FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

mintymoneysaver wrote: »

I've just had a new bed delivered, Tay. Taken me a year to be able to afford it, but the old one went at the weekend, and I've just lay there, on my new mattress, stretched out all wide and smiled so much. it's mine, all mine and I have such a great future ahead of me...

We bought a new bed and mattress recently. I've only slept in it about twice, not because it's not comfy (it's amazingly so), but because of our problems. Not sure what to do, tbh.

Eve_Markey wrote: »

I think you need to do some serious thinking about what you do want in the future. From my experience within my family and friends quite often when a couple are together long term everything is ok until they actually get married. Seems as if the mindset changes once a marriage takes place. I can only suggest that you try and get your husband to talk about his and possibly your behaviour and either rework the relationship or separate at least for a time.

Thanks for your post, but I'm assuming that you've only read my first post and not the rest of the thread...?

harrys_nan

tayforth wrote: »

I would probably find it very distressing to watch something like that right now. I cried my eyes out on Tuesday night watching Mandy's storyline on The Syndicate. Far too close to home.

Been there as well, 1st from my step father then from my ex husband albeit along time ago, you dont really forget, it gets pushed to the back of your mind, but as I said before, Life does get better :T

paulineb_2

tayforth wrote: »

We bought a new bed and mattress recently. I've only slept in it about twice, not because it's not comfy (it's amazingly so), but because of our problems. Not sure what to do, tbh.




Thanks for your post, but I'm assuming that you've only read my first post and not the rest of the thread...?

I think you'd be fine sleeping in a bed you bought together particularly as its new until you feel you want to replace it.

Kayalana99

I have to admit after you didnt come back till late last night I was having doubts as to if he had talked you round....Glad you stayed strong Tay!

I guess its just the amount of times my Ex and I broke up & got back together that causes me so much doubt ...not you personally I suppose :-)

tayforth

harrys_nan wrote: »

Been there as well, 1st from my step father then from my ex husband albeit along time ago, you dont really forget, it gets pushed to the back of your mind, but as I said before, Life does get better :T

I'm so sorry to hear that you went through all that. But I see from your sig that you have a lot of joy in your life now.

paulineb wrote: »

I think you'd be fine sleeping in a bed you bought together particularly as its new until you feel you want to replace it.

I think you're right. It was my choice of bed anyway, and I love it. It's very vintage style (brass bed frame) with a super comfy mattress. We'll sort out who keeps any jointly owned stuff in time, I don't mind.

tayforth

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I have to admit after you didnt come back till late last night I was having doubts as to if he had talked you round....Glad you stayed strong Tay!

I guess its just the amount of times my Ex and I broke up & got back together that causes me so much doubt ...not you personally I suppose :-)

Oh, believe me, I tried to end it a few times but he did always talk me round i.e. he manipulated me into staying with him. And I asked him the other night: why didn't you just let me go???

So I don't blame you for thinking that.

spirit

tayforth wrote: »

We bought a new bed and mattress recently. I've only slept in it about twice, not because it's not comfy (it's amazingly so), but because of our problems. Not sure what to do, tbh.

Another poster suggested a while back 'cleansing' your house with white sage (a stick you burn) to remove his aura from your house. I have a set of small cymbal like things which i go round the house clanging them together (I don't live in the ex marital home, I sold that and bought my own), sound vibration will also cleanse the house of negative or stuck energies.

With the white sage, you light it (let it smoke, it doesn't flame) and wander all over the house with it paying attention to corners of rooms. Also open 'his' cupboards and drawers and waft the stick around.

zzzLazyDaisy

tayforth wrote: »

We bought a new bed and mattress recently. I've only slept in it about twice, not because it's not comfy (it's amazingly so), but because of our problems. Not sure what to do, tbh.

Does the bed have a mattress that can be flipped over (which is basically all mattresses apart from those with a memory foam top layer). If so, why not get a friend to help you flip it over - and also turn it head to tail if you like. Presto - you are sleeping on an un-touched surface of the mattress.

Also, do remember - he is not there any more, he is not in your space. If you cannot physically get rid of, or replace, something that you still associate with him or his energy, there are other ways to deal with it, depending on your leanings.... such as:

• Give the place a good scrub down - use bleach if it makes you feel better - or spray your perfume everywhere...
• Use a smudging stick and call your God/Goddess/Angels/spirit guides/Universal Love Energy - or whatever your diety of choice is, to bless the room and everything in it and clear away any negative energy
• Change the curtains, bed linen, etc and make it yours (we have already talked about this)
  
  

I am sure other people have other suggestions and you will have your own ways too, once you settle down. It is very early days, and you are doing great, give yourself a hug, and give it time x

I would also caution you to take the initiative re getting his stuff out the house. Yes, he may well be genuine and I hope so. But moving the goal posts is a fairly typical way for a certain type of person to remain in control, to prove to him and you that he can still call the shots and make you dance to his tune, and to ensure that he continues to remain in your thoughts. Apologies if that sounds paranoid and I hope this is not how it pans out for you. But at the very least, YOU should tell HIM when it is convenient for him to call round for his stuff and make an arrangement. If he doesn't stick to it a second time, put his stuff in the box and give it to someone else (his mother, a mutual friend) and tell him to collect it from there when he is ready. Hopefully you won't need to fall back on this and he'll just come and get his stuff and go - what I am saying is, don't let him string it out. xx

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Does the bed have a mattress that can be flipped over (which is basically all mattresses apart from those with a memory foam top layer). If so, why not get a friend to help you flip it over - and also turn it head to tail if you like. Presto - you are sleeping on an un-touched surface of the mattress.

Also, do remember - he is not there any more, he is not in your space. If you cannot physically get rid of, or replace, something that you still associate with him or his energy, there are other ways to deal with it, depending on your leanings.... such as:

• Give the place a good scrub down - use bleach if it makes you feel better - or spray your perfume everywhere...
• Use a smudging stick and call your God/Goddess/Angels/spirit guides/Universal Love Energy - or whatever your diety of choice is, to bless the room and everything in it and clear away any negative energy
• Change the curtains, bed linen, etc and make it yours (we have already talked about this)
  
  

I am sure other people have other suggestions and you will have your own ways too, once you settle down. It is very early days, and you are doing great, give yourself a hug, and give it time x

I would also caution you to take the initiative re getting his stuff out the house. Yes, he may well be genuine and I hope so. But moving the goal posts is a fairly typical way for a certain type of person to remain in control, to prove to him and you that he can still call the shots and make you dance to his tune, and to ensure that he continues to remain in your thoughts. Apologies if that sounds paranoid and I hope this is not how it pans out for you. But at the very least, YOU should tell HIM when it is convenient for him to call round for his stuff and make an arrangement. If he doesn't stick to it a second time, put his stuff in the box and give it to someone else (his mother, a mutual friend) and tell him to collect it from there when he is ready. Hopefully you won't need to fall back on this and he'll just come and get his stuff and go - what I am saying is, don't let him string it out. xx

Thanks so much.

It's pocket sprung with memory foam top, so can't be turned. I'll just live with it. Since I've hardly slept in it, it'll be like a new bed to me. And I will change the room around, make it nicer and put on all my crisp new bedlinen before I get into it.

He's phoned to say that he's taken a half day and is moving his stuff this afternoon. I'm relieved, tbh. He doesn't want all of his books, so I can either bin them or take them to the charity shop - wow, thanks (although I didn't react, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction).

He then asked if he could have something from the kitchen that I bought but he uses more often. It's not at all expensive, but I will probably need it, so I said no. I told him where I'd bought it if he wants to get himself another one.

He asked again if he could have the car this weekend, and I said that I needed it and that he could have it any time apart from the next 2 weekends. I said that I wanted to be fair to him and he said, "Really?" in a dubious tone.

I know that I shouldn't have responded, but I said that, yes, I'd been more than fair to him throughout our relationship. It might not have seemed fair telling him that we were over on Monday night and asking him to leave the same night, but that I'd been scared and intimidated by him and that was why it had to be that way. And he replied, "Well, as long as you think that you've been fair."

To which I said nothing. I didn't want to carry on the conversation, I don't know what he was trying to do but I didn't like it.

Then when I came off the phone I felt bad, as if I'd let him get to me.

I agree with what you say about control, and I was a bit uneasy having his stuff there. It'll be good to finally have it all gone, so that he has no reason to come back.

Kayalana99

You really need to decide what to do about this car, it really isnt good car sharing after he's moved all his stuff out but I understand why you can't just say no you can't ever use it...

As for the above it just sounds like he was trying to make you feel bad and suceeded. Another controlive techinque of trying to get to you.

Don't feel bad that it got to you though, be happy he will be out of your life 100% soon xxx

Edit: Just a thought you said you had savings...would it be worth paying him off for half the car?

Id get it in writting if you did though as *if* you do end up in courts with a messy divorce you don't want to be paying twice for it!