FINALLY DONE IT: Tayforth's new beginning

tayforth

His mum lives 20 minutes away, has plenty of room (she lives on her own in a fairly large house) and is always in. He can go there.

I've just phoned the LL and told him everything. He has kindly offered to chane the locks on Tuesday morning. We don't have a current lease - our last one expired 2 years ago. The LL is so easygoing that he didn't mind, and we always pay on time, so everyone is happy. He's going to draw up a new lease with just my name on it. Will that work?


It won't come as a shock to my OH. I've told him how I feel, that I don't have any feelings for him any more. I suspect that he's in denial and thinks that I'll forgive him eventually, but I won't. This is finally it.


Tbh, how does any woman in an abusive relationship know that she's not at physical risk? I don't want to give him a few days' notice, only to be attacked in my sleep or have him wreck the place. I know that these are extreme examples, but I'm genuinely scared of his reaction.

If the worst comes to the worst and he won't leave, I'll leave. I'll go to a B&B if needs be. I'm going to pack a bag tonight while he's away.

paulineb_2

To be honest with you, its good that you have the support of your landlord but I really have no idea whether just drawing up a new lease is legal. And Im not a housing officer, but I would think that even though your marriage is ending, your husband would probably be entitled to notice to quit, legally.

Scrubbing him off the tenancy and changing the locks might get him out and he might not take it further, but Im not sure its legal.

Ive never lived with anyone as Ive said before so I dont know what you are going through and yes, you are right, he might have an extreme reaction and your safety is the main thing.

And I do have some idea of what domestic violence and mentally abusive relationships are like, I grew up seeing my mum physically and mentally abused by her second husband, but thats another story for another time.

You just cant call how tomorrow is going to pan out. Yes he could go to his mums if she has the space, but she might not want him. And if she is going to be housing him surely she deserves a bit of notice.

The bottom line is, tomorrow might go very smoothly and he might admit defeat and leave quietly. And I totally appreciate you want this marriage finished and to move on with your life, its not healthy for you.

The thing is though, you've had the time and space to work things out in your own head and decide that its time to end the marriage, you've had time to work things through and you've also had time to talk out on here how you feel and you are determined to move on.

You are doing the right thing. But you've already said hes not expecting the bombshell hes going to get tomorrow.

And if you are scared of his reaction I seriously think you should consider having someone with you when you ask him to pack his stuff and go.

tayforth

I would like to have someone with me, but also it's not fair to drag anyone else into it. I'm not sure what to do.

No idea about the legalities re the house. I'll read up a bit tomorrow at work and might contact Citizens' Advice. But I wouldn't expect his mum to put him up forever. He can find somewhere else to rent pretty quickly, he's not short of money.


But I repeat, this should absolutely NOT come as a shock to him.

paulineb_2

It might be worth giving shelter a call

You wouldnt be dragging people into anything, yes it might be awkward, but if I were you, I would want someone there to support me, if only for the part where he collects his stuff and leaves.

tayforth

I'll think about it. Thanks. I'm not sure who to ask, but I'll try to do it.

jdvhsully

I believe that if you are worried you can ask the police to come to your house if you fear his reaction. However it will depend if they are not busy, but it might be worth asking.

tayforth

That might be an option. At least they're paid to deal with this sort of thing. Thank you

tayforth

I've decided to speak to the police this evening and get advice from them. If they feel that they should be there, I'll be glad of that.

It's a relief to be able to tell people. I feel as if it's all very real now, and there's no way back as far as I'm concerned.

My aunt has just phoned my mum. I got to speak to her privately, and she's being very supportive. She'll back me up the weekend of the wedding if my mum and sister start asking questions, she'll distract them and I'm so grateful to her for it.

pinkladyof66

so pleased to hear you are defo in your mind it is ending and that you are being pro active and getting it sorted.

i was in a similar situation in the past many years ago been with bf 10 years got married knew i made a mistake and after 1 year of marriage I left, it was a hard thing to do i had to sort out myself a flat etc and we had the house in both names mortgaged took 2 years before it was all sorted i had to move back into the house for a while when i couldnt afford to live and pay mortgage, my ex hubbie was bringing home tarts and leaving all their clothes around the house. I woke up one weekend (i was in spare room) to find a pair of knickers and bra on my settee ( i was not amused). 20 years down the line, i am now remarried with a 4 year old. So please dont give up hope. You will move onto big and better things i can assure you.

Kayalana99

tayforth wrote: »

I've decided to speak to the police this evening and get advice from them. If they feel that they should be there, I'll be glad of that.

It's a relief to be able to tell people. I feel as if it's all very real now, and there's no way back as far as I'm concerned.

My aunt has just phoned my mum. I got to speak to her privately, and she's being very supportive. She'll back me up the weekend of the wedding if my mum and sister start asking questions, she'll distract them and I'm so grateful to her for it.

I havn't read this thread just the first post and this page but I hope everything works out for you! I left an emotionaly abusive ex 2 years ago and it was the best thing I've ever done!(But at the time I was a complete wreck and it took me ages to build myself back up again) You seem to be in 10times worse situation then I was but as long as you stay strong for your child and get as much support as possible you will be fine!!!

As for above about it not being legal I wouldn't worry at all, people get kicked out of mortaged/owned houses all the time and if kids are involved the child & main parent always get to stay if its taken to courts so I'm sure he wouldn't have a leg to stand on in rented!

Good luck! :j

Edit: I must of got mixed up somewhere I swear I read a child was involved, my mistake.