FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

ERICS_MUM

Personally I would be getting out fast, and I don't say this lightly.

Barring a miracle or a sustained effort on his part to really change his behaviour and manage his temper, his behaviour will probably escalate and eventuallyturn physically violent. What would he be like if you had children and they annoyed him ?

Perhaps I'm being too hard-faced, but I don't think people like your DH can really change their personalities/characteristics, nor even want to.

I do hope you can decide what to do and then manage to come through it.

Linda xx

Person_one

tayforth wrote: »

Re the counselling - he's really insisting that we go

He can't insist that you do anything. Its entirely up to you.

I'd leave without a backward glance if I were you. Don't even consider staying with him for fertility reasons, can you imagine how he'd treat a child that was in his power?

tayforth

I'll reply to everyone indiviually later when I'm at home, btw xx

Gloomendoom

marisco wrote: »

If someone who was my partner spoke to me or treated me in the ways the OP is describing I would not want to be physically close to them either.

Aggression and blatant nastiness are not conducive to encouraging anyone to want to be intimate with you. All it achieves is to ruin the relationship and to erode any loving feelings that someone once felt for you. Love is replaced by fear and mistrust.

Maybe it is just me but to be able to have any sexual attraction to someone I have to be able to trust, love and respect them.

I think your comment greatly undermines what the OP is going through and insults her.

If that is the case then I apologise to her. All I was doing was pointing out that her husband possibly feels very frustrated, not only from a sexual point of view, but also emotionally. His new wife has withdrawn from him, that can't be healthy for man's state of mind. I am left wondering if she has withdrawn because of his bad behaviour or is his bad behaviour the result of her becoming withdrawn.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing his behaviour but then people can act out of character when under extreme stress.

tayforth

Gloomendoom wrote: »

If that is the case then I apologise to her. All I was doing was pointing out that her husband possibly feels very frustrated, not only from a sexual point of view, but also emotionally. His new wife has withdrawn from him, that can't be healthy for man's state of mind. I am left wondering if she has withdrawn because of his bad behaviour or is his bad behaviour the result of her becoming withdrawn.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing his behaviour but then people can act out of character when under extreme stress.

Thank you for apologising.

I've withdrawn because of his behaviour.

To those who asked, this behaviour has been going on for a long time - probably from about a year into our relationship, though it's got gradually worse (like the proverbial frog in water). And yes, I am a fool for having stayed with him, and I think back to the time he called me a c**t and wish that I'd left him then (at 31).

tea_lover

tayforth wrote: »

Not just next to my OH, but in general, he is the kindest, most decent guy I've ever known and I'm also physically attracted to him, to the point where I can hardly bear to be in his company as I find it hard to keep up a front.

Does your husband know this? Or suspect it? I'm not excusing his behaviour of course, but if he knew his wife fancies his best friend it could well be messing with his head.

If your relationship was good before you got married is there a chance someone commented on the situation to your OH - maybe at his stag do?

But to reiterate - I'm not saying there's any excuse for screaming at you or calling or names.

FBaby

Playing devil's advocate, some men would say that being denied sex by your newly wed wife for over a year is not easy and could lead to some aggression as a result of expressed frustration.

I am not very clear how it all came down to this. Is it a case that you married because you wanted to be married and the minute you did, you realised you didn't care much about him? You don't suddenly decide you are not attracted to a partner, it is usually a gradual thing. Haven't you discussed the lack of sex at any point during all this time?

FBaby

oops, I got interrupted by the phone, so started writing my post before the latest ones.

In that case, it really wasn't fair to go on with the wedding. Do you know why you did?

Person_one

FBaby wrote: »

Playing devil's advocate, some men would say that being denied sex by your newly wed wife for over a year is not easy and could lead to some aggression as a result of expressed frustration.

I am not very clear how it all came down to this. Is it a case that you married because you wanted to be married and the minute you did, you realised you didn't care much about him? You don't suddenly decide you are not attracted to a partner, it is usually a gradual thing. Haven't you discussed the lack of sex at any point during all this time?

I'm sorry, being 'denied' sex?

Is sex something that women owe men as some sort of payment for treating them like humans or is sex something that loving couples do because they both find it desirable and fulfilling?

FBaby

Of course not, but where they are such problems in a relationship that you can't bare to have sex with your newly wed husband, you don't marry him in the first place.

OP has said that isn't attracted to him, that she does all she can to avoid him. I'm about to marry my partner and yes, I do expect sex to come with it. Of course we might both face issues that mean we go without for some time, but then will expect these to be tackled and certainly hope they don't surface as soon as we are officially married. I would feel completely used and manipulated if I ever found out that he wasn't attracted to me and wouldn't want sex with me after we marry.