FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

msb5262 wrote: »

Hi tayforth,

I'm very glad to see you are here letting us know you're coping.
Don't put pressure on yourself to feel happy instantly...you have been through something very tough. It must have been incredibly hard to screw yourself up to make the decision, then carry it out, and you are bound to feel a bit stunned for a while.

You'll have ups and downs every day but I'm confident that you will also know in your innermost heart that things are going to get better and better for you. Be good to yourself and let yourself recover from this.

Have a lovely day

MsB x

Yes, it was very hard. And I don't know where I'm getting all this strength from. I probably am stunned and in shock still.

And I am fully expecting to have ups and downs, I'm prepared for it. I don't ever want to regret my decision. When I have a bad day, I will see it for what it is - a little blip on my path. And I'll keep my head up and keep going.

Thanks for your kind words MsB xx

heartbreak_star wrote: »

You sound so positive, tayforth - it's lovely to hear

HBS x

Thank you HBS xx

nerak_y wrote: »

That was an interesting read! I remember a few days after making a statement about my ex harassing me post split, the police sent me domestic violence leaflets. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. It hadn't actually dawned on me this was actually what was going on, since he had never been actually physically violent. I was very teary for a while after that.
I think that website would have been very helpful to read whilst still with him and most useful for people reading your thread feeling unsure about their own relationship.

Hope your day is looking good, and you stay strong and focused when he comes for his things. Loving the wee changes at home idea which will give him a big f**k off subliminal message of his own!! xx

Yes, I read a few of the links on that site - very useful. But some not so much. The site has a religious slant, which is not obvious at first from the link I posted. Anyway, I clicked on the 'stories' link. The first story I read was about an abusive husband getting help and changing his ways, and the wife taking him back. I scoffed and closed the page. Not for me, that sort of thing.

The f**k off message is exactly what I'm aiming for this evening, without having to say it. I want to say: you've abused me and treated me like sh*t, but you haven't broken me. And I already know that I'm better off without you. This is my house now. I want change. I'm ready for my new life.

Oh, I felt exactly the same after hearing the word 'abuse' used by the Samaritans. Like a punch in the gut. I'd already read it on here (first day I started the thread) and had the same reaction. I didn't want to think that my OH was abusive.

I defended him. On here, and to the Samaritans. When the word 'abuse' was uttered, my blood ran cold and I thought that I'd painted him as worse than he was. My OH, abusive? No. He's never hit me. I don't want to exaggerate. He's not that bad. He's really nice sometimes.

tayforth

Mojisola wrote: »

Something like that may be lovely in the future but I think anyone coming out of a destructive relationship needs time alone so that they can sort out just who they are.

Living with a controlling, manipulative person makes you lose sight of your own personality and it can take time to get it back - to learn what you like doing, how you like to live, which friends you want to spend time with, even simple things like what you want to eat and what time you want meals.

Tell me about it. Everything was according to his timetable. He controlled everything. Eventually, I stopped eating and sleeping with him, made every excuse not to spend time with him. He accused me of being a bad wife, and actually made me feel bad. I wondered what was wrong with me. Now I see that it was my way of saying: I can't take this any more.

And I don't think that there's any chance of me and Sam getting it together in the near future if at all, so I'm sure that I'll have some time to myself (which I do need, you're right).

duckeggblue

Mojisola wrote: »

Something like that may be lovely in the future but I think anyone coming out of a destructive relationship needs time alone so that they can sort out just who they are.

Living with a controlling, manipulative person makes you lose sight of your own personality and it can take time to get it back - to learn what you like doing, how you like to live, which friends you want to spend time with, even simple things like what you want to eat and what time you want meals.

Agree 100% with this. I never thought it before, but I love love love( love it) being on my own. I have friends too dont forget so not really alone.I see now why some people say, they like being on their own because they can do exactly what they want, and when you've been SO controlled the contrast is amazing.
YOu don't need anyone else-you may think you will want it, but in my case- I found myself-and myself loved my own company ( quite a shock that) and I made new friends easily as I wasn't tired and drained all the time.i am loving doing new things

msb5262

Can I just say thank you, tayforth?
Your posts on this thread have been very sad sometimes, you've been going through an awful time, but you have always been really lovely in your responses to what people have posted.
Your manners and consideration for others are fantastic...just another reason to be proud of yourself.
Unlike your ex, you know that you don't have to put other people down to stand tall.
And that is in addition to your courage in ending an abusive, unhappy relationship.
As has been said upthread, I think you're a great role model for young women.

WELL DONE AND THANK YOU!

MsB x

duckeggblue

tayforth wrote: »

Thank you both! I am feeling more positive today. Just realising that I nobody at all to answer to. I feel a sense of peace in the house.

I spent some time last night decluttering and moving a few things around, so that when the ex turns up this evening to collect more stuff, he'll see that I'm making changes already. I just want all of his stuff out ASAP. And then I'll set about properly creating my sanctuary.

I still have to get through my sister's wedding (which I know will be very very hard).

And I have to prepare for people trying to talk me round. I found this link, which I might print and give to anyone close to me who doesn't get that I'm 100% sure and that it was really abuse:

www.restoredrelationships.org/info/domestic-abuse/do-dont

But one thing at a time.

Read that link-it's excellent.

When you make the shocking discovery that you've been abused, and that you didn't even realise

-Because we don't -

It helps you to understand why others can't fully understand and may react in a way that's not helpful when we tell them.

Google pat craven
A probation officer who dealt with violent abusers and admits for years she colluded with them by a)
Believing what they said( she drives me to it eg
B )not realising the victims did not know they were being abused

She set up the freedom programme and wrote living with the dominator-( if you only ever read one book-read that)
After this she had such an epiphany she set about spreading the word.

duckeggblue

https://www.teachrelationships.org.uk

Trying to find you the link to living with the dominator-bear with me-I will amend later -have to go to see my family now

tayforth

duckeggblue wrote: »

Agree 100% with this. I never thought it before, but I love love love( love it) being on my own. I have friends too dont forget so not really alone.I see now why some people say, they like being on their own because they can do exactly what they want, and when you've been SO controlled the contrast is amazing.
YOu don't need anyone else-you may think you will want it, but in my case- I found myself-and myself loved my own company ( quite a shock that) and I made new friends easily as I wasn't tired and drained all the time.i am loving doing new things

Yes, I am looking forward to that very much. I can't relax 100% while the ex's stuff is still in the house, but when it's all gone I'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief.

I love all the positivity on this thread

duckeggblue wrote: »

Read that link-it's excellent.

When you make the shocking discovery that you've been abused, and that you didn't even realise

-Because we don't -

It helps you to understand why others can't fully understand and may react in a way that's not helpful when we tell them.

Google pat craven
A probation officer who dealt with violent abusers and admits for years she colluded with them by a)
Believing what they said( she drives me to it eg
B )not realising the victims did not know they were being abused

She set up the freedom programme and wrote living with the dominator-( if you only ever read one book-read that)
After this she had such an epiphany she set about spreading the word.

I will google her, and may buy the book too. Thank you. And that's exactly how I feel! I've had an epiphany! Like the scales have fallen from my eyes and I've finally been able to see and understand what's been in front of me all this time. Which is sickening, disgusting, shocking, horrifying, illuminating, empowering and liberating all at the same time.

It's amazing what I've learned in the last 2 weeks.

tayforth

msb5262 wrote: »

Can I just say thank you, tayforth?
Your posts on this thread have been very sad sometimes, you've been going through an awful time, but you have always been really lovely in your responses to what people have posted.
Your manners and consideration for others are fantastic...just another reason to be proud of yourself.
Unlike your ex, you know that you don't have to put other people down to stand tall.
And that is in addition to your courage in ending an abusive, unhappy relationship.
As has been said upthread, I think you're a great role model for young women.

WELLL DONE AND THANK YOU!

MsB x

Thank you so much again MsB. I'm getting a bit tearful again, you're so kind. I know in my heart that I'm a good person but to hear it said by someone else means such a lot to me.

I'm also thankful to have been treated with such respect and consideration by you all. I can't tell you how much it's lifted my spirits when I really needed it. When you've been with someone like my ex, any bit of kindness - well, you just clutch onto it like a lifebelt.

xxxxx

tayforth

I've just had 2 really lovely texts from 2 of the ex's friends (well, 2 wives of 'his' friends). Asking if I'm ok. Apologising for not realising what was going on! I replied saying that there was no need for apologies - that I had kept it from everyone. And I said that I still valued their friendship and hoped that I wouldn't lose it.

I'll ask to meet up with them both to talk properly, but will maintain my dignity and not give them the details.

Now I might actually cry - with relief. Because:

(a) he's telling people already and making it official, which is what I wanted, and
(b) they sound as if they still want to be friends with me and won't disown me because I'm not with him any more.

harrys_nan

msb5262, Thank you
You have put into words exactly my thoughts on tayforth, she comes over as such a lovely person and she found a way, (even though I don't know her), into my heart.
She deserves every ounce of happiness she can get.