FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

claire16c

Like said above, people who are abusive only do it in front of their victim.

So turn to the friends who are being supportive.

Perhaps your friend meant it in the nicest way possible, but dont take what she said to heart because she wasnt in the relationship, YOU were. If hes so nice, tell him she can go live with him! She might have said it without properly thinking. So try not to be upset.

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

Sod them. If people cant support you at a time like this they arent worth it.

Seriously. Yes I understand why you are upset but if someone had a go at me when I needed their support the most Id be questioning whether or not they really had my best interests at heart.

Id never give someone grief if they told me they had ended a marriage or relationship no matter if I liked their partner.

Same here. I would always offer support to a friend.

She wasn't horrible, she just said that she thought that I was being too hasty and that things couldn't be that bad. And that he was a nice guy and they're hard to find.

I said that it wasn't a sudden thing, that it was bad enough for me to end it, that I'd thought and agonised over it for a long time and that I might end up alone but that I'd actually been lonelier in my marriage than I could ever be even if I were on my own.


Some background: she's a bit older than me and (long-term) single, and has always had rose-tinted view of relationships. I'm wondering if she actually thinks that having *any* man is better than none.

claire16c wrote: »

Like said above, people who are abusive only do it in front of their victim.

So turn to the friends who are being supportive.

Perhaps your friend meant it in the nicest way possible, but dont take what she said to heart because she wasnt in the relationship, YOU were. If hes so nice, tell him she can go live with him! She might have said it without properly thinking. So try not to be upset.

I know, she probably didn't mean to upset me. But she has. I was feeling fragile even before I spoke to her.

paulineb_2

Perhaps dont start telling people right now, let the news filter through in its own time and take some time to be on your own.

Its your life, your decision and people dont know what you have been through.

Hiddenidenity

tayforth wrote: »

Then I came off the phone and cried. Her reaction upset me, but who's to say that others won't think the same? That OH is basically a good guy and that I've been unfair?

This you will probably come across more than you think.

Just remember NO ONE knows what goes on behind closed doors only you and him. You don't need to justify why you left, and it will be a shock to some of your friends you have "hidden" how awful things were from.

Just remember there is only you who decides how you live your life and what makes you happy. He wasn't it no matter how many people think you are wrong and are shocked at your decision it doesn't matter you dont have anything to prove to anyone

Sorry I lurked all the way through and didn't post but well done on getting out xx

paulineb_2

I have an ex who recently remarried and his wife has just had a baby and I am positive that everyone who knows him, friends, family thinks hes the salt of the earth and a lovely guy.

He wasnt lovely to me. I would bet he wasnt lovely to a lot of exes and his first marriage lasted less than a year.

But when people are charming and now how to charm people thats the public aura they give off. I remember saying to a friend about that ex, he does things in public to make him look nice, but he wasnt nice to me, it was an emotionally abusive relationship.

And really to be honest with you, after I had told people some of what went on and how unhappy I had been (he ended it but he was on the edges of my life for years after) I left people to it. And it didnt bother me if people I knew who were mutual friends thought he was the bees knees or stayed friends with him.

Sometimes you need to put yourself first and do what it takes to recover and not feel that you need to explain yourself to everyone.

And after the initial shock horror, the gossip dies down. I remember a friend of mine (who was going out with a friend of the person Im talking about above), left her husband after being married 3 months.

He wasnt coping with his mums death, he was extremely jealous and he hit my friend in public one Christmas in front of a group of us.
And even then, people were split. Some people never spoke to him again, some people did and even after she told her family what was going on (they had been seeing one another 6 years by that point), she was put under pressure by her family to marry him (big wedding, all paid for).

And what happened was someone we randomly bumped into on a night out, told her he loved her, turned up at her house on her wedding day, she went through with the wedding but 3 months later she left him, moved in with the other guy and theyve been married over 20 years and have 2 kids.

And it caused a scandal, but it was her life and people got over it.
And believe me, the last person we ever thought would split up were those two, they seemed rock solid.

People have their 5 minutes and they get over it. So many things going on in the world to worry about.

And Im a bit older than you and I live on my own and yes sometimes people give me a hard time for being single (my family dont), but its none of their business.

Better to be on your own than be in a rotten relationship (and Ive had many, too many).

julie2710

Firstly well done. New start now! Secondly, the friend, like everyone had already said will certainly have a different view of him than you will. She wasn't living with him for starters. I had an abusive relationship a long time ago now. My ex used to verbally and emotionally and then eventually physically abuse me but in public and to others he was charm personified. Of course during the relationship I never confided in anyone as part of the way in which he controlled me was to ensure that I felt it was my fault he treated me that way. I knew how everyone perceived him so thought they would think it was my fault too.

Eventually, I left him, although it took the police being called and a long chat with a policeman to convince me that I should get out. I did get some of the disbelieving, have you over exaggerated this thing from friends. In all fairness they were the friends who eventually fell by the wayside.

He did try on several occasions to persuade me to go back and it would have been the easy thing to do but I kept strong. In the end he showed his true colours when he came to my parents house looking for me and attacked my brother in the street.

You know deep down that you made the right choice. If you are anything like I was then you probably feel a bit like a weight has been lifted off you. Stay strong, never forget the reason you split and ignore comments from people who haven't lived your life for the last few years.

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

Perhaps dont start telling people right now, let the news filter through in its own time and take some time to be on your own.

Its your life, your decision and people dont know what you have been through.

I want people to know, though. I want it all to be official, no way back. But I'm not sure if I can cope with telling everyone. Maybe I'll tell one or two people and let them know that I don't mind them telling others.

And the fewer people know before my sister's wedding, the less chance of my family finding out. But none of 'my' friends will be at the wedding and they don't know my sister. So I'll choose carefully who I tell in the next 2 weeks.

Hiddenidenity wrote: »

This you will probably come across more than you think.

Just remember NO ONE knows what goes on behind closed doors only you and him. You don't need to justify why you left, and it will be a shock to some of your friends you have "hidden" how awful things were from.

Just remember there is only you who decides how you live your life and what makes you happy. He wasn't it no matter how many people think you are wrong and are shocked at your decision it doesn't matter you dont have anything to prove to anyone

Sorry I lurked all the way through and didn't post but well done on getting out xx

Thanks so much for coming out of hiding to post that, and you're right. I'll just have to live with it if it happens xx

sportbeth

tayforth wrote: »

Good morning.

I slept ok last night - think it was exhaustion rather than anything else. I was so focused on last night that I hadn't considered how I might feel afterwards. I phoned a friend to tell her after I'd logged off MSE, and she had a bit of a go at me, saying that I'd been too hasty and that OH had always seemed so nice to her. I asked her to trust me when I said that things had been really bad, I don't want to go into details with everyone.


Then I came off the phone and cried. Her reaction upset me, but who's to say that others won't think the same? That OH is basically a good guy and that I've been unfair?"

Hello lovely lady,

First of all, WELL DONE!! Today is the first day of the rest of your life. So pleased you've started the journey. enjoy it.

Secondly, if your now "ex" (does that sound good me saying it?) is a sociopath as my ex was, he will appear to be brilliantly charismatic to others and when they find out the true story they will feel totally hoodwinked by his charm.

Take a look at this link, it talks about the 10 red flags of a Sociopath

http://www.naturalnews.com/036112_sociopaths_cults_influence.html

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

I have an ex who recently remarried and his wife has just had a baby and I am positive that everyone who knows him, friends, family thinks hes the salt of the earth and a lovely guy.

He wasnt lovely to me. I would bet he wasnt lovely to a lot of exes and his first marriage lasted less than a year.

But when people are charming and now how to charm people thats the public aura they give off. I remember saying to a friend about that ex, he does things in public to make him look nice, but he wasnt nice to me, it was an emotionally abusive relationship.

And really to be honest with you, after I had told people some of what went on and how unhappy I had been (he ended it but he was on the edges of my life for years after) I left people to it. And it didnt bother me if people I knew who were mutual friends thought he was the bees knees or stayed friends with him.

Sometimes you need to put yourself first and do what it takes to recover and not feel that you need to explain yourself to everyone.

And after the initial shock horror, the gossip dies down. I remember a friend of mine (who was going out with a friend of the person Im talking about above), left her husband after being married 3 months.

He wasnt coping with his mums death, he was extremely jealous and he hit my friend in public one Christmas in front of a group of us.
And even then, people were split. Some people never spoke to him again, some people did and even after she told her family what was going on (they had been seeing one another 6 years by that point), she was put under pressure by her family to marry him (big wedding, all paid for).

And what happened was someone we randomly bumped into on a night out, told her he loved her, turned up at her house on her wedding day, she went through with the wedding but 3 months later she left him, moved in with the other guy and theyve been married over 20 years and have 2 kids.

And it caused a scandal, but it was her life and people got over it.
And believe me, the last person we ever thought would split up were those two, they seemed rock solid.

People have their 5 minutes and they get over it. So many things going on in the world to worry about.

And Im a bit older than you and I live on my own and yes sometimes people give me a hard time for being single (my family dont), but its none of their business.

Better to be on your own than be in a rotten relationship (and Ive had many, too many).

People give you a hard time for being single?? Why?

As for your friend, she's right to live her own life. And I had some of that too, the pressure to go ahead with the wedding etc. But I take responsibility for going through with it.

And lastly, I wish with every fibre of my being that my friend would turn up on my doorstep sometime in the future and tell me that he loves me. But I mustn't think too much about that or I'll get really miserable. Not being with him is my biggest regret.

julie2710 wrote: »

Firstly well done. New start now! Secondly, the friend, like everyone had already said will certainly have a different view of him than you will. She wasn't living with him for starters. I had an abusive relationship a long time ago now. My ex used to verbally and emotionally and then eventually physically abuse me but in public and to others he was charm personified. Of course during the relationship I never confided in anyone as part of the way in which he controlled me was to ensure that I felt it was my fault he treated me that way. I knew how everyone perceived him so thought they would think it was my fault too.

Eventually, I left him, although it took the police being called and a long chat with a policeman to convince me that I should get out. I did get some of the disbelieving, have you over exaggerated this thing from friends. In all fairness they were the friends who eventually fell by the wayside.

He did try on several occasions to persuade me to go back and it would have been the easy thing to do but I kept strong. In the end he showed his true colours when he came to my parents house looking for me and attacked my brother in the street.

You know deep down that you made the right choice. If you are anything like I was then you probably feel a bit like a weight has been lifted off you. Stay strong, never forget the reason you split and ignore comments from people who haven't lived your life for the last few years.

Good for you. I have really taken heart from your words, sounds as if you went through the exact same thing as me.

I will be strong and not get upset if anyone takes that attitude with me, I'll just say what you said. Nobody else deserves to be privy to all the details, they'll just have to take my word that it was enough for me to break up with him.

tayforth

sportbeth wrote: »

tayforth wrote: »

Good morning.

I slept ok last night - think it was exhaustion rather than anything else. I was so focused on last night that I hadn't considered how I might feel afterwards. I phoned a friend to tell her after I'd logged off MSE, and she had a bit of a go at me, saying that I'd been too hasty and that OH had always seemed so nice to her. I asked her to trust me when I said that things had been really bad, I don't want to go into details with everyone.


Then I came off the phone and cried. Her reaction upset me, but who's to say that others won't think the same? That OH is basically a good guy and that I've been unfair?"

Hello lovely lady,

First of all, WELL DONE!! Today is the first day of the rest of your life. So pleased you've started the journey. enjoy it.

Secondly, if your now "ex" (does that sound good me saying it?) is a sociopath as my ex was, he will appear to be brilliantly charismatic to others and when they find out the true story they will feel totally hoodwinked by his charm.

Take a look at this link, it talks about the 10 red flags of a Sociopath

http://www.naturalnews.com/036112_sociopaths_cults_influence.html

Thank you so much, not just for your post today but for all your support so far.

Just read your link. Out of the ten signs, the following apply to my ex (and yes, I can call him that now). EIGHT out of ten signs. Holy sh*t.

---

10 signs for spotting a sociopath

#1) Sociopaths are charming. Sociopaths have high charisma and tend to attract a following just because people want to be around them. They have a "glow" about them that attracts people who typically seek guidance or direction. They often appear to be sexy or have a strong sexual attraction. - definitely true.

#2) Sociopaths are more spontaneous and intense than other people. They tend to do bizarre, sometimes erratic things that most regular people wouldn't do. They are unbound by normal social contracts. Their behavior often seems irrational or extremely risky. - he took a lot of drugs when he was younger, drinks to excess and drives too fast sometimes. He's very spontaneous and anyone who is less so is labelled 'boring'.

#3) Sociopaths are incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse. Their brains simply lack the circuitry to process such emotions. This allows them to betray people, threaten people or harm people without giving it a second thought. They pursue any action that serves their own self interest even if it seriously harms others. This is why you will find many very "successful" sociopaths in high levels of government, in any nation. - he never felt any remorse about the way he treated me and only apologised as a last resort. Even yesterday, he said that he had spent a week beating himself up about his abusive behaviour, but wanted to focus on the future and feel better about himself (!).

#5) Sociopaths seek to dominate others and "win" at all costs. They hate to lose any argument or fight and will viciously defend their web of lies, even to the point of logical absurdity. - 100% yes. All the time. I had to apologise every single time, even when he was in the wrong. I said to him many time, "You only care about winning the argument and having me grovel to you, you're not interested in reconciliation at all."

#6) Sociopaths tend to be highly intelligent, but they use their brainpower to deceive others rather than empower them. Their high IQs often makes them dangerous. This is why many of the best-known serial killers who successfully evaded law enforcement were sociopaths. - he has a PhD and is easily the most educated, well-read and academically intelligent person I know.

#7) Sociopaths are incapable of love and are entirely self-serving. They may feign love or compassion in order to get what they want, but they don't actually FEEL love in the way that you or I do. - I'm not 100% sure about this one, but yes, he is able to act in a loving way when it suits him. With hindsight, I don't know whether he ever really loved me in a normal way. Is he incapable of love? I don't know. But I'm ascribing this to him anyway, as he seems to be incapable of loving me.

#8) Sociopaths speak poetically. They are master wordsmiths, able to deliver a running "stream of consciousness" monologue that is both intriguing and hypnotic. They are expert storytellers and even poets. As a great example of this in action, watch this interview of Charles Manson on YouTube. - yes, he has an amazing vocabulary and imagination, and can weave words, stories and jokes out of nothing.

#9) Sociopaths never apologize. They are never wrong. They never feel guilt. They can never apologize. Even if shown proof that they were wrong, they will refuse to apologize and instead go on the attack. - this is also true - see above.