FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

Kayalana99 wrote: »

You really need to decide what to do about this car, it really isnt good car sharing after he's moved all his stuff out but I understand why you can't just say no you can't ever use it...

As for the above it just sounds like he was trying to make you feel bad and suceeded. Another controlive techinque of trying to get to you.

Don't feel bad that it got to you though, be happy he will be out of your life 100% soon xxx

Edit: Just a thought you said you had savings...would it be worth paying him off for half the car?

Id get it in writting if you did though as *if* you do end up in courts with a messy divorce you don't want to be paying twice for it!

I just want to make sure that I have a car for my sister's wedding (have to drive my mum and aunt), I don't care after that. And I don't want it. It's too big and uneconomical. He wanted a big car, I didn't. I'd be happy with a tiny car. After the wedding, I'll tell him that either he buys it from me or we sell it. And fast. End of story.

And I hope to goodness that we don't end up in court.

You're right, I think that that's what he was doing. And I won't let it get to me. In fact, I'll see it as another confirmation that I'm doing the right thing.

Alpha58

Just a thought - I was reading the post about the car-sharing agreement and something occurred to me. I'm a man and therefore think in simplistic terms and I'm sure you will have already thought of this but...

I know that everything is written down here but make sure you keep a log of everything you have done, what was said, what you perceived to be the reaction: you almost certainly will end up in court at some point, or at least be in the position of preparing a witness statement, so get your facts written down. Use a new notebook, preferably with pre-numbered pages and make sure you sign and date everything. Immediately afterwards is best although as long as you can remember clearly, note that date and time as well as the date that you made the notes. I know it sounds a bit like "The Bill" but it will strengthen your evidence, should it ever come to that.

As I said, I am sure you are already doing this so don't be offended by the suggestion.

Stick with it, you are doing great. "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals." (Henry Ford).

tayforth

Alpha58 wrote: »

Just a thought - I was reading the post about the car-sharing agreement and something occurred to me. I'm a man and therefore think in simplistic terms and I'm sure you will have already thought of this but...

I know that everything is written down here but make sure you keep a log of everything you have done, what was said, what you perceived to be the reaction: you almost certainly will end up in court at some point, or at least be in the position of preparing a witness statement, so get your facts written down. Use a new notebook, preferably with pre-numbered pages and make sure you sign and date everything. Immediately afterwards is best although as long as you can remember clearly, note that date and time as well as the date that you made the notes. I know it sounds a bit like "The Bill" but it will strengthen your evidence, should it ever come to that.

As I said, I am sure you are already doing this so don't be offended by the suggestion.

Stick with it, you are doing great. "Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goals." (Henry Ford).

I hadn't thought of any of that. Should I?

The only things of any value that we've bought together are the car, the bed and the PC. TBH, if he runs off with the car, he'll just be showing himself up as a dishonest person.

So do I really need to start gathering evidence and recording everything?

Alpha58

It's not just about the material possessions, it's about recording behaviour and making sure that you have a clear and unbiased set of notes about what was said and done, if only to demonstrate that you have been reasonable. Incidentally, and just to be on the safe side, if you hand over the PC make sure that all traces of browsing history are removed if you have been shopping online or using online banking services. Better still have the hard drive reformatted before you hand it over - not saying it would happen but you wouldn't want mysterious charges on your Amazon account or to find out that you have bought a ride-on lawnmower on ebay. Not paranoia, just good sense!

zzzLazyDaisy

tayforth wrote: »

To which I said nothing. I didn't want to carry on the conversation, I don't know what he was trying to do but I didn't like it.

Then when I came off the phone I felt bad, as if I'd let him get to me.

Don't feel bad.

You didn't 'let' him get to you. You didn't 'let' him do anything.

HE tried to make you feel bad - that was something HE did.

What YOU did was to listen to your intuition. You didn't know what he was trying to do... he will always be one step ahead of you there, because you are coming from an honest place of integrity and he just isn't... but you knew you didn't like what was going on and you acted on that feeling.

You should feel GOOD about that :T

tayforth

Alpha58 wrote: »

It's not just about the material possessions, it's about recording behaviour and making sure that you have a clear and unbiased set of notes about what was said and done, if only to demonstrate that you have been reasonable. Incidentally, and just to be on the safe side, if you hand over the PC make sure that all traces of browsing history are removed if you have been shopping online or using online banking services. Better still have the hard drive reformatted before you hand it over - not saying it would happen but you wouldn't want mysterious charges on your Amazon account or to find out that you have bought a ride-on lawnmower on ebay. Not paranoia, just good sense!

I hadn't thought of that either.

I'll start recording it all now. And I'll try to record back as far as Monday while it's fresh in my mind.

This isn't my style at all, I feel awful. I hope that I never have to use it.

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Don't feel bad.

You didn't 'let' him get to you. You didn't 'let' him do anything.

HE tried to make you feel bad - that was something HE did.

What YOU did was to listen to your intuition. You didn't know what he was trying to do... he will always be one step ahead of you there, because you are coming from an honest place of integrity and he just isn't... but you knew you didn't like what was going on and you acted on that feeling.

You should feel GOOD about that :T

Thank you. Looking at it like that, I suppose you're right. I feel better now.

I've just spoken to a solicitor and she reckons that we have grounds for annulment. I rang him and told him. He seems fine about it. I wonder if he's shocked that I'm moving so fast, I hope so. :cool: He wants to know how much it will be before agreeing to split the costs (tight git).

If he gets awkward or won't split the costs, I'll say, "Fine then, I'll just file for divorce in a few months, citing your unreasonable behaviour, of which I have proof because you admitted it in several emails, and if you contest it, you'll be paying for the lot."

Sorry if that was a little horrid of me.

zzzLazyDaisy

tayforth wrote: »

I hadn't thought of any of that. Should I?

The only things of any value that we've bought together are the car, the bed and the PC. TBH, if he runs off with the car, he'll just be showing himself up as a dishonest person.

So do I really need to start gathering evidence and recording everything?

Probably not. See your solicitor and get his/her advice. If you need to go for a divorce rather than an annulment, then you need to bring the reasons for the breakdown of the relationship within certain categories. One is a two year separation with consent - I wouldn't advise you to go for that, because the very fact that he can prevent you getting on with your life by with-holding consent, will allow him to feel that he still has control over you - and as a solicitor I saw that happen - even by a man who had banged his wife's head against the wall while she was recovering from an operation to remove a brain tumour but insisted that the relationship had not broken down and he would not give consent.

The usual one to go for is that the other person has behaved in such as way that it is unreasonable to expect the petitioner to continue with the relationship (usually shortened to 'unreasonable behaviour'). And yes, if you go down that route, you will need to give examples of his behaviour that you feel is not reasonable for you to continue to live with (but it is your perception that matters, and no-one is going to say that what you are saying isn't unreasonable enough).

Re the financial situation - to be honest it gets much more complicated when children and/or property is concerned. You are renting and don't have anything of value, so it becomes less of an issue because there is less to fight over and less to lose. Personally I wouldn't give him the pc if you have been using it, and if you do, I'd take the hard-drive out - even taking it back to factory settings doesn't necessarily make it safe, as my friend found out (her ex gave her son his old laptop having wiped it... and the son who was a bit of a whizz, recovered a LOT of incriminating evidence about his father and his financial and sexual affair)

Gotta run - youb are doing well x

heartbreak_star

tayforth wrote: »

I just want to make sure that I have a car for my sister's wedding (have to drive my mum and aunt),

Hire a car for the weekend!

Get a lovely luxury one as a treat for those three days - it's really not that expensive (maybe a convertible? have a zoom round with the top down?)

HBS x

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Probably not. See your solicitor and get his/her advice. If you need to go for a divorce rather than an annulment, then you need to bring the reasons for the breakdown of the relationship within certain categories. One is a two year separation with consent - I wouldn't advise you to go for that, because the very fact that he can prevent you getting on with your life by with-holding consent, will allow him to feel that he still has control over you - and as a solicitor I saw that happen - even by a man who had banged his wife's head against the wall while she was recovering from an operation to remove a brain tumour but insisted that the relationship had not broken down and he would not give consent.

The usual one to go for is that the other person has behaved in such as way that it is unreasonable to expect the petitioner to continue with the relationship (usually shortened to 'unreasonable behaviour'). And yes, if you go down that route, you will need to give examples of his behaviour that you feel is not reasonable for you to continue to live with (but it is your perception that matters, and no-one is going to say that what you are saying isn't unreasonable enough).

Re the financial situation - to be honest it gets much more complicated when children and/or property is concerned. You are renting and don't have anything of value, so it becomes less of an issue because there is less to fight over and less to lose. Personally I wouldn't give him the pc if you have been using it, and if you do, I'd take the hard-drive out - even taking it back to factory settings doesn't necessarily make it safe, as my friend found out (her ex gave her son his old laptop having wiped it... and the son who was a bit of a whizz, recovered a LOT of incriminating evidence about his father and his financial and sexual affair)

Gotta run - youb are doing well x

Just noticed your sig! Would you mind if I PMed you about a little legal matter? I'll understand if you say no, and I hope that you don't mind me asking.

What a terribly sad story, that poor poor woman and as for the son finding out about his dad's misdeeds, OMG!

I might suggest that he keeps the car and I keep the bed and PC, and he gives me half the difference in value. Would that work?

Re his behaviour, he's admitted it in emails and letters, so I have plenty of proof there (I think so anyway!). He can't deny it.

Thanks again btw xxx