FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

zzzLazyDaisy

I agree with the others, you are vulnerable, and even if Sam might one day be right for you, that time is not now. How do I know, when I know nothing about you? Because I know that your head and emotions are all over the place, that if you did do anything about your feelings for Sam right now, you would take all that confused, messed up *stuff* with you, and effectively you would be inviting your OH and his abusive energy to come with you into this new relationship. That is one quick way to kill something that could possibly be good at some point in the future, once you have healed (and no I am not keen on the term either, but I can't think of another way to put it). Relationships are not (or shouldn't be) crutches or therapy, you need to get back on an even keel, emotionally, first, otherwise you are at risk of building up a fantasy relationship.

Can I suggest that you get a copy of this book (even if you just get it out of the library).

"The New Rules: The dating dos and don'ts for the digital generation from the bestselling authors of The Rules [Paperback]
Ellen Fein (Author), Sherrie Schneider (Author)"

I am suggesting it because it gives you permission to slow down, put yourself first, and wait for the man to come to you in his own time rather than trying to try and make it happen. It may make you stop and think - it may even make you realise that you have made some of these mistakes before in relationships. I am not suggesting that you follow it slavishly, but I am suggesting that it may help you to keep a clear head. I know from experience and regret, how easy it is to bounce into a new relationship and ruin it, when your world has been turned upside down. Take a breather and give yourself time x

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

I agree with the others, you are vulnerable, and even if Sam might one day be right for you, that time is not now. How do I know, when I know nothing about you? Because I know that your head and emotions are all over the place, that if you did do anything about your feelings for Sam right now, you would take all that confused, messed up *stuff* with you, and effectively you would be inviting your OH and his abusive energy to come with you into this new relationship. That is one quick way to kill something that could possibly be good at some point in the future, once you have healed (and no I am not keen on the term either, but I can't think of another way to put it). Relationships are not (or shouldn't be) crutches or therapy, you need to get back on an even keel, emotionally, first, otherwise you are at risk of building up a fantasy relationship.

Can I suggest that you get a copy of this book (even if you just get it out of the library).

"The New Rules: The dating dos and don'ts for the digital generation from the bestselling authors of The Rules [Paperback]
Ellen Fein (Author), Sherrie Schneider (Author)"

I am suggesting it because it gives you permission to slow down, put yourself first, and wait for the man to come to you in his own time rather than trying to try and make it happen. It may make you stop and think - it may even make you realise that you have made some of these mistakes before in relationships. I am not suggesting that you follow it slavishly, but I am suggesting that it may help you to keep a clear head. I know from experience and regret, how easy it is to bounce into a new relationship and ruin it, when your world has been turned upside down. Take a breather and give yourself time x

Just to clarify, in case I am giving the impression that I want to run into the arms of this guy nothing could be further from the truth. I know for sure that I need time to myself, to come to terms with what's happened, because the idea that my OH is abusive is still a shock to me. I need to heal, to just be myself, to have some peace, to learn from this so that it never happens again and I can recognise the signs in future.

Ideally, even if there is any hope of anything happening between me and Sam, I wouldn't want it to happen for at least 9-12 months. For my sake and for his. I would want it to be for the right reasons, and I would want it to last.

BTW, he has not told me that he has any feelings for me. He has simply been my good friend. Since that night that he held my hand, he has never come on to me - but I was with someone else from then until now. But even so. Maybe he was attracted to me then, but isn't now.

So I am well aware that this may be pure wishful thinking on my part.

Kayalana99

But on a more postive spin I was in a simlar postion and got with my OH a few weeks after and we now have our second child on the way, a mortage & are planning on getting married in June 2014 (if we can raise the funds :') )

I think when your ready you will know, and thier is no time limit to these things.

I suppose its been a long winding road for you but I knew my relationship was over long before I actally left him and my head was a mess I admit - but my OH came along was to good of a chance to turn down to say the least, and I never regretted it.

mcja

Tayforth, just rest for a bit. You have been through a hell of a lot for a very long time.

If this man is the one you will spend the rest of your life with he will still be there in a few weeks when you are stronger. If not, he has a really small willy and his farts stink like rotten eggs

Enjoy having control of the remote, only your dishes to do, the whole bed to yourself etc for a while.

tayforth

Kayalana99 wrote: »

But on a more postive spin I was in a simlar postion and got with my OH a few weeks after and we now have our second child on the way, a mortage & are planning on getting married in June 2014 (if we can raise the funds :') )

I think when your ready you will know, and thier is no time limit to these things.

I suppose its been a long winding road for you but I knew my relationship was over long before I actally left him and my head was a mess I admit - but my OH came along was to good of a chance to turn down to say the least, and I never regretted it.

You see, knowing that for so long probably helped you in a way.

Here's why I say that.

I have been emotionally detaching from my ex (that nice word again) for a long time, but because I didn't realise that he was abusive, I didnt really understand why. Now, that will seem ridiculous to most people. Since I had put up with his **** for so long, I couldn't understand why I was withdrawing from him at this point. But I think that I just couldn't take any more.

Subconsciously, my mind was preparing me for leaving him and giving me the strength to detach, slowly but irrevocably. I know that now. And I'm so glad.

So I may be ready for a new relationship in a few months, depending on how well I work through all my emotions.

But the reason I wouldn't want things to happen too quickly between me and Sam is more for his sake; he may be wary, he may feel that not enough time has passed or that I'm not really 'over it'. I want him to see that I am over it, and emotionally well again.

tayforth

mcja wrote: »

Tayforth, just rest for a bit. You have been through a hell of a lot for a very long time.

If this man is the one you will spend the rest of your life with he will still be there in a few weeks when you are stronger. If not, he has a really small willy and his farts stink like rotten eggs

Enjoy having control of the remote, only your dishes to do, the whole bed to yourself etc for a while.

Thank you. And thanks for the laugh. And I will take your words to heart.

Incidentally, I slept in the spare room last night, which is where I've slept for most of the last 2 months. I think I felt safer there.

paulineb_2

tayforth wrote: »

You see, knowing that for so long probably helped you in a way.

Here's why I say that.

I have been emotionally detaching from my ex (that nice word again) for a long time, but because I didn't realise that he was abusive, I didnt really understand why. Now, that will seem ridiculous to most people. Since I had put up with his **** for so long, I couldn't understand why I was withdrawing from him at this point. But I think that I just couldn't take any more.

Subconsciously, my mind was preparing me for leaving him and giving me the strength to detach, slowly but irrevocably. I know that now. And I'm so glad.

So I may be ready for a new relationship in a few months, depending on how well I work through all my emotions.

But the reason I wouldn't want things to happen too quickly between me and Sam is more for his sake; he may be wary, he may feel that not enough time has passed or that I'm not really 'over it'. I want him to see that I am over it, and emotionally well again.

I think at some point in order either to move on or to put the ghost of what might have been to rest then you need to put the feelers out as to whether he is interested in you.

And as discreetly as possible, because even though your OH hasnt behaved well, if it were me I would still be wary about getting it on with one of his friends.

Either way you'll know once and for all.

Kayalana99

I havn't really said this yet but Congras btw :-)

I did that to in a way..I couldn't bare the thought of sleeping in a double bed so I used to sleep on my sofa...but then I do love my sofa and its soooo comfie..I still sleep on it when my OH works nights (not alot but usally around xmas his work ask him to do it) its almost a treat for me... maybe im just weird actally...:rotfl:

As for this 'Sam' I think if you were to get with him pretty soon he wouldn't be a true friend to your Ex..you may find even if he does have feelings for this reason you could never be together (it depends on his morals to his friend I guess!!)

Personally ...if this Sam guy is 'to close' to your Ex I would turn my back on it purely because I wouldn't want any links to him but thats your decision in the long run and it depends what your comfortable with.

I meant no reasoning with my post as it happens differnertly for everyone, i never went out looking for my OH it just happened.

Actally it started because my Ex stole my phone and when I posted my new number on facebook this guy basicly took it and wouldn't stop texting me constantly...I didn't really know him well before this lol

Love Karma.... :-)

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

I think at some point in order either to move on or to put the ghost of what might have been to rest then you need to put the feelers out as to whether he is interested in you.

And as discreetly as possible, because even though your OH hasnt behaved well, if it were me I would still be wary about getting it on with one of his friends.

Either way you'll know once and for all.

I'll see. I would like to know one way or another. But right now I can't think about how to go about it. That's for another day.

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I havn't really said this yet but Congras btw :-)

I did that to in a way..I couldn't bare the thought of sleeping in a double bed so I used to sleep on my sofa...but then I do love my sofa and its soooo comfie..I still sleep on it when my OH works nights (not alot but usally around xmas his work ask him to do it) its almost a treat for me... maybe im just weird actally...:rotfl:

As for this 'Sam' I think if you were to get with him pretty soon he wouldn't be a true friend to your Ex..you may find even if he does have feelings for this reason you could never be together (it depends on his morals to his friend I guess!!)

Personally ...if this Sam guy is 'to close' to your Ex I would turn my back on it purely because I wouldn't want any links to him but thats your decision in the long run and it depends what your comfortable with.

I meant no reasoning with my post as it happens differnertly for everyone, i never went out looking for my OH it just happened.

Actally it started because my Ex stole my phone and when I posted my new number on facebook this guy basicly took it and wouldn't stop texting me constantly...I didn't really know him well before this lol

Love Karma.... :-)

They're not really close. They're in a large group of about 25 friends, but they're by no means close. If it were his best mate then obviously I wouldn't even dream of going there, ever.

Ironically, if Sam knew what my ex was really like, he'd probably disown him. But I can't lower myself to tell him. Even so, he'll know that it must have been something major. He's told me that he thinks of me as a good person - I think he'll know that I woudn't break it off with the ex for a trivial reason.

Aw, I love that you have such a lovely OH now and I love your story! xxx

tesuhoha

So what would you do if Sam turned up on your doorstep at the weekend and asked you out?