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FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning
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Hope you're ok and he has been decent this evening! xx0
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Sorry for the long delay.
Ex came round shortly after I posted. We talked a bit, he said that he'd read the domestic abuse/controlling behaviour printouts that I gave him and he had a better understanding of what I'd gone through. He then said that he understood completely why I had to end it, and that I deserved better.
He said that he'd told his mum, siblings and a few friends. I got a bit upset and said that I wouldn't be airing our problems in public but that it was going to be very hard for me because I can't tell our mutual friends any details, but I feel that they'll give me a hard time because they don't know how bad he was. He assured me that he had told them that it was all his fault.
Turns out, he couldn't fit all his clothes etc in the car, so he's taking the day off tomorrow to get the rest of his stuff (there's quite a bit). Which annoys me as I won't be here, but at least it'll all be gone, and I feel that I can trust him not to wreck the place.
Just as he was leaving, his friend's GF (with whom I'm friends as well) turned up at the door and asked if I was ok. She was a bit disbelieving, saying, "Oh, you two will be ok, you'll make up". I told her that we wouldn't. She seemed really stunned and quite upset tbh, but then rallied round and gave me a big hug. They live very close by, which is lovely, because she says that I'm to come round loads. Bless her heart.
I'm really moved by all the kindness around me at the minute.
And I know that I didn't handle myself as coolly with the ex as I'd intended, but never mind. I'm reassured that he hasn't been slagging me off to all and sundry.duckeggblue wrote: »Hold your head high, you've got dignity. X
Now you are in control of your emotions, let your dignity get you through.
If he asks you anything you don't want to discuss, tell him you'll get back to him on it.
Thanks. I have been like that with the practicalities - saying that we can decide what to do about the car and any shared possessions in our own time, and that I want to be fair and civilised about it all.Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »If it were me, I'd pick an album that he hates and have it blaring out whilst eating my favourite ice cream and reading the paper/a book and just ignore him whilst he is there. Be 'blase' or 'nonchalant' about the whole thing.
Or pop a jacket on, and stand waiting and leave right after him and just go somewhere nice. Keep checking your watch. Even if it's for the starting time of the pictures.
LOL, oh that I could be so cool and calm!lostinrates wrote: »Does a friend know he is expected? Probably worth having someone in real life know he is there and check in with a phone call later.
Thanks, hadn't thought of that. But I genuinely don't feel at risk with him now, thankfully.Life is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A
Never regret something that once made you smile :A0 -
make_me_wise wrote: »If I were in your shoes OP, I would have all his stuff in black bags by the bins waiting for him to collect them. He would not get through the door or anywhere near me. After the ghastly way he has treated you that is the best his sort deserve.
I have read your whole thread and think you have been incredibly strong and brave. Well done you.
I would be so tempted, but (a) I have no bin bags atmand (b) I feel that I should let him pack his own stuff, why should I do it? Is that horrid of me?
No matter how bitter you feel don't wind him up. Just let him take his stuff as quickly as possible and leave. There really is no point getting into an argument. He may try to change your mind, but just stay strong and repeat what you have already told him. Just imagine that we are all there supporting you.
Thank you, it's so much appreciated xxxxneverdespairgirl wrote: »I'd go for perfectly polite, but not forthcoming, a bit distant.
That way you don't start an argument, but don't invite conversation, either.
I wish that I'd accomplished this. I didn't rant or get angry, I just told him quietly and calmly that it would be difficult for me to tell people with being between a rock and a hard place (see post above). Then that upset me a bit. But he made me cry so often when we were together that I shouldn't be ashamed of a couple of tears.Life is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A
Never regret something that once made you smile :A0 -
Like many others here, I stumbled on this real-life drama by accident. Is "drama" the right word? I think it probably is. A tutor at University once said to me that everyone is a hero in their own way because life, as a rule, is not easy, and just managing to move from day to day is a challenge. I have been touched by many of the posters, especially the ladies, who have opened up with their own stories of domestic hardship and abuse. In one way this leaves me - as a husband and a father - thinking deeply about things that I could have done better when younger and more foolish but it has also precipitated other thoughts; like how much I appreciate my own wife for the daily grind that she puts up with on top of having her own career, how many ways I could better show my appreciation and how lucky I am to be with "the one".
On top of all that - and trying not to gush - Tayforth, you have been an example of candour and dignity, as well as courage for seeking advice and responding carefully and politely to what has been written by the many contributors to this most personal of threads.
I sense that both you and your "OH" will come out of this somewhat wiser - for him I suspect that this may change the way he sees himself in the context of a relationship, and for you I suspect that your tolerance for bull*hit will be somewhat lessened by the experience. But please, don't let this change the good and open and kind person that you evidently are.
So - well done you for being strong, following through, and not being swayed by emotional distractions. I know it would have been easy to just carry on pretending, but I'm glad you didn't. And I hope you are too. Good luck with the next phase - and carpe diem!
Incidentally, to echo what others have said before about the dilemma of your sister's wedding - your family will already know that there is something wrong, so whereas perhaps a little white lie may work in the short term, they will be happier to find out that you have "lanced a boil" and dealt with what I am sure they know was a problem!0 -
I am so proud that you have come some far. It will be such a lovely feeling when all his stuff has gone, and you can 'cleanse' the place.
it is 16 years such my ex left ( thrown out!) and I can still remember the warm fuzzy feeling, getting into my big bed, with all new bedding and a new matress and quilt I even altered the layout of the bedroom and lounge to give them a completely new feel - great.
Enjoy the time by yourself. Dont rush into any new relationships, Find yourself again - a bit 'new age' but you know what we mean.
Keep stong.
I actually bought gorgeous new bedlinen from Next a while back and it's still in the wrapping. When he's finally gone, I will take it out and put it on the bed - and it will be just for me.
I'll make other changes too. Make the place a bit more girly and get some of my vintage bits out of hiding!
Thank youbusiscoming2 wrote: »Tayforth I have somehow missed your thread previously and have just spent the past goodness knows how long reading it all. I am so pleased you found the courage to end your marriage and believe you are right not to tell your mum and sister so close to her wedding. I was worried your ex would behave badly when you told him, but at least he has behaved in that respect.
Look forward and enjoy your new found freedom to be who you really are.
Thank you so much for reading it alland yes, I still feel that I'm doing the right thing not telling my mum and sister yet. I'll have a clear conscience knowing that I didn't spoil or overshadow the big day, and hopefully they'll understand.
Tay..stay strong..you have so much courage. I have followed your thread with baited breath. I have been through similar things. I'm thankful ..I'm nearly 9 years "free"". I do get a bit lonely but, I'm very much mostly happy.
How wonderful that you still talk of freedom; that's what I feel too. Well done on your new life, and thanks for your kind words xxxxLife is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A
Never regret something that once made you smile :A0 -
It sounds like you dealt with it really well! You are both keeping it civil, which is great.
It's totally understandable that you got upset as its such an emotional time and a big change.
Soon, all his stuff will be gone and you can make your space your own and move on in your happier life. Very exciting!0 -
Evening
tayforth - you're doing really well, of course this is difficult and you're finding it hard, you're a lovely decent person, you don't spend a long time with someone then are able to switch off those feelings instantly, even when that person has been a complete **** and you know it's the right thing to do. Stay strong - you've got all your good friends on here and some in real life. I have to be honest though if I was in your situation there's no way I would allow him to come to the property when I wasn't there - you have no idea what he may do and of course if something does happen and you're not there - you have no proof. As painful and difficult as it is I'd only allow him access whilst I was at home and as he's now taken 2 car loads of stuff - is there that much more? Possibly say to him he can come once more to take stuff, otherwise he could drag this out and he's still exerting some control over you as you'll always have in the back of your mind that there's still stuff of his at the house. I'm not trying to sound mean - but you're not going to be able to heal and move on until he's out of your life IYSWIM.
Keep strong and focused - you're a credit to women x
Stay safe and well x
nmlc x
ps - just re-read this - and wanted to add - did you get the locks changed? As if you did how will he gain entry whilst you're not there? If you haven't does he still have keys? Could you get someone neutral to be present whilst he took his remaining stuff?WEIGHTLOSS SINCE JUNE 2009 - 5 ST 2LB0 -
hulltiger1969 wrote: »WOW
I dissapear for a few days and come back to find you have done it :j
I am so so pleased for you, and so proud of you, your new happy life begins now.
I know you were worried how some mutual friends might take it(especially one of them)
I told you a bit about my experiance in a private message, but heres a new chapter. On occassion I have chatted to one of my exes friends either by text, facebook or bumping into him, always had a chat and was always really nice and friendly, and ALWAYS said my ex was an idiot and I was right to have left him. On a night out a few months ago I bumped into him and he said he had always liked me, I spoke to him for quite a while then went my own way (not into drunken fumblings):rotfl:
He has text me now around once a week asking how I am etc (always had each others number) then today we were chatting by text when he said
" I have always fancied you and ALWAYS told ...... you were too good for him and he did not deserve you":eek:
So next weekend we are going out on a date, I can't believe it.
anyway massive massive hugs to you, the new happy relaxed you:)
OMG!!!!!! I'm so thrilled for you, that is wonderful news!!! :beer: You have got to tell me how it goes next weekend, please!
And yes, there is one particular friend I haven't heard from yet... time will tell. I'm now going to daydream about the same thing happening to me sometime, if that's all right with you.Hope you're ok and he has been decent this evening! xx
Thank you again nerak_y xxxLike many others here, I stumbled on this real-life drama by accident. Is "drama" the right word? I think it probably is. A tutor at University once said to me that everyone is a hero in their own way because life, as a rule, is not easy, and just managing to move from day to day is a challenge. I have been touched by many of the posters, especially the ladies, who have opened up with their own stories of domestic hardship and abuse. In one way this leaves me - as a husband and a father - thinking deeply about things that I could have done better when younger and more foolish but it has also precipitated other thoughts; like how much I appreciate my own wife for the daily grind that she puts up with on top of having her own career, how many ways I could better show my appreciation and how lucky I am to be with "the one".
On top of all that - and trying not to gush - Tayforth, you have been an example of candour and dignity, as well as courage for seeking advice and responding carefully and politely to what has been written by the many contributors to this most personal of threads.
I sense that both you and your "OH" will come out of this somewhat wiser - for him I suspect that this may change the way he sees himself in the context of a relationship, and for you I suspect that your tolerance for bull*hit will be somewhat lessened by the experience. But please, don't let this change the good and open and kind person that you evidently are.
So - well done you for being strong, following through, and not being swayed by emotional distractions. I know it would have been easy to just carry on pretend, but I'm glad you didn't. And I hope you are too. Good luck with the next phase - and carpe diem!
Wow. What a post, I'm humbled by your words. And I don't know what to say except thank you.
It's lovely the way you speak about your wife, you both clearly love each other very much.
I too have been moved by the stories that people have generously shared here and via PMs, there are so many courageous women out there who suffered worse than I did, with children to look after etc. I'm amazed at their dignity and strength. And every single one stressed how glad they were to have struck out on their own. What an inspiration that has been to me.
In fact, all of you have been so kind, wise and helpful. You've given me hope when I needed it.Life is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A
Never regret something that once made you smile :A0 -
It sounds like you dealt with it really well! You are both keeping it civil, which is great.
It's totally understandable that you got upset as its such an emotional time and a big change.
Soon, all his stuff will be gone and you can make your space your own and move on in your happier life. Very exciting!
Thanks for the reassurance Pixiechic, it's nice to hear xxEvening
tayforth - you're doing really well, of course this is difficult and you're finding it hard, you're a lovely decent person, you don't spend a long time with someone then are able to switch off those feelings instantly, even when that person has been a complete **** and you know it's the right thing to do. Stay strong - you've got all your good friends on here and some in real life. I have to be honest though if I was in your situation there's no way I would allow him to come to the property when I wasn't there - you have no idea what he may do and of course if something does happen and you're not there - you have no proof. As painful and difficult as it is I'd only allow him access whilst I was at home and as he's now taken 2 car loads of stuff - is there that much more? Possibly say to him he can come once more to take stuff, otherwise he could drag this out and he's still exerting some control over you as you'll always have in the back of your mind that there's still stuff of his at the house. I'm not trying to sound mean - but you're not going to be able to heal and move on until he's out of your life IYSWIM.
Keep strong and focused - you're a credit to women x
Stay safe and well x
nmlc x
I know, and I'm not really happy about it, but I've already agreed. I suppose that I just want his stuff out ASAP, and if this accomplishes it, then great.
I was upset by the prospect of our friends thinking that I've dumped him for no reason - not by him IYKWIM. He doesn't upset me any more, I honestly don't care if I never see him again.
Thanks for the compliments too, I'm getting a bit embarrassed nowxxx
Life is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A
Never regret something that once made you smile :A0 -
ps - just re-read this - and wanted to add - did you get the locks changed? As if you did how will he gain entry whilst you're not there? If you haven't does he still have keys? Could you get someone neutral to be present whilst he took his remaining stuff?
The LL was supposed to change the locks yesterday, but couldn't (long story). So he's doing it at the weekend. Which is a PITA, but will save me a fair bit of money compared to a locksmith. So yes, ex can still let himself in.
I can't ask anyone to come during the day - while I'm at work, so is everyone elseLife is a gift... and I intend to make the most of mine :A
Never regret something that once made you smile :A0
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