FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

zzzLazyDaisy

Sorry, did I miss the fact that you are still in the house you shared with him? For some reason I thought you had left and he had stayed.

I don't know what your financial circumstances are, but if you can turn the main bedroom into a 'safe haven' that is a good place to start. It doesn't have to be expensive - hit the charity shops/car boot sales/dunelm mill or other cheapie places. Find lovely silky,lacey, feminine (or Gothic if that's your style!) curtains/drapes/bedding/cushions/rugs. Pretty candles and pictures can be bought cheaply from poundshops, B&M etc. Paint the walls metallic gold if that's your thing!

Basically turn it into YOUR room, and get his energy, scent, and presence out of it.

tesuhoha

Personally, I think if Sam is interested, he will show up. Once he knows you are single, though he might give it a few weeks.

mcja

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you. And thanks for the laugh. And I will take your words to heart.

Incidentally, I slept in the spare room last night, which is where I've slept for most of the last 2 months. I think I felt safer there.

Good, do what makes you feel safe for the rest of your life. Xxx

tayforth

Just leaving work to go to a friend's house, will reply to all of you later xxxx

Peanut2013

tesuhoha wrote: »

Personally, I think if Sam is interested, he will show up. Once he knows you are single, though he might give it a few weeks.

I agree with this, although he's likely to be the 'friend' and a 'shoulder to cry on' for a while, but it will become obvious eventually if he does have feelings.

Glad your doing well

duckeggblue

Back from my jaunt away, been keeping up with your thread. Whew, how amazing you are.
After a loss of a relationship, even an abusive one, particularly an abusive one, your feelings can get very confused, confusing you is what abusers do best. i can remember for example, that its hard not to continue his habits that he has taught you, to explain, to want to argue, to try to rationalise( pointless with an abuser as you now are starting to understand).
I do really understand the shock you are feeling at realising the relationship was abusive, I also feel so angry when I realise the hurtful games he was playing with me, particular the devastating " you can't do right for doing wrong" where the abuser will start picking on you over ANYTHING-, very small things usually, to win control.
and I found I questioned this for a long time before I fully, fully got it, but I felt it was very important to me to understand HOW it had come to happen, because otherwise , how could I be sure it wouldn't happen again?

Also, I would be inclined to tell people, in addition to what you have said " I have had a very bad time".

There is a pattern that abusers follow and I expect it will be to tell you he's going to see his doctor, when my abuser told me recently almost exactly what yours told you" I realise I have treated you badly, it is all my fault, not yours, " recently- you know I was really pleased to hear that-because it was EXACTLY what I wanted to hear, but I had to guard my emotions here because I believe it was just another piece of manipulation.

Healing from abuse is a very vulnerable time, it's natural to need love,surround yourself with friends, animals, new experiences-do all the things he wouldn't let you do. Xx

People who behave abusively , have abusive thought patterns,and the person can not change this inbuilt personality.


That link about sociopaths-wow the bit about telling a story-so accurate-all the rest too.
Also OP google the term gaslighting , I wonder if this has happened to you? I was amazed when I read this the first time.

marisco_2

duckeggblue wrote: »

Also OP google the term gaslighting , I wonder if this has happened to you?

I remember looking that up and being very shocked that it described the exact situation I was in. Tayforth I hope you are okay. Thinking of you.

sportbeth

duckeggblue wrote: »

Back from my jaunt away, been keeping up with your thread.
After a loss of a relationship, even an abusive one, particularly an abusive one, your feelings can get very confused, confusing you is what abusers do best. i can remember for example, that its hard not to continue his habits that he has taught you, to explain, to want to argue, to try to rationalise( pointless with an abuser as you now are starting to understand).
I do really understand the shock you are feeling at realising the relationship was abusive, I also feel so angry when I realise the hurtful games he was playing with me, particular the devastating " you can't do right for doing wrong" where the abuser will start picking on you over ANYTHING-to win control.
and I found I questioned this for a long time before I fully, fully got it, but I felt it was very important to me to understand HOW it had come to happen, because otherwise , how could I be sure it wouldn't happen again?

Also, I would be inclined to tell people, in addition to what you have said " I have had a very bad time".

There is a pattern that abusers follow and I expect it will be to tell you he's going to see his doctor, when my abuser told me recently almost exactly what yours told you" I realise I have treated you badly, it is all my fault, not yours, " recently- you know I was really pleased to hear that-because it was EXACTLY what I wanted to hear, but I had to guard my emotions here because I believe it was just another piece of manipulation.

People who behave abusively , have abusive thoughts, and the person can not change this inbuilt personality.


That link about sociopaths-wow the bit about telling a story-so accurate-all the rest too.

I had the same thing. Months after I left my ex I had the whole "I'm seeing a counsellor and I'm a changed man" routine. I looked him in the eye and said "you would never see a counsellor in a million years and the familiar way that his eyes darted made me know I was right, that he was lying.

I also had the long remorseful emails sent to me at work. He knew I'd started a massively high pressured job and was hoping to knock me off balance.

Don't let this scare you though. More than anything sociopaths rely on emotional control. Now that you've left that control will shrink every day that you're not with him and if he tries any of this, by the time he does you will have so little feeling for him that you'll surprise even yourself with how easily you will handle it.

Someone said earlier (it may have been Tayforth, apologies its been a long day!) about preparing yourself to go and starting to detach. It's true. I grieved for my marriage long before I left. All the positives you're hearing now (get out, do things differently, create a sanctuary) are all true and really helpful.

Someone referred to be at the weekend as "the queen of reinvention". I take that as a massive compliment! But take a strong tip. Give yourself time. I went at a million miles an hour when I left and ended up crashing and burning with a virus 6 months in that my doc was sure was from stress.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself at the moment, just start thinking of all the things you can do that are fun and more importantly about your recovery because that's just what you need right now. Screw what anybody else thinks!

I had more opinions and overheard gossip from smug marrieds than anyone as you know. Most of them two years later are pretty darn miserable. One even asked me to bail her out of her marriage financially. The cheek of it!

Going back to one of my original points, my ex stopped trying to manipulate me when his new girlfriend moved in 4 months ago. That tells a huge story. He hasn't changed at all. I'm having the time of my life now!

Keep posting and I'm so pleased that you have the support on here from so many strong and inspirational people who will keep supporting you through this! Feel free to pm me if you want any steer on anything but I think the broad and varied stories that you have on this thread are invaluable to you right now!

Big girl power hugs to you my lovely!

tayforth

Back now. Sorry for the long delay. I told my second closest friend, who was nothing but supportive, and I am feeling more positive. Good friends really are everything. :A

tesuhoha wrote: »

So what would you do if Sam turned up on your doorstep at the weekend and asked you out?

Goodness!!!!

OK, well in the real world I'd pinch myself with shock and delight, then tell him that I had feelings for him, but explain that I need some time to myself and ask if we could see each other as friends for a while, but that I definitely wanted it to develop into something more. And then we'd see what happened.

In the film scenario: I'd jump into his arms and tell him how I really felt. :rotfl:

tesuhoha wrote: »

Personally, I think if Sam is interested, he will show up. Once he knows you are single, though he might give it a few weeks.

More like months I reckon, even if he is interested. I intend to try to stay friends with him; if we're in touch, you never know what might happen.

Peanut2013 wrote: »

I agree with this, although he's likely to be the 'friend' and a 'shoulder to cry on' for a while, but it will become obvious eventually if he does have feelings.

Glad your doing well

Thank you As I said, I'd like to stay in contact with him even as a friend.

nerak_y

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Sorry, did I miss the fact that you are still in the house you shared with him? For some reason I thought you had left and he had stayed.

I don't know what your financial circumstances are, but if you can turn the main bedroom into a 'safe haven' that is a good place to start. It doesn't have to be expensive - hit the charity shops/car boot sales/dunelm mill or other cheapie places. Find lovely silky,lacey, feminine (or Gothic if that's your style!) curtains/drapes/bedding/cushions/rugs. Pretty candles and pictures can be bought cheaply from poundshops, B&M etc. Paint the walls metallic gold if that's your thing!

Basically turn it into YOUR room, and get his energy, scent, and presence out of it.

Hello :-)
In addition to what LazyDaisy has suggested, if it isn't to airy fairy for you, try burning sage (preferably white) to cleanse your home of the negativity and restore some balance. I find it is a mental attitude that helps the moving forward process. You can find it easily online, but also in the hippy style shops that sell crystals etc. Here is a wee linky! Hope you sleep well! xx
http://www.meyna.com/use.html

xx