FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

nerak_y

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you so much again MsB. I'm getting a bit tearful again, you're so kind. I know in my heart that I'm a good person but to hear it said by someone else means such a lot to me.

I'm also thankful to have been treated with such respect and consideration by you all. I can't tell you how much it's lifted my spirits when I really needed it. When you've been with someone like my ex, any bit of kindness - well, you just clutch onto it like a lifebelt.

xxxxx

As msb5262 has said, your responses to each and every poster on your thread is indeed a testament to your strength. He absolutely has not broke you, it is now turned tables and you are in control!

Which reminds me, listen to Adele - Turning Tables, this my friend will be your new theme tune!! You will probably cry a bit at first, but then you will feel more kick !!!! xx

tayforth

You'll set me off again. Thanks so much, harrys nan. I'm incredibly touched by your kind words xxxx

neverdespairgirl

Glad you've done it, and got through it, OP.

I wouldn't suggest any white knights upon white steeds for a bit - I reckon some time on your own to recover and work out who you are what you want would be a good idea.

Orlando_Virgin

tayforth wrote: »

You'll set me off again. Thanks so much, harrys nan. I'm incredibly touched by your kind words xxxx

I've been away at a conference for a few days and I can't believe how much you've accomplished in such a short space of time!

So chuffed for you Tay, you deserve it. xx

paulineb_2

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Glad you've done it, and got through it, OP.

I wouldn't suggest any white knights upon white steeds for a bit - I reckon some time on your own to recover and work out who you are what you want would be a good idea.

I absolutely agree. Seeing someone on the rebound after a 7 year relationship isnt the best idea (and Im not presuming thats what is going to happen), and yes some people get out of abusive relationships and meet someone very quickly and thats fine, but its a lot of emotional upheaval you've been through in a short space of time.

Relationships are complex and even though you've made the right decision for you there are bound to be moments even fleeting where you remember the good times.

Ive had good times with people who on the whole treated me awfully and thats what takes your mind times to come to terms with, because when your relationship is unravelling at a speed of knots you sit and think, it wasnt always like this. Also for a long time, I had my sense of who I am distorted because I happened to meet two people who did nothing but criticise me and somewhere along the line I started thinking is it me, is it something about me that attracts people like this? I dont think so really, just bad luck.

And when you are in the middle of stuff its so easy to be blinded by any of the good bits. I know someone who met someone and they have just got engaged I believe, been together 6 months, both divorced and I know her last relationship was dysfunctional to the point where she ended up in a refuge with 4 kids. I think addictions were the issue.

But the person shes seeing is probably all sweetness and light to her, but to me, when I was going through some stuff last year that ended up with me being sacked, on anti depressants and finding out that my then bf was on dating sites looking for someone else, he was horrible to me and I mean seriously horrible. More than once during the worst points last year, just criticising the way I handled things all the time and telling me I should have known my ex was an idiot and it ended up with him posting some really nasty barbed comments on my facebook wall and thats when I kicked him off.

But shes madly in love with this guy and shes an intelligent articulate person. And that to me just goes to show that some people have so many faces that they can put on, the public persona, the private one, but if you have a real nasty streak then its there and if its there and been shown to me, who is to say hes not going to start digging at her somewhere along the line.

I havent spoken to her in a couple of months but I havent been able to bring myself to message her and say congrats, I dont know, I just cant do it just now. What I mean is, Ive kicked myself up and down so many times for being an intelligent person who has gone through a lot in her life but ended up in relationships with two people who have crushed my self esteem or tried to.

But when you are on the outside looking in and seeing other people get together with someone who many people think is just wonderful and you are thinking oh oh. People can be charming, wonderful, lovely but my view is if someone can be nasty to anyone and nasty knowing the effect its going to have on someone (because at the time he had these conversations with me I was suffering from depression, I was under extreme stress due to my boss and her antics and my family had had the year from hell), then they can also be nasty to the person theyve just proposed to.

And really, abusive relationships can happen to anyone, because people dont always put their cards on the table in the beginning, it can be years before someone starts abusing you and by that time your emotions are involved and it can be incredibly hard to get out.

tayforth

nerak_y wrote: »

As msb5262 has said, your responses to each and every poster on your thread is indeed a testament to your strength. He absolutely has not broke you, it is now turned tables and you are in control!

Which reminds me, listen to Adele - Turning Tables, this my friend will be your new theme tune!! You will probably cry a bit at first, but then you will feel more kick !!!! xx

Thank you, nerak_y. I'm definitely going to listen to that song. And yes, I do feel in control for the first time in ages xxx

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Glad you've done it, and got through it, OP.

I wouldn't suggest any white knights upon white steeds for a bit - I reckon some time on your own to recover and work out who you are what you want would be a good idea.

Thank you, neverdespairgirl. I've always liked your username, btw

Orlando_Virgin wrote: »

I've been away at a conference for a few days and I can't believe how much you've accomplished in such a short space of time!

So chuffed for you Tay, you deserve it. xx

Goodness, I suppose that I have done quite a lot in a short time. I've come a long way in the 16 days since I started this thread, and thank you for all your encouragement xx

zzzLazyDaisy

tayforth wrote: »

Goodness, I suppose that I have done quite a lot in a short time. I've come a long way in the 16 days since I started this thread, and thank you for all your encouragement xx

Wow, is it really only 16 days?

There is a saying "sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and trust that the net will appear"

Well done for trusting in yourself enough to go ahead and jump!

xxx

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

I absolutely agree. Seeing someone on the rebound after a 7 year relationship isnt the best idea (and Im not presuming thats what is going to happen), and yes some people get out of abusive relationships and meet someone very quickly and thats fine, but its a lot of emotional upheaval you've been through in a short space of time.

Relationships are complex and even though you've made the right decision for you there are bound to be moments even fleeting where you remember the good times.

Ive had good times with people who on the whole treated me awfully and thats what takes your mind times to come to terms with, because when your relationship is unravelling at a speed of knots you sit and think, it wasnt always like this. Also for a long time, I had my sense of who I am distorted because I happened to meet two people who did nothing but criticise me and somewhere along the line I started thinking is it me, is it something about me that attracts people like this? I dont think so really, just bad luck.

And when you are in the middle of stuff its so easy to be blinded by any of the good bits. I know someone who met someone and they have just got engaged I believe, been together 6 months, both divorced and I know her last relationship was dysfunctional to the point where she ended up in a refuge with 4 kids. I think addictions were the issue.

But the person shes seeing is probably all sweetness and light to her, but to me, when I was going through some stuff last year that ended up with me being sacked, on anti depressants and finding out that my then bf was on dating sites looking for someone else, he was horrible to me and I mean seriously horrible. More than once during the worst points last year, just criticising the way I handled things all the time and telling me I should have known my ex was an idiot and it ended up with him posting some really nasty barbed comments on my facebook wall and thats when I kicked him off.

But shes madly in love with this guy and shes an intelligent articulate person. And that to me just goes to show that some people have so many faces that they can put on, the public persona, the private one, but if you have a real nasty streak then its there and if its there and been shown to me, who is to say hes not going to start digging at her somewhere along the line.

I havent spoken to her in a couple of months but I havent been able to bring myself to message her and say congrats, I dont know, I just cant do it just now. What I mean is, Ive kicked myself up and down so many times for being an intelligent person who has gone through a lot in her life but ended up in relationships with two people who have crushed my self esteem or tried to.

But when you are on the outside looking in and seeing other people get together with someone who many people think is just wonderful and you are thinking oh oh. People can be charming, wonderful, lovely but my view is if someone can be nasty to anyone and nasty knowing the effect its going to have on someone (because at the time he had these conversations with me I was suffering from depression, I was under extreme stress due to my boss and her antics and my family had had the year from hell), then they can also be nasty to the person theyve just proposed to.

And really, abusive relationships can happen to anyone, because people dont always put their cards on the table in the beginning, it can be years before someone starts abusing you and by that time your emotions are involved and it can be incredibly hard to get out.

I now see the good times as his way of manipulating me to stay with him. Which makes it very easy to keep my resolve. I don't love him any more, full stop. He has no power over me. I can see clearly what's been going on and what he is.

Emotionally, I was gone long ago. I just needed the courage to say it out loud.

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Wow, is it really only 16 days?

There is a saying "sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and trust that the net will appear"

Well done for trusting in yourself enough to go ahead and jump!

xxx

What a lovely analogy.


And yes, I can't believe that it's only been 16 days either.

mcja

tayforth wrote: »

I've just had 2 really lovely texts from 2 of the ex's friends (well, 2 wives of 'his' friends). Asking if I'm ok. Apologising for not realising what was going on! I replied saying that there was no need for apologies - that I had kept it from everyone. And I said that I still valued their friendship and hoped that I wouldn't lose it.

I'll ask to meet up with them both to talk properly, but will maintain my dignity and not give them the details.

Now I might actually cry - with relief. Because:

(a) he's telling people already and making it official, which is what I wanted, and
(b) they sound as if they still want to be friends with me and won't disown me because I'm not with him any more.

In a different context I have learnt lately that a true friend will never judge you, just listen to the facts. It sounds like he has seen the change inside you and realised this is it.

Well done Tayforth, look in the mirror and go I FIRKIN DID IT!!!!

tayforth

mcja wrote: »

In a different context I have learnt lately that a true friend will never judge you, just listen to the facts. It sounds like he has seen the change inside you and realised this is it.

Well done Tayforth, look in the mirror and go I FIRKIN DID IT!!!!

I hope so. I don't want him to have any false hope whatsoever. I was a bit worried that he would keep it to himself for ages in the hope that I'd change my mind, so the fact that he's telling people is a huge relief. Now I can speak to those mutual friends I'd really like to stay in touch with.

And yes, a true friend will not judge. You're right. I need to stay true to myself and not start trying to rationalise, justify and explain myself to all and sundry.

And I will do that when I get home lol. Or maybe in the loos at work if I get the chance