FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

spirit

paulineb wrote: »

I think it would be a bit ridiculous to be having a root around given that they've lived together in the flat for some time.

As has already been said, its still technically his home as well, hes agreed to leave even though the name is on the lease.

Yes his behaviour has been poor but by the sounds of things, hes accepted responsibility for the issues that led to the split, hes telling friends about it without being negative.

So I dont think allowing someone back into their home to collect their things should be a massive big deal, if hes been adult enough to leave quietly he should be adult enough to let himself in, get his stuff and leave.

Except that some people do root around. Some people find it difficult to accept that the relationship has been ended without the partner having found someone else first, so they look for 'evidence' to support this.

Nor do I think that abusers have a lightbulb moment after years of giving abuse. he might be saying all the right things for now, but I would be very surprised if he gives up that easily.

tayforth

Friend #2 (the one I told on Tuesday) also phoned me and gave me a nice pep talk and said that I would be ok. Which has given me a real boost. Bless her heart.

tayforth

spirit wrote: »

Except that some people do root around. Some people find it difficult to accept that the relationship has been ended without the partner having found someone else first, so they look for 'evidence' to support this.

Nor do I think that abusers have a lightbulb moment after years of giving abuse. he might be saying all the right things for now, but I would be very surprised if he gives up that easily.

I hadn't even thought that he might think that I'd cheated on him; he knows my views on cheating (I have never and would never do it).

As for your second point, I totally agree. I don't believe that he will ever truly change, which is why I ended it. And I agree that he may be saying all the right things ATM in the hope that he'll double bluff me and I'll go back to him. Which I know I won't. It's 100% over for me and I've told him so, very clearly. But does he believe me????

As I said above, he's not collecting his stuff today. In a way, I wish that he was. Then (a) his stuff would be gone, and (b) I'd know in a few hours whether he's been up to no good while I've been out of the house. Now I will wonder about it for the next few days or however long it takes him to do it.

spirit

Eek, just watching All New Trisha. It's about abusive, controlling men. Well I say men, it should be males as these specimens are not men.

tayforth

spirit wrote: »

Eek, just watching All New Trisha. It's about abusive, controlling men. Well I say men, it should be males as these specimens are not men.

I would probably find it very distressing to watch something like that right now. I cried my eyes out on Tuesday night watching Mandy's storyline on The Syndicate. Far too close to home.

duckeggblue

tayforth wrote: »

I hadn't even thought that he might think that I'd cheated on him; he knows my views on cheating (I have never and would never do it).

As for your second point, I totally agree. I don't believe that he will ever truly change, which is why I ended it. And I agree that he may be saying all the right things ATM in the hope that he'll double bluff me and I'll go back to him. Which I know I won't. It's 100% over for me and I've told him so, very clearly. But does he believe me????

As I said above, he's not collecting his stuff today. In a way, I wish that he was. Then (a) his stuff would be gone, and (b) I'd know in a few hours whether he's been up to no good while I've been out of the house. Now I will wonder about it for the next few days or however long it takes him to do it.

Try to distract yourself by doing nice stuff, your nearly there.:j

paulineb_2

tayforth wrote: »

I hadn't even thought that he might think that I'd cheated on him; he knows my views on cheating (I have never and would never do it).

As for your second point, I totally agree. I don't believe that he will ever truly change, which is why I ended it. And I agree that he may be saying all the right things ATM in the hope that he'll double bluff me and I'll go back to him. Which I know I won't. It's 100% over for me and I've told him so, very clearly. But does he believe me????

As I said above, he's not collecting his stuff today. In a way, I wish that he was. Then (a) his stuff would be gone, and (b) I'd know in a few hours whether he's been up to no good while I've been out of the house. Now I will wonder about it for the next few days or however long it takes him to do it.

Well, why dont you let him know you'll pack his stuff for him and you can text him and tell him you want it picked up by a certain date.

It means when he does turn up all he is doing is collecting bags rather than having to be in the flat for an hour or two.

Its not an unreasonable thing to do. If you have spare time just do it, tell him you are doing it and then he can come and collect it.

I know you might not want to spend time packing his stuff, but you can get it together, text him and ask him to collect it at a time that you will be in.

Rather than stressing over when hes going to come for his things.

tayforth

duckeggblue wrote: »

Try to distract yourself by doing nice stuff, your nearly there.:j

Thank you. I'm so grateful for all the practical suggestions - especially about changing the house around so that it's more 'mine'. Why didn't I think of that! It makes so much sense. Also, it gives me something to do, as I love that sort of thing and my ex criticised my taste so much.

paulineb wrote: »

Well, why dont you let him know you'll pack his stuff for him and you can text him and tell him you want it picked up by a certain date.

It means when he does turn up all he is doing is collecting bags rather than having to be in the flat for an hour or two.

Its not an unreasonable thing to do. If you have spare time just do it, tell him you are doing it and then he can come and collect it.

I know you might not want to spend time packing his stuff, but you can get it together, text him and ask him to collect it at a time that you will be in.

Rather than stressing over when hes going to come for his things.

I know that this makes sense, but I already have most of his things sitting neatly on and beside the dining table. He just has to lift them out into the car. Short of putting them in boxes, I can do no more. There isn't much of his stuff upstairs - most of his clothes are gone. So there's not a lot I could actually do.

I really should ask him to have it all gone by 1 May, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for now and assume that he will.

mintymoneysaver

I've just had a new bed delivered, Tay. Taken me a year to be able to afford it, but the old one went at the weekend, and I've just lay there, on my new mattress, stretched out all wide and smiled so much. it's mine, all mine and I have such a great future ahead of me...

Eve_Markey

tayforth wrote: »

Hello

I'm a very long-time poster but want to be anonymous for this, I'll be more honest this way. I hope that you understand. I can't tell anyone about my feelings and I feel as if I might explode if I don't. And I always value the advice on this board (I'm a regular), so I'm taking a deep breath and telling you. I hope that you don't mind.

---

So... I've been with my OH for 7 years. We got married last year, and it's been terrible, to be honest. He has been gradually destroying my feelings for him by being nasty to me, to the point where I don't think that I feel anything for him any more.

Even worse, I am not sexually attracted to him at all, even though he's considered very attractive by everyone who knows him. We've had sex once since our wedding. I've become more and more withdrawn, spending evenings and nights alone, making up excuses not to be in his company. I'm beginning to suspect that I might be depressed.

As well as this, I have feelings for one of his friends. I have always hoped that my feelings would lessen with time, but they haven't.

I know that I can never act on these feelings, even if OH and I split up; his friend is a decent guy and wouldn't do that. I wish with all my heart that I'd acted on them sooner; perhaps when OH and I were just going out i.e. before we lived together/married, the consequences woudn't have been so serious. But I didn't, and I must live with that.

So I'm not viewing him as the answer to my problems. If anything, getting away from the pair of them may be the best thing to do. I might spend the rest of my life alone, and that terrifies me, but so does the thought of staying with my OH.

I'm just rambling now. I'd appreciate any kind of advice, kind words, pep talk - anything.

I think you need to do some serious thinking about what you do want in the future. From my experience within my family and friends quite often when a couple are together long term everything is ok until they actually get married. Seems as if the mindset changes once a marriage takes place. I can only suggest that you try and get your husband to talk about his and possibly your behaviour and either rework the relationship or separate at least for a time.