FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

aileth

I didn't see that before, and that story really makes my heart ache. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

tayforth

aileth wrote: »

I didn't see that before, and that story really makes my heart ache. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Yes, it is. Now that yesterday is over and I'm no longer fearful for my safety, I have begun to think about it all again. It's heartbreaking to think how different things could have been.


Worse - the friend I visited last week (who knows OH well - in fact, she introduced us) said that she always thought that I was too gentle, kind and ladylike for him, and that she always thought that I'd have been more suited to Sam (with whom she's also friends).


I have no idea how I managed to keep a straight face and change the subject. I felt like crying. I was bursting to tell her how I felt about Sam, but wouldn't put her in such an awkward position. It's the only secret I've ever kept from her, she's my closest friend.

zzzLazyDaisy

tayforth wrote: »

I won't go into details because I don't want to put you in an awkward position or try to turn you against him. I'd really like us to stay friends because I value your friendship.

There is nothing wrong with you picking up the phone to one or two people who you'd like to keep in touch with, and saying just that...

"I am just phoning to let you know that OH and I have separated. I won't go into details because I don't want to put you in an awkward position or try to turn you against him. I just wanted you to know that I value your friendship and I'd really like us to stay friends."

In fact a friend once did exactly that, and I was really pleased to hear from her I hadn't contacted her as I didn't want to poke my nose into her business, and although I never told her, I was never keen on her OH anyway! Not saying your friends will respond in the same way, but you won't know unless you make contact.

xxx

paulineb_2

Dont live your life on the what ifs and if onlys. Seriously, you may know this guy really well and he might be the nicest kindest person on earth. BUT. You are currently vulnerable and seeing things with rose tinted specs on.

You could have got together with him and it could have lasted a week.

There are always people in our lives that we think, another time another place, but you really dont know how things might have panned out.

You might have broken his heart, he might have broken yours, you could have got together and it might have fizzled out or you could have met and been together for good.

But sometimes we use people as a kind of safety net, its just wishful thinking. Particularly as things havent worked out well for you and your husband of course you are thinking I wish I had gone there instead.

But this is 7 years on. If the time is right and hes single and you are and you want to be with him then fine.

But you need time to heal (I really dont like that word but cant think of another), get over what you have been through, dare I say it enjoy the single life for a while and then when you feel right and you meet someone else be with him.

Dont waste precious time kicking yourself about what ifs. Ive been there and done it and you know, sometimes youve got to think, well its the way it was meant to be, because Ive met so many people over the last 20 years or so that would have never been in my life if I had settled down with a couple of people (not the exes I was talking about).

Your feelings for this other guy might be real but when it gets down to reality in day to day life, you dont know him, you are attracted to him and theres nothing wrong with that.

But please just try and say to yourself ok, Ive got feelings for someone, it might work at some point in the future and try and get him out of your head for now.

Because you have enough sadness to cope with without kicking yourself for not taking things further 7 years ago.

Women are really good at beating themselves up about things that a lot of men probably wouldnt. Dont do that to yourself, you made a choice at the time, things didnt work out and you are moving on.

Whatever happens with this other guy or not.

tayforth

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with you picking up the phone to one or two people who you'd like to keep in touch with, and saying just that...

"I am just phoning to let you know that OH and I have separated. I won't go into details because I don't want to put you in an awkward position or try to turn you against him. I just wanted you to know that I value your friendship and I'd really like us to stay friends."

In fact a friend once did exactly that, and I was really pleased to hear from her I hadn't contacted her as I didn't want to poke my nose into her business, and although I never told her, I was never keen on her OH anyway! Not saying your friends will respond in the same way, but you won't know unless you make contact.

xxx

Thanks.

I have to phone one of them anyway, as we were due to go on a trip to Scotland with her and her OH, so I owe her a call.

lostinrates

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with you picking up the phone to one or two people who you'd like to keep in touch with, and saying just that...

"I am just phoning to let you know that OH and I have separated. I won't go into details because I don't want to put you in an awkward position or try to turn you against him. I just wanted you to know that I value your friendship and I'd really like us to stay friends."

In fact a friend once did exactly that, and I was really pleased to hear from her I hadn't contacted her as I didn't want to poke my nose into her business, and although I never told her, I was never keen on her OH anyway! Not saying your friends will respond in the same way, but you won't know unless you make contact.

xxx

One of my closest friends is actually the ex partner of someone who was then a close friend. I met the current friend as the former friends partner. Current fried reached out to me just like that and when former friend came looking I felt conflicted but told them both I was fond of them both and wanted to support them both and I would not take sides or tell tales or pass on news or whatever. Former friend, who I miss very much, became very angry as what they saw as betrayal by partner and friend but current friend understood.

I wish former friend had come to terms with it ( I infact think some trouble makers suggested to them I was in a relationship with the ex ) because I really do still think of them over ten years on with much fondness.

Any way, moral is, do exactly that (personally I would omit the bit about not wanting to turn them against him, because even that is a bit ...'intriguing' and damning.

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

One of my closest friends is actually the ex partner of someone who was then a close friend. I met the current friend as the former friends partner. Current fried reached out to me just like that and when former friend came looking I felt conflicted but told them both I was fond of them both and wanted to support them both and I would not take sides or tell tales or pass on news or whatever. Former friend, who I miss very much, became very angry as what they saw as betrayal by partner and friend but current friend understood.

I wish former friend had come to terms with it ( I infact think some trouble makers suggested to them I was in a relationship with the ex ) because I really do still think of them over ten years on with much fondness.

Any way, moral is, do exactly that (personally I would omit the bit about not wanting to turn them against him, because even that is a bit ...'intriguing' and damning.

Thanks for sharing. And you're right, that could sound damning. I might just say, "I don't want to say anything about him to you as you're his friends too."

Would that do?

tayforth

paulineb wrote: »

Dont live your life on the what ifs and if onlys. Seriously, you may know this guy really well and he might be the nicest kindest person on earth. BUT. You are currently vulnerable and seeing things with rose tinted specs on.

You could have got together with him and it could have lasted a week.

There are always people in our lives that we think, another time another place, but you really dont know how things might have panned out.

You might have broken his heart, he might have broken yours, you could have got together and it might have fizzled out or you could have met and been together for good.

But sometimes we use people as a kind of safety net, its just wishful thinking. Particularly as things havent worked out well for you and your husband of course you are thinking I wish I had gone there instead.

But this is 7 years on. If the time is right and hes single and you are and you want to be with him then fine.

But you need time to heal (I really dont like that word but cant think of another), get over what you have been through, dare I say it enjoy the single life for a while and then when you feel right and you meet someone else be with him.

Dont waste precious time kicking yourself about what ifs. Ive been there and done it and you know, sometimes youve got to think, well its the way it was meant to be, because Ive met so many people over the last 20 years or so that would have never been in my life if I had settled down with a couple of people (not the exes I was talking about).

Your feelings for this other guy might be real but when it gets down to reality in day to day life, you dont know him, you are attracted to him and theres nothing wrong with that.

But please just try and say to yourself ok, Ive got feelings for someone, it might work at some point in the future and try and get him out of your head for now.

Because you have enough sadness to cope with without kicking yourself for not taking things further 7 years ago.

Women are really good at beating themselves up about things that a lot of men probably wouldnt. Dont do that to yourself, you made a choice at the time, things didnt work out and you are moving on.

Whatever happens with this other guy or not.

I know, I shouldn't go there, even in my thoughts.

And I am vulnerable.

But I do know him well enough to know that my feelings are genuine. I liked him before I got together with OH, and he's been nothing but lovely in all the years I've known him. Whereas OH always had a bit of cockiness about him and can be a bit smart-*rsed at times, even in company, Sam is gentle, kind, open, nice to everyone.

I've been on fairly long trips away with him (in groups, obviously), we've spent a lot of time together and I know him well. I'm not projecting characteristics onto him.

I just WISH that he wasn't friends with OH as well, I fear that he would be held back by loyalty and OH is not worth it.

p.s. he is single.

lostinrates

tayforth wrote: »

Thanks for sharing. And you're right, that could sound damning. I might just say, "I don't want to say anything about him to you as you're his friends too."

Would that do?

I think that is perfect.

My point was really....it doesn't matter whose friends they were first, it matters where you all are now. People's choices may not be as clear as 'we knew him first' and you have nothing to lose by putting it out there that you care for the friendships.

tayforth

lostinrates wrote: »

I think that is perfect.

My point was really....it doesn't matter whose friends they were first, it matters where you all are now. People's choices may not be as clear as 'we knew him first' and you have nothing to lose by putting it out there that you care for the friendships.

Thank you for your advice, I'm grateful for it. And I will be honest and say that I value their friendship and don't want to lose it, because it's the truth