FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

Kayalana99

I think the main reason before I say this is I wasn't very open at all, the only person who knows what I really went through with my Ex (and a few of you guys have gotten more information in bits and bobs then my friends tbh) is my OH...but even he doesnt know everything.

I won't go into the situation in detail but I got with my OH soon after I left my Ex which meant they 'crossed swords' so to speak and my OH is the only person who has seen him ..lets say act that way towards me..and my Ex's little brother I guess.

My OH was gobsmacked to be quite honest as he kind of new him and said that he never would of belived me if he hadnt seen it for himself.

My own mum doesnt no the inns and outs other then we broke up alot... and she actally feels sorry for him how we broke up as he was in a bad situation to say the least (another story). My friends never turned against me but one of them espically stayed in contact with him and I didnt no...he kept having all this information about me and I didnt no where he was getting it from untill he basicly laughed in my face and told me my own friend likes him better cause she tells me everything in which I confronted her and told her that although I love her to bits and I understand why she feels bad for the guy he is basicly using her for information...so she stopped talking to him -.-

Someone eariler on was on about 'taking the high road' well I tell you I took it, tbh I dont have much care for what people think of me but I do know that my Mum & my friends actally feel like I screwed him over because I choose not to go round spreading everything he has done to me so it basicly seemed like I left him in this 'bad situation' and within a few weeks found someone else but ..and I think you'll understand this the most atm tay cause I belive its how you feel after all the crap he has put you through no matter how caring a person you are...you just dont give a **** what happens to him because of everything he has done to you..

I think in the long run it doesnt matter...its all in the past now and my friends are still my friends, my mum doesnt give him a second thought now as it was over 2 years ago.

Obvouisly at this time its going to be all fresh but if you care to much what people think you will be stuck in the loop of trying to defend yourself, retelling the stories, trying to get people to understand, getting frustrated..sleepless nights.

Its best to move on, say it didnt work out and try and put it behind you. If friends choose him over you without knowing the full story...thier probally not really your friends but his if you get my drift..

Sorry for the TMI, I try not to go on about it unless I think its relevant but I think I just ramble on to much when I get started!!

nerak_y

Good Afternoon Tayforth! Welcome to your first day as a fellow single lady :-)

I remember reading Sportbeth's link to sociapaths, my ex ticked 8 boxes also. Leaving out the highly intelligent and poetically speaking every other one was spot on. He wasn't that stupid though, manipulation takes a degree of intelligence and he was rough sounding but made himself charming with it to other people so again, the intelligence was present to some extent.

Abusive relationships by nature are secretive so your friend should be taking what you have passed on as face value, I'm in agreement that those who don't support you are best left in the past also.

As a previous poster mentioned, be wary in how he plays his card the next wee while. He may go from one extreme to the next, don't let either influence you, or scare you. Keep it at the forefront of your mind the life you now want for yourself, and set about making that happen :-)

Big hugs brave lady! xx

paulineb_2

People give me a hard time for being single because its the done thing to be in a couple. Not my mum, shes on her own as well, not my brother, hes in a long term relationship.

But other people can be very pass remarkable. I have a mate who is married, has been married about 15 years, they had 2 kids to try and patch up the marriage, still together, still miserable.

People expect you to pair off, get married, settle down. But I live my life for me, not other people. If someone came along tomorrow who was wonderful and we got on and I was happy with them then Id happily date someone.

Ive never made a lifestyle choice to be single, just that I wont go back to some of the relationships I left and if its a choice between being in a couple and unhappy or single and happy. Im perfectly happy.

tayforth

Kayalana99 wrote: »

I think the main reason before I say this is I wasn't very open at all, the only person who knows what I really went through with my Ex (and a few of you guys have gotten more information in bits and bobs then my friends tbh) is my OH...but even he doesnt know everything.

I won't go into the situation in detail but I got with my OH soon after I left my Ex which meant they 'crossed swords' so to speak and my OH is the only person who has seen him ..lets say act that way towards me..and my Ex's little brother I guess.

My OH was gobsmacked to be quite honest as he kind of new him and said that he never would of belived me if he hadnt seen it for himself.

My own mum doesnt no the inns and outs other then we broke up alot... and she actally feels sorry for him how we broke up as he was in a bad situation to say the least (another story). My friends never turned against me but one of them espically stayed in contact with him and I didnt no...he kept having all this information about me and I didnt no where he was getting it from untill he basicly laughed in my face and told me my own friend likes him better cause she tells me everything in which I confronted her and told her that although I love her to bits and I understand why she feels bad for the guy he is basicly using her for information...so she stopped talking to him -.-

Someone eariler on was on about 'taking the high road' well I tell you I took it, tbh I dont have much care for what people think of me but I do know that my Mum & my friends actally feel like I screwed him over because I choose not to go round spreading everything he has done to me so it basicly seemed like I left him in this 'bad situation' and within a few weeks found someone else but ..and I think you'll understand this the most atm tay cause I belive its how you feel after all the crap he has put you through no matter how caring a person you are...you just dont give a **** what happens to him because of everything he has done to you..

I think in the long run it doesnt matter...its all in the past now and my friends are still my friends, my mum doesnt give him a second thought now as it was over 2 years ago.

Obvouisly at this time its going to be all fresh but if you care to much what people think you will be stuck in the loop of trying to defend yourself, retelling the stories, trying to get people to understand, getting frustrated..sleepless nights.

Its best to move on, say it didnt work out and try and put it behind you. If friends choose him over you without knowing the full story...thier probally not really your friends but his if you get my drift..

Sorry for the TMI, I try not to go on about it unless I think its relevant but I think I just ramble on to much when I get started!!

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I'll be doing the same as you and keeping my dignity, I won't be slagging him off to mutual friends and I'll only tell my closest friends any details.

By the way, your post wasn't TMI at all. The more I hear others' experiences, the more I can see that I've really done the right thing, and I can hope that I will be happy in the future xxx

tayforth

nerak_y wrote: »

Good Afternoon Tayforth! Welcome to your first day as a fellow single lady :-)

I remember reading Sportbeth's link to sociapaths, my ex ticked 8 boxes also. Leaving out the highly intelligent and poetically speaking every other one was spot on. He wasn't that stupid though, manipulation takes a degree of intelligence and he was rough sounding but made himself charming with it to other people so again, the intelligence was present to some extent.

Abusive relationships by nature are secretive so your friend should be taking what you have passed on as face value, I'm in agreement that those who don't support you are best left in the past also.

As a previous poster mentioned, be wary in how he plays his card the next wee while. He may go from one extreme to the next, don't let either influence you, or scare you. Keep it at the forefront of your mind the life you now want for yourself, and set about making that happen :-)

Big hugs brave lady! xx

Thank you. I'll try to be mentally prepared for anything that he can throw at me. And I won't be cowed into changing my mind, no matter what.

He's emailed to ask if he can come round for the bulk of his stuff tomorrow evening. I've said yes. Just want rid of it. That's not to say that I won't shed a little tear when I see his empty wardrobe. But I'll put my own things in it (never have enough storage space anyway!) and that'll be that. If nothing else, I'll have a tidier house!

In fact, this evening, I'm going to give the place a damn good clean, and maybe declutter a bit, move a few things around. It'll make him see that I'm making wholesale changes and starting afresh. That I now consider it my house, not ours.

paulineb wrote: »

People give me a hard time for being single because its the done thing to be in a couple. Not my mum, shes on her own as well, not my brother, hes in a long term relationship.

But other people can be very pass remarkable. I have a mate who is married, has been married about 15 years, they had 2 kids to try and patch up the marriage, still together, still miserable.

People expect you to pair off, get married, settle down. But I live my life for me, not other people. If someone came along tomorrow who was wonderful and we got on and I was happy with them then Id happily date someone.

Ive never made a lifestyle choice to be single, just that I wont go back to some of the relationships I left and if its a choice between being in a couple and unhappy or single and happy. Im perfectly happy.

Good for you! You're dead right! xx

zzzLazyDaisy

Big hugs to you ((((((( hugs)))))))

Please remember, in the immediate aftermath of leaving, he may try to win you back OR try to punish you (or both).

Examples of this may vary from cutting you dead and saying bad things about you, to apologising and professing his love for you, and lots of things in between.

The thing to remember is that the point of the exercise is to keep you obsessing over him and/or the situation, to keep your energy focussed in his direction.

It is likely to get harder before it gets easier, because with the distance from him, you are likely to start to remember the good times especially if you are feeling lonely. This stage doesn't last, and you will come through it stronger than ever, but please take care of yourself and be kind and gentle to yourself during this period. It may help to close down contact (fb, text, e-mail, phone etc) and to consciously change your thoughts when you find them straying to him - it is easier said than done, but people with narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies seem to have a knack of sensing when you are thinking of them and 'feeding' off that energy... keep your precious loving energy and use it to take care of yourself.

xx

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

Big hugs to you ((((((( hugs)))))))

Please remember, in the immediate aftermath of leaving, he may try to win you back OR try to punish you (or both).

Examples of this may vary from cutting you dead and saying bad things about you, to apologising and professing his love for you, and lots of things in between.

The thing to remember is that the point of the exercise is to keep you obsessing over him and/or the situation, to keep your energy focussed in his direction.

It is likely to get harder before it gets easier, because with the distance from him, you are likely to start to remember the good times especially if you are feeling lonely. This stage doesn't last, and you will come through it stronger than ever, but please take care of yourself and be kind and gentle to yourself during this period. It may help to close down contact (fb, text, e-mail, phone etc) and to consciously change your thoughts when you find them straying to him - it is easier said than done, but people with narcissistic or sociopathic tendencies seem to have a knack of sensing when you are thinking of them and 'feeding' off that energy... keep your precious loving energy and use it to take care of yourself.

xx

Thank you, such wise words. I will remember what you said.

In fact, I'm thinking of printing this entire thread and keeping it by my bed for when I wake up in the middle of the night feeling low.

paulineb_2

And for me personally, the best thing about being away from exes who said I would never amount to anything (too shy, too stupid), Ive a degree and two post grads, the last post grad I did was while I was with an ex who did nothing but put me down, wasnt interested, was a stupid idea etc etc etc.

I never had a burning desire to teach fitness classes but somehow Ive done it and I can absolutely hear a conversation the way it would have panned out if I were still with my last ex, waste of money, Id never pass it blah blah.

People can crush you with words, Ive had it all, my appearance, my not being the loudest person on earth, my hair, had to wear it up and not down, highlights, oh no, not to colour your hair.
Everything. And you know it can sometimes take a long time for your head to get back to normal and think that other people dont view you like that.

Personally I think I had a bit too much spirit for some bfs, I had my own opinions, I was my own person. Wasnt supposed to be like that.

And Im really proud of myself that I have my own business and I dont think I'll ever be rich but thats ok. But you get fed up of being absolutely and thoroughly unsupported.

I went through issues with a job where my physical safety was at risk because I got a job someone else wanted and I also made changes to ways the project was being run (people were being treated badly, money being withheld from them). I ended up ill, really ill with stress. I was sacked for complaining about my working conditions.

And my bf at the time didnt care. He said I should have let staff get away with murder so that I would have an easy life. I got nil support during my tribunal.

I later found out he had cheated on me twice (once he slept with someone, the other not). But for me the straw that broke the camels back was when he sent a Valentine to someone in his work and that was the year I was going through my tribunal. My birthday is the day before Valentines.

And my ex bf didnt DO cards, but he bought an expensive card for someone at his work, wrote it and posted it.

And that was my get lost and dont ever darken my door again moment. I basically phoned him up and said dont ever phone me again (not likely anyway, Id have been surprised if he even knew my number) and thats it, we are done.

I could go on and on because theres lots more. But these days, the people in my life, including friends are people who support me. I wont settle for anything less because Ive had so many unsupportive people in my life in previous years.

Anything that you enjoy doing and want to do, no matter how ridiculous it might sound to someone else, get out there and do it.

And I was 38 when I did my fitness instructors exam and 41 when I started teaching. Theres a big world out there of possibilities.

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

And for me personally, the best thing about being away from exes who said I would never amount to anything (too shy, too stupid), Ive a degree and two post grads, the last post grad I did was while I was with an ex who did nothing but put me down, wasnt interested, was a stupid idea etc etc etc.

I never had a burning desire to teach fitness classes but somehow Ive done it and I can absolutely hear a conversation the way it would have panned out if I were still with my last ex, waste of money, Id never pass it blah blah.

People can crush you with words, Ive had it all, my appearance, my not being the loudest person on earth, my hair, had to wear it up and not down, highlights, oh no, not to colour your hair.
Everything. And you know it can sometimes take a long time for your head to get back to normal and think that other people dont view you like that.

Personally I think I had a bit too much spirit for some bfs, I had my own opinions, I was my own person. Wasnt supposed to be like that.

And Im really proud of myself that I have my own business and I dont think I'll ever be rich but thats ok. But you get fed up of being absolutely and thoroughly unsupported.

I went through issues with a job where my physical safety was at risk because I got a job someone else wanted and I also made changes to ways the project was being run (people were being treated badly, money being withheld from them). I ended up ill, really ill with stress. I was sacked for complaining about my working conditions.

And my bf at the time didnt care. He said I should have let staff get away with murder so that I would have an easy life. I got nil support during my tribunal.

I later found out he had cheated on me twice (once he slept with someone, the other not). But for me the straw that broke the camels back was when he sent a Valentine to someone in his work and that was the year I was going through my tribunal. My birthday is the day before Valentines.

And my ex bf didnt DO cards, but he bought an expensive card for someone at his work, wrote it and posted it.

And that was my get lost and dont ever darken my door again moment. I basically phoned him up and said dont ever phone me again (not likely anyway, Id have been surprised if he even knew my number) and thats it, we are done.

I could go on and on because theres lots more. But these days, the people in my life, including friends are people who support me. I wont settle for anything less because Ive had so many unsupportive people in my life in previous years.

Anything that you enjoy doing and want to do, no matter how ridiculous it might sound to someone else, get out there and do it.

And I was 38 when I did my fitness instructors exam and 41 when I started teaching. Theres a big world out there of possibilities.

You're really inspirational. I know that's a word that's used a lot these days, but to me you are inspiring.

I'd love a change. My career is fairly well-paid, but SO SO boring. I hate the thought of doing the same 9-5 job for another 30 years. I'd love to explore new possibilities. Or I could go part-time for a while and have more time to myself. I could afford to, I have decent savings.

I could put down a big deposit on a house but I don't want to tie myself to anywhere just now, not until I figure out what I want from life. So that's out - for a while.

I don't have any in-demand qualifications but I'd love to do something different.

But I think that I'm so used to having no money worries that I fear leaving to do something more interesting but less well-paid. I always think: at least I'm ok financially, that's one less thing to worry about. And I don't want to eat into my savings too much in case I do need to buy a house and support myself forever.

It's a comfort blanket, really.

paulineb_2

Well you could always look at doing something part time. Or even just a bit of study, look at local college prospectuses, a lot of courses are on Saturday mornings.

Inspirational? Thank you, thats a very kind thing to say. Was absolute chance that someone said to me go and do the course and I did it and also a really chance advert for instructors that I took up but Im now out on my own in the community and local parks as well.
And I get a lot of satisfaction from what I do, but as I said above I had no one nagging in my ear telling me what a rubbish idea it would be.

Sometimes you just fall into things. My brother did his gym level 2 after I did my ETM (exercise to music) and hes now a PT, hes younger than me, 34. But I would never thought of him doing that as well even though hes always been sporty (unlike me, I only took up exercise seriously in my late 20s).

But even if its just something you want to do for you, flower arranging, cake decorating, Indian Head Massage, anything, theres always something that can spark an interest and you can do some courses in a day, theres so much out there. I know loads of people who work full time and have a hobby outside of that, one girl I know sells bag charms and other arty stuff. Ive done courses in reiki and other similar things and I only do it for friends and dont charge people, but sometimes when you hit a low patch, its good to go and do something totally different from your day job. You meet new people, its good for the soul I think.

You dont need to do a big career change and do something for less money if its important to be settled. The job I left (working for charities), I loved the job but there were so many low points and the pay was never that great anyway and I do have moments where I think, I really miss it. But I dont miss it enough to go back to it.

Just a thought that there could be some college evening courses or saturday courses you might want to do.

Also, I dont know if you know the site meet up? I can be too much of a hermit for my own good, but 6 months ago I joined meet up and theres a group of people who go out about once a month, sometimes more usually for a meal, all people who want to kickstart their social life. And theres so many other meet up groups around, fitness, therapies. If you have meet up groups near you, once you feel up to it, Id recommend it for getting you out and about if you think it would do you good.