then give your self a timescale (3 months?), without telling him and if there is no change then its time for that hard decision.

Either way, please do not run into the arms of his friend, not because they are friends although it would make it worse. Take your own time out. Its taken me over two years to realise that I am not dead yet and hopefully still have plenty of life to live. Now I look forward not back.

tea_lover

If it was me, I'd still go to counselling. However, be prepared for him to change his mind about turning up when it actually comes down to it. He's being nice for now but you already know that doesn't last very long.

Counselling isn't just about 'fixing' relationships. It's also about coming to terms with them being over, and helping you (both) find ways to move forward.

If you don't get anything else out of it, at least you'll know that you were prepared to give it a go, even if he wasn't.

Maybe you could go to the wedding on your own but just say he's ill or something? Not ideal I realise, but it buys you some time if you're not ready to speak to your family about this right now.

marisco_2

I get the impression that it has been a very long time since you put yourself first or considered your needs and feelings to be important.

If you feel that you would benefit from counselling then arrange it. Either to go along together to talk things through with the help of a third party and hear his explanations for why he is doing this to you. Or go by yourself and get everything off your chest with someone who can be impartial and offer you helpful insights.

The impending wedding seems to worry you very much. OP in all honesty if any member of my family or friend were suffering as you were I would hope they would leave the situation as quickly as possible. I would hate to think that they would continue to be in such a destructive relationship, being treated so badly.

I would have nothing but respect for them for turning to me for help. No occasion in life is more important than the wellbeing of people you are closest to and love. Not a wedding, birth of a baby, christening, graduation, nothing.

Bangton

Do you want to salvage things? Or, have you already decided you want to go but need that courage to do it?

How was the relationship before you married?

Relationships can hit on hard times and if all was hunky dory for the first 6 years prior to your marriage then a year really isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. However, something has changed in him to make him think it's acceptable to behave the way he is.

My answer is never just to leave someone as I think it's far too easy to say that on a forum when I know not the full side of the story...but you do and only you. Do you ever call him names? Has it become the norm in your relationship?

My partner and I seldom fight but when we do we call each other names....I can't lie. It doesn't make it right but over 12 yrs together we have reinforced this behaviour in each other. It doesn't hurt me or him so I guess I see it as acceptable. Maybe he just can't see that he is genuinely hurting you.

Why don't you discuss how you feel when all is calm rather than after a spat so he can see it's not a direct reaction to him upsetting you at the time and more how you feel on a constant basis?

I'm not saying you should stay...you should do what you feel is the right thing. If my relationship soured now I might count the 12 yrs prior as amazing and be more willing to work through things. If it was sour from the word go...maybe not. Only you know.......but please don't stick around out of fear...stick around if that's what YOU want.

ETA: I've just seen your more recent post re the counseling...I think you should go and give him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he does care enough to work through it. If he doesn't turn up then you know the commitment isn't there...

Noctu

tayforth wrote: »

Also, one of my siblings is getting married in 4 weeks. I don't want us to break up in the interim, it would be horrid for my family and take the shine off the wedding preparations.

But do I want him in their wedding photos for years to come?

I wouldn't worry too much about the photos (I can see where you're coming from though) - make sure you get lots of pics of you and your sibling together, and maybe your parents and the kids (you, your sibling, any other siblings). Those are the ones that will be cherished.

You could use this 4 weeks to quietly put plans into place - finances, sorting out where you're going to live, divorce papers, solicitor - which you could execute after the wedding.

Noctu

Also from the sounds of it I wouldn't want to be anywhere near an abusive man like this. Relationship counselling can only do so much, it can't change the essence of the person underneath. You deserve better.

Joons

What was it like prior to getting married, the 6 years you were together, when did it all go terribly wrong? If it's only a year since the marriage, perhaps counselling or giving it one last go is worth a shot? It sounds like you are unsuitable and perhaps the name calling etc is his frustration although totally unacceptable. What was your reason for wanting to marry him?

Mojisola

Joons wrote: »

What was your reason for wanting to marry him?

And when he's next being nasty, ask him the same question - "If I'm so awful, why did you marry me?"

nzmegs

be careful about couples counselling. It isn't actually recommended in cases of emotional / verbal abuse. the abuser tends to use the opportunity to turn it around on the victim and justify their actions. if they are very clever they will get the counsellor on their side and the victim feels worse than ever. Individual counselling might be better.

tayforth

Re the counselling - he's really insisting that we go, I do think that he's panicking though. And if we do go, I'm not sure if I'll be able to hold in everything that I feel. I really don't want to say hurtful things that I can't take back. And if we do break up, I'd like to think that it would be amicable, though he's made it clear that he wouldn't.

I don't call him names, nor do I shout, apart from to tell him to keep his voice down as we live in a terraced house and I'm so mortified at the thought that the neighbours can hear our arguments. Lately, though, I have begun to retaliate by swearing at him and storming off, which makes me feel ashamed.

Thanks for those who said not to act on my feelings for his friend (whom I'll call Sam). I do think that they are genuine feelings, FWIW. I got to know them both through a mutual friend.

Here's the story, I'll try to keep it short. One long weekend in 2006, a group of us went camping, sharing a huge tent. Sam and I had always got along, and one night we were in adjacent sleeping bags and his hand crept over to mine and held it. I knew that he was awake and he knew that I was awake, but we never spoke, just rubbed each other's palms and twisted our fingers together. It was lovely.

Unfortunately, he had to leave the next morning and we never got a chance to speak privately with the others around once we all woke up. I didn't see him for weeks afterwards and, in that time, OH and I got together. How I regret that. I do think that he liked me then, and I wish that things had been different.

Not just next to my OH, but in general, he is the kindest, most decent guy I've ever known and I'm also physically attracted to him, to the point where I can hardly bear to be in his company as I find it hard to keep up a front.