FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Sorry, did I miss the fact that you are still in the house you shared with him? For some reason I thought you had left and he had stayed.

I don't know what your financial circumstances are, but if you can turn the main bedroom into a 'safe haven' that is a good place to start. It doesn't have to be expensive - hit the charity shops/car boot sales/dunelm mill or other cheapie places. Find lovely silky,lacey, feminine (or Gothic if that's your style!) curtains/drapes/bedding/cushions/rugs. Pretty candles and pictures can be bought cheaply from poundshops, B&M etc. Paint the walls metallic gold if that's your thing!

Basically turn it into YOUR room, and get his energy, scent, and presence out of it.

What a fab idea. I'm going to do it. I love vintage bits and pieces and have collected lots of beautiful treasures from charity shops and the like. He always complained about my taste in decor - well, now I can have the house whatever way I like! Thank you for that xx

mcja wrote: »

Good, do what makes you feel safe for the rest of your life. Xxx

Thank you. And if that means sleeping in the spare bed forever, I'll do it

duckeggblue wrote: »

Back from my jaunt away, been keeping up with your thread. Whew, how amazing you are.
After a loss of a relationship, even an abusive one, particularly an abusive one, your feelings can get very confused, confusing you is what abusers do best. i can remember for example, that its hard not to continue his habits that he has taught you, to explain, to want to argue, to try to rationalise( pointless with an abuser as you now are starting to understand).
I do really understand the shock you are feeling at realising the relationship was abusive, I also feel so angry when I realise the hurtful games he was playing with me, particular the devastating " you can't do right for doing wrong" where the abuser will start picking on you over ANYTHING-, very small things usually, to win control.
and I found I questioned this for a long time before I fully, fully got it, but I felt it was very important to me to understand HOW it had come to happen, because otherwise , how could I be sure it wouldn't happen again?

Also, I would be inclined to tell people, in addition to what you have said " I have had a very bad time".

There is a pattern that abusers follow and I expect it will be to tell you he's going to see his doctor, when my abuser told me recently almost exactly what yours told you" I realise I have treated you badly, it is all my fault, not yours, " recently- you know I was really pleased to hear that-because it was EXACTLY what I wanted to hear, but I had to guard my emotions here because I believe it was just another piece of manipulation.

Healing from abuse is a very vulnerable time, it's natural to need love,surround yourself with friends, animals, new experiences-do all the things he wouldn't let you do. Xx

People who behave abusively , have abusive thought patterns,and the person can not change this inbuilt personality.


That link about sociopaths-wow the bit about telling a story-so accurate-all the rest too.
Also OP google the term gaslighting , I wonder if this has happened to you? I was amazed when I read this the first time.

100% yes to everything you just posted. Every word.

As for gaslighting, yes, he did reinvent history all the time. Half an hour after a bout of screaming, he would make up his own version of events, put words in my mouth... I would try to tell him that he was wrong, but he would talk over me, he was just better at arguing than me (the sociopath again). And I would give up.

Maybe I will tell people that I've had a bad time. I'm not going to slag him off his friends, but equally I'm not going to say that it just didn't work out! I'll say that I ended it and it was the right thing to do, and leave it at that.

He's been to counselling, just last week. Out of desperation. I agree that it was good to hear him finally admit that he was abusive (he said the word himself, unprompted by me), but it didn't move me one little bit. I will not be taken in again. Before, I didn't recognise what he was doing. Now, I do. And that gives me power. Because I don't care a fig about him any more. He's lost control. He's lost the power to hurt me.

I promise to have new experiences, my mind is beginning to whirr with possibilities.

And thank you for saying that I'm amazing, what a lovely compliment xx

duckeggblue

Any one included those who have suffered domestic abuse , or anyone who doesn't understand why women stay with abusers should look at a video on YouTube I can't do links
She describes abuse it as a psychological trap disguised as love

Lesley Morgan Steiner- crazy love
Would be good if someone could post a link-she's a motivational speaker who suffered it herself-a moving story
Hey -were amazin aren't we xx.

tesuhoha

tayforth wrote: »

Back now. Sorry for the long delay. I told my second closest friend, who was nothing but supportive, and I am feeling more positive. Good friends really are everything. :A




Goodness!!!!

OK, well in the real world I'd pinch myself with shock and delight, then tell him that I had feelings for him, but explain that I need some time to myself and ask if we could see each other as friends for a while, but that I definitely wanted it to develop into something more. And then we'd see what happened.

In the film scenario: I'd jump into his arms and tell him how I really felt. :rotfl:




More like months I reckon, even if he is interested. I intend to try to stay friends with him; if we're in touch, you never know what might happen.




Thank you As I said, I'd like to stay in contact with him even as a friend.

We'll see.

tayforth

sportbeth wrote: »

I had the same thing. Months after I left my ex I had the whole "I'm seeing a counsellor and I'm a changed man" routine. I looked him in the eye and said "you would never see a counsellor in a million years and the familiar way that his eyes darted made me know I was right, that he was lying.

I also had the long remorseful emails sent to me at work. He knew I'd started a massively high pressured job and was hoping to knock me off balance.

Don't let this scare you though. More than anything sociopaths rely on emotional control. Now that you've left that control will shrink every day that you're not with him and if he tries any of this, by the time he does you will have so little feeling for him that you'll surprise even yourself with how easily you will handle it.

Someone said earlier (it may have been Tayforth, apologies its been a long day!) about preparing yourself to go and starting to detach. It's true. I grieved for my marriage long before I left. All the positives you're hearing now (get out, do things differently, create a sanctuary) are all true and really helpful.

Someone referred to be at the weekend as "the queen of reinvention". I take that as a massive compliment! But take a strong tip. Give yourself time. I went at a million miles an hour when I left and ended up crashing and burning with a virus 6 months in that my doc was sure was from stress.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself at the moment, just start thinking of all the things you can do that are fun and more importantly about your recovery because that's just what you need right now. Screw what anybody else thinks!

I had more opinions and overheard gossip from smug marrieds than anyone as you know. Most of them two years later are pretty darn miserable. One even asked me to bail her out of her marriage financially. The cheek of it!

Going back to one of my original points, my ex stopped trying to manipulate me when his new girlfriend moved in 4 months ago. That tells a huge story. He hasn't changed at all. I'm having the time of my life now!

Keep posting and I'm so pleased that you have the support on here from so many strong and inspirational people who will keep supporting you through this! Feel free to pm me if you want any steer on anything but I think the broad and varied stories that you have on this thread are invaluable to you right now!

Big girl power hugs to you my lovely!

Wow, you are brilliant to have gone through all this at the same time as starting a stressful new job. And you kept your head and didn't cave in. It must have been tempting to give in and return to the familiar. It's easy to stay and hard to leave.

I promise not to let him manipulate me in any way. I already have no feelings left for him, so it'll be pointless for him even to try. I'm reading your sociopath link again - the traits are uncannily familiar.

And yes, it was me who talked of detaching over a period of months. It's helped me so much. My friend was shocked this evening at how calm and Zen I was, but I explained that I had had lots of time to think about it, that I had been withdrawing from him for months and that it was my subconscious actually protecting me, mentally preparing me to leave him. Which is bloody awesome, isn't it? Good old subconscious.

I'll try to take my time with new things and big decisions, I promise. I finally feel FREE and it's intoxicating. But I'll try not to do too much at once or make any rash decisions. Well, maybe just a bit rash

And you're right - people will judge, and disapprove, and that's their business. Nothing I can do about it.

Also, you know what else? I sincerely hope that my ex moves on to someone else soon, so that he'll be out of my hair once and for all!

Thank you again, and I will keep posting xxx

nerak_y wrote: »

Hello :-)
In addition to what LazyDaisy has suggested, if it isn't to airy fairy for you, try burning sage (preferably white) to cleanse your home of the negativity and restore some balance. I find it is a mental attitude that helps the moving forward process. You can find it easily online, but also in the hippy style shops that sell crystals etc. Here is a wee linky! Hope you sleep well! xx
http://www.meyna.com/use.html

xx

Thnk you, I might try it! And I'm quite an airy fairy person, so don't worry lol xx

tayforth

duckeggblue wrote: »

Any one included those who have suffered domestic abuse , or anyone who doesn't understand why women stay with abusers should look at a video on YouTube I can't do links
She describes abuse it as a psychological trap disguised as love

Lesley Morgan Steiner- crazy love
Would be good if someone could post a link-she's a motivational speaker who suffered it herself-a moving story
Hey -were amazin aren't we xx.

YES, EXACTLY. I'll watch it and I'm sure that I'll identify with every word.

And yes, we are awesome :cool:

tesuhoha wrote: »

We'll see.

Oh, I can but dream...

paulineb_2

You'll recover quicker than you think you will once you get to the point where theres no contact. I havent set eyes on my last long term ex since the day I told him to shove off, thats 8 years ago, I was with him 7.

Actually its funny now thinking back about some of the stuff, the Valentine incident etc. But he was also joined at the hip with 2 of his mates. One who was married and had kids but spent every weekend playing computer games. One who had been in a very long term relationship and they split, later reunited and married but in the meantime my ex bf was the person to see, go clubbing with etc etc.

I was not prioritised in that relationship at all. I remember one day I had hung a jacket in his wardrobe, we didnt live together, I used to stay weekends with him and he was rarely at mine, he lived in Glasgow, Im about 15 miles out of it.

The grief I got for hanging that up, it obviously meant I wanted to marry him. I got grief for having a shower and the water dripping on the bathroom floor, like floors do sometimes get a wee bit wet when you have a shower. I got grief for having said shower and putting a damp towel on his couch (sofa) for a nano second.

I got grief for wearing jeans, he didnt like denim. I remember I once wore a hat that his mum had given me for xmas, like a beanie hat, he referred to me as a "badly dressed lesbian".

And I also remember on the rare occasion he came here, I cooked him a meal and he didnt like it. He could burn water whereas Im a half decent cook, but according to him, I wasnt.

And thats before all the comments about me being stupid, fat, no one liking me, I could go on.

Half of me thinks I must have been touched in the head to let him away with all that, but I gave him enough chances to mend his ways. Again and again and again. And somewhere deep down I realised if I didnt get out, Id be on the phone to my mum crying because he was spending yet another Saturday with his mates, Id have no self esteem.

Oh yes, I got nagged to wear a skirt to a play we were going to in London because according to him, people would be dressing up. I dont really do skirts, I'll wear a dress now and then but my clothes style is casual. Well I did. And I didnt feel out of place but I didnt want to wear it.

And the recurring theme I got from that whole relationship was that he didnt like me the way I was, anything about me. Whether it was that he didnt like himself and it was projected onto me, who knows

But I'll tell you something as I type Im wearing a Tickled Pink T shirt and a pair of reindeer pyjama bottoms and its those kind of things that to me say, freedom.

Because when people nit pick everything you do, particularly the clothes you wear, when you have the freedom to wear whatever you like and you dont have a nagging voice in your ear telling you you look awful, its a small thing, but its a really big thing to me.

paulineb_2

I can actually laugh about some of that stuff I posted above, I just think, what a total screwed up person my ex was. Also, emotionless.
He had a lot of history of mental health issues in his family and grew up in the middle of screaming matches and I can understand to a point why he was the way he was.

But try going through some really tough stuff and you have someone who might as well be a machine. Cold, indifferent, emotionless.

And again, one of those people to the outside world, everyone would think, what a nice person.

I am just thankful I have had a couple of very lucky escapes from people who were really emotionally abusive. And having been through that twice, if it happens to me a third time, first sign of trouble, Im out.

I cant go through any of that again, it took me so long to repair my self esteem and believe in myself again, I cant have anyone being negative to me over and over, I just cant have it in my life, I dont think I could go through it ever again.

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

You'll recover quicker than you think you will once you get to the point where theres no contact. I havent set eyes on my last long term ex since the day I told him to shove off, thats 8 years ago, I was with him 7.

Actually its funny now thinking back about some of the stuff, the Valentine incident etc. But he was also joined at the hip with 2 of his mates. One who was married and had kids but spent every weekend playing computer games. One who had been in a very long term relationship and they split, later reunited and married but in the meantime my ex bf was the person to see, go clubbing with etc etc.

I was not prioritised in that relationship at all. I remember one day I had hung a jacket in his wardrobe, we didnt live together, I used to stay weekends with him and he was rarely at mine, he lived in Glasgow, Im about 15 miles out of it.

The grief I got for hanging that up, it obviously meant I wanted to marry him. I got grief for having a shower and the water dripping on the bathroom floor, like floors do sometimes get a wee bit wet when you have a shower. I got grief for having said shower and putting a damp towel on his couch (sofa) for a nano second.

I got grief for wearing jeans, he didnt like denim. I remember I once wore a hat that his mum had given me for xmas, like a beanie hat, he referred to me as a "badly dressed lesbian".

And I also remember on the rare occasion he came here, I cooked him a meal and he didnt like it. He could burn water whereas Im a half decent cook, but according to him, I wasnt.

And thats before all the comments about me being stupid, fat, no one liking me, I could go on.

Half of me thinks I must have been touched in the head to let him away with all that, but I gave him enough chances to mend his ways. Again and again and again. And somewhere deep down I realised if I didnt get out, Id be on the phone to my mum crying because he was spending yet another Saturday with his mates, Id have no self esteem.

Oh yes, I got nagged to wear a skirt to a play we were going to in London because according to him, people would be dressing up. I dont really do skirts, I'll wear a dress now and then but my clothes style is casual. Well I did. And I didnt feel out of place but I didnt want to wear it.

And the recurring theme I got from that whole relationship was that he didnt like me the way I was, anything about me. Whether it was that he didnt like himself and it was projected onto me, who knows

But I'll tell you something as I type Im wearing a Tickled Pink T shirt and a pair of reindeer pyjama bottoms and its those kind of things that to me say, freedom.

Because when people nit pick everything you do, particularly the clothes you wear, when you have the freedom to wear whatever you like and you dont have a nagging voice in your ear telling you you look awful, its a small thing, but its a really big thing to me.

Wow. What a horrid man, pulling you down all the time. What a relief it is to be rid of him, I'm sure. And it's not a small thing to feel a sense of freedom, I do too.

paulineb wrote: »

I can actually laugh about some of that stuff I posted above, I just think, what a total screwed up person my ex was. Also, emotionless.
He had a lot of history of mental health issues in his family and grew up in the middle of screaming matches and I can understand to a point why he was the way he was.

But try going through some really tough stuff and you have someone who might as well be a machine. Cold, indifferent, emotionless.

And again, one of those people to the outside world, everyone would think, what a nice person.

I am just thankful I have had a couple of very lucky escapes from people who were really emotionally abusive. And having been through that twice, if it happens to me a third time, first sign of trouble, Im out.

I cant go through any of that again, it took me so long to repair my self esteem and believe in myself again, I cant have anyone being negative to me over and over, I just cant have it in my life, I dont think I could go through it ever again.

My ex grew up with screaming matches. I used to try to be compassionate and gently suggested that this might have something to do with his anger. To which I got an earful. Instead of trying to understand him, I should have thrown him out on his ear.

You know what? I no longer give a damn WHY he's the way he is. I deserve better. He's not my problem any more.

tayforth

I stayed up late watching The Syndicate. It was very painful to watch Mandy's story. Although my ex never beat me, there were so many echoes of his behaviour. If you didn't do X, I wouldn't shout. I was looking forward to seeing you. You've ruined everything. Things will be different.

I was almost in tears. When she asked the policewoman what she should do, "just go back to the life I had?", that made me physically shudder.


Her haunted look, only half-concentrating on life and work, putting on a brave face to everyone, feeling utterly helpless, freezing in the interview, hearing his words of contempt ringing in her ears - that was me.

mintymoneysaver

That was you....but it's not now!:j:j:j

Enjoy the second day of the rest of your life xx